obsessive love

[virgo_baby]

I have to say another "wow" by this article! Its sad to say that I am currently in this situation.

I willingly AND unwillingly became involved with another recovery member. We hung out a couple times after meetings, I didn't think much of it, but out of the blue he made it VERY clear that he was attracted to me. Ordinarily I'd clam up and passively say no.. which I sorta did. But I said sorry not interested like five times.. and he's still pushing me! Its akward since we go to meetings, I do enjoy being his friend, I don't want to *** on him but I can't stand being "forced" to be with someone.

I'm just learning about boundaries and I know I have to learn to stick up for myself in a NON-passive way, and I've been to enough meetings and read enough literature to be grateful for this lesson. I know it'll get solved one way or another

[roadie58]

My GOD, this is real, I have this. It's the root cause of my depression and addictions. Why didn't I see it sooner? I'm so ashamed at my thoughts and feelings toward this girl, and now I realize that I've been totally obsessed with her for years, trying to control her, constantly monitoring her, trying to be a 'friend' just to be around her.

I'm such a bad, bad man. I need help.

There's pages of my obsession on my Journal thread in Substance Abuse entitled I'm ALIVE (it was closed and is probably on page 3 by now). If anyone cares to comment.

Thanks, I need some hope right now.

[roadie58]

College Boy wrote this a few pages ago - "I can't stand the thought of her with someone else, with not me. It sucks so much, and being in this college atmosphere means parties and things of the like where hookups are unfortunately not uncommon. This really tweaks me out and gets me freaking out."

The object of my desire, a young college girl who's worked for me, was on a ski trip with a new boy (she specifically won't call him a boyfriend or say she loves him) and I was just going crazy this past week. Every night I'd think of what it time was where they were and what naughty sexual things she might be doing with him. She and I have never had a physical relationship, but she's teased me mercilessly. Used to be a HS cheerleader- professional tease in my book. It started as good fun in the office, then I think she made a sport of 'getting to me'. It' so bad that I've even tried to get back at her by 'creeping her out' telling her that I get off thinking about her and stuff. Yet every time I rehire her for a job (I'm a photographer- she's my assistant) she's right there and we do work very well together. Maybe she just puts up with me cause she needs the money? I've confided in her my alcohol and drug dependencies and she's been kinda supportive, although she's confused why me, a middle aged successful man, would call on her, a college lass, for 'advice'.

My AA sponsor has hinted at Sex Addicts, where he's a member. I wonder if I need that (how can you be a sex addict when you have no partner?), or just some therapy to go along with AA and anti-D drugs?

We've talked about me doing a 9th step, but what harm has really befallen her? SPonsor says I'd just beg to do the 9th to have one more contact with her, to tell her once and for all my feelings, to see her one 'last' time. Now he's saying that I should never contact her again, to delete any email I get, etc. It KILLS ME to think this. I'm truly OBSESSED.

I hired her to come over and help me decorate my house for Christmas again this year. I'm just hiring a pretend girlfriend, aren't I? She hinted about was that what I thought and I acted like I didn't hear, but she and God were giving me an opening to talk about it then.

[codectified]

All of these posts are extremely insightful and amazing stories... but i find myself in the middle of two extremes. I dont feel that i fall for anyone who gives me attention... I do meet people that I really want to be with.. and I do meet people that like me that i really want to be with... but even with these people I still find myself sometimes wanting the relationship and not hte person.. ill act out of low self-esteem and make myself need someone. How do you deal with controlling this so that you don't lose good people.. and destroy potentially amazing relationships?

[azure1967]

I joined quickly after reading this thread, I know a person who I had a short whirlwind relationship with who fits the bill. He has an obsession with an ex girlfriend and it's gotten to the stage where He does drive-bys past her house every few minutes. There are a lot more details surrounding this particular person which I wont go into but I was wondering who to mess. or email as I am worried about a few things and I dont wish to write a long passage in this quick reply part. Thankyou in advance if You can help me out!

