obsessive love

[journeygal]

Hi all,

I wanted to update people on where I am with this b/c I had a major revelation about myself.

I've been a love addict all my life.

The particular combination of cosmic forces that conspired to create me into this addict happened very early in life. I had my first love obsession in nursery school at the tender age of 4. It was with a boy named Brian. We used to push our cots together during nap-time and exchange kisses. I would follow him around the playground like a little puppy. One day, he literally disappeared. I remember asking the teachers about him but apparently he was very good at hiding from me. The strange thing is, this is pretty much the only memory I have at that age.

Scary, isn't it?

I thought about Brian FOR YEARS. I obsessed about him and made up little fantasies about our non-existent relationship.

This went on until I was in 5th grade and found my next target. Oh, I was in love! We would exchange looks in class and pick on each other. He liked me as much as I liked him. Till one day, he hooked up with another girl in our class. But that didn't deter my fantasies. I wrote about us in my journal, a strange mix of truth and fiction. This went on for a couple of years, until my next target arrived.

I lived this pattern from early puberty until well into college. I would fall for a guy who showed interest in me, then I would obsess about him for months or years after he fell for someone else, until the next target came along. I finally ended up in a real relationship when I was 20. We were together 7 years and I don't remember anything about those years, except living with the daily fear of wondering when he was going to leave me for someone else. It took 7 years, but it eventually happened.

Shortly after that relationship ended, I met Jack. It was love at first sight. It still amazes me that I'm married, b/c I never thought anyone would ever choose me. I was used to guys eventually choosing to be with someone else, which continues to be my biggest fear. In fact, a huge trigger for me is when Jack tells me how much he loves me and calls me his "wife for life." Instead of making me feel all warm and fuzzy, it sends me into a panic, b/c my long-held feelings of being unworthy won't let me believe him. As you can imagine, this fear has brought all kinds of problems into my marriage.

But, believe it or not, the realization that I've had a lifetime of love addiction is a huge relief. I realize now that it wasn't something special or unique about Jack that triggered my addiction. He's just the latest target. My love mechanism is just seriously out of whack and it always has been. Having this knowledge has helped me view my recovery in a whole new light. It's kind of like an addict realizing he can't drink, use drugs, or take pills. Jack might be my current DOC, but in general, I'm just a relationship junkie. This makes it a whole lot easier to take the focus off of Jack and put in on the real problem - how to stop being obsessive in any relationship.

So, that's where I am these days. Thanks for listening.

[splendra]

JG-

I admire you for sharing with such honesty. Here is hoping that we will all make discoveries about ourselves that will bring more truth and light into our lives and to be able to share with others so, that they might also find truth and light.

[Gabe]

JG,
Wow, thank you for that amazing share.
"Targets"...I love it.
Turns the phrase "object of my affection" into "target of my addiction".
Love from your fellow relationship junkie,
Gabe

[SusannC]

Relationship junkie! I love it Journeygal! That is perfect!
I also like the term "hope fiend". that describes me to a T!


Love you guys!
Susann

I remember my kindergarten target too JG and it went on from there. I was 4 years old and latched on from there.

I was trying to leave a dysfunctional relationship about 15 years ago and couldn't do it as usual. It was during a time when I was having memories come up that I had buried. One of the memories that came up was of me at 4 years old hiding in my kitchen cupboard terrified. I know that I lived with my parents domestic violence and I was very afraid of my father because we were punished extremely even at such a young age. The memory was that for some reason I couldn't hide in the cupboard any longer. I don't know why. Maybe they wouldn't let me anymore or maybe I got too big or something. My new hiding place became boyfriends. It started when I was 4. The minute I remembered, I was able to let go of the relationships and never looked back. If I find one great. If I don't find one that's OK too.

We do the things we have to do to survive and then forget why we are doing it. We continue to use the survival methods when we don't need them anymore. It's really amazing when the puzzle pieces start fitting together. I should have found a closet instead, lol. At least you have control over that.

I'm really glad you had a breakthrough.

Hugs to you,
MG

[journeygal]

Originally Posted by Morning Glory

We do the things we have to do to survive and then forget why we are doing it. We continue to use the survival methods when we don't need them anymore.

