obsessive love - Page 7 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Inquisitive7 · 09-13-2009, 12:08 AM

Wow, thanks for this. This shed some light on my past relationship, esp. the point about making the other person feel guilty for not being more committed. This was EXACTLY what happened with my relationship. He was saying I wasn't committed even though my actions and words indicated so, unless something he did made me doubt that. When I started to see patterns of control and disrespectful behavior, I began to back away and this is when he really escalated the "you're not committed to me." It was such a strange situation because I felt I was giving my all and yet he wasn't seeing it. Never had this happen before.

mcasey · 10-25-2009, 02:46 PM

I could use some help here. I am new and can't post to individuals. I wrote out a very long post, but then lost it. A sign from God, maybe. So I'll be brief.

I have been sober a long time. I have been divorced for almost 3 years. During that time I began a 2nd Bog Book 4th step to uncover more heidden gems. I got lonely and self-centered about 8 months ago and tried on-line dating. There is no one around here for me to date. After fending off a lot of people who wanted me to help them get sober, I did decide to take one relapser to a meeting. They formed an instant and obsessive bond with me. They stayed sober and got a sponsor. I had to disconnect fot 2 months so they could settle. Then we resumed a frienship. They wanted more but were satisfied with friends, although I see now that they were simply waiting for me to change my mind.

I have never ever dated someone I consider a newcomer. It was unthinkable. But this person proceeded to "court" me in a way I have never experienced. I, unsoundedly and selfishly, came to decide that their proposal of friends with benefits would be okay. I thought I could do it. Halfway through the benefits I freaked and cried and apologozed and we parted friends.

From that moment on, it has been nothing but a freak show. I have never experienced the insanity show I am now amid. I am concluding, by putting pieces together of history that they have shared, that they are suffering from love addiction, as well.

I realize that this event is my fault and I take full responsibility. I do feel duped, but it is still my responsibility. My question is, what do I do in the aftermath of the abhorent wreckage that is being made of both my life and my AA world? The other question is, am I a love addict, too? I think I have relationship issues, which I am working on, but does this situation mean I am an obssessive love addict, as well>

Serious help only, please. I already know I am a bad person for doing this. No inventory taking needed. Thanks.

mcasey

Sugah · 10-25-2009, 05:21 PM

I dated a man when I had about a year sober and he had ten years. I had a sponsor, had done formal step work with her, had a service position, etc. I had tried dating a few months before (another guy in the program about two years sober) and it was a disaster. Thankfully, he lived far enough away that we didn't run into each other.

Well, I thought we'd been open enough with each other that we knew what we wanted, knew what we didn't, and were honest with each other about it. He wasn't looking for something serious, he told me. We were good friends--with benefits, of course. When he was ready to settle down, he'd be looking for someone who could do the kinds of things he liked to do--trout fishing, scuba diving--and that I couldn't because of disabilities.

Long story short, over the course of four or five months, we were on again/off again as his on-line dating efforts yielded a couple of women more suited to his interests. Maybe I was an idiot in taking him back, but really? I didn't care. I was no more looking for something serious with him as he was with me.

But the problem was--he did consider us to be serious, at least when we were together. I finally broke it off, and for six weeks after, every Sunday morning, a dozen roses appeared on my front porch. He bought a brand new Harley. He quit going to meetings.

So, it wasn't me, the relative newcomer who fell apart afterward. It was him, so I can't speak to the place where you find yourself. My suggestion would be to stay close to the god of your understanding, your sponsor, and your meetings. Inside those rooms, we're all just 'one of,' just alcoholics. The insanity ends when you use the tools -- and do the next right thing. One foot in front of the other, and walk through it.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Snarfblak · 12-06-2009, 04:12 PM

diddo

Wednesday3 · 03-01-2010, 10:22 AM

There are so many great posts in this thread. I can't tell you how much releif rushed over me while reading them. I'm a very insecure person and have been working on that my entire life. The man I am dating now I love so much and for the first time in my life, I could see myself staying with him for a long time. He's a recovering opiate addict and I feel like we both have clung to each other. He shows many of the behaviors of the wheel but I am far worse. It's gotten to the point where I've became jealous of his pornography because I think he wishes I were like the girls on the screen. The anxiety between that and fear he might relapse is really intense and I wish I could just stop myself. I'm so glad this thread has been posted and have a place to go and talk about it. It really helps.

tpen · 05-04-2010, 02:45 PM

I found this older post based and wanted to bring it back. After thinking about things I and XAGF both did this. The constant phone calls were in effect stage 2. Experiences shared by others help me understand my downfalls too.

