obsessive love

[journeygal]

The Case of Obsessive Relational Progression

So how do you know if you have developed an unhealthy attachment to another person? By examining the Obsessive Love Wheel (OLW), which is designed to illustrate an overall process called Obsessive Relational Progression (ORP) [the specific attachment style of people who confuse love with obsession] it may be possible to recognize if you have a problem. There are four phases of ORP and each one carries unique behaviors. As demonstrated through the wheel, once an unhealthy attachment to another starts, the person who confuses love with obsession begins to lose emotional control.

It is called a "wheel" because it is always turning, round and round as the relationship continues. Sometimes the wheel turns quickly, other times slowly, but it is always turning and always painful. While examining the wheel, look for any patterns of behavior in your relationship(s) and ask yourself: "Do either I or the person I am involved with behave this way?"


OBSESSIVE LOVE WHEEL©
As Part of Obsessive Relational Progression

PHASE ONE THE ATTRACTION PHASE:

The initial phase of ORP is characterized by an instantaneous and overwhelming attraction to another person. It is at this point the relationally dependent person becomes "hooked" on a romantic interest, usually resulting from the slightest bit of attention from the person they are attracted to. Phase One ORP behaviors can include:

• An instant attraction to romantic interest, usually occurring within the first few minutes of meeting.

• An immediate urge to rush into a relationship regardless of compatibility.

• Becoming "hooked on the look" of another, focusing on the person's physical characteristics while ignoring personality differences.

• Unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with a love interest, assigning "magical" qualities to an object of affection.

• The beginnings of obsessive, controlling behaviors begin to manifest.

PHASE TWO THE ANXIOUS PHASE:

This phase in considered a relational turning point, which usually occurs after a commitment has been made between both parties. Sometimes however, the relationally dependent person will enter into this phase without the presence of a commitment. This happens when the afflicted person creates the illusion of intimacy, regardless of the other person's true feelings. The second phase of ORP behaviors can include:

• Unfounded thoughts of infidelity on the part of a partner and demanding accountability for normal daily activities.

• An overwhelming fear of abandonment, including baseless thoughts of a partner walking out on the relationship in favor of another person.

• The need to constantly be in contact with a love interest via phone, email or in person.

• Strong feelings of mistrust begin to emerge, causing depression, resentment and relational tension.

• The continuation and escalation of obsessive, controlling behaviors.

PHASE THREE THE OBSESSIVE PHASE:

This particular phase represents the rapid escalation of this unhealthy attachment style. It is at this point that obsessive, controlling behaviors reach critical mass, ultimately overwhelming the RD person's life. It is also at this point that the person being controlled begins to pull back and ultimately, severs the relationship. In short, Phase Three is characterized by a total loss of control on the part of the RD person, resulting from extreme anxiety. Usually, the following characteristics are apparent during the third phase of ORP.

• The onset of "tunnel vision," meaning that the relationally dependent person cannot stop thinking about a love interest and required his or her constant attention.

• Neurotic, compulsive behaviors, including rapid telephone calls to love interest's place of residence or workplace.

• Unfounded accusations of "cheating" due to extreme anxiety.

• "Drive-bys" around a love interest's home or place of employment, with the goal of assuring that the person is at where "he or she is supposed to be."

• Physical or electronic monitoring activities, following a love interest's whereabouts throughout the course of a day to discover daily activities.

• Extreme control tactics, including questioning a love interest's commitment to the relationship (guilt trips) with the goal of manipulating a love interest into providing more attention.

PHASE FOUR DESTRUCTIVE PHASE:

This is the final phase of Obsessive Relational Progression. It represents the destruction of the relationship, due to phase three behaviors, which have caused a love interest to understandably flee. For a variety of reasons, this is considered the most dangerous of the four phases, because the RD person suddenly plummets into a deep depression due to the collapse of the relationship. Here are some of the more common behaviors that are exhibited during phase four of ORP:

• Overwhelming feelings of depression (feeling "empty" inside).

• A sudden loss of self-esteem, due to the collapse of the relationship.

• Extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred.