[GratefulGirl]

wow - i am happy i found this forum. my addict boyfriend is doing great with his recovery but i (a severe codependent) am having more trouble than ever! now i am worried constantly that he is cheating me - like i have replaced one fear for another. i am working on step 1 right now (im new to all this) and already feel the empowerment that comes from being aware of the problem, but its tough to just all of a sudden be ok. hes doing great being "normal" and its like i dont know how to be "normal" at all. i am obsessed with the idea that this girl (who has no idea of who he was just 2 months ago) and he are messing around. i cant sleep - last night i woke up while he was sleeping so i could go through his phone to see if there was anything suspicious! its tiring and frustrating - why was i happier and more secure when things were so messed up?

[sweetcandy0919]

Oh my goodness..I have read through this info, and this is exactly myself!! LOL It has been almost 3 years since I started to really work on this particular love issues. It has been a constant ups and downs, and I do have to watch out for myself everyday. Thank you so much for posting this info! It is extremely helpful~!

Everytime I am attracted to someone, it occurs usually instantly..and exactly beause someone that I have a little bit of attraction gives me the slightest interest in me. And then I start to think about him often, and try to look nice everytime I have a chance to see him. Then normally intimacy occurs within a relatively short period of time-REGARDLESS of actual incompatability,,and even after realizing that it is not working out, I have a problem actually admitting this part. And Depression, extreme anxiety and fear of abandonment set in, which lead to curruption of this relationship. Then I jump right on to the rebound.

I have been working very hard toward recovery, and I have been doing ok. I will post on it soon!

Thank you so much for the info.

Sweetcandy

Originally Posted by journeygal

The Case of Obsessive Relational Progression

So how do you know if you have developed an unhealthy attachment to another person? By examining the Obsessive Love Wheel (OLW), which is designed to illustrate an overall process called Obsessive Relational Progression (ORP) [the specific attachment style of people who confuse love with obsession] it may be possible to recognize if you have a problem. There are four phases of ORP and each one carries unique behaviors. As demonstrated through the wheel, once an unhealthy attachment to another starts, the person who confuses love with obsession begins to lose emotional control.

It is called a "wheel" because it is always turning, round and round as the relationship continues. Sometimes the wheel turns quickly, other times slowly, but it is always turning and always painful. While examining the wheel, look for any patterns of behavior in your relationship(s) and ask yourself: "Do either I or the person I am involved with behave this way?"


OBSESSIVE LOVE WHEEL©
As Part of Obsessive Relational Progression

PHASE ONE THE ATTRACTION PHASE:

The initial phase of ORP is characterized by an instantaneous and overwhelming attraction to another person. It is at this point the relationally dependent person becomes "hooked" on a romantic interest, usually resulting from the slightest bit of attention from the person they are attracted to. Phase One ORP behaviors can include:

• An instant attraction to romantic interest, usually occurring within the first few minutes of meeting.

• An immediate urge to rush into a relationship regardless of compatibility.

• Becoming "hooked on the look" of another, focusing on the person's physical characteristics while ignoring personality differences.

• Unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with a love interest, assigning "magical" qualities to an object of affection.

• The beginnings of obsessive, controlling behaviors begin to manifest.

PHASE TWO THE ANXIOUS PHASE:

This phase in considered a relational turning point, which usually occurs after a commitment has been made between both parties. Sometimes however, the relationally dependent person will enter into this phase without the presence of a commitment. This happens when the afflicted person creates the illusion of intimacy, regardless of the other person's true feelings. The second phase of ORP behaviors can include:

• Unfounded thoughts of infidelity on the part of a partner and demanding accountability for normal daily activities.

• An overwhelming fear of abandonment, including baseless thoughts of a partner walking out on the relationship in favor of another person.

• The need to constantly be in contact with a love interest via phone, email or in person.

• Strong feelings of mistrust begin to emerge, causing depression, resentment and relational tension.

• The continuation and escalation of obsessive, controlling behaviors.

PHASE THREE THE OBSESSIVE PHASE:

This particular phase represents the rapid escalation of this unhealthy attachment style. It is at this point that obsessive, controlling behaviors reach critical mass, ultimately overwhelming the RD person's life. It is also at this point that the person being controlled begins to pull back and ultimately, severs the relationship. In short, Phase Three is characterized by a total loss of control on the part of the RD person, resulting from extreme anxiety. Usually, the following characteristics are apparent during the third phase of ORP.

