I am feeling lost and scared.....

[codee]

I am not sure I am making the right decsions for myself and my family right now. My husband has been home from rehab for two and a half weeks. Before he came home we had an agreement of things he had to do to make the family work.
This was not the first relapse I have experienced with him. He has lied, cheated, and stole. He went to rehab, and promised when he got out things would be different.
While he was there, I spoke to him periodically, and I always got the vibe from him that he was not sorry or sincere about making things right. I also felt he was blaming his issues on me. I have heard that is a common trait in alcoholics and drug addicts.
Well, to get to the point, he waws home from rehab for a few day, and was very humble, and showing much gratitude, then things changed. He never found a sponsor, (which was a stipulation in the relatioship, that he needed to get a sponsor a.s.a.p.), he stopped going to meetings everyday, (which was also a stipulation), and he never made a dr.'s appointment, because he was diagnosed with bipolar, and his meds are ready to run out. He kept putting everything off, and not fullfilling his end of the bargain. I gave him yet another chance, and he once again did not do the things he has to to stay, mentally well, clean, and sober. He has also, been distant, and I see him falling back in the patterns which he were in right before his last relapses.
Today, we tried to talk, and it ended in a fight. We cussed and yelled, and he said he was leaving for good, I said fine. We can not see eye to eye, I need him to do his part to keep his end of the bagain, he shows no gratitude. Is it time to let go???
I went over his cousins to talk, and we pretty much ended our marriage. He is not coming home. He always tells me things will be different, they never are. I hate for the kids to have to live like this.

[journeygal]

Hi Codee,

I'm sorry things have not gone well since your husband returned from rehab. But you set your boundaries and followed through, so you should feel good about that. I know how very hard it must be for you, but you are so right about the kids. Living with an A parent can have such a devastating affect on the kids.

I hope you're doing nice things for yourself and the kids. Staying busy will help keep your mind off of him, and as more time goes by, you'll feel less panicked and scared.

Take care and hugs,
JG

[JT]

Codee,

Now here is my quandry. Which comes first? Him not doing what he agreed to do or him not getting a sponsor, go to meetings etc.
I would be much more concerned about his lack of doing what he agreed to do than with his program or lack thereof.

His sobriety truely is his business and you would be much happier and have a lot more time on your hands of you allowed it to be his business. Not doing his part in the relationship is a whole other kettle...

I see a renegotiation in your future.
Hugs,
JT

[ascar]

Sorry to here, especiallt for the kids, you asked is it time to let go?
yes, let go of YOUR feelings and decisions and ASK GOD, turn it over to GOD, he will not let you down.
and as for your husband, alcohol is "cunning, baffeling and POWERFUL" it is hard to explain but i'm sure he is trying, however little it may show, but this disease will tear up alot of things and relationships, tell him how you feel, tell him how it makes you feel to see him this way, tell him to do it for the kids.
and for yourself, go to ALANON. it will help YOU.
good luck,
neil aka ascar

[ksos]

JT is right about it being time for a renegotiation. Addicts are renowned for making promises and breaking them. And all the better if we have a partner who is more than ready, willing and not strong enough to take us back, no matter what we do. Take heed. My wife finally had enough. And, trust me. Her attempts to make it work, to fix me, to do it for the kid were admirable. Enough so, that she found out that she was enabling the monster within the two of us.

It has stopped thankfully, although we are separated right now. Maybe you can put the breaks on while they are still operational. Good Luck.