• Anger, rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest for breaking off the relationship.

• Denial that the relationship has ended and attempting to "win a loved one back" by making promises to "change".

• The use of drugs, alcohol, food or sex to "medicate" the emotional pain.

SUMMARY

If your behaviors mirrored the various phases or the Obsessive Love Wheel, then it may be time to learn more. Obsessive Relational Progression is a problem that does not get better on its own and does not get better over time. Sadly for many people, the only way they can get off their frenzied wheel is by jumping onto a new one.

[Pamsters]

Hey Paulie,

Where did you get this information from? I need to know more about how to not be in a Obsessive Love Wheel. This is me; all the way. I want a healthy relationship not an obsessive one.

[Paulie]

You mean Hey Journey....this is her post and I agree, it is a really good one.

[journeygal]

Hi Pam,

LOL - I'm Journey, not Paulie. She's just one of my heroes and the person responsible for my signature!

This info came from a book called "Confusing Love with Obsession", by John D. Moore. I haven't read it yet, so I'm not sure how the book is. But I found that info pretty interesting and scary, since it hit pretty close to home for me too.

Hugs,
JG

[Pamsters]

Hey Journey,

I'm sorry I was just looking at the bottom of the quote when I wrote my response. Thanks I might have to pick up that book it is totally where I at right now in this new relationship I see that from reading the above.

[Lilya]

Journeygal,

Thanks a lot for the info. This is great stuff. I used to be like this, but got over it, probably from intensive group work and being constantly vigilante. I am active in a 12 step love relationship group in Paris.

Knowing it´s an obsession, not love, took some doings to get into my skull, although I understood quickly that my "love" was not healthy.I acted as if, and started sorting out the men I met really quickly. But it took years to get to this stage. I think it took about 7 years with a lot of practice of meeting wrong guys.

I´m still a bit obsessive; I see a man and get intensely attracted. But as soon as I feel he is not right for me, and it happens now real soon, I let him go and never look back. When it´s over, it´s over and I accept it.

Use adversity

[2stop]

I have had one obsessive love relationship, and I don't even ant to noe say it was love..but I was 16 and having lots and lots of home problems and my mental health was deteriorating, lots os suicide attempts..well one of the cops took a liking to me and thought he would "help" me by having sex whenever he could. I thought it was because he really cared about me and just wanted to help...It took awhile to get over but I became too distrusting and closed down emotionally to every guy I meant. Always found the giys who just wanted to use me for sex, but never became "in love" with them, and slowly just withdrew altogether. My friends were the opposite, every guy within eyesight was a potential "best Lover and mate ever" type of guy, and they really got hurt. It is such a struggle for we as women to love ourselves just as we are...WE ARE BEAUTIFUL AND UNIQUE EACH OF US LADIES!!!! I hope we all can grow to love and accept ourselves without having to have a man's or anyone elses approval.

(((((((((((((((((((Hugs TO MY SISTERS IN RECOVERY))))))))))))))

[journeygal]

This is something I'm struggling with and I'm trying to get a hold of it before it gets worse. It seems the more my husband grows in his recovery and makes progress in his life, the more threatened I feel and the more obsessive my behavior and thoughts become. I've been very embarassed and ashamed by all of this, but I'm determined to face it and not be afraid to talk about it. I know I'm not the only person going through this, and hopefully someone will read it and recognize that they too might have a problem.

Thanks guys.

[2stop]

{Journeygal} Don't be ashamed! it is so awesome that you are recognizing it and determined to work on this. Sadly, many never make it that far. Hang in there, okay?
((((((((((Sisterly Hugs!!!!!)))))))))

[sadman]

Journeygal That list summed up the last 20 years of my life, phase by phase. It's strange to see it in print. How do you stop? Once you cross the line it's hard to know were the line is between love an obsession. need to find my way back.

[journeygal]

Hi Sadman,

I'm still trying to figure it out! But the first step, as with everyone thing else, is recognizing you have a problem and that the obsessive behavior is unhealthy and causing your life to be unmanageable. There are 12 step programs for love addiction, and there are books out there that can help us find our way back.