barefootivy · 05-14-2010, 07:10 AM

i find it specularly amazing that there are so many of us out there dealing with the same issue./nsecurities, or however you might want to put it. Im starting to come into my own as a person, and i see that the person of intrest in my life, a newcomer to recovery, and that being a friend with benefits, will only screw things up even more. He is constantly distracted and confused , and he tends to have his moral code disrupted by the thought of love. It might be safe to say that as an addict, he can be addicted to anything. whether is cocaine, or alcohol, or crack/meth/herione or anything in between all the way to the tips of love addiction. Because the substances have been stripped away from his life, he still has a craving. Just so happens to be that i come along, and stick his head in the clouds and now that addiction is starting to transfer to love instead. After reading all these posts the last few days i see that its a dangerous thing. Loving someone who is trying to love themselves. Just food for thought.

Ceres · 05-14-2010, 07:50 AM

Who are these people that can have friends with benefits work out!? :-)

I've never seen it done successfully - But, it must work out sometimes or the phrase wouldn't exist! Maybe it doesn't coincide with alkies/addicts too well.

(we thunk)?

love123 · 05-28-2010, 11:05 AM

IS THIS LOVE OR OBSESSIVE?

Hey my name is nicole im 18 and im new on here and dont really know how to use this. Anyways my boyfriend who is 24 whom ive been with for a year is an addict. Ive been with him since june 2009 and in Febuary 2010 he went to an out of state rehab for oxycotton. I knew he had a problem from the start but didnt know how to handle it. But now he has gotten his treatment and is home.

When he got home we had some problems because he wanted to be with me but also i caught him talking to 3 different girls from this rehab. Ive talked to the girls and they told me that they told him that he didnt have a girlfriend but when i confront him its a whole different story. He admitted to talking/flirting with them but not doing anything physically. Either way i have forgiven him and put it in the past.

But also after all this drama he told me i had to change my whole lifestyle. Ive never been the type to do drugs, but yeah im social and go out with friends where alcohol is. I told him i wouldnt drink anymore for him and help him. But now this is makeing me loose all of my friends. Not the not drinking part but the part where i cant even go out to anywhere because there is alcohol. He doesnt trust me to not drink if i go out.

And to add to all this i just turned 18 in april. Ive been going through alot for him because i love him. This isnt a normal 17/18 year old life and he doesnt understand how much i have sacrafised for him. He takes me for granted and minipulates me all the time. And i dont know how to react to all of this because i dont know if hes going to use drugs when we get in arguments or if he'll try killing himself when i say we need time apart or if i ask to go out with my friends (which he has done before and had to go to the hospital to get his stomach pumped).

Honestly i truly want to be with him and help him through whatever. But he says im selfish and greedy for wanting to go out because he says then that i lied to him because i told him i wouldnt go out and i wouldnt drink anymore. He has been 3 months clean and is doing very well. I wouldnt think going out with my friends for a little then coming home to him is a big deal? Am i selfish for saying this?

And im graduating in june and all of my girlfriends are getting a shore house for the week. Our parents are paying for it as a graduationg present and he doesnt want me to go. He swears im going to get drunk or something when i havent drank since hes been home from rehab for him. I want to able to celebrate graduating with my friends, its a one time thing. Am i wrong and selfish for wanting to go? Is it the wrong thing to go? Is it the right thing to stay for him.

Alls i want to do is whats best for him so ive been doing everything to try and not get him mad and want to use. But im getting so over whelmed with everything.. can anyone help me? Or explain to me what i am suppose to do? Please.

theloveaddict · 06-08-2010, 11:39 PM

Hi Nicole
I hope you went to your graduation week. You are too young to be allowing anyone to limit your freedom. You are still learning about the world and he is trying to limit your experiences in life because of his own fear. You do what you want to, and don't feel responsible for his actions while you are doing it.
TLA

theloveaddict · 06-08-2010, 11:59 PM

Im so glad I found this site. I'm hopelessly addicted to love and suffocate the relationship with my jealousy.
I finally took the psychological step today to block him from my life, no contact possible. Day one of withdrawls again, this is one of many disconnections, though we are both guilty of striking it up again. I think he has co-dependance issues too.

My blog site: Theloveaddict's Blog

Right now I'm sitting in my boat in the middle of a big ocean with no shore in site. There is a canyon of emptiness in my gut. I did this to myself, and I have to take the steps for myself to make me better.

