What's Love?

[ksos]

I had an extremely strong reaction to what my therapist said regarding my recent display of neediness for affirmation, support, reactivity, and even affection from my estranged wife. I've been e-mailing long letters to her nearly every night, fantasizing that she is having affairs with other men, and, essentially, questioning my sanity for two weeks and counting.

In our couples' counseling this afternoon, we discussed why I was feeling this way. In short, I used to view her "old" behaviors, the ones of questioning my every movement, accepting my substance abuse and sexual addiction, putting up with my emotional abuse, as being signs of immense and unconditional love. I viewed all of her frantic, and often desperate behaviors as unyielding support.

The two of them connected the dots for me today. My perceptions of what love meant were so skewed; in fact, when this came out, I felt a huge sense of relief, as if normalcy returned or came about for the first time. I also took a look at how my mother would express "love" with exhorbitant displays of tears, smothering hugs, and exhorting such breaths of emotion over the most minor of things--like not getting a phone call on her anniversary from me or getting a card that arrived one day late on her birthday. I guess, as Lilya said many times, we bring much of our childhood into our adult relationships.

I've often accused my wife of being somewhat cold and detached, after I had already administered the hurts. My expectation was that her job was to satiate, to sooth, to make the boo-boo not hurt anymore.

I made a step today in understanding that how she is now is simply how a healthy adult responds to the world. Yes, we are separated, which does hurt because I'm alone. But she has not abandoned me simply because we aren't together or intimate. She is not stabbing me in the back because she is unwilling to accept the unacceptable. She is living her life as best as she can. I think that I need to do so as well.

[journeygal]

Hi Ksos,

I recently had a revelation too.

My husband has a 16 year-old daughter who's been living with us since June. It's a long, long story, but basically she is having a hard time trusting my husband really wants her in his life. No matter how loving, supportive, understanding, and patient he is with her, she rejects him at every turn. But no matter how awful she treats him or how much the things she does hurts him, he has complete and total unconditional love for her and there's basically nothing she can do that will ever change that.

I realized that I've been looking for that kind of unconditional love and acceptance all my life. I didn't feel I had it from my parents, so I looked for it from my husband. B/c of this, I've been dealing with all kinds of abandonment and rejection issues, that have no place in my marriage. I realized that it's not his job to make up for my parent's shortcomings. If I act up, I should not keep expecting him to unconditionally accept the things I do or have done. While I know he will always love me, that doesn't mean he would always be able to live with me. And if he did leave, he wouldn't be abandoning me, just as you realized with your wife.

After this revelation, I was a little sad and a little jealous of his daughter, b/c I still want that unconditional acceptance, you know? I think people confuse unconditional love with unconditional acceptance, me included. The two are not the same, and I think uncondtional acceptance is only possible b/t a parent and child, and sometimes not even then.

Originally posted by ksos
I made a step today in understanding that how she is now is simply how a healthy adult responds to the world. Yes, we are separated, which does hurt because I'm alone. But she has not abandoned me simply because we aren't together or intimate. She is not stabbing me in the back because she is unwilling to accept the unacceptable. She is living her life as best as she can. I think that I need to do so as well.

That pretty much sums it all up for me too. I have to learn and practice responding to the world as a healthy adult, not as a wounded child.

Hugs,
JG

[ksos]

Originally posted by journeygal
I have to learn and practice responding to the world as a healthy adult, not as a wounded child.

Hugs,
JG

And I couldn't have said it better myself, JG...