I'm so glad you found this helpful.

[sadman]

Hi journeygal , I really hope I can change. I know I have some real deep issues to work out. I guess I don't feel worth love so when I had it I needed to test the limits constantly. I was so insecure I could not believe that this women loved me. I was jealous before there was a reason. The hole time I felt like I was holding on for my life, I was pushing her out of my life, I sure made a mess out of things. What gets me is I never even saw it as abnormal I never saw me as the problem. I t was so easy to blame her.

[journeygal]

Sadman, I feel very much as you do. Isn't it a shocker when we realize we were the problem all along?

I did some journal writing today about this and I came to the conclusion that it's much easier for me to believe or even accept that my husband is or has been unfaithful than it is to believe he has never been unfaithful. Why? B/c deep down it seems too good to be true that someone would be completely faithful and committed to me. That seems like the world's biggest fairytale! And I kept digging...and I realized that when I look in the mirror, even though I like myself more these days than I ever have before, I still feel that I don't measure up to anyone. Not any one in particular - just the general population...

Considering those feelings are at the root of all of this, no wonder I'm so insecure. So, it always comes back to me and how I need to continue working on my self-esteem, my self-worth, and stop putting everyone else above me.

[AvieG]

Great topic, and one which most of us will identify with, I'm sure. I read 'Women who Love Too Much' wich helped me see my dfects in this particular problem, ad here is yet another great piece of prose, which I keep on my inspiration board, 'Loving with an open hand'

Loving With An Open Hand
This week as I talked with a friend I recalled a story which I heard this summer." A compassionate person, seeing a butterfly struggling to free itself from its cocoon, and wanting to help, very gently loosened the filaments to form an opening. The butterfly was freed, emerged from the cocoon, and fluttered about but could not fly. What the compassionate person did not know was that only through the birth struggle can the wings grow strong enough for flight. Its shortened life was spent on the ground; it never knew freedom, never really lived."

I call it learning to love with an open hand. It is a learning which has come slowly to me and has been wrought in the fires of pain and in the waters of patience. I am learning that I must free the one I love, for if I clutch or cling, try to control, I lose what I try to hold.

If I try to change someone I love because I feel I know how that person should be, I rob him or her of a precious right, the right to take responsibility for one's own life and choices and way of being. Whenever I impose my wish or want or try to exert power over another, I rob him or her of the full realization of growth and maturation. I limit and thwart by my act of possession, no matter how kind my intention.

I can limit and injure by the kindest acts of protecting and protection or concern. Over extended it can say to the other person more eloquently than words, "You are unable to care for yourself; I must take care of you because you are mine. I am responsible for you."

As I learn and practice more and more, I can say to the one I love: "I love you, I value you, I respect you and I trust that you have or can develop the strength to become all that it is possible for you to become - if I don't get in your way. I love you so much that I can set you free to walk beside me in joy and in sadness. I will share your tears but I will not ask you not to cry. I will respond to your needs. I will care and comfort you, but I will not hold you up when you can walk alone. I will stand ready to be with you in your grief and loneliness but I will not take it away from you. I will strive to listen to your meaning as well as your word, but I shall not always agree. Sometimes I will be angry and when I am, I will try to tell you openly so that I need not resent our differences or feel estranged. I can not always be with you or hear what you say for there are times when I must listen to myself and care for myself, and when that happens I will be as honest with you as I can be."

I am learning to say this, whether it be in words or in my way of being with others and myself, to those I love and for whom I care. And this I call loving with an open hand.

I cannot always keep my hands off the cocoon, but I am getting better at it!

[Curious]

That Was EXACTLY My A, The Pothead's Behavior. His Controlling Efforts Became So Rediculous Towards The End It Was Embarrasing. Yep, He POSSESSED Me As That Sure In Hell Was NOT Love!! He Also Had Fetishes To Where It Seemed All He Needed Was An Object To Persue Them. It Became Worse When We Were Supposed To Be Married, This Time Last Year And I Just Couldn't Do It. Why Was It SO Important For Him To Be Married? Anyway, His Addiction Progressed GREATLY And I Couldn't Live In His Chaotic Life Anymore...He Became To Hate Me Since I Couldn't Live Up To His Fantasy And Wouldn't Commit So I Left Back In October. Amazing How That Works, Huh?

