New relationship in early soberiety?

[Onewithwings]

I know it's "not suggested", yet, here I find myself!

Luckily this is someone I trust and also someone who has never touched drugs or alcohol, so that definitely helps, but I'm a little nervous just because most people seem so set against ANY new relationships in the first year of sobriety. Why? I know we're not supposed to make any major life changes early on, but we were hooking up before I decided to stop using for good, so I mean, should we just be "friends with benefits" for a year? Doesn't make sense to me, nor does it make sense to cut it off when we really wanted to be together just because I decided to get clean/sober, that sounds counterproductive. Any suggestions?

[suki44883]

There are reasons for it being "not suggested." First of all, your focus should be on recovery, not a relationship. A new relationship is hard enough on its own without adding the recovery component. Recovery is hard enough on its own without adding the new relationship component. Trying to do both is, in my opinion, a recipe for disaster where it's unlikely either will succeed.

[Freedom1990]

I didn't listen and started engaging in relationships very early in recovery.

The end result was I eventually threw 4 years clean/sober out the window.

It was NOT worth it.

[Onewithwings]

Originally Posted by Freedom1990

I didn't listen and started engaging in relationships very early in recovery.

The end result was I eventually threw 4 years clean/sober out the window.

It was NOT worth it.

And this would not have happened had you waited a magic year?

[suki44883]

It's called time. There is nothing magical about one year. It's just a point of reference. Some people still need more time after one year and others don't. The point is that both recovery and a new relationship take a lot of work and focus. You can choose to do one well, or do both badly. If this relationship is meant to be, it'll still be there after you give yourself necessary time to recover from your addiction.

Of course, you'll do whatever you want to do in the end, but you did come here asking for our suggestions.

[Onewithwings]

Originally Posted by suki44883

You can choose to do one well, or do both badly.

doesn't sound like a suggestion to me... sounds a lot like preaching.

[suki44883]

Of course it does, because it's not what you want to hear. Do whatever you want, it doesn't affect me in the least.

[Onewithwings]

Well by your logic if I want to have a healthy relationship I should start drinking again... can't get distracted by recovery in the first year of a relationship! Should I not get a job either this year?

I was asking for input from people with experience with relationships in early recovery. Sorry if you misunderstood.

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by Onewithwings

And this would not have happened had you waited a magic year?

Those relationships kept me from focusing 100% on my recovery.

Just like me, you are going to do what you are going to do.

I'm only sharing my own personal experience with relationships early in recovery.

I learned the hard way.

That's pretty much the way I always learn, when I've made bad choices and am in a lot of pain.

Wishing you nothing but the best in your life.

Sending you hugs of support.

[mdolphin]

I'd have to concur with giving it time. I know in my situation, one bad relationship part way through recovery ended up almost ruining my sobriety. I know this might not be the place, but in I found some good articles on free couples counseling that might be of some interest to you. They talk about the benefits and possible consequences of dating while recovering.

Either way, good look. I won't preach, I just wish you a full recovery and happy love life. What order that comes in is up to you.

[wow04]

I think you and the other person need to realize that your recovery comes first. You stated this is a person that doesn't have an addiction. Does he understand what recovery is? To work the steps, takes up your time. Going to meetings, takes up your time. Is he willing to let you do that? Does he understand that he doesn't come first?

I was in a relationship early in recovery and when it ended I was devastated. It is meant to be it will be in due time.

Good Luck!

[onlythetruth]

I have no experience with new relationships in the first year of sobriety. However, my former AA sponsor is currently in a thriving and very happy marriage (18 years) to a man she met when she was only a few months into her sobriety.

Also, I am 6 years into a very happy marriage to a man I married after 8 months of dating--broke another "rule" (you're supposed to date at least a year before getting married, as I was reminded constantly....).

All of this to say that I've come to view these rules, suggestions, etc., as nothing more than cautionary notes. In the end we all must live our own lives and follow our own hearts.

[Onewithwings]

Originally Posted by wow04

I think you and the other person need to realize that your recovery comes first. You stated this is a person that doesn't have an addiction. Does he understand what recovery is? To work the steps, takes up your time. Going to meetings, takes up your time. Is he willing to let you do that? Does he understand that he doesn't come first?

