obsessive love

[ihelpkids]

Journeygal,

Thank you for your reply.

But as long as you're married and your friend is engaged, it is not possible for anyone to have a happy, healthy relationship.

You can break your obsession with her, but you need to recognize and accept that you have a problem that you need to address. Eventually your behavior will just drive her away and cause problems in both relationships. It may be necessary to break off contact with her for a while until you have a better handle on your feelings.

I don't know exactly why, but this part (above) of your response makes me feel really sad. I wish I could get a better handle on how I feel. In most areas of my life I'm a pretty rational and healthy guy. It's like I have an incredible void, or "heart of darkness", that I don't dare go into. While I have been able to identify this in therapy, I don't seem to have any better control of it than when I was a teenager.

But we all should strive to have loving, healthy relationships with ourselves as well as others.

While there are things I definitely like about myself, I don't have any emotional understanding of loving myself. To be honest, I don't really have much of a concept of me (i.e. what is intrinsically good and lovable). I do know how to be good to someone I love, but I don't have any any understanding of why anyone would be attracted to me if I don't continually do good things for them. This woman (not my wife) is always kind to me and is unconditionally accepting of me. I've not had that before, so I keep hoping that she will eventually fall in love with me. I know it sounds dumb and I can see that it is irrational and kind of pathetic, but it's all I've got right now (at least that's what I think).

Again, thank you for taking the time to respond to me, I truly appreciate it.

[Scorpio007]

ihelpkids... I sent you a PM>

[ihelpkids]

Scorpio,

Thank you for your PM. While I'm definitely doing better than this weekend, I still struggle with my intense longing for this other woman. This weekend was an emotional relapse. Fortunately, or unfortunately (depending upon how you look at it), my relpases center around codependency issues. For me, my drinking experiences were pretty nightmarish, so I truly have no desire to drink. I know that my codependent issues played a central part in my turning to alcohol several years ago, but I really don't want to have anything to do with drinking.

The problem is, my codependency problems certainly have a negative impact on the quality of my life. I find myself just wanting to do things with her, rather than attending to work responsibilities.

My relationship with my wife is actually pretty stable at this point; meaning that we get along well, enjoy each other's company, and care for each other. My biggest difficulty lies in the fact that I have no faith that my wife would be there for me during a time of crisis/need. She has let me down and acted fairly mean during the 2 or 3 major crisis' in my life with her. I don't feel mad about it anymore. I've actually worked pretty hard at working through those feelings in therapy. Mostly, it's pretty depressing for me to realize that I probably can't count on her during a time of need.

[hoosiergirl]

I like the wheel. I am 35, ACOA and I have just now set a boundary with my dad who is a violent alocoholic addict. I saw that he was wanting to do things because it made him feel better, not for love... Then it clicked. That is my life in a nutshell. I am the fix in each failed relationship that I have. They want me there when it makes them feel good, but when I have a need, I am selfish and eventually the relationship dies. I never really looked at it that way until now. I am so thrilled with the "love" that I don't realize that it is just feeding a need... not real.
Thank you for your insight.
hoosier

[mumbletop]

Hi, I'm new here, but I just wanted to say thanks to you all for writing all this. I will write more later, but I see myself in many, many of these posts, and I desperately need some help. WIll tell the whole story later, and pray for some responses!

[mumbletop]

