obsessive love

[mumbletop]

Hawkgazer.. thanks.. I will look for that book .

[IAmEnough]

How is everyone doing? Or should I ask, "what are you all doing for yourself"?

I am doing better every day, but it is really a struggle. Some days are good, and some s__k so bad I can't stand it. The nights are the worst. I ALWAYS wake early with lots of anxiety. Last night I dreamt I was kissing my ex-fiancee, that was a bummer to have to wake up to!

I am reading a book on reparenting your inner child and I believe that is helping. Plus I write in my journal constantly, not that is what really helps! (hee hee - I am onsite at a customer's factory and I sneak away from time to time to write when something comes to mind - I think they think I am taking some sort of notes, it is funny :-).

I am trying to replace the "false messages" I tell myself with the "truth" which is I am a great guy and am growing daily in my spiritual walk.

When I get back from this business trip I am going to read the book that Hawkgazer recommended... it should be on my doorstep by now.

[hawkgazer]

hey everybody! I'm doing allright. I'm doing alot of digging, onion peeling as "they" say. This contact with my ex has really brought up some incredible stuff for me, some very crucial memories that needed to be uncovered and faced. Still reading, writing ALOT. I have a journal dedicated to this subject now (yeah, I'm odd). I also just started an AWOL group with some women (attending, not facilitating!!) and we get into gear next monday. I think this is going to be a very important time of my life for growth. have to get to work now. I am so greatful for everyone here.

[journeygal]

You guys are awesome! Keeping a journal definitely helped me uncover destructive patterns I wasn't consciously aware of. You are definitely on the right track!

[IAmEnough]

JG and others,

I may be on the right track as you say, but I still feel like hell warmed over. I can't go more than an hour at the most without thinking about her... I wish I could get her off my mind. How do you do that? Any ideas? Help please!

However, I do have to say that I know this pain I am going through from the breakup with my ex-fiancee has caused more growth in my life than ever before. I am taking a good hard look at myself and have decided to do something about my codependency issues. Reading and doing adult child work and constant journaling is making a difference. Also, I am on a quest to find a closer relationship to my God. I know he is pulling me through this tough time. I need to focus on my spirit and his love.

Blessings to you all...

[journeygal]

Hi Steven,

I find that it helps to do something nice for someone else, to get me out of my own head, so to speak. Call up a friend, spend time with a child, go to the gym and find a workout buddy, something that will give you the opportunity to be there for someone else. I know when I'm feeling miserable the last thing I feel like doing is going out or trying to find the energy to spend time with people but it does help.

[findinganewme]

BOY! I could have used this book 4 years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is truly TRULY self destructive to confuse OBSESSION with LOVE! Sadly, I had to learn that lesson the HARD WAY!

Thanks for info. on book!

[hawkgazer]

Hi there, everyone. I've been "relapsing" on my ex, my old highschool sweetheart that I hadn't heard from for over 5 1/2 years. Oh, boy. And wouldn't you know it, Sunday morning, he called me while he was in a blackout, completely trashed and made an ass of himself...and I being the codie I am was worried all day that I said something wrong when he didn't call back -- he was sleeping it off. he callled later and had no memory of the call. He's still not even sure if he's an alcaholic (I'll keep a seat warm) but in the mean time, I've woken Up AGAIN and realized it's been over a week since I've done any inside work on my love addiction recovery. I've spent all my time on teh phone to Utah instead. Ugh. Here we go again.
Progress, not perfection, right???
One day at a time.
Just for today, I will read another page in my love addiction book, and write one more page in my inventory. Today.
Thanks for being here, everyone.
(((((((( ))))))))))

[somebodysfool]

This is me and I am afraid I am on the 3rd phase of the wheel. I want to make it stop. I am dealing with an AH also but the wheel and the controlling, spying and everything is absolutely ridiculous. No wonder he doesn't want me around. This forum and this post including the Butterfly story have cause an me to have an epiphany. I don't just want to change I need to change I have no choice. I will never have a healthy life if I don't grab it and work for it.
Thanks for the insight!!!

[gforce]

I just cannot give up my obsession.....as hard as I try, I will make a small amount of headway and then back slide beyond where I was a month ago. I have been trying to make Acceptance my catch word of the Month, and I constantly repeat the first part of the Serenity prayer "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change", but I still keep beating my head against the wall, trying to change life and knowing full and well that no matter how bloody I make myself from beating my head into the wall no change will ever come out of it. But still, we continue on......

I am proud to be clean and sober now for 9 months, and hopefully I will begin to accept that beautiful young stud that I cannot change into loving me the way I want him to.........I keep praying for the inspiration and the peace to make it through to the other side.

[sobersurfer04]

Journey, I hope things work out for you dear.I never realized it in the moment but i was on the receiving end of this deal at one time and i would have liked to believe that things were better forever until i read your post. My girlfreind displayed these exact behaviors you talk about from the book, ultimately we ended up getting back toghether after about a four month break up. She rented cars to stalk me had sexual relations with people i knew to hurt me,but would not give up her quest to get me back. then when i made the decision to try and make it work again we found out that she was prgnant with twins (which are mine by the way) and things have been good ever since , but now the question arises will thigs stay this way? Atleast because of you i can look for this behavior in the future and get help if needed accordingly. thank you much.

