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Old 08-06-2011, 09:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Trapped in a loveless marriage :(

It's been many months since I've had a good old spill of emotion on here, but this has been brewing for a long time. Please forgive me while I have a good old fashioned pity party.

My husband and I have been together for nearly 20 years - with a gap of 6 years. We met when I was 19, lived together for three. We were both young, dynamic and successful, and he is a several years older than me. I idolized him then. I was young and naive, and he was and still is an incredibly intelligent man - genius, even, having created a successful career at the age of 14 from his bedroom. He's quite famous now in his field and works hard to maintain it.

We split briefly after I find it very difficult to live with someone who was so work oriented, and he also has Asperger's (which is a type of autism, it makes it hard for him to recognize other's emotions and causes him to live very much inside his own head). I met another man, who I became pregnant by with my now 15 year old daughter. The relationship didn't last, he disappeared never to be heard of again, and my husband and I remained friends during the split and my pregnancy. Our friendship blossomed back into romance over the years - he seemed very much changed - interested in me and being a good potential father to my daughter, and when my eldest was 7 we got back together again. We then got married and had another daughter 7 years ago.

Our marriage has always had the same balance over the years. I stayed at home with the kids, he went out to work, doing 14 hour days (through choice). It worked okay, and we would work hard together as a unit to raise our children. Unfortunately, bubbling under the surface were all sorts of issues. His coldness/lack of empathy, his anxiety, social phobias and paranoia, his drinking and use of weed. He's very controlling because routine settles him, anything out of the ordinary freaks him out, so we never doing anything spontaneous.

When my sister died, after I got the phone call at midnight I went back to the bedroom to tell him..he gave me a brief, cold hug and then told me he had to work the next day so please could I leave so he could sleep. If I cry, he gets up and walks away as though nothing is happening. During dinner he can sit next to me whilst I am crying about something, and he continues to eat as though I am happy. That's another reason (amongst others) that I haven't grieved for my sister, or anything that has hurt me over the years, because I get no support or even a kind word of empathy.

He never spends any time with the children, either. My eldest feels unloved by him, and there is never any interaction between them. She feels that he prefers his younger, biological daughter..and I know that's true, he's told me so on more than one occasion.

He does no housework, childcare, house maintenance, paperwork, doesn't attend any of the kid's events or celebrations. I do it ALL. Everything.

He never really says anything more than about 10 words to me in any given day. He comes home from work, pours himself some wine and shuts himself in the bedroom with his guitar, only coming out to eat. I spend every night on the couch by myself with the tv. Now I'm sober, I could go out if I wanted to, but I've got so darn depressed about the whole state of this marriage, I feel so flat and lackluster about filling my time in the evenings. If I do go out to social events, I go solo, as he doesn't like socializing. A lot of my aquaintences think I am divorced or single as they've never met him.

I quit drinking over 100 days ago, not just for me (the most important person!) but for our marriage. I've spent so many hours arguing, I've spent so many days and nights crying about how lonely and unloved I feel, and I thought it was because I was drinking, and not a nice person to be around. It hurts even more now I am sober, because the REAL ME is still not good enough.

I want to leave..but I can't. We are here in the US on a visa, which is in his name. I can't work on my visa status. We have to be married/living together for the children and I to stay. If we separate, I would have to go back to the UK. I love my life here, I don't want to give it up. I've enjoyed being here more than he has, and the children have roots. I am totally STUCK.

Sorry it turned out so long..I feel like I am going to burst if I don't get it out. Thanks for reading such a long venting post!! Going to wipe the tears off my face and try and crack on with my normal stuff as though I'm fine. Which I'm used to after all these years.

When I look at him and at the state of our relationship, I am reminded why I felt compelled to drink.

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Old 08-07-2011, 08:04 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Just thinking out loud here, and I know nothing about visas or any of that stuff. Just wondering...could you change your visa status? Is there someone you can contact and talk to them about your situation? Maybe they can offer you some suggestions. I'm sure your situation isn't the only one out there like that. Maybe there are steps you can take to become a citizen?