OK. I think I am ready to write this now. I see myself in so many of these posts as I have said before. I don't want to ruin the relationship I am in AGAIN. So I need some tips on how to stop these behaviors. But first, my story...
I met my SO online in April 2002. We would IM for hours every night. I would freak out if I didn't hear from him. By June, we were taking turns driving the 350 miles between us on the weekends, and by August he had moved here. By October we were expecting a child, and his then 11 year old daughter had come to live with us. I have 4 other children of my own. We bought a house, and moved 60 miles from the city, to a town where neither of us knew anyone. I thought it was great because I would have him all to myself. ( I didn't realize until recently how controlling this was).
Life went on for a couple of years, we had a new baby, and I thought life was wonderful. My man was attentive, affectionate, and always put me first. But I always needed to know where he was, who he was talking to , etc. etc.
Our kids didn't really get along, but I thought they were dealing with it. I was working full time, driving an hour and a half each way, 6 days a week, and taking care of a newborn when I was home. I know I was neglecting the SO. We were both under alot of stress. He started leaving at night when I was upstairs with the baby, and not telling me. Maybe this is a control thing, but I thought it was very rude to not at least say " Hey Babe, I'm going out for a while", and he would do it every night- I was annoyed. One afternoon we got into a huge fight, and I accused him of all sorts of things he must have been doing on those evenings out. I screamed and yelled and said alot of horrible things that I knew weren't true. The next couple of weeks were very "chilly" then one weekend I took all the kids to my Mom's , and while we were gone he packed up and left.
I was devastated. For the next 6 months I cried, begged , pleaded, threatened, and tried to bargain my way back into his life. I thought I was losing my mind, I couldn't eat, sleep, my every thought was of him. I cried constantly. Sometimes I would go over and we would end up in bed, and I would think , he wants to get back together, but he would always make sure to clarify that he didn't. He said he didn't love me anymore. When he told me he was seeing someone else, I went ballistic. I would drive by his house, call him constantly..etc. Then someone gave me the book " The Co-dependent's Guide to the 12 steps", and I started to step back from the relationship. I convinced myself that I had to let go for my own sanity, and I told him so. One week later, he had dumped the GF , and said he wanted to get back together and try to work things out. He said he still didn't think he loved me anymore, but he was willing to work on it. He has not moved back in, because he wants his space, and that's ok with me.
But...... maybe because he no longer says "I love you" ... I am ridden with anxiety that he will leave, or that he is cheating on me. I see him every day after work, spend evenings with him several times a week, but when I'm not in constant contact with him, I obsess. I hack into his email, and know that he has a close female friend that he plays online pool with, and that she calls him frequently. I also know that she is married, knows about me, and that there is no suspicious content in her messages. They have a conspiracy going to keep me from knowing that they talk on the phone, and I understand why, but it still bothers me to the extent that I want to call her and say something. Help!!!! I don't want to lose him again, but I also want to learn how to be OK if I do. What can I do to stop the obsessive thoughts and behaviors that are ruining my life and taking my sanity!

Again, thank you all for being brave enough to share your stories. It helps to know that I am not alone.

[IAmEnough]

Wow, wow, wow! First time here, but this forum has got to be my home now! I usually only frequent the Adult Child forum but after asking about CODA there I was told to check this out.

THIS IS ME! THIS IS WHO I AM! I AM A MAN AND I AM A RELATIONSHIP JUNKIE! Whew, there I said it. Because my mother did not show love, I need the love of another woman at whatever cost it is to me.

I need to break off my current relationship, but the last time I tried it almost killed me. It is that bad. Trust me, I am doing therapy, and my nightstand is piled high with codependancy books. But it comes down to I really NEED my GF. Lord knows that I wish I didn't because I keep praying for it.

[Gabe]

It has been said...and said well...
"We don't need other people to completeus. We need other people to complimentus."
Look at your username.
"I am enough".
Focus on that for a bit.
Once we are enough, by and of ourselves, we grow into a place where our relationships with others can enrich our lives without being our primary focus.

[IAmEnough]

Okay.... now my past.... I was raised in a non-loving family with an abusive mother. I am 41, in great shape, successful, but never happy unless I have a "special someone". The lady that I am dating (we are in the process of breaking up) is like a drug to me. We dated 4 years , were engaged but broke up a few times in between. She has great qualities, but comes from an alcoholic family like I do and is a "borderline" alcholic. You know... just needs 1 beer or glass of wine when she gets home which doesn't seem like a big deal to me, except she admits that she NEEDS it or else. She also has other tendencies that seem a bit unhealthy, but things that I can live with. I love this woman more than any other woman ever. Period! We broke up for last September and it almost killed me (really). I am so codependant it is not funny. Then about 3 months later we decided to try again and it was great. We both were commited to each other and decided to really make it work and it did and still is great.

Then about 3 months ago my daughter (who loves my GF and wants us to marry) told her youth leader at church and me that my GF's son sexually abused her some time in the 4 years we were dating. He is now 17 and my daughter is now almost 15. My GF and I don't know when it happend. For this reason we are keeping the children apart for now. My daughter is seeing two therapists and talks to her church youth leader alot. So between that and me supporting and loving her, she is growing, but slowly. My GF's son denies it. My daughter still wants us to get married, but I think it would be rough since the boy denies what happened. If he would admit it, then we could all get help and maybe move forward. At least my therapist says there is hope.