[ksos]

Originally posted by journeygal
This is something I'm struggling with and I'm trying to get a hold of it before it gets worse. It seems the more my husband grows in his recovery and makes progress in his life, the more threatened I feel and the more obsessive my behavior and thoughts become. I've been very embarassed and ashamed by all of this, but I'm determined to face it and not be afraid to talk about it. I know I'm not the only person going through this, and hopefully someone will read it and recognize that they too might have a problem.

JG...

You've been especially supportive of me in the last few days of this "yuK" weekend and I went for the first time to truly read this thread of obsessive love, coming upon this post which you wrote. I think that it really hits the nail on the head. My wife and I are progressing in our own distinct processes of recovery, but I believe that her recovery is manifesting in new behaviors which I am interpreting in a paranoid way--e.g. her having another relatonship, etc. All of her changing thus far has been hers'. I am no longer the primary focus of her life and that, I believe, is throwing me off course in terms of my thinking. I am realizing that I am beginning to become quite jealous of her progress, actually.

I am making much progress in my recovery as well. But I have to remember that it is my recovery, not her recovery. I guess that's where my boundaries get screwed up. This is a problem in my life and the only way I think I can manage these obsessive thoughts is to work even harder on myself. There is the reality that we are separated and that she may find someone else or just date someone. For some reason, I've always denied this, but I have to be in touch with the fact that I cannot control her anymore.

[Curious]

Now That I Have Left, He Still Refuses To Believe It's Over...Crushed His Bong And Threw It In My Driveway, Calling ALL The Time Telling Me He Quit, Will Do Anything To Get Me Back. Went To My Parents House Begging Them for Forgiveness, Gosh I've Become Embarrased For Him. Thn in A Minute All Of A Sudden he's Feeling The 'Clean' Life And Thanking Me For Allowing Him To See The Light, He's Clean Now And LOVING It...After 25 Years Of Using It JUST Can't Be This Fast, Can It? Nope, Not Him. Everything Written Above Sounds JUST Like Him. Scary!

[Trooth]

Well I have done the wheel before in the past. With each relationship things would get better though. Perhaps I just learned how to manage them. I would get jealous but keep it to myself. Sadly enough I think that I actually sought someone who was the same way with the obsessiveness. We stayed together for a while and were real close. When it ended I was absolutely crushed, that is part of the reason I started using and changed my life.

I caught myself doing this again though this week. When I recognized it I backed down. I still have the thoughts but I recognize them much more quickly and try to squash them. I even let her know that I can get over worked she said she understood.

I think insecurity is at the root of this. I know it is with me. Even in the face of women asking me out from time to time, I feel unattractive, and unworthy. When I do find someone I really like, and they like me, I start the wheel turning. I have been able to realize when I was just wanting a relationship, and not the person, and I have been able to tackle that. So I will see how much I have progressed I guess.

I agree that many of us here are probably going to find that we match that. I mean if we get obsessive over our substances, it is pretty easy to corelate the feelings from love to a euphoric. Pretty east to get addicted to that feeling, unfortunately there is a person at the other end that we are manipulating and controlling quite possibly treating them as a dealer of love, and not as a person we really care about.

Interesting post journeygal, men go through it too.

[bikewench]

I have to release this somewhere... and this seems like the right place.

I'm obsessing over a man.

I know where this is heading .... and I know that I'm being willful.


Lord.. Please... don't let me get all messed up again.
Give me peace of mind around this man, and let just enjoy having him in my life without wanting to get in there and manage the direction it is taking.

Please... guide my thinking so that I can keep my motives healthy and beneficial to us both.

I offer myself to you Lord...
To do with me what you will...

Help me to remember that YOU are the most important... and that as long as I keep you in the forefront of my mind... your influence in my life allows me to be happy, joyous and free...