I have to turn around and face my childhood front on and keep looking at it till its over. And I need to stay well away from love.
TLA

barefootivy · 06-09-2010, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alizerin

Who are these people that can have friends with benefits work out!? :-)

I've never seen it done successfully - But, it must work out sometimes or the phrase wouldn't exist! Maybe it doesn't coincide with alkies/addicts too well.

(we thunk)?

yeah being intimate with a friend and not having it be "offical", if you will, it just disaster and degrading as well. Ive decided that me and my intrest shouldnt be intimate any longer b/c im scared of his love addiction, and possibly mine. I have a tendency to follow through with my virgoan nature when it comes to love. I know that the more we make love, not just have sex, the more he longs to be with me and its extremly selfish! thats what it really comes down to. can someone be so selfish to deman love from another subconciously? yikes, friends with benefits.. its fun up until someone gets obessed and/or hurt.

theloveaddict · 06-09-2010, 04:10 PM

These relationships have never worked for me. I become too needy even if my motives are clear to begin with. Somehow I always feel like I'm giving but never receiving. Isn't that the story of our lives - the perception that we aren't getting anything back.
At this point in my recover - day 2, I'm staying well away from love and sex, my ememies and nemesis, for now.

Happy loving to you all. xx
TLA

theloveaddict · 06-09-2010, 04:17 PM

.Loving someone who is trying to love themselves. Just food for thought.[/QUOTE]

Yeah I agree barefootivy, loving someone who is trying to love themselves is too messy and would become confusing. I think you both need a friend more.
TLA

theloveaddict · 06-09-2010, 07:03 PM

A free recovery program for addiction that has Love Addictions aspects to it available at:

Getting Started in Recovery

butterfly175 · 09-27-2011, 07:53 AM

Wow, I have to print this, this explains my last relationship from beginning to end, which really makes me question if I was truly in love and which I already knew it was not a healthy relationship and I think I should look back at all other relationships I was in!!

butterfly175 · 09-27-2011, 07:55 AM

Yes, I know it does not work for me, that's how my last relationship started and it ended in disaster!!!

nevrlift13 · 11-25-2011, 09:51 AM

wow i was in one of those so grateful not to be anymore my GOD that was so sick

10-25-2009, 05:21 PM	#153 (permalink)
Sugah Om, Aum, Ohm... Mini Pool 2 Champion! Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh Posts: 4,596	I dated a man when I had about a year sober and he had ten years. I had a sponsor, had done formal step work with her, had a service position, etc. I had tried dating a few months before (another guy in the program about two years sober) and it was a disaster. Thankfully, he lived far enough away that we didn't run into each other. Well, I thought we'd been open enough with each other that we knew what we wanted, knew what we didn't, and were honest with each other about it. He wasn't looking for something serious, he told me. We were good friends--with benefits, of course. When he was ready to settle down, he'd be looking for someone who could do the kinds of things he liked to do--trout fishing, scuba diving--and that I couldn't because of disabilities. Long story short, over the course of four or five months, we were on again/off again as his on-line dating efforts yielded a couple of women more suited to his interests. Maybe I was an idiot in taking him back, but really? I didn't care. I was no more looking for something serious with him as he was with me. But the problem was--he did consider us to be serious, at least when we were together. I finally broke it off, and for six weeks after, every Sunday morning, a dozen roses appeared on my front porch. He bought a brand new Harley. He quit going to meetings. So, it wasn't me, the relative newcomer who fell apart afterward. It was him, so I can't speak to the place where you find yourself. My suggestion would be to stay close to the god of your understanding, your sponsor, and your meetings. Inside those rooms, we're all just 'one of,' just alcoholics. The insanity ends when you use the tools -- and do the next right thing. One foot in front of the other, and walk through it. Peace & Love, Sugah __________________ There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done Keep me in your heart for awhile ~WZ ANS 01/29/86 - 08/04/08

05-04-2010, 02:45 PM	#156 (permalink)
tpen today4me Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 311	I found this older post based and wanted to bring it back. After thinking about things I and XAGF both did this. The constant phone calls were in effect stage 2. Experiences shared by others help me understand my downfalls too. __________________ flyhigh

06-09-2010, 04:10 PM	#163 (permalink)
theloveaddict Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 7	Friends with benefits These relationships have never worked for me. I become too needy even if my motives are clear to begin with. Somehow I always feel like I'm giving but never receiving. Isn't that the story of our lives - the perception that we aren't getting anything back. At this point in my recover - day 2, I'm staying well away from love and sex, my ememies and nemesis, for now. Happy loving to you all. xx TLA

