It's Cold

[Doppelganger]

Once upon a time, I had this normal relationship. It wasn't perfect. It was maybe better than most, but still there were the little ups and downs, tiffs, spats, pout-a-thons. As a matter of fact, it was so normal, I'm gonna call the guy Norm. Whenever Norm and I had a serious disagreement I would have this wonderful dream. In the dream, Norm and I were together on a balcony or mezzanine looking down on "us" having a fight below. The Norm and I on the balcony were always amused at the antics of the us below. Everything that seemed so important to those two was really so silly. Certainly nothing to fight about. Norm and I on the balcony generally wound up holding each other, and I would wake up with all my aggravation dissipated. Norm was a real peace lover, so if I wasn't mad, he wasn't gonna be either. Circumstances took Norm and me to different places. Rasputin was my next major male life event.

I miss that dream. It gave such a perfectly content feeling that carried over into my awake time. It made me feel that we have higher selves, real selves, that watch and learn from the dramas we create on earth. That we have a loving connection even where there is disharmony. And the connection I had with Norm on the balcony I can best describe as warm. It wasn't passion or romance. It was quiet, content, close.... warm.

I've never had a dream like that about Rasputin. Right now I'm feeling very sad and lost. It becomes more and more apparent to me, that Rasputin is not going to choose a straight and narrow path of recovery. And it is also dawning on me that I will never be comfortable with anything less than that. The consequences have been too severe for me to be placid when he strays, even just a little, if I am around him. I doubt that I will do anything dramatic, like tell him never to call again, but I see our lives diverging. I want that dream. I want to go to the place where we are real and where we only love each other. Where the ways we've made each other unhappy seem silly and have no impact. Where the love is eternal. Where it's quiet, content, close, constant and warm. Because today I feel very very cold.

Dop

[margo]

((((((Dearest Dop)))))) You've really touched me deeply with your words tonight. In fact, I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out because you wrote that so beautifully, yet there is such sadness there, too. I'd also like to go to your dream place with the one I love; however, like you, it becomes more and more apparent to me that he and I won't ever get there. Mourning a dream has its own complexities, and is not so very different from mourning a physical death. Maybe that's what we'll find in the after-life, though - that we can be that way with the one we love in ways that we couldn't be in this life. I'm hugging you as tight as I can, Dop, because I can really relate to how you feel tonight.

[Stephanie]

I can't believe you made me cry...(((((((Dop))))))))

[JT]

(((Dop)))

Mourning the dream is something we must all do if we are going to move forward. I have mourned in stages over the last decade. I don't know if can be done only once...I only know it has not been that way for me.

Each night I dream and each morning I wake up and look around and the dreams fade.

Hugs,
JT

[journeygal]

((((((Dop)))))))

I can't help but be reminded of the story of the little girl, her father, and the fake pearls that was posted some time back on al-anon. Dop, I have no doubt that a beautiful set of real pearls is out there waiting for you.

Hugs,
JG