[findinganewme]

I *too* suffer from obsessive love symdrome (lol) ..... actually, not so funny!

I *never, ever* realized that after close to a 4-year live-together relationship was no more than an OBSESSION! Perhaps that isn't completely true, as I do care for him VERY MUCH to this day! Having said that, however, I learned (after close to 8 months that it was purely just an obsession ...... on my part). He had been honest with me from day one ...... stating that he can not and will not EVER love me or be the man I need or deserve. Did I walk away ....... did I see the signs ..... did I think I could change him and *make him love me?* That's affirmative to all! What I didn't realize I was getting myself into was a very dangerous, confusing and highly volatile relationship. You see, he was/is an alcoholic ....... and passed on his debilitating and self-destructive to *ME*! I don't blame him (at least not entirely) ....... because I am not 20, 30, or 40 (just a wee bit more than 40) ....... I'm a grown a** woman and should have just walked away! I didn't! I thought I *loved* him ...... but after years of drugging and drinking, it occurred to me one day that he was sending me mixed signals. YEAH, SURE ...... he'd *love* me when he was drunk ...... hence, I thought it was TRUE LOVE! NOT! It took having almost lost my mind and a raging fit while in a drunken stupor to finally LOSE it and move out. Because he was also a womanizer (sp?) I was humiliated, degraded, and disrespected while out in public. Did that make me leave him? NOPE!

Although I, too, became an alcoholic and drug user, I thought I just COULDN'T live without him. I used to try to rationalize it ....... I used to use his wonderful qualities (the few that I finally realized were there) to justify why he was the way he was/is!

Without further boring anyone, I learned that you CANNOT change an alcoholic unless they reach out for help. You cannot FORCE someone to love you (although in retrospect that's EXACTLY what I was doing ....... forcing something that just wasn't there or he wasn't willing to commit or give in exchange!) Sure, it was great while drunk and high ...... but, ask yourself ....... is that *REAL*???? I learned, the hard way, after many months of isolation, that there was NOTHING REAL about this relationship ...... not even *friendship!* It was all fogged or twisted by booze and drugs.

I have seen him now just a few times within just the last 2 weeks; but it is strictly *friends* and kept to a minimum. It is now LIFE or DEATH ...... for me! If I go back, I DIE ...... no doubt about it whatsoever! He continues to live his normal alcoholic life. It saddens and hurts, but I cannot allow it to CONSUME ME! It did once; and I almost did not make it out ALIVE!

I have said that the toughest addiction I have had to handle/fight against is my addiction to LOVE. Unless the feelings and respect are reciprocated and one continues to INSIST this person MUST love me ....... then, that's an OBSESSION! Not healthy and very deadly.

Now, I don't want to discourage you since you have two little blessings on the way. They need you; and from what I read between the lines, I think you'll be a great father. No one can say whether things will stay this way or not; and God knows I am not in a position to give advice (didn't even listen to my own). Just for the greatest gift in life (your 2-b-born twins), keep Journey's post in the back of your mind and if you see the *signs* arise; get help. Primarily for your new babies to come.

I don't know that I've helped ....... forgive me if I sound negative ...... for that is NOT my intention. It just helps to share one's story with someone that is going through a similar one. I was in it for 4 years, this month, without realizing the damage it was doing to *ME*!

Wishing you luck and ooooooooooh so many blessings with the babies on the way! They truly are a blessing. You never know ....... now this is only an observation, as I am NOT an expert nor am I in a position to probably tell you this; however, I was never into drugs or drinking while pregnant; but I *WILL* tell you that being pregnant (twice) and raising my girls (they are now teenagers) was the BEST TIME OF MY LIFE! I was a stay-at-home mother and loved EVERY MINUTE of it. Who nows, maybe she will change once she gives birth (or well before it ...... especially when she feels the sweeties move inside her for the first time).

OK, I'll stop rambling! Forgive me ....... I tend to go on and on!

Wishing you the best!

Much love,
Maria

[IAmEnough]

Maria,

Thank you for your post. I, like you was in a relationship for 4 years. I only see now that she never had any interest in trying. She only wanted to receive and never give. It has been 5 weeks since we broke up.

This is the hardest thing to do in my life. I am working on me now and it is rough. I really want to run out and find another partner to "complete me". But I know that I can not be in another codependant relationship. IT WILL KILL ME! Relationships are like a drug to me! They are an addiction of the worst kind. But I am doing all I can for myself now. Attending Al-Anon and CODA meetings and reading and journaling.

Hawkgazer, I am glad to hear you are working on yourself again. I hope you keep at at.

Everyone reading, I am working on an Adult Child book right now that is absolutuly wonderful! I will post comments when I finish and see some results.

I love you all... let's keep each other in our prayers. WE CAN RECOVER FROM THIS ADDICTION TOGETHER!

Blessings,

[IAmEnough]

Where is the butterfly story? That sounds like something too good to miss.

