obsessive love

[CoDepFree]

Can anyone just post some quick tips that they can throw out for folks new into this? Not to say that its not a process and stuff - but maybe some primer points that can start us into thinking about recovery from obsessive love? my big main one is how not to have the other person take so much mental space in my day-
thanks!

[Tiro]

am pretty new to this myself too, but what helps me is I have started doing things I enjoy again, like exercising and reading.

I have also recommited myself to my work, which has been terribly neglected this year because of devoting too much time to one person.

It was hard too focus at first but I dug in and kept going through the motions until my interest started to rekindle.

I still think about this person a lot.....God knows, but at least now I have other things to give me some respite.

If the thoughts become too powerful or too painful or when the temptation to call becomes unbearable I call a friend in the programme instead.

Hang in there ok.We are hanging with ya.

[journeygal]

Hi Codepfree,

Start with something small. For instance, if you tend to call him a lot during the day, cut back on the calls for a while. It will be hard at first but eventually it will become easier. Once you've mastered that, target something else, like not asking him where he's going or what he's doing. And take it from there.

Also find some new interests (or old ones) as Tiro suggested.

You can do this!

[CoDepFree]

hi jg and tiro!!!
thanks so much -- yes ---- i've actually started yesterday and went to the gym, signed up for a class --- and i do feel much, much better -- in a period of 2 days -- i've been able to think about myself more -- of course the obsessive thoughts still pop up about "oh if i'm not around -- he'll leave me" but its getting better-
thanks again-

[utopia]

i think i came out of the wheel
cos dont feel obsessive about anyone anymore
if it doesnt workor isnt workingafter ive tried
imove on and let it go

how? well its like the tower from the tarot. my world and realities came crashing down and all my dreams were completely shattered by a brief obsession of late, but from the shattering of my dreams came a clearperspectiveandi havent cravedthe operatic love life since. no obsessions...butam i happy generally, just need hugs sometimes
peace

[CoDepFree]

hi everyone:
just wanted some support from folks out there. i was wondering if folks have been in this situation and wanted to get your input.
i'm getting a bit panicky right now - i'm at work.
me and my SO have been fighting almost every other day for the past 2 weeks and come last sunday - we almost broke up
we talked about it over the phone and it was a long discussion and we decided not to do it.
i know i have obsessive love problems and he occupies a lot of my mental space and i've been trying to wean myself off of him coz he is like a drug to me. he is a recovering Alky/addict - sober for 14 months and active in AA. Anyway -- i've been feeling really insecure as of late thinking that the world has ended and he doesnt like me anymore - we've been fighting so much that he probably feels ill at ease when he's with me. he has said that he's willing to work on it but i am still ill at ease. i feel powerless and bad for nit-picking and criticizing him and just being not the best person.
i dont know if i'm making it up in my head or not but i'm wondering if he is trying to create a space between the two of us . i dont know.my healthy side's telling me that well- you should provide that space and i should find activities to fill my time and leave it to him to find the time to hang out with you. i'm wondering - maybe its a good idea that he hangs out with his fellowhip friends right now as a break or even be by himself to get rest from all our fighting.
but folks -- this is where i need help. i just totally want to call him and ask if everything's allright? apologize profusely and act lame. this is what i want to do in my head but i know i wont coz i know its pathetic sounding but this is what i'm feeling and i'm so ill at ease. just worrying that he doesnt like me and that he'll leave. how does one start over with a person if they've had two weeks of just horrible fighting? i really want this to work out - what have other people done? i feel so...yucky like i've sabotaged the relationship- i may have and we've talked about it but he has said we could still try and work it out -- but how does one handle all the bad recordings going on in my head?
please help - thanks-
codepfree

[journeygal]

(((((CDF))))))

I have totally been where you are and had those conversations where you almost break up, and then for the next few days you're all panicky and scared he's going to leave you anyway.

For the next few days, try to relax and try to resist the urge to call him and ask how he's feeling. Give him that space and take the time to work on you. Read some recovery books, go to a codependent anonymous meeting (I HIGHLY recommend that), write in a journal every time you feel the need to call him, etc. Keep yourself busy and take it moment by moment. The panic will pass soon but you can still keep doing those things to keep yourself and your mind occupied.