I was in a relationship early in recovery and when it ended I was devastated. It is meant to be it will be in due time.

Good Luck!

Yes, his mom is in recovery, he has actually been my biggest support and has even driven me to meetings and attended them with me!

[wow04]

It is wonderful that he understands what is involved in recovery.

Pray on this situation and the answer will come.

[Babyblue]

I dated him while he was early in recovery. It was a trainwreck. Not because I didn't understand his recovery process, or wasn't supportive. I was very supportive and open to what he had to do. But in recovery there is little time for the other person. It hurt after a while, with him being the focus in the relationship. That is where the problems start. He wasn't capable of a reciprocal relationship in early recovery and I felt overlooked often.

He relapsed, went back into a serious program and has been sober for a year. We aren't together and he realizes he has nothing to give in a relationship as he rebuilds his life. It is ok to date whenever but be aware that the other person has needs and wants that are just as valid as yours even if they never had an issue with drugs or alcohol.

[Onewithwings]

Well, it wasn't working. Not because I was in recovery from drugs and alcohol, but because of other issues I've been having. I didn't relapse, though. I did the responsible thing and broke it off.

[Exhortera]

I'm in early recovery (7 months) and have become involved in a "mutual attraction" friendship with someone also in early recovery. I've worked the steps once and she is still working through them the first time.

We have both agreed to keep it a friendship for now, neither of us are ready for a relationship.

If something else comes from it later on...GREAT! She is a sweetheart and becomes more of one the more she works the program.

If nothing becomes of it more than a friendship...GREAT! I'm actually learning to be friends with a member of the opposite sex, not use them to fill a hole inside of me (that's my higher power's job) and most importantly I learning not to be IMPULSIVE!

Which for this alcoholic is huge.

[dvm2015]

I dated a RA. I met him while he was still drinking and did not want to get wrapped up in his life so I kept him as just friends but eventually started liking him. We both REALLY understood each other (something neither of us really felt from anyone else). For 4 months while he was drinking, we remained friends that liked each other. I even made stupid rules like "no hangin out 2 days in a row" so i wouldnt want to date him (even though he asked me so many times). Eventually he went to an intense long term rehab program (in all he was gone for 10 months). For 7 of those ten months, he didnt have a phone, so we wrote cute love letters and mailed them. By the time he did get his phone, we talked as much as we could. He even told me he loved me but I was hesitant and didnt say it back.... After he came home, I didnt exclusively date him for 2 more months, I was very hesitant because I didnt want to ruin our friendship (being best friends) but I did want more. The way things were going was amazing so I figured why not and I gave in. I had no idea that RA shouldnt date for a year. We were so in love but it was just a matter of time until his recovery showed through. Stress got to him and he slipped for one night but ended up getting kicked out of school (in September) which he was so excited to do in the first place. This made him so depressed and he started to no longer love himself, and when you cant love yourself, you cant focus on anything else. Six months after we started dating, he ended things with me because he needed to focus on himself and couldnt do that with me. It hurts so bad. I wish I knew that RA shouldnt date for a year. I wish I knew about Al-anon and I wish I knew I should have waited. He wants to continue to be friends but right now I can't because its too painful and the pain is destroying me and my life. Sorry my story was long, but I hope it gives you some advice in the form of example. Altho you may feel you are capable of being in a relationship, you should also think of how much that relationship means to you because if the stress of life's curveballs come your way, it could destroy the relationship that felt so special and perfect to you. I know if it is meant to be it will be, but I also know that had I waited and just stayed the supportive romantic friend, this point of life may have been easier on both of us. Patience is hard but it is a virtue. I am sure your partner will be grateful if you did wait until you can handle life again but sober. It would save both of you ALOT of pain in the long run and it will not ruin what you have together, just make you stronger and more sure of yourself and your potential relationship. If he loves you he will be there with you for your recovery, but if you hurt him, he may not. I hope my story and advice offer some guidance in your life.