Anyway, my GF and I love each other but can see the writing on the wall. Both of us have been divorced for a long time and would like a partner and are really in love and seem to be a good couple for the most part.

What I am saying is that I know when we do break up (which is going to happen soon I suspect) I am going to really get hit hard. I did the last time we broke up when I wasn't sure about commiting to marriage. I did a lot of therapy and am not afraid of commitment now.

Anyway, I am so afraid of what is comming up. I need strength from all of you. It is going to be very rough seas...

[journeygal]

Hi Steven,

I'm glad you both are standing behind your daughter, even though your GF's son denies what happened.

I'm sorry that things aren't working out. I think it's especially hard to breakup with someone when it's hard to understand why things aren't working out, not to mention having the whole relationship junkie stuff in the mix. But as a relationship junkie in recovery, I can tell you that life does get better and that you will survive whatever happens. It's great that you are going to therapy and have recognized you have this problem. Awareness will help you heal and develop healthier ways of relating to others.

We'll be here to support you whenever you need us.

Hugs,
JG

[Captain Morgan]

Genesis 29
1Then Jacob went on his journey, and came into the land of the people of the east.

2And he looked, and behold a well in the field, and, lo, there were three flocks of sheep lying by it; for out of that well they watered the flocks: and a great stone was upon the well's mouth.

3And thither were all the flocks gathered: and they rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the sheep, and put the stone again upon the well's mouth in his place.

4And Jacob said unto them, My brethren, whence be ye? And they said, Of Haran are we.

5And he said unto them, Know ye Laban the son of Nahor? And they said, We know him.

6And he said unto them, Is he well? And they said, He is well: and, behold, Rachel his daughter cometh with the sheep.

7And he said, Lo, it is yet high day, neither is it time that the cattle should be gathered together: water ye the sheep, and go and feed them.

8And they said, We cannot, until all the flocks be gathered together, and till they roll the stone from the well's mouth; then we water the sheep.

9And while he yet spake with them, Rachel came with her father's sheep; for she kept them.

10And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, that Jacob went near, and rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother.

11And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept.

12And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father's brother, and that he was Rebekah's son: and she ran and told her father.

13And it came to pass, when Laban heard the tidings of Jacob his sister's son, that he ran to meet him, and embraced him, and kissed him, and brought him to his house. And he told Laban all these things.

14And Laban said to him, Surely thou art my bone and my flesh. And he abode with him the space of a month.

15And Laban said unto Jacob, Because thou art my brother, shouldest thou therefore serve me for nought? tell me, what shall thy wages be?

16And Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel.

17Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured.

18And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter.

19And Laban said, It is better that I give her to thee, than that I should give her to another man: abide with me.

20And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.

21And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.

22And Laban gathered together all the men of the place, and made a feast.

23And it came to pass in the evening, that he took Leah his daughter, and brought her to him; and he went in unto her.

24And Laban gave unto his daughter Leah Zilpah his maid for an handmaid.

25And it came to pass, that in the morning, behold, it was Leah: and he said to Laban, What is this thou hast done unto me? did not I serve with thee for Rachel? wherefore then hast thou beguiled me?

26And Laban said, It must not be so done in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn.

27Fulfil her week, and we will give thee this also for the service which thou shalt serve with me yet seven other years.

28And Jacob did so, and fulfilled her week: and he gave him Rachel his daughter to wife also.

29And Laban gave to Rachel his daughter Bilhah his handmaid to be her maid.

30And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years.

31And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren.

32And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.

33And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon.

34And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi.

35And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing.

[IAmEnough]

Thanks JG, I will let you all know how things progress. I know it is going to hit me hard when it happens.

It's funny how we move along on our Journey. I am 41 and just realized less than 8 months ago that I have an ACOA background. I always thought that I just had low self esteem, although no one would ever suspect that (I am a very fine actor when it comes to my insecurities). Then after talking to someone at my Alanon meeting I heard about CODA. This codependancy stuff is exactly me. Just knowing my history and patterns makes life so much more bearable now. Facing it and owning it makes the difference. I have the disease, but the disease is not me. I am me. And that is enough :-)

Blessings,

[mumbletop]

OOPs. I know what u r going through IAM Enough. I just broke up with my boyfriend AGAIN, and I thought it would kill me, but you know what? I'm alright. I still have the obsessive thought patterns but they aren't killing me. What I'm having the most trouble with is the jealousy. I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him either!! I'm having all these crazy thoughts and ideas about how to keep other women away from him. Help!!!! I broke up with him, I really don't think I want him back, but this is driving me insane!