This relationship is not the end-all and be-all of your life. If he ever leaves you, you will survive. There should be other things in your life besides him that make you happy and fulfill you. The way to break your obsession is to realize he will never fill all of your needs. No one can. He is just one person and he's human with his own issues. You have to be the one to love yourself, make yourself happy and fill you up inside. He should just be icing on the cake.

What are you passionate about? What is something you've always wanted to do but never got around to it? For years I dreamed of taking a dance class. Finally last year I signed up for one and I LOVED it. It gave me something to focus on, just for me, besides my relationship and it made me happy, independent, and less needy.

So take some deep breaths and do something for yourself tonight.

Hugs,
JG

[CoDepFree]

Dear JG-
I so needed to read that - thank you so much
yes - i am going to my CODA meeting tonight
i will give him some rest from me
one thing that's really helped for other folks out there
is i've come up with a schedule for myself for the rest of the week
things to do until i hit the bed to sleep
it's good to anticipate what i will do from 6-10 pm of my time
by filling it in to get rid of the anxiety of
"what will i do if he doesnt call"
i already have a schedule to fill my time so i dont feel so needy and helpless. i will be going to a meeting (ALANON and CODA) all this week.
you're right JG --- if he leaves me then he does -- i'll go on.
i just hate this panicky feeling -- its so overwhelming.
thanks again- and thanks for the hugs -- i do need it-
codepfree

[New Day]

Thank you for this:

"As I learn and practice more and more, I can say to the one I love: "I love you, I value you, I respect you and I trust that you have or can develop the strength to become all that it is possible for you to become - if I don't get in your way. I love you so much that I can set you free to walk beside me in joy and in sadness. I will share your tears but I will not ask you not to cry. I will respond to your needs. I will care and comfort you, but I will not hold you up when you can walk alone. I will stand ready to be with you in your grief and loneliness but I will not take it away from you. I will strive to listen to your meaning as well as your word, but I shall not always agree. Sometimes I will be angry and when I am, I will try to tell you openly so that I need not resent our differences or feel estranged. I can not always be with you or hear what you say for there are times when I must listen to myself and care for myself, and when that happens I will be as honest with you as I can be."

This is where I am at with my husband. Thank you for such clarity of thought and word.

[hawkgazer]

Originally Posted by bikewench

I have to release this somewhere... and this seems like the right place.

I'm obsessing over a man.

I know where this is heading .... and I know that I'm being willful.


Lord.. Please... don't let me get all messed up again.
Give me peace of mind around this man, and let just enjoy having him in my life without wanting to get in there and manage the direction it is taking.

Please... guide my thinking so that I can keep my motives healthy and beneficial to us both.

I offer myself to you Lord...
To do with me what you will...

Help me to remember that YOU are the most important... and that as long as I keep you in the forefront of my mind... your influence in my life allows me to be happy, joyous and free...

I know I'm jumping in way late here, but I just found this forum and I barely ever get time to come here.
I need to air my obsession.

I have him in my sights, and I know that if i follow that same path, that many people will be hurt, including him, me, at least one close friend, my children, and my husband.
there are no excuses.
God, i need your help, please.
Please remove the obsession for attention.
Please remove the compulsion to work my way into his life.
God, please save me from myself, if not for my sake then for the sake of those I love.
Please God, teach me how to be healthy. Let me be ready to listen.
your will, not mine, be done.

[ButterflyChaser]

Wow!!! I mean really........WOW!!! I fit in right here. I have seen a whole lot of myself in some of ya'll's posts here!! I am a love addict, or addictided to LOVE/being loved, and I will say this......I am going to find some co-dy groups around my area, I need some serious help!! I don't want to live like this anymore!! I want to find my own happiness...ya'll are so brave to talk about this!! You have all made me realize how much HELP i really need!

[CollegeBoy]

Wow, I am so glad I stumbled upon this site
I just got out of a 6th month relationship with the girl I thought was the one. I was pretty sure that we would be together forever. Now, this sucks, so please try to understand my sincerity. 6th months is not a long time, and I am only 20, so I am young but everyone else just says. Its ok, breaking up hurts, you'll get over it. Well I have been suicidal, I have had terrible mental breakdowns and just thinking of her causes my tongue to start shaking terribly. If I can't get her out of my head, it soon progresses until I am shaking all over and I start just bawling my eyes out. It really sucks right now.

