obsessive love

[Inquisitive7]

Wow, thanks for this. This shed some light on my past relationship, esp. the point about making the other person feel guilty for not being more committed. This was EXACTLY what happened with my relationship. He was saying I wasn't committed even though my actions and words indicated so, unless something he did made me doubt that. When I started to see patterns of control and disrespectful behavior, I began to back away and this is when he really escalated the "you're not committed to me." It was such a strange situation because I felt I was giving my all and yet he wasn't seeing it. Never had this happen before.

[mcasey]

I could use some help here. I am new and can't post to individuals. I wrote out a very long post, but then lost it. A sign from God, maybe. So I'll be brief.

I have been sober a long time. I have been divorced for almost 3 years. During that time I began a 2nd Bog Book 4th step to uncover more heidden gems. I got lonely and self-centered about 8 months ago and tried on-line dating. There is no one around here for me to date. After fending off a lot of people who wanted me to help them get sober, I did decide to take one relapser to a meeting. They formed an instant and obsessive bond with me. They stayed sober and got a sponsor. I had to disconnect fot 2 months so they could settle. Then we resumed a frienship. They wanted more but were satisfied with friends, although I see now that they were simply waiting for me to change my mind.

I have never ever dated someone I consider a newcomer. It was unthinkable. But this person proceeded to "court" me in a way I have never experienced. I, unsoundedly and selfishly, came to decide that their proposal of friends with benefits would be okay. I thought I could do it. Halfway through the benefits I freaked and cried and apologozed and we parted friends.

From that moment on, it has been nothing but a freak show. I have never experienced the insanity show I am now amid. I am concluding, by putting pieces together of history that they have shared, that they are suffering from love addiction, as well.

I realize that this event is my fault and I take full responsibility. I do feel duped, but it is still my responsibility. My question is, what do I do in the aftermath of the abhorent wreckage that is being made of both my life and my AA world? The other question is, am I a love addict, too? I think I have relationship issues, which I am working on, but does this situation mean I am an obssessive love addict, as well>

Serious help only, please. I already know I am a bad person for doing this. No inventory taking needed. Thanks.

mcasey

[Sugah]

I dated a man when I had about a year sober and he had ten years. I had a sponsor, had done formal step work with her, had a service position, etc. I had tried dating a few months before (another guy in the program about two years sober) and it was a disaster. Thankfully, he lived far enough away that we didn't run into each other.

Well, I thought we'd been open enough with each other that we knew what we wanted, knew what we didn't, and were honest with each other about it. He wasn't looking for something serious, he told me. We were good friends--with benefits, of course. When he was ready to settle down, he'd be looking for someone who could do the kinds of things he liked to do--trout fishing, scuba diving--and that I couldn't because of disabilities.

Long story short, over the course of four or five months, we were on again/off again as his on-line dating efforts yielded a couple of women more suited to his interests. Maybe I was an idiot in taking him back, but really? I didn't care. I was no more looking for something serious with him as he was with me.

But the problem was--he did consider us to be serious, at least when we were together. I finally broke it off, and for six weeks after, every Sunday morning, a dozen roses appeared on my front porch. He bought a brand new Harley. He quit going to meetings.

So, it wasn't me, the relative newcomer who fell apart afterward. It was him, so I can't speak to the place where you find yourself. My suggestion would be to stay close to the god of your understanding, your sponsor, and your meetings. Inside those rooms, we're all just 'one of,' just alcoholics. The insanity ends when you use the tools -- and do the next right thing. One foot in front of the other, and walk through it.

Peace & Love,
Sugah