06-09-2010, 04:17 PM	#164 (permalink)
theloveaddict Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 7	loving someone learning to love themselves .Loving someone who is trying to love themselves. Just food for thought.[/QUOTE] Yeah I agree barefootivy, loving someone who is trying to love themselves is too messy and would become confusing. I think you both need a friend more. TLA

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

09-13-2009, 12:08 AM	#151 (permalink)
Inquisitive7 Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Wherever I turn my attention Posts: 57	Wow, thanks for this. This shed some light on my past relationship, esp. the point about making the other person feel guilty for not being more committed. This was EXACTLY what happened with my relationship. He was saying I wasn't committed even though my actions and words indicated so, unless something he did made me doubt that. When I started to see patterns of control and disrespectful behavior, I began to back away and this is when he really escalated the "you're not committed to me." It was such a strange situation because I felt I was giving my all and yet he wasn't seeing it. Never had this happen before.

10-25-2009, 02:46 PM	#152 (permalink)
mcasey Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 2	I could use some help here. I am new and can't post to individuals. I wrote out a very long post, but then lost it. A sign from God, maybe. So I'll be brief. I have been sober a long time. I have been divorced for almost 3 years. During that time I began a 2nd Bog Book 4th step to uncover more heidden gems. I got lonely and self-centered about 8 months ago and tried on-line dating. There is no one around here for me to date. After fending off a lot of people who wanted me to help them get sober, I did decide to take one relapser to a meeting. They formed an instant and obsessive bond with me. They stayed sober and got a sponsor. I had to disconnect fot 2 months so they could settle. Then we resumed a frienship. They wanted more but were satisfied with friends, although I see now that they were simply waiting for me to change my mind. I have never ever dated someone I consider a newcomer. It was unthinkable. But this person proceeded to "court" me in a way I have never experienced. I, unsoundedly and selfishly, came to decide that their proposal of friends with benefits would be okay. I thought I could do it. Halfway through the benefits I freaked and cried and apologozed and we parted friends. From that moment on, it has been nothing but a freak show. I have never experienced the insanity show I am now amid. I am concluding, by putting pieces together of history that they have shared, that they are suffering from love addiction, as well. I realize that this event is my fault and I take full responsibility. I do feel duped, but it is still my responsibility. My question is, what do I do in the aftermath of the abhorent wreckage that is being made of both my life and my AA world? The other question is, am I a love addict, too? I think I have relationship issues, which I am working on, but does this situation mean I am an obssessive love addict, as well> Serious help only, please. I already know I am a bad person for doing this. No inventory taking needed. Thanks. mcasey

12-06-2009, 04:12 PM	#154 (permalink)
Snarfblak TinaBina Join Date: May 2009 Location: Radford, Virginia Posts: 12 Blog Entries: 10	diddo

03-01-2010, 10:22 AM	#155 (permalink)
Wednesday3 Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: NY Posts: 8	There are so many great posts in this thread. I can't tell you how much releif rushed over me while reading them. I'm a very insecure person and have been working on that my entire life. The man I am dating now I love so much and for the first time in my life, I could see myself staying with him for a long time. He's a recovering opiate addict and I feel like we both have clung to each other. He shows many of the behaviors of the wheel but I am far worse. It's gotten to the point where I've became jealous of his pornography because I think he wishes I were like the girls on the screen. The anxiety between that and fear he might relapse is really intense and I wish I could just stop myself. I'm so glad this thread has been posted and have a place to go and talk about it. It really helps.

05-14-2010, 07:10 AM	#157 (permalink)
barefootivy Member Join Date: May 2010 Location: Asheville NC Posts: 11	i find it specularly amazing that there are so many of us out there dealing with the same issue./nsecurities, or however you might want to put it. Im starting to come into my own as a person, and i see that the person of intrest in my life, a newcomer to recovery, and that being a friend with benefits, will only screw things up even more. He is constantly distracted and confused , and he tends to have his moral code disrupted by the thought of love. It might be safe to say that as an addict, he can be addicted to anything. whether is cocaine, or alcohol, or crack/meth/herione or anything in between all the way to the tips of love addiction. Because the substances have been stripped away from his life, he still has a craving. Just so happens to be that i come along, and stick his head in the clouds and now that addiction is starting to transfer to love instead. After reading all these posts the last few days i see that its a dangerous thing. Loving someone who is trying to love themselves. Just food for thought.