However, the reason why we broke up.
Is because, and this really sucks. We were fighting a lot. And there was something I had kept from her. Something that hurt so bad that I couldn't tell her because I knew so much I hurt when it happened to me. I cheated on her with my ex-gf of almost 3 years after dating her for about a month. When it happened, I felt so bad, I called her and I tried to break it off. But she just cried, I said nevermind, I just had a bad day and was being rude. I tried to figure out what to do, but its like doing that with my-ex, showed me how I didn't care about her anymore and how much I care about this girl so much. I somehow convinced myself that to not hurt I needed to just live with it, and bear the pain of it all myself. So that she would never have to feel that pain. (Sidenote, I dated a girl for 3 months we used to hang out with this guy, at about 3 months she broke up with me. She said it was because of school, I really cared about her so I stuck with it. Showed her I was there for her and that things would be good. She could handle school. Then she broke, first week of our relationship I had gone to Florida. She messed around with my best friend, at the time, in about every way possible. They then sat me down about a few days later and insisted that I hear every detail. I hated them both, it has been a long time. But I don't talk to either of them.) So now I had done the same thing! I wish I could express the regret I feel. Every week I would stay awake until about 5a.m. in the morning about 3 times a week, and just wish I could take it back and try to figure out what to do. As I was doing this one night, I finally realized what I was doing was so wrong. Because if I did love her, if we were going to be married, I could never go to the alter with that between us. She was very hurt. And I dropped into severe depression (called her to tell her I was going to kill myself to prove how sorry I was...and I meant it, I know its not good...) as this happened. I had lost her and it killed me. And the thing was it was more the me being "obsessive" than the cheating. She is such an amazing person. She says she can forgive me for what I have done but the relationship just wasn't healthy and though she does love me, she needs to move on. I had thought I was depressed back in highschool but my parents sort of thought I was just dealing with the stresses and since then, I haven't been able to talk to them about it. She helped me call my mom and tell her I was going to finally go see a therapists. I am now going, this thursday for the first time. I thought I just had anxiety problems and depression. Now I found this out, I don't even remember how I found it. I feel like everyone's story of feelings is just identical to mine. I feel like their is such a huge weight off my chest now that I know what was happening. I am so sorry for opressing her like this.
The thing that is so hard now, is did I not truly love her?
Was this all just me making it into some big deal?
I can't stand the thought of her with someone else, with not me. It sucks so much, and being in this college atmosphere means parties and things of the like where hookups are unfortunately not uncommon. This really tweaks me out and gets me freaking out. Everything hurts so bad right now, and I feel like I am just a ball of yarn unraveling. I tried to see the counselor earlier but they still don't have any openings. I found a support group in my area I think I might go to. And I also went to Church last night, something I hadn't done since I had cheated. I just couldn't go back there.
What do you do, how do you focus now.
Things are so hard.
I know this is probably a big mess of words but I am just so confused with were I should take my life. I made her feel like it was bad to hug a friend that was male! Ughh, I am so upset with myself, but I am more scared of losing her. And it hurts so bad to know I will probably only have her in my life as a friend. Any advice so I can sleep tonight?

P.S. This is the first time I have told anybody the whole story besides her, thanks for listening.

[journeygal]

Hi Collegeboy and welcome.

I'm sorry for everything you're going through. Ending relationships is very painful, no matter how healthy or unhealthy they are. I think it's great that you've recognized you may have a problem obsessing over your ex-g/f and counseling is a very good way to deal with those feelings.

Right now don't try to figure out where your life is headed. Concentrate on taking things a day or a moment at a time. Try to focus on yourself and keeping busy with your schoolwork, hanging out with friends, or taking up a new hobby - anything to help keep your mind off of your g/f. You will get through this. Trust me, it does get easier.

Take care and let us know how you're doing!

Hugs,
JG

[CollegeBoy]

Thanks JourneyGal, I think the hardest thing right now is keeping my mind of her and trying to begin to believe, that what we had is over and may never be again. It sucks...