It's so weird having this knowledge. It's like believing the earth is flat and then finding out it's really round - that's how huge this has been for me. This whole relationship obsession has been the constant underlying theme of my life. Whatever I was trying to hide from or escape in life at age 4, I used relationships, fictional or otherwise, to do it. I'm pretty certain it had to do with my dad, who was extemely critical and would punish me for any little thing. In fact, my first memories of my dad punishing me begin at age 4. In nursery school the teachers would send home conduct notes every day. On the days we had oatmeal for breakfast, I would always get a bad mark b/c I hate oatmeal and I would never eat it. My dad was the one to pick me up from school and I would get in sooo much trouble on the oatmeal days. That's the other memory I have from that age.

OMG! Ding ding ding!!!! A connection! It's all finally starting to make sense!

Well, I do know this survival method hasn't worked for me in eons, if it ever worked. And I did not mean to hijack this thread!

Ahhhh, see what happens when you go poking around the dark corners of your life?

[Gabe]

Oh, I'm very glad you hijacked the thread JG. You've made me go digging around in some dark corners of my own. Hellofa thing those dark corners.
Anyway, I've made some relationship junkie progress as a result of what you posted, and I thank you for that.
Hijack away, I think pirates are very cool.
Gabe

Wow just wow

[LilJenni949]

I would like to thank everybody for your input/advise... I'm new to this, but so far it has helped me greatly. Thanks for opening my eyes!

[Gabe]

Hey LilJenni,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
I'm glad you're here.
Stick around.
Gabe

[henrynine]

is it truly possible to recover from love addiction?

[journeygal]

Wow Henry - I missed your question last month!

So, this is what I think. I think it's possible to keep it from progressing and becoming worse, once we've identified it as a problem and work on trying to change it. As Smoke so wisely pointed out to me in another thread, people need people in their lives, and we were not put on this earth to be by ourselves. I think, at least in my case, it's a constant struggle to maintain awareness of my triggers and the hooks that keep me trapped in my love addiction. Recovery is a daily battle, but I refuse to give up.

[Cadence57]

Originally Posted by AvieG

Great topic, and one which most of us will identify with, I'm sure. I read 'Women who Love Too Much' wich helped me see my dfects in this particular problem, ad here is yet another great piece of prose, which I keep on my inspiration board, 'Loving with an open hand'
~~> snip <~~
I cannot always keep my hands off the cocoon, but I am getting better at it!

Wow, what a powerful post. Much of what you said was exactly what I needed to hear - thank you.

[Meta orphic]

I want to post a couple of points on this issue. First of all, I admit I am a relationship-obsessive person, which is not something I'm proud to admit. Just recently, I met a girl who approached me and pursued me a bit. I ended up scaring this girl away from me with my behaviors, including rushing a relationship and 'assigning magical qualities' as described in the 'obsessive love' wheel. This went on to the point of her having to sever all contact with me indefinitely. I admit many of the behaviors described in the wheel, some of them perfectly describing my actions.

My first point is that apparently it is more common for women to experience this type of unhealthiness, but I can tell you that this guy is proof that it's not just women. I threw myself completely, emotionally, into this girl for many reasons - Having a low self-esteem, a poor self-image, the anxiety of needing this person to approve of me, to fall in love with me. The sick belief of feeling that if she didn't 'love' me, then no one would ever love me. That 'this is my last chance to get it right after all these former relationships gone sour'. It goes on and on, like thinking at times we were perfect for each other, destined to meet. I know, it gets sick. I'm working on it.

My second point is that, just like drinking and substance problems, there is a great deal of prejudice, misunderstanding, and intolerance for this kind of problem, this type of sickness. The key is to try to have compassion for 'these people', which is difficult unless you are or were one of 'them'. Well, I am one of 'them' as of now, working towards understanding and correcting it. Being sober, I can identify the problem behaviors, admit the nature of them, and work slowly towards correcting them. I understand that this may take many years. I am willing to begin now to hopefully give myself a chance to live and interact in a healthy way. But that doesn't make it any easier to be judged as 'the guy who's obsessed with that girl' or to hear someone who means well say to me 'everyone knows your deal, everyone knows the story, you chased her away and you're obsessed with her'.

Yeah, I know, this stems in large part, for me personally, from a past breakup which made a deep impact on me, and also, prior to this, having my closest relationship of several years suddenly severed. But telling another person who might be willing to listen to me, understand me, and believe me about my own admissions and honest self-appraisal, sometimes they seem to think in their mind 'what a creepy obsessive person'. So, hopefully some of you guys out there in cyberspace can read this and at least think, "Here's a guy with this problem, admitting it openly, and working at it. Good for him."