[IAmEnough]

Mumbletop, Gabe, JG and everyone else,

As helpless as our situation is right now, I really love this woman. I have for 4 years now. We haven't broken up yet, but it will be soon. I can feel myself starting to freak out. I know healthy people also feel this way, but my relationship junkie stuff is upping the ante. We have broken up a couple times before and it was bad.... REALLY BAD for me. I know that I am going to go through the same thing again.

Why is it when I have her in my life all is fine, and the minute I think I am losing her I can't seem to think straight? Why do I give her (or anyone) so much damn power? I hate this! I feel my scared inner child curling up in a ball and weeping himself to sleep. I have so much to live for... why can't I just see that? My ACOA past is a part of me, but it IS'NT me! I wish I could shake this relationship junkie stuff!

Trust me, when I see my GF with another man some day, it will break my heart. I can't even bear to think about it now.

[journeygal]

((((((Steven))))))

You're right, your ACOA past isn't you but your inner child doesn't know that. It would be so much easier if we could just reason with them but unfortunately it's not that simple.

Right now, try to live in the day, in the moment. We can't enjoy today if we're worried about what might happen tomorrow or the pain that may come next week.

I've done a lot of work on my ACOA past and there are many different ways to overcome our childhood. I've found the more that I honor myself, acknowledge and accept my memories, my experiences, and my hurts, the less power they have over me. And once the past released its hold on me, I was able to start dealing with my present experiences like an adult instead of a hurt, scared child.

Your life won't end if/when you and your GF break up. You will move on and you and your inner child will be ok.

Hugs,
JG

[IAmEnough]

Smiling...

[hawkgazer]

I have nothing unique to say - I could "ditto" all the posts...
It's frightening to see how far I've progressed, and to look at myself from the outside and realize just how bad this has gotten. He is completely in love with his wife, who is divorcing him. He is depressed, suicidal. He is only 4 months sober. Yes, he may have pursued me at first, but that was months ago when he was just coming out of the cloud...and I'm so terribly ashamed of myself for doing this, for getting involved with someone so "new" even though I knew better. He comes to me for a warm hand to hold, a comforting ear, a sympathetic friend. We haven't kissed in months. And yet I dream about him every night, the phone rings and i jump -- and if it's him on the caller-id, I'm elated. We spend all of 2 minutes on the phone, and what do I have to say? nothing. because I'm so worried about saying just teh right thing, being supportive and not pushy, being a good friend...
ugh. It's so scary. I need to know how to stop this, yet the urges are SO strong. even as I type and watch myself do all this, I want to call. I keep the actual behavior under wraps (for now) but the thoughts are all-consuming, and it really makes my life unmanagable.
speaking of which, I really have to get some work done instead of obsessing over my obsession.
thanks...

[IAmEnough]

Hawkgazer, Mumbletop and anyone else who just broke up with a loved one…. how are you doing? I have been thinking about you. It has been almost 2 weeks for me since my GF called it quits and it is almost unbearable. I am maintaining, but it is not easy. This is what I am doing - attending my Al-Alon meetings, reading about codependency (I am really trying to address it this time, the last time we broke up and got back together I basically quit working on me since I felt so good), journaling my thoughts, hopes, and positive affirmations, exercising, praying, and talking positive to myself as often as I can.

I have never had a problem with drugs or alcohol, but trust me…. my ex-GF is like the most intoxicating drug in the world to me. Coming off of it is a real bearcat, but like any drug, I am doing it one step at a time.

The real bummer is that not many people can relate to how I feel. Sure, they have lost loves, but being codependent is way different. That is why I am asking for ideas from all of you here.

[journeygal]

Hi Steven and Hawkgazer,

When I first started my journey into recovery from love addiction, like you guys I learned to control the obsessive behavior, but keeping the thoughts at bay was a completely different story.