I thought a lot about past relationships, and I think I have pinpointed the origin of this, I also think this is the first time things really went full circle. But it started with the girl that cheated on me. We got back together and I took a mindset that she deserved to tell me everything, to make every insecurity no problem at all, because I deserved that now. Well that relationship totally didn't work, and I even ended it. But the feeling of knowing your destiny and having complete "control" I geuss, over what they would do and didn't do, made it a lot easier to go out on a limb. It was a slight problem with the girl I dated for 3 years after that, but not really. She was stong, but when she broke it off for reasons that didn't seem adequate to me, we kept seeing eachother and talking everyday and messing around when we got together, until it started dying off as the distance between us physically grew. And then I found out she had messed around with one of my good friends from back home. I hit the wall, and though it was about 3-4 months later, I did find this new girl. And I fell for her, not hard, but after about 3 months, I fell very hard. It seems like this is the first time things really went full circle. I hope that is good that I think it has only really really happened once, hopefully I can never do this again and grow mentally and spiritually stronger than that. Its crazy how many signs there have been, I have never really gone more than a few months without dating someone since I was about 16. I just thought I liked being with people, turns out I was slowly falling deeper and deeper into my pit of insecurities. Trying to focus, thanks again!
This really helps!

[pushingmeaway]

Being 20 myself, I think I can relate to you in some ways, while I think we are also coming from two very different sides of the spectrum so it's interesting to hear your side. To make a long story short, I was in a relationship where the guy cheated on me, and I felt the need to cut things off. This happened four years ago, we've been best friends (on and off) ever since. I actually told his parents about his depression and drug habits and he is probably the most important person in my life to me. In my case, I'm not really sure about his true feelings because he has lots of issues talking about them, and he has gone through girl after girl after I ended things with him. I just think it's great of you to admit your wrongs and even though I don't want to fill you with false hope, people do eventually get over things especially if the love is strong enough and you can prove yourself trustworthy over time. Okay, well this post is getting long but just hang in there, keeping yourself busy is probably the best solution to moving on at least partially with your life.

[gladimnotalone]

Woah! I don't even know how I got here... Well I do. My last relationship ended about three weeks ago, nothing to do with me being obsessive (or smothering like I usually do) this time... but, I was pretty cut up about it - and for the amount of time I was with her, I knew something was up. Well, I always knew something was up with me... Anyways, I'll go on and explain.

I'm 20 years old. I'm in my final year of university, and I've been in a relationship for 2 years before when I was doing my a-levels, then a relationship for 1 year and was living with her. These both went wrong due to the fact I was smothering them. I knew I was, but I couldn't help it. I thought I just loved being around people, and were drawn to them. I knew this was some kind of issue, as I've done it in every relationship (including all the little ones inbetween and before I guess).

Anyways, back to the last relationship. It ended because she didn't want a relationship, and she was honest about this and it all ended nicely. She is 18, a first year, and I understand and accept she wants to live a little. However, we were only together a month. But this month was more intense than say the girl I was with for 2 years, etc. It felt like I don't know, a long long time. Anyways, why I got to this page (after lots of searching to find out if I was actually the only person in the world smothering people in relationships or not) - I was extremely cut up about it. The same hurt I felt after I actually ended the 2 year one, and even more cut up than when I was living with my girlfriend of 1 year and she cheated and started seeing another guy and bringing him in the house. I had to dig deep down to recover from that, and I thought nothing would be able to touch me after that, 'cos once you've been so low, you can't get much lower. Anyways, I kept asking myself... WHY does she bother me so much??? It was only 1 month. The reason is... because I made it so intense, and because, basically, I was addicted to her. I always do it. As soon as I fall for a girl, I make them come first always. Treat them like a princess. It makes me happy knowing I am making them happy. I haven't always been in a relationship, I was fine being single for ages after the last girl messed me up... but as soon as I finally trust someone and open up, it all happens again and I smother them, arghh! Anyways... funny thing was, two days before she told me a relationship wasn't what she wanted... I was actually feeling suffocated myself by what I was doing! Funny how things turn around eh?! So I was speaking to my friend and decided I needed my own space, and she would definately need her own space if we were going to go anywhere. So, I decided to go out with the lads, instead of being in with her, probably making her head ache. But it didn't work, but that's not the point here. She didn't want a relationship. She didn't split up with me for the obsessiveness, and I know this because I've told her recently all about this problem I have with smothering in a very long e-mail the other day. I told her how I was giving her space. Too little too late, but still. She said it doesn't change anything, as she can't commit (she has her own problems inside her head... but that's another story). But, what I'm glad about is, that I realised what I was doing. I actually took some time to with myself and asked myself... WHY, why does this bother me, why am I like this? Why do I always do this.