I hope you can find a way out of that situation. My heart goes out to you.
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Old 08-07-2011, 10:26 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thanks for your reply, Suki. I'm going to make an appointment for some legal advice next week, just so that I can have my options discussed. Re-reading back my rant from yesterday, I still feel the same way. It's time to do something about this.
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Old 08-07-2011, 10:41 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I think that's an excellent idea. It's never a bad idea to have information. I hope your conference produces a positive outcome. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
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Old 08-08-2011, 07:00 PM   #5 (permalink)
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He snooped through my SR postings...read this, confronted me and kicked me out. I'm now staying at a local hotel with my youngest child, not knowing quite what do next. Eldest kid is back at the house to look after the dog whilst he's at work.

Will update as soon as I know what my plans are.

For anyone who thinks their postings are private, please be careful. He found my SR details on my hard drive and hacked into my account - the same with my emails and facebook account. If any of you are posting very private things on here that you would prefer your spouse/partner not to know (and goodness knows, many of us spill our most private thoughts and deepest secrets on here as we are so relieved to find an anonymous source for venting), then please guard your details carefully.

I am glad he read my post, maybe we can finally thrash this out and go our separate ways rather than hanging on by our fingertips.
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Old 08-08-2011, 07:09 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Oh no! I'm so sorry! You should probably change your username and log-in details so he can no longer find you. I'm so sorry this has happened. What a jerk.
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Old 08-08-2011, 07:42 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I'll have to change my name, which rankles the MOST, since New Wings are what I felt I had earned. Now I'll have to cut those wings and find something else.

He told me he could always log on to SR as a guest and find my past and future postings as New Wings. I am SO angry.

Anyhow, I must find an avenue for my anger that is healthy. I can't lie and say I didn't think about drinking, because in the past when I got as angry as this, I would drink to shut it out. Now I realize that doing so would be the worst possible thing. I'll be staying 100% sober.

Thanks, Suki.
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Old 08-08-2011, 08:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Oh, new wings, I feel badly for you! Maybe you can contact an administrator to block the name and use a variation of it; or maybe they can block your home IP address - not saavy about these things, but worth a shot, maybe.

That's a pretty sneaky, shady thing to do. Hope you are OK.
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Old 08-10-2011, 02:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
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newwings: I just ran across this post and hope you are able to read this reply.

I relate to what you are going through as my mother has asperger's. My first husband, from whom I am divorced, has many of the traits although he does not have the full syndrome.

Just as it is helpful to talk to people here about your issues with addiction, you may also find it helpful to reach out to people who have experienced marriage to a spouse with asperger's. Here is a link to a site that you might find very helpful. I know it helped me.

Families of Adults Affected By Asperger's Syndrome
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Old 08-10-2011, 02:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Oh wow, thanks Only, I'll delve into that link right now! Aspie's are definitely VERY hard to live with (unless you have no emotional requirements, which was me for a long time).

Really appreciate the link
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Old 08-10-2011, 03:35 PM   #11 (permalink)
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My gosh, newwings... are you still in the hotel? I am so sorry you are in this predicament! Suki's first reply was exactly what I was going to post... hopefully there's something you can do to work on changing your visa status. If all else fails, can you just stay in the US as an illegal immigrant? I guess that wouldn't be the wisest thing. But leaving might be even worse, for uprooting your life here.
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Old 08-11-2011, 12:27 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Hi Jennie, I'm home now - albeit with a very frosty reception.

He said tonight, "I'm not so angry with you now (huh?) so I'm ready to talk".

I still don't know what to say, so I'm better off saying nothing at all.

Going for legal advice on Friday so I can find out my options.
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Old 08-11-2011, 01:50 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Wow, newwings...what a thing for your husband to say! But you're right, you're better off not saying anything at all in response.

Good luck with the lawyer. Let us know what he or she has to say.
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:37 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Aspies are difficult to deal with. Period. Maybe he let you return because he needs you for something? Are you going to Al Anon? It would help you a lot.
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