• The onset of "tunnel vision," meaning that the relationally dependent person cannot stop thinking about a love interest and required his or her constant attention.

• Neurotic, compulsive behaviors, including rapid telephone calls to love interest's place of residence or workplace.

• Unfounded accusations of "cheating" due to extreme anxiety.

• "Drive-bys" around a love interest's home or place of employment, with the goal of assuring that the person is at where "he or she is supposed to be."

• Physical or electronic monitoring activities, following a love interest's whereabouts throughout the course of a day to discover daily activities.

• Extreme control tactics, including questioning a love interest's commitment to the relationship (guilt trips) with the goal of manipulating a love interest into providing more attention.

PHASE FOUR DESTRUCTIVE PHASE:

This is the final phase of Obsessive Relational Progression. It represents the destruction of the relationship, due to phase three behaviors, which have caused a love interest to understandably flee. For a variety of reasons, this is considered the most dangerous of the four phases, because the RD person suddenly plummets into a deep depression due to the collapse of the relationship. Here are some of the more common behaviors that are exhibited during phase four of ORP:

• Overwhelming feelings of depression (feeling "empty" inside).

• A sudden loss of self-esteem, due to the collapse of the relationship.

• Extreme feelings of self-blame and at times, self-hatred.

• Anger, rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest for breaking off the relationship.

• Denial that the relationship has ended and attempting to "win a loved one back" by making promises to "change".

• The use of drugs, alcohol, food or sex to "medicate" the emotional pain.

SUMMARY

If your behaviors mirrored the various phases or the Obsessive Love Wheel, then it may be time to learn more. Obsessive Relational Progression is a problem that does not get better on its own and does not get better over time. Sadly for many people, the only way they can get off their frenzied wheel is by jumping onto a new one.

[saraswati]

I found this site and joined and what I have been reading so far is very helpful. I finally left a 20 year abusive but "sober" marriage. I stayed in it so long due to trauma bonding and because I am afraid to feel my feeling when not in a relationship. It was too scary for me to leave and stay left. I went back over and over again in spite of the verbal putdowns and intimidating power trips. I got help to strengthen myself from the inside out. I have filed for divorce. But now I am in a new relationship with someone who also is controlling. I am too. I see what an addict I am to the core even if I have been clean and sober for so long. I give myself away because I am so needy. I must get into recovery. I admit I am powerless and my life is unmanageable in this area too. the road is narrowing. I want my life back. I am not willing to give up this new relationship however. But I am willing to practice limit setting and work on being there for me instead of turning to her for reassurance and attention that I crave. For the first time I understand what mirroring means. I see in her behaviors my own. It is scary. I feel like I am beginning to get honest with myself. the feelings are unbearable though when I feel disconnected or ignored. I want to be a whole person.
Thanks for this opportunity to share.

[isabel]

I am 26 and married for 5 years to a wonderful man.and one day in Nov. 2005 ,I met this man on my morning bus ride to work,and I daringly made "friends" with him.he lives justa few apartments in the same street where i live.he is 33,single,hockey player and sous chef is his day job.for the whole half a yearI 've known him,he tried so many times to get rid of me,because he wanted to be alone and left alone.and thinks of the whole thing is wrong.(which i admit)the first time we did it was in december,andafter that he did'nt want to see me again.he told me its wrong and he wants to settle down with someone right one day when he finds the right one.in february,i found out i was pregnant,and in march I was thinking it could be his,so i cameover talked to him about it,and he cooperates and in fact wanted the baby as long as i make him a part of it.he asked me many things like what i am going to do if it is his?and am i goingto tell my husband.?a few days later i had a miscarriage and I phoned him,and he was so upset andhe told me he doesnt want to talkto me ever again.I wrote him a letter three weeks after that i was devasted with the miscarriage and him not wanting to do with me but i have moved on,and that I was moving far away,and that I was clarifying my thoughts when i told him" I hated everything about him" which is not true and that the fact it is "I have loved him the whole time".and that i wanted to see him for oldtime'ssake.and i called him,and he called me back right away,and we met a few days later and planned a date which happened tonight ,my last night in this State/Province,and a few minutes later i was there in his apartment he was kicking me out and he told me he didnt want to see me again"so I begged to stay and asked for a kiss.and he said he will never change his mind.he said no.and he gave me last 10 minutesto say what i want tosay and if i dont leave his house he will carry me out the door.so I said,i justwant to kiss you and "all that stuff" (another word phrase i like to do to him that is sexual?)sohe was silent for a short while ,the he replied,"okay ,let's go ".so the wholetimei have known him,and i have noticed his way of devastation when something unpleasant happens to him,like hope of being a father or someone like me going away apparently I said " I'm going away because of him"....is it just my delusion if I think that he is actually sad that I am leaving far away?the fact that he mentioned it in a soft voice tonight that"so you 're leaving at 3 am?that sucks."I can write a very beautiful forbidden lovestory about this based on all the facts.for now please tell me what you think about this situation.