I guess I do it to show I care. I am the most generous person I know. I won't think twice about sharing with a friend, a girlfriend, hey, even a stranger. I love making people smile or laugh.

Anyways, what I have realised (before I even found this forum) - when I wrote the long e-mail the other day, and I even said to her... I realise I need to give care and hugs, etc. in moderation, else, how is a cuddle special if you receive one every hour of the day? I saw her today... and it bought back some memories, and that's why I guess I came looking about on the net to see if there's others out there who can't help smothering people their care about, wanting to spend every minute of every day with them because if makes you feel happy, and you feel empty when you're gone.

I'm glad about a few things. I'm glad I realised what I was doing before I got to 40, that's when life begins after all, huh? I'm only 20, I'm still young, I hope! I realised, I'm not so alone in smothering... hell, there's you lot here too! But most importantly, I realised on my own... and that takes quite a bit to admit to yourself, I think.

I still have some days where I get up, and think... gah, but... I stop, take a deep breath, and just think about all my friends, and how worse my life could be. Like someone said, a relationship should be the ice-ing on the top of the cake, not the be and end all of your life. You only have one life, and no one else ain't gonna live it for you, and you shouldn't try and spend your whole life living for someone else. I'm just spending time on my own now while everyone's gone on break from university back home to re-discover myself and get the indepedence I need to see I can actually live for myself.

Thank you all for being honest, and letting me know, I'm not alone.

PS. I apologise for my writing style, it's all a bit messy; but then again, it's all a bit much that I've found a little section of the internet that has just made me feel that much better and made me smile.

[tasmin]

gosh journey,

this post so reminds me of myself.

for years i have tortured my hubby over cheating on me while he was drinking.

hes sober 25 years, and although i still feel this way, i shut my feelings down because its not fair to the person on the other end.

i'm also on the acoa 12 step program, and trying to be honest with myself and others about how i feel and why i behave the way i do.

at one stage my hubby couldnt even talk to another girl without me flying into a rage.

he couldnt even mention a womans name if he worked with her.

this makes me feel sick and ashamed to admit this, i feel like a compleat monster!

my dad was like this and i hated the way he treated my mum, yet i did the very thing he did....so you can imagin the self hate i had for myself.

today i shut down my emotions again when i rang my husband and all was very quite on the other end of the phone...stright away the negitive thinking came into play and set my mood up for the day.

and god love my hubby he said" i'm in a lift babe, thats why its so quite"

even when i say nothing he can still sence how my emotions are.

thats why i came online tonight, to look for answers, to help me deal with my messed up head.

sorry for rattling on,

thanks for this post , i so needed to know i am not alone in this way of thinking.

tasmin

[journeygal]

((((((Tasmin))))))

Awareness is a good thing. When we can see the behavior, how it affects us and others, we can begin changing it. And no, you are not alone.

I'm glad you're attending ACOA. It will help you identify and deal with the issues that may have led to your obsessive behavior.

Take care,
JG

[Gabe]

Tasmin,
JG is right on.
Awareness is a good thing.
It makes us realize where we are and where we need to go.
I think some of the knee-jerk reactions we have in our relationships in adult life come from what we lived as a child.
We, all of us, want so deeply to be loved.
Learning about love as children, from emotionally distant parents, sets us back a step on the path.
We learn that love is about being second best.
We learn that love is about taking a number and waiting in the back of the room.
We learn that love is about hoping we will get our turn someday.
We learn to shut down.
And then we learn that love isn't about any of those things.
And we learn how to ask for what we need and find a place where we matter most.