[scribbler]

where (or what) can you do to get help for this problem??? al anon??? or something else i dont know about, besides therapy, i already do that!!!! its so great what you all said, and it gives me peace of mind as my boyfriend i'm sure is about to commit me!!! lol, but serious, i've never had these behaviors before, but now i do so where or what can i do??????

[scribbler]

what is a coda meeting??? and what is an "ah" or "acoa"???? i see all these jargons everywhere and am just lost on what it is!!!!

[IAmEnough]

Scribbler,

CODA is an acronym for Codependents Anonymous. It is for people who base their lives and self worth on other people, not themselves. I love the meeting! It is a perfect fit for me as my only addition is love. If you have one in your area I strongly suggest you check it out. Mine is more than an hour away, so I don't go all that often. I do go to my Al-Anon meetings on a weekly basis since it is right here in town. Al-Anon is helpful, but not as helpful as CODA meetings. But I need to say that everyone is different, depending on your family history and current addictions.

I am reading a fantastic book (there is a lot to read out there). I will respond with the title later. Some people may make light of reading saying that "you need to do the work, not read". But reading is a start to doing the work.

Awareness is the first step my friend. Congrats on taking the first step.

Blessings,

[journeygal]

Scribbler, welcome!

I agree that CODA meetings are a great way to address relationship addiction issues. Give one a try!

Steven, hush! I have gained a lot of insight and a lot of my work has involved reading recovery books. Can't wait to hear the title of the one you're reading now.

Hugs,
JG

[IAmEnough]

JG and others,

The book is "Healing Your Aloneness - Finding Love and Wholeness Through Your Inner Child" By Erika J. Chopich and Margaret Paul. I really think it is helping. I like the stuff from John Bradshaw as well, but this book seems to really be a good fit. I have another from the Author - "Inner Bonding". I am reading that one next. It takes awhile for me to read a book as I spend a lot of time rereading, underlining, and writing in the margins. I recommend this book to anyone who continually tells themselves negative messages.

JG, back to the subject of reading recovery books. I was just talking with my sister tonight about the subject (the only other person in my family in recovery from codependency, and a therapist to boot)... BESIDES nurturing your spirit with the content of the book, I feel like just taking the step to purchase and read the book reaffirms my responsibility to my recovery. For me, taking responsibility for my happiness/sadness instead of expecting others to do it is key.

Much love,

[hawkgazer]

Hi Y'all, just need to check in and get honest - I haven't been doing any of my reading, and I've been pretty miserable for teh most part. The only reason i haven't called him in the last couple of days is cuz I have been detoxing from nicotine and caffeinne and I've felt like Heck-warmed-over and I've been sleeping alot. need to get back into the swing of things - it's so scary how fast it gets so bad again. It really is so much like my drugging and drinking, seriously. Every time I "pick up", it's faster, worse, more mental torture, more obsession, and I have more expectations with fewer results. I'm sick of myself before I even bein, and ashamed of my actions before they have ahppened yet cannot reverse them. UGH!
deep breath. Like I always tell my daughter...breathe the monsters out!

thanks...

[IAmEnough]

Hawkgazer, We all "fall off the wagon" regarding love. I just got back from a business trip and I feel like hell as well. I can't believe I was doing so well, and now all I can think about is her. So, I guess my point is well all struggle.... don't be so hard on yourself. Just take your recovery one day at a time.

Shalom,

[utopia]

i wonder if theres a link with travelling and love addiction hiccups. whenever i travel i really feel the lonelys. maybe its being so close to people and yet still so far.

[mumbletop]

How is everyone doing? You have all been in my thoughts but I've been too much of a lazy bum to respond until now. Haven't been doing much except being miserable and feeling sorry for myself, and who wants to hear about whining? I'm much more inspired by you all.

Just wanted you to know y'all are in my prayers.

[dstar]

I am trying to figure out if I am obsessive or just lost. My b\a has been sober for over a year. I found out when he was in rehab that there were other women. He is my best friend and I have stood beside him though all of the ups and downs. He is going through a quite faze right now and I am trying to understand. My biggest problem is being insercure. My heart falls every time the phone rings and a female is on the other end or a female comes up to talk to him. I don't act jealous in front of him what good does it do to tell someone you believe in them then turn around and say I don't trust you.. He is very good to me, even being drunk he was good to me. He might have been catty to me a time or two but he always apologized. I know that it is easier to for them to talk to their sponser or other Alcoholics but is it wrong for wanting him to talk to me? There is so much to learn about the disease and what they go through and why they end up where they do. I would rather walk away from him than be a problem to him.. Do they all withdrawl from time to time? To me it is feeling lonely or missing him when he is right beside me that is what is hurting me the most. Maybe I am just being pathetic anymore I am not sure what I am.

[Gabe]

Dstar, you're not being pathetic.
You have trust issues, that's normal when someone has cheated on you.
And there is nothing wrong with wanting him to talk to you.
Maybe he's just not ready yet, or he feels more comfortable sharing that with other alcoholics.
All of this takes a lot of time to work out.
Coming here so you have a place to talk about it was a good idea.
Have you thought about face to face meetings too?
It might help to meet other people dealing with the same issues.