[journeygal]

((((((Bikewench)))))

Amen. Awareness is the first step. Since I'm still struggling too, I'll pray for the both of us.

[bikewench]

J-gal

.. a burden shared is lighter as Gooch has told me.

Bless you.

[bikewench]

I am powerless...

It annoys the HELL out of me that the missing attention of one person can effect me soooo much.

I know that the reason this is happening is that I am "using" the good feelings I have when I interact with this person . Pretty much turns him into an "object"... and that is so disrespectful to him.

Live today for yourself Deb... live today for yourself.

[Gabe]

bikewench,
You are not alone in your feelings.
The missing attention of one person can affect me a lot too.
I'm trying to deal with this by focusing my attention on the people in my life who can give as well as they get.
So far, it's working just fine.
I've spent too much of my life in mourning over the fact that I'm not getting what I need from someone.
I'm a much happier person when I'm celebrating that fact that I'm in relationships that work.
Peace,
Gabe

[bikewench]

Thanks Gabe...

It really helps to know that I'm not the only one digging to China... ; )

Blessings on your day.

[SusannC]

Originally Posted by AvieG

Great topic, and one which most of us will identify with, I'm sure. I read 'Women who Love Too Much' wich helped me see my dfects in this particular problem, ad here is yet another great piece of prose, which I keep on my inspiration board, 'Loving with an open hand'

Loving With An Open Hand
This week as I talked with a friend I recalled a story which I heard this summer." A compassionate person, seeing a butterfly struggling to free itself from its cocoon, and wanting to help, very gently loosened the filaments to form an opening. The butterfly was freed, emerged from the cocoon, and fluttered about but could not fly. What the compassionate person did not know was that only through the birth struggle can the wings grow strong enough for flight. Its shortened life was spent on the ground; it never knew freedom, never really lived."

I call it learning to love with an open hand. It is a learning which has come slowly to me and has been wrought in the fires of pain and in the waters of patience. I am learning that I must free the one I love, for if I clutch or cling, try to control, I lose what I try to hold.

If I try to change someone I love because I feel I know how that person should be, I rob him or her of a precious right, the right to take responsibility for one's own life and choices and way of being. Whenever I impose my wish or want or try to exert power over another, I rob him or her of the full realization of growth and maturation. I limit and thwart by my act of possession, no matter how kind my intention.

I can limit and injure by the kindest acts of protecting and protection or concern. Over extended it can say to the other person more eloquently than words, "You are unable to care for yourself; I must take care of you because you are mine. I am responsible for you."

As I learn and practice more and more, I can say to the one I love: "I love you, I value you, I respect you and I trust that you have or can develop the strength to become all that it is possible for you to become - if I don't get in your way. I love you so much that I can set you free to walk beside me in joy and in sadness. I will share your tears but I will not ask you not to cry. I will respond to your needs. I will care and comfort you, but I will not hold you up when you can walk alone. I will stand ready to be with you in your grief and loneliness but I will not take it away from you. I will strive to listen to your meaning as well as your word, but I shall not always agree. Sometimes I will be angry and when I am, I will try to tell you openly so that I need not resent our differences or feel estranged. I can not always be with you or hear what you say for there are times when I must listen to myself and care for myself, and when that happens I will be as honest with you as I can be."

I am learning to say this, whether it be in words or in my way of being with others and myself, to those I love and for whom I care. And this I call loving with an open hand.

I cannot always keep my hands off the cocoon, but I am getting better at it!

Avie G,
Thank you so much for postng this! It made a huge difference in my life. I stumbled across this yesterday and it made me realize that I have been that compassionate person time and time again. I see someone struggling and because I don't want to see them suffer, I inetervene, not knowing that I am doing more harm than good. When I realized I was harming them, I felt like I was a horrible person, but now I realize that I was not a bad person. Just a caring person who needs to let my loved ones grow of their own accord. I discussed it with my fiancee because we are going through this very situation right now. HE is fighting a lot of his early childhood demons and trying to grow and change and I keep thinking I can force the process along. This post reminds me to sit back and be supportive but not forceful. Thank you.

Love,
Susann