[funnygirl]

The book, Confusing Love with Obsession, was written by a well known author, John D. Moore. I saw him on book T.V. and the guy is a total hunk (maybe 30 years old)? His website has some good articles on relationships and obsession. The website address is http://www.johndmoore.net

[Scorpio007]

OMG This is me 100% How do you break this cycle?
Were can you go for help? I'm going through this phase as
we speak. It's all about how this person looks. He was very
emotional unavailable for me. I've always felt something wasn't
right in the relationship. I would ask what's going on, he would
tell me he was stressed. I found out later he was seeing
someone the whole time. He was playing me. I'm in love
with this person. I alway obsess over him. I find myself
driving by his house on my way to work. How do you stop
this. When my husband left me, I did all the above,
the phone calls spying stalking. I became very obsessive.
My friend I don't call he calls me, I've gotten a little
better with chasing, just the obsessive thoughts are there.

[Scorpio007]

Hi everyone after rereading the post again, I can see I'm addicted to love or a love junkie. I know for me I have abandonment issues. I was adopted, My adopted father died when I was 5. My adopted mother raised me. She was a very angry women she physically, mentally & verbally abused me. I felt she hated me. I grew up with low self-esteem looking for love in all the wrong places.

If a guy showed me attention, I thought he cared for me. I sleep with numerouse guys growing up. I didn't know better then. I know my issue effect all my relationship. I sometimes feel like I don't belong, I'm not worthy of love or just not good enough. I even asked myself who would love me. I've told myself I wasn't attractive.

Because I felt this way about me, I found myself holding on to relationship for dear life being very clingy. I have a problem of letting go. I do the spying thing and all the above. When I get to that point of spying, I know something is going on, I need proof and I get proof. When I go through a break up I become obsess with the person.

When my husband left me OMG I went through some terrible things, panic attack you name it I felt it. I look at the wheel and say oh there goes me.
I can identify with every feeling there. I even gotten to the point I buy my way into a realtionship. Showing a person how nice I am and how supportive
I am.

I sit back and see how maniplative this is, just to be in good grace with this person. This person has feelings for me. He use to be real rude and mean to me now he show appreciation and consideration. I've told him what I did to be apart of his life. I told him how I was maniplative. One of the process is forgiving me. I'm going to see if there are CODA meeting in my area.

I know I have issue, I can sometime compare out and rationalize my stuff
Thank you so much for allowing me to see who I really am. Thank you so much, for me to stop living in denial this site is a God sent.

[ihelpkids]

Reply to come, sorry to take up space but can't figure out how to delete original message.

[ihelpkids]

This is my first time posting in soberrecovery's forums. I am a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober for 5 years. I have been married throughout all of this. I love my wife. I do not believe that I am in-love with her. I am in-love with someone else. Here's the catch; she's not in-love with me. She is engaged. While she knows my feelings for her, and is ok with them, she cares for me as friend, mostly. There are times that she gives off mixed signals. While we certainly have never been physically intimate in any way, our relationship is far from simple. She is an incredibly kind and caring person who has treated me very well.

At times, I am fine with our friendship. Other times such as over the past few weeks, I have a hard time with intense feelings and obssessing about her. The reason these feelings have most recently come up is that I have recently become aware that her fiancee is not the great guy she has portrayed him to be. He can be quite mean and seems permanently stuck in adolescence. It kills me to see this. I would give almost anything to be with her. I feel like I want to make an impassioned plea asking her to give a relationship with me a chance.

[journeygal]

Hi Ihelpkids,

You say that you are in-love with someone else. I think that we can love a lot of people in our lives but we are not always meant to have a romantic relationship with everyone we meet. Your friend is engaged and has made it clear that she does not wish to pursue a relationship with you. Even if it seems like the person she's with is not deserving of her, it is her choice to be with him and you should try to respect that.

You have a commitment to your wife and you should try to honor that. If you can't, then maybe something needs to change. But as long as you're married and your friend is engaged, it is not possible for anyone to have a happy, healthy relationship.

You can break your obsession with her, but you need to recognize and accept that you have a problem that you need to address. Eventually your behavior will just drive her away and cause problems in both relationships. It may be necessary to break off contact with her for a while until you have a better handle on your feelings.

I know how painful it is to want to be with someone and the feeling isn't mutual. But we all should strive to have loving, healthy relationships with ourselves as well as others.

I wish you well.