Sometimes I'll console myself, thinking that there are tons of guys who do a lot worse to women, and on purpose too. Like 'at least I'm not like them', but even that is not really straight thinking or helpful.

(m)

[journeygal]

Hi M and welcome.

From one love addict to another, welcome. You've admitted you have a problem openly and are working at it. Good for you!

While there may be a lot of shame associated with love addiction, there is a lot of peace and freedom associated with its recovery. At least that's been my experience.

I'm glad you found us and I hope you keep coming back.

Take care,
JG

[osier59]

UM

My most favorite perfume is Obsession by Calvin Klein.
Am I in trouble?

Barb

wow,i just read my relationship history

[lonlion]

Wow, that article totally described my last b/f. He would call 5-6 times a day, calling me at work, home, while shopping, always had to know where I was.
I found him driving by my house, being parked by the side of the road when he knew my destination, the list goes on.
When I would break up with him, he would describe this dark whole he was in, and didn't know how he was going to go on.
This isn't healthy, and I question whether it was true love or not. He actually used to tell me he was addicted to me.

My daughters used to call him "stalker boy"

I don't doubt now that he has probably jumped into the next relationship asap, and will be the same way. Poor guy

Thanks for giving me more insight into this. I knew something was wrong, just thought he was desperate, and in many ways he was.

[Tiro]

I too am only now coming to a better understanding of my "obsession with love". A defect I may have been carrying all my life.I have had obsessions from as early as I could remember with cousins, teachers, co workers,and even people on the television.

I can identify with a lot of what I have read above and I have a good therapist that points out the things in my life that I need to work on.

The thing I struggle with the most now is the terrible sense of lonliness and emptiness that I feel inside after my last breakup.

I am just like the addict that has been separated from the drugs. I am restless , irritable, anxious, lack concentration and in physical pain from the withdrawal and all I want to do is go out and find someone else to ease the pain.

Although the feelings I have had for my partners have always been very powerful and "real" I understand now that a lot of it was unhealthy obsession.

I WANT to be in love. I WANT to have a loving relationship with someone I can share the rest of my life with but I want it to be a healthy relationship and not the painful kinds that I have been in before, controlling and obsessive,full of jealousy and anxiety.

Little by little I am coming to understand why I have this terrible need for constant attention and reassuring from my partners and I know the root causes of it lie deep in my past.It still however does not make the pain I feel now any less.

[CoDepFree]

Hi everyone:
I'm actually shaking right now as I'm typing this --
I am realizing that I am a relationship addict.
I am currently in a relationship and have done many of the things in the wheel and I will admit that I'm feeling scared.
I want to genuinely have a good relationship with the person I'm with and dont want to obsess over him and the relationship.
Do I tell him I have this?
What do I do?

[Tiro]

I don't think you need to tell him anything right now.

When I found out how codependent I was I trembled too.Not many people will understand codependency or sex and love addiction so trying to explain it to them may only cause you frustation especially if there is still a lot we do not understand ourselves.

Take some time to learn as much as you can about the behaviour and what you can do to start changing.It is the greatest thing we can do for ourselves.

[journeygal]

I agree with Tiro. Awareness is the first step and it can be overwhelming.

Once I realized I suffered from this I did a lot of research, started going to codependent anonymous meetings, and just tried to take care of myself and stop focusing on my husband so much. It is easier said than done, but you can do it. It's been a year since I made the discovery and I have gotten much better. No one can accuse me of being "stalker girl" - LOL!

Take some deep breaths - you'll be fine.

Hugs,
JG

[CoDepFree]

JG and Tiro:
thanks so much!!!!
i will take that deep breath and yes learn more about this --
i giggled when i read that stalker girl thing ---
we're all in it together and get through it together-
longing for serenity-
thanks again-

[utopia]

well i fit the criteria but god

sometimes i wonder if anything strays from the norm than we call it a disorder. its hard to classify love.

[journeygal]

I agree, but when certain behavior makes you or another person crazy, it may be worth it to try to change some things. For me, I fit the criteria and my life was unmanageable. When I addressed some of those issues and made some changes, my life got better. However, that may not be the case for you.