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Old 03-08-2011, 06:09 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Loving an addict...losing my mind

I've been dating a guy for about a month now and have totally fallen for him. Instant attraction, and at first it was incredible! Then I discover that he's addicted to, well...just about everything. Narcotic pills being the worst. He keeps talking about wanting to quit, saying that I inspired him to want to, but can only manage for a few days. And then there's the ups and downs! One day he is SO in love with me and everything is right in the world. Then a day or two later, he can't handle a relationship and tries to dump me. Of course, two days later, then it will reverse. I tried walking away, but the problematic thing is that I realise I love him very much and see something in him worth sticking around for. However, I have zero clue what I'm doing. How do I handle these ups and downs and keep my own sanity? I know I can't fix him, but I don't want to abandon him either. I just need a starting point.
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Old 03-08-2011, 06:38 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR. One month isn't really long enough to fall in love with someone, especially if they are an addict. Active addicts aren't capable of love in the true sense of the word. Their main/only focus is their next high. This guy is not serious about quitting nor is he serious about a relationship. He doesn't have the ability. My best advice is to get as far away from him as possible. You only have a few weeks invested here and that's to your benefit. It would be much harder with a few years of your life wasted.

You might want to post in our Friends and Families forum. You'll find a lot of support there from people who have been where you are.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/
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Old 03-08-2011, 11:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR. Im happy to meet you.

Your name is appropriate... Painting a Dream ... because that is exactly what you are doing if you believe you can have a "relationship" with an active alcoholic/addict. Please remember even if you think you can deal with what is happening now, this is a progressive disease and will only get worse if he continues his addictions.

I have to agree a month is not that long to be involved with someone that you could not end this before a lot of damage is done, however if you really think you want to have this relationship, the only advise I can give is to start going to Alaon meetings now and get a sponsor.

I would also suggest reseaching what Alcoholic/Addicts do, there is a really good reason that there is that instant attraction, they are master manuaplators and create the allusion of a relationship that they don't really participate in, however they will rock your world to ensure they have an enabler. You can learn a lot as well if you hang out in Friends and Family of Alcoholics/Addicts.

Hang out and keep posting, I can not tell you what to do but hopefully this sight can open your eyes to what could be in store for you if you decide to pursue this relationship.
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Old 03-08-2011, 11:44 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PaintingADream View Post
saying that I >>>>inspired<<<< him to want to.
Shouldn't that be 'inspire', coming from him??

You have only just got on the roller coaster, and he is already hurting you, perhaps you should get off now before it really picks up speed.

How much respect do you have for yourself and your own future?

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Old 03-08-2011, 05:37 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I actually ended it today...painful, but obviously necessary. I care for him, but he obviously doesn't care for himself. I can't fix that and I realize that would have to come from him. Thanks for all the advice and support.
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Old 03-09-2011, 06:07 AM   #6 (permalink)
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To be honest, I could not have been in a relationship with me when I was active. All I wanted to do was get messed up one way or another and play a game to get what I wanted. Now that I am sober, for somereason I keep finding myself getting into relationships with active addicts or alcoholics. Kind of stinks, I have gotten manipulated, used, lied to etc by them. Maybe it is payback..who knows. I have been more careful as of late.

I applaud you on your decision. :-)
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Old 03-09-2011, 11:21 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Im sorry your hurting but I can honestly say you would have hurt a lot more if the relationship continued. unfortunately the longer you are in that situation the more people that get hurt.

Im glad it has only been months and not years.
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Old 03-09-2011, 11:22 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I just wanted to extend my thanks again to everyone who helped me make the decision to end this relationship. After seeing his explosive reaction to my objections to his behavior and addiction (he freaked out and even hit me), I know that walking away after a month was best and gave me a stark picture of what staying longer would have done to me. I'm so very glad that I reached out and managed to find some wisdom!
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Old 03-09-2011, 11:41 AM   #9 (permalink)
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'Inspired' my as$, he was full o cr*p!

Addicts just seem to know which buttons to press.

Dont know what to say about the clouting you, i just get miffed.

Well, you know you did the rite thing now f sure.
You showed him something today that he doesn't have... 'respect' for yourself.

A valuable lesson learned, gfu :-)
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Old 05-23-2011, 03:26 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Thanks Cynay for the "Alcoholic/Addicts do, there is a really good reason that there is that instant attraction, they are master manuaplators". I am 3 months out from ending with my AXBF (says he is in recovery - not sure). My heart still longs for him as what we had was out of this world, but if I am HONEST with myself, it was all about HIM all the time. While the few good times were amazing, the lows were horrible and there were lots of them. He has however moved on so fast, to a separated woman and is professing deep feelings for her. Not sure what lesson I had to learn in this - but I fell hard and really loved this man deeply - but it was all about him. He was extremelly sexual too - so I am wondering if he was covering up this via alcohol. I dont know.
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Old 05-23-2011, 01:11 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Excuse me for being rather cynical and bitter, but he'll never change unless it's for his own sake.

Story time: I indulged in excessive amounts of meth, which was introduced to me by by boyfriend at the time. In the beginning, it wasn't so bad - parties, having a blast, blah blah. Then things became less fun and more a necessity. Now I'm sober, and he isn't. He stole my car, money, and phone, and I'm alone, pregnant with his child.

My point is: drug addicts don't DO anything for anyone unless they can score dope. Get the Hell out of there as quickly as you can.

Whoops, just saw the last post from you. Glad you found the strength to pull out of there.
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Old 05-24-2011, 12:19 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Thanks 1337 for that "but he will never change unless it is for his own sake" - I guess at the core is selfishness and unless anyone wants to change themselves, we dont. Damn this thing is hard.
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Old 05-24-2011, 06:51 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Yes, it's extremely difficult, but it's all a matter of one's mentality, and I think being a bit sad over a loss is a whole lot better than being sucked into this sort of environment.
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Old 07-21-2011, 03:01 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Active addicts aren't capable of love in the true sense of the word. Their main/only focus is their next high. This guy is not serious about quitting nor is he serious about a relationship. He doesn't have the ability.
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Sorry Suki...have to disagree
one month is not enough to have an inkling of someones character...I have had a 12 year and a 15 year long term relationship...both addiction free. At 49 years old I was alone for the first time im my life. I started to self medicate my depression with Meth. I became a meth addict
I met a 34year old man. he would use just about anything to get high...
booze, coke, special K, mushrooms, exctasy, and his DOC Meth. He was used to being a drug ***** with gay men for a few years... I realized that , but really liked his company and if I was going to get high with someone...might as well be with a hot, handsome, sexy guy, 15 years my junior. we met a year and ahalf ago.
Now we were both active addicts...he was in denial saying he could control it. I was an active addict too. I fell in love with him.. I was an active addict
using everyday. I fell so completely in love. He would sometimes say we have to quit and start meetings..I was ready right then and there if thats what he wanted. He also had great confused feelings about his affection for me...He was surprised by his "Bi".
I don't believe he ever really cared emotionally as much for another man and it troubled him. It destabilized his "I'm not really a bisexual, I only do it for drugs" defense of a str8 man roughing if for what he needs. So we both fell in love...when he entered rehab I gave up meth so I would be clean for him. The drug was not more impotant to me than he was.

Out of rehab he came with the " I have to stay away from him attitude or he'll get a restraining order... never loved me, never did, never friends...

ok I know I never shut up....you get the picture... is love possible?

yes.....but definately no garauntees

of a return receipt...
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Old 10-04-2011, 05:37 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Welcome! I also agree that he will not change unless he wants to truly do it. Hang in there it is going to be a bumpy ride.
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