05-14-2010, 07:50 AM	#158 (permalink)
Ceres Go ask the Multivax Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 2,481 Blog Entries: 42	Who are these people that can have friends with benefits work out!? :-) I've never seen it done successfully - But, it must work out sometimes or the phrase wouldn't exist! Maybe it doesn't coincide with alkies/addicts too well. (we thunk)?

05-28-2010, 11:05 AM	#159 (permalink)
love123 Member Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 22	IS THIS LOVE OR OBSESSIVE? Hey my name is nicole im 18 and im new on here and dont really know how to use this. Anyways my boyfriend who is 24 whom ive been with for a year is an addict. Ive been with him since june 2009 and in Febuary 2010 he went to an out of state rehab for oxycotton. I knew he had a problem from the start but didnt know how to handle it. But now he has gotten his treatment and is home. When he got home we had some problems because he wanted to be with me but also i caught him talking to 3 different girls from this rehab. Ive talked to the girls and they told me that they told him that he didnt have a girlfriend but when i confront him its a whole different story. He admitted to talking/flirting with them but not doing anything physically. Either way i have forgiven him and put it in the past. But also after all this drama he told me i had to change my whole lifestyle. Ive never been the type to do drugs, but yeah im social and go out with friends where alcohol is. I told him i wouldnt drink anymore for him and help him. But now this is makeing me loose all of my friends. Not the not drinking part but the part where i cant even go out to anywhere because there is alcohol. He doesnt trust me to not drink if i go out. And to add to all this i just turned 18 in april. Ive been going through alot for him because i love him. This isnt a normal 17/18 year old life and he doesnt understand how much i have sacrafised for him. He takes me for granted and minipulates me all the time. And i dont know how to react to all of this because i dont know if hes going to use drugs when we get in arguments or if he'll try killing himself when i say we need time apart or if i ask to go out with my friends (which he has done before and had to go to the hospital to get his stomach pumped). Honestly i truly want to be with him and help him through whatever. But he says im selfish and greedy for wanting to go out because he says then that i lied to him because i told him i wouldnt go out and i wouldnt drink anymore. He has been 3 months clean and is doing very well. I wouldnt think going out with my friends for a little then coming home to him is a big deal? Am i selfish for saying this? And im graduating in june and all of my girlfriends are getting a shore house for the week. Our parents are paying for it as a graduationg present and he doesnt want me to go. He swears im going to get drunk or something when i havent drank since hes been home from rehab for him. I want to able to celebrate graduating with my friends, its a one time thing. Am i wrong and selfish for wanting to go? Is it the wrong thing to go? Is it the right thing to stay for him. Alls i want to do is whats best for him so ive been doing everything to try and not get him mad and want to use. But im getting so over whelmed with everything.. can anyone help me? Or explain to me what i am suppose to do? Please.

06-08-2010, 11:39 PM	#160 (permalink)
theloveaddict Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 7	Hi Nicole I hope you went to your graduation week. You are too young to be allowing anyone to limit your freedom. You are still learning about the world and he is trying to limit your experiences in life because of his own fear. You do what you want to, and don't feel responsible for his actions while you are doing it. TLA

06-08-2010, 11:59 PM	#161 (permalink)
theloveaddict Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 7	Im so glad I found this site. I'm hopelessly addicted to love and suffocate the relationship with my jealousy. I finally took the psychological step today to block him from my life, no contact possible. Day one of withdrawls again, this is one of many disconnections, though we are both guilty of striking it up again. I think he has co-dependance issues too. My blog site: Theloveaddict's Blog Right now I'm sitting in my boat in the middle of a big ocean with no shore in site. There is a canyon of emptiness in my gut. I did this to myself, and I have to take the steps for myself to make me better. I have to turn around and face my childhood front on and keep looking at it till its over. And I need to stay well away from love. TLA

06-09-2010, 07:03 PM	#165 (permalink)
theloveaddict Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 7	A free recovery program for addiction that has Love Addictions aspects to it available at: Getting Started in Recovery

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

09-27-2011, 07:53 AM	#166 (permalink)
butterfly175 Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Huntington, AR Posts: 10	Wow, I have to print this, this explains my last relationship from beginning to end, which really makes me question if I was truly in love and which I already knew it was not a healthy relationship and I think I should look back at all other relationships I was in!!

09-27-2011, 07:55 AM	#167 (permalink)
butterfly175 Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Huntington, AR Posts: 10	Yes, I know it does not work for me, that's how my last relationship started and it ended in disaster!!!

11-25-2011, 09:51 AM	#168 (permalink)
nevrlift13 Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: long beach, ca. Posts: 7	wow i was in one of those so grateful not to be anymore my GOD that was so sick