I apologize (not really) if this gets too spiritual, but my healing came when I started on a quest to find my faith. I wanted to be filled with spiritual love, guidance, and acceptance. I wanted to turn my life over to a greater being. I wanted to love myself and accept my unique place in this universe. I wanted to stop putting and valuing others above myself. I wanted to look in the mirror and love the person looking back at me.

That journey led me to self-love, acceptance, and peace. I no longer have obsessive thoughts over other people. I no longer feel I need a relationship or another person to make me whole. I am already whole and I alone am responsible for my own happiness. It's been a very long and hard struggle, but I wasn't willing to give up until I found peace.

Consider searching for your higher being.

Hugs,
JG

[IAmEnough]

JG, I have a fairly strong faith in my HP. But I think what I struggle with is letting go and letting my HP be in charge of my hurt. I feel alone and don't feel like talking to my HP. I guess I just need to spend more time in prayer.

Any ideas?

[journeygal]

I've found that instead of letting him be in charge of bits and pieces of my life, I just turned it all over. Turns out I sucked at taking care of myself!

You should never feel alone when talking to your HP. That's the one person who accepts us as we are, warts and all. I feel less alone when I can feel free to be myself, experience my hurts, let go of my anxieties, and share my pain. I think spending more time in prayer is a great idea. Spending time where you feel close to your HP is also good.

[Confused38]

I was working towards getting over my ex boyfriend ... had lost all hope that we would get back together again. And then he called a couple weeks ago, saying that he missed me, etc. ... he even sounded as though he was crying. He said he would call again, but hasn't. And, of course, I'm in limbo. Part of me says not to wait on him; the other part can't live without him.

This has been an ongoing problem ... he never seems to have any time for me. And I'm convinced that there has been another woman, while all along he has told me that he doesn't have time for another woman. I don't know if I'm demanding too much of his time ... a couple phone calls a week and three to four hours of "together" time on his days off ... or if I'm right in wanting a man who is available to me. I don't know what "normal" is, but it seems to me that two people would want to spend SOME time together if they are, in fact, in a relationship. I also realize that I have trust issues. Almost every man I've been involved with, I've been convinced that he was messing around on me ... there has only been one man who I was intimately involved with that I'm sure didn't, and that was while I was in my early 20s. It seems that these trust issues I have get worse with age, as well.

I've been dating other men, but no one takes his place. I think of him daily. I miss him so much. I feel as though I'm going out of my mind.

[hawkgazer]

Hi everybody, "checking in" - I got a book that's been really helpful so far in getting me to see the reality of just how far I have progressed. It's called "addiction to Love" by Susan Peabody. I'm trying to read it in order, even though I want to skip right to the recovery section (let's get right to the fix-it part, ya know?!) -- but just by looking at the table of contents I am amazed...it is my biography.
I's written in a way I can understand, structured and in segments so I can put it down frequently, but also by a real person not all medical sounding or super-heady.
Anyway, it's helping me get hoinest, and at least so far be more AWARE of what I'm doing, what my motives are.
Thank-you, Journey. I think in my eagerness to get "well", I skipped right over the 3rd step as applying it to this situation. it's so easy to forget these things sometimes.
I'm so grateful for these message boards, and everyone here.
My roommate, who also feels she has serious issues like these, suggested we go to an slaa meeeting, but I'm nervous about it. I've heard they're risky, like a "meat market". Any experience with that out there? I feel most comfortable here for now, completely anonymous, wiht no-one leering at me.
I have a long way to go. But, I know it's do-able. One day at a time.

[IAmEnough]

Hawkgazer, let us know what you think after finishing the book. I for one am really interested in any resources I can find!

[mumbletop]

Iam Enough, thank you for your concern and for thinking about us all. Outwardly I am fine.. inwardly I can't stop thinking about the ex. It's our baby's birthday today and he has invited us over for dinner, and what a hell of atime I am having just thinking about that. All kinds of crazy stuff.. like how I can seduce him and spend the night.. how to make the girl thats been hanging out with him but is "just a friend" leave him alone...
I haven't attended any COda meetings or anything, guess I should look for some help somewhere.
I really feel for you IamEnough, but don't know what advice to give because I am still trying to cope myself. I am here though if you want to talk. I got a window popping up that said I had an IM from you, but can't get it to open.. let me go work on that..