[Sith]

I haven't had time to read this whole thread, but I want to thank Journeygal for posting the Obsessive Love Wheel.

Every aspect of Phase 2 and 3 applies to me. Exactly. The woman in my life hasn't left yet, but she is definitely pulling back. I hope it's not to late for me. I'm checking into a rehab clinic tomorrow to try to get a handle on my alcoholism, so we'll be out of touch for a while. Hopefully I can deal with my obsession at the same time. Thanks again

[Ayers1995]

If you are in the beginning of this wheel.... you find yourself attracted to this person and wanting to be obsessed... how do you keep from falling deeper into this whole obsession wheel?

How do you stop it???

[Deelight]

Hi Journey Gal,

Thanks so much for that post. I made the grave mistake of getting involved with someone in early recovery (and I was in even earlier recovery). When I finally cleaned up my act I realized how sick he was and definately falls under the obsessive catagory. I became his Higher Power, his new drug. It was so scary, constant phone calls, text messages, emails. Non stop. He even relapsed and blamed it on me. He would manipulate me when I wouldn't talk to him, he would tell me something terrible happened, it was an emergency, but it never was. This has been going on for 3 months now, I even called the police several times. He had to go down to the police station and this still did not work. He followed me home from a meeting, which is scary because I had to move and now he knows my new address. There is a good reason why they say wait at least a year before getting into a relationship in recovery, we really are blinded by people anytime before that. Your post was comforting to read, but also scary. I just hope this doesn't go to anymore extremes and he doesn't turn violent. thanks. D

[Ayers1995]

This is my husband and exactly why I haven't had the strength to leave him. He keeps me so drained...

[Carolyn 93]

I just found this site and stumbled on this thread -- the whole beginning of The Obsessive Relationship is Kevin and me; we met via the internet a year ago and completely changed our lives to pursue a relationship together.

Now, a year into it, the obsessiveness is diminishing and we are left with piecing together what is left beyond our Attraction and Anxious phases only to realize that the man I fell in love with is an alcoholic. I guess that means we are in The Destructive phase and I'm hoping to survive it, relationship intact...

I can see me ending this relationship because now it is work, instead of roses and bliss -- but have a feeling I would quickly fall in love again and the cycle would re-start. Hoping to hold on...

[Tashi]

I was told by friend last night that I was delusional and when I looked up details and then found out about obsessive love,, and then found this site, I thought OMGOSH it is me.
I have totally lost this relationship with man, but cant let go. It hurts so much.
Currently I am going through a divorce, which I can cope with, but to loose this other is so hard to deal with. I feel like I am going through two divorces at the same time. A spend days crying. I dont like what I have done to this friend, and am hopeful that we can at least remain friends. People will I know think I am silly as this friend is an online one only, we have never met, but for 2 years now I have felt the same about this man.
It hurts so much.
When I do talk to him, I feel very uplifted. and full of joy. But when he tells me that he doesnt want to rebuild the relationship, I totally want to break down. I work only a few hours a week, so am often bored and talking in chats with friends from around the world, and I am happy during that time.
Please does anyone have an answer how to cope.
Is a shrink the only way to get help? I dont want to go onto medication.
And I dont want to destroy the relationship any further.

[soberinnyc]

and I will do anything possible to avoid that experience again. At the time I didn't have a sponsor, no one to talk sense into me. It was like a swarm of bees living in my head. I knew it was obsession, but I was powerless to do anything about it.

You are the first person to describe what I went through six years ago. Thank you.

[rcvrygirl]

I found me!! It sure looks ugly in print but at least I have a name for it.
But what if they end up cheating in the end? Did I push them in to it or were
they unworthy of trust in the first place?
I do know one thing...the relationship was sick. Probably on both ends.

[DWR]

Thank you so much everyone for posting here. I can really relate to all that has been shared so far. I knew that I had some codependency issues, but never thought it was "that bad" because I hardly ever act on my urges.

How wrong I was; I have all the obsessive thoughts running through my head.

Right now my head has been spinning out of control over a good friend who is a recovering alcoholic/addict like me. He has come out of a relationship recently, and since then we have been emailing each other more and more. For the past three weeks we have contacted each other daily.

This wouldn't be so bad if my head has not started to think that he finds me attractive, and wants more than a friendship. I find myself feeling extreme jealousy when he is in contact with another woman from our home group, or when he sends emails to three or four women (incl. me). I find myself elated when I get a text msg, or a call from him. For the most part he contacts me, but there is a little "coda monster" that is longing for the next fix lurking inside of me. My fear of appearing insane is probably the only thing that is stopping me from contacting him every day so that I can get closer to him! (which is probably quite insane in the first place.)

I am really happy to find this recovery forum. By sharing what has been going on inside my head with others I feel a bit lighter. I know that my HP has got a higher plan for me, and there is no need for me to think about whether my relationship with my friend will turn into something more than what it is today. I am grateful that I have a close friend that I can confide in, and share my recovery for today. I can laugh, I can go crazy, and I can watch him do the same. If I am obsessing over this man, I miss the wonderful opportunity to do this. It makes so much more sense that HP wants me to enjoy our friendship one day at a time.

[Peter]

Welcome to the forums DWR.

[Butterflywoman]

I just want to point out a program for love addicts called Love Addicts Anonymous. They have a message board too.

Love Addicts Anonymous - Home

[lizw]

No points for high scores there either. (No pun intended)
SLAA stands for Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

Their big book is just fantastic too. I'd also recommend 'Confusing Love with Obession' times a billion. I've read it twice. First when I first started going to SLAA and secondly more recently. It's pretty hard hitting and calls a spade a spade but I'm the type of person who needs that sometimes.

Strangely enough, I think when I started attending SLAA, I thought they'd teach me 'how to love someone in a healthy way' but this hasn't been the case, what I have and continue to learn is 'how to love myself.'

SLAA is also known as the St Augustine Fellowship and one of his famous quotes is 'Thou has made us for thyself, and out hearts are restless until we find our rest in thee.'

[BEBOMEBEBO]

Hello does anyone know any websites where i can talk about Obsessive Relational Progression I would really appreciate it
=)

[Akwarrior]

I am in the midst of an obssession over a man that I met over the internet. When I met him, I was working. I quickly got a dwi driving him home from a bar and lost my job. I became dependent on him for company. I stopped drinking. He would upset me emotionally and I would drink. Then, he would use my drinking against me. It's been weeks since I've seen him, but we spoke just a few days ago. He needed some things of his I had on the computer. I told him he would get them, and he did. I keep emailing him now and he does not respond. Yet, he called me again a few nights ago just to talk to me. I can not stop emailing him. I have only called him once and left one brief voicemail, but the emails are ridiculous. And yet, I feel like I have to keep telling him how I feel. (Knowing he probably does not care.) What is wrong with me? I've only been sober for a few days now and am fighting the desire to drink again as I am in so much pain missing him. Help! Advice! Prayers!

[Akwarrior]

Ok am posting here so I do NOT email him again tonight. I am going to walk away from the computer and watch some mindless television. I need to give him space and let go. I know this. Why is it so hard?

[Algernon]

Awareness is the first step. I am aware that I am obsessive about men and about drinking.

(just had to say it "outloud")