Need some words of wisdom please! - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

margo · 10-24-2003, 03:41 PM

Hi all - my dad gets into town tonight for a week's visit. He is not staying with me, but close by. I am the only relative in this town so he will be spending the majority of his time with me. Just to give a little history, I lost a brother to suicide in May of this year and my stepmom to cancer in August (so obviously, my dad lost a son and his wife). My dad does not do the "stiff upper lip" thing and does cry about these losses when moved to do so, which is fine. The thing is, though - he always wants to talk about how tragic everything is and although it may not sound right, this drives me batty. I don't want to talk about tragedy all the time, even though there has been plenty of it in my family in the past, yet I don't know how to express this to him as I don't want to hurt his feelings. He is also a very negative person in many ways and does a lot of badmouthing of some of my siblings and my mother, who he has been divorced from for 28 years. As I am just shy of 90 days clean, I'm dreading this visit in many ways as my emotions seem to be all over the place lately. I have always been so codepenent with my father and I am fearing that all that I have learned will go flying right out the window when he gets here. Needless to say this is causing me a lot of stress. Any ideas about how to get through this next week without losing my mind?

phoenix · 10-24-2003, 04:48 PM

Is it possible to put your feelings in writing?

To give to him or not.Sometimes just getting things out in black and white helps.And try to plan some mini breaks,for meetings,sponsor time,and anything that will give you a few moments of peace.Maybe plan something really special for yourself for when the visit is over.

Have cheesecake on hand at all times...lol.

Oh...and earplugs are indispensible

phoenix

journeygal · 10-24-2003, 05:40 PM

Hi Margo,

First of all, way to go on your almost 90 days - you should be very proud, as I certainly am.

I am still very codependent when it comes to my parents and generally just try to avoid them.

But it's harder to do when they're physically in your presence, and for a whole week? I wouldn't make it!!!

Hmmm, not helping, am I?

I think you'll probably have to indulge him in one, maybe two pity parties. After that, try to gently change the subject when he brings it up again or if it gets too bad, calmly tell him that it upsets you to talk about such things and that you would rather talk about something else.

Or, plan a bunch of activities and keep him busy so there won't be any time for serious chats!

Like Phoenix said, make sure you plan your own time for regrouping and, uh, recovering.

The week will be over before you know it!

Love and hugs,
JG

Stephanie · 10-24-2003, 06:09 PM

Hi Margo,

I have learned a lot of parental boundaries in my recovery. Most of the boundaries have to do just with me and not with them at all. My parents tend to be very judgemental and very overprotective. It's a negative thinking thing too. It gets too me in my gut sometimes but I have learned to hold my tongue and let them be who they are. Evidently a lot of stuff I do bothers them too, they just choose to tell me all about it. I feel like it doesn't get us anywhere when they do that. I basically just ignore them and know that this is the way they are. I try to accept them for who they are without trying to bend over backwards to please them all the time.

If I need a break, I leave. I say I have something to do and that is it. I can't change who they are and I don't want to spend my time trying.

Being new in recovery is hard and my suggestion would be to make sure you take extra good care of yourself. Leave when you have to or tell him you have some errands to run and you'll meet him at dinner later or something. Make sure to hit your meetings and stay close to people in recovery. If you really are distraught by his behavior you may want to say that you are having a hard time with some things and would rather not focus on certain things.

The main thing is that he goes back home and all is well again. Sometimes we make sacrifices for our parents but not at the detriment of our sobriety. I don't know if I've been much help. You'll be fine sweetie. You know where to find us......right here waiting to see how it's going

Paulie · 10-25-2003, 10:27 AM

Margo -

Steph said it so well - (and the others too)

We can't change who they are and we shouldn't spend our time trying. WOW - so simple yet so difficult. I have the same issues with my mom, different circumstances...but same kinda stuff.

You are doing great, make time for you....do what you told yourslef you would do this week, which includes your meetings.
And you know what? You may lose your mind for the week...but you will get it back when he leaves...and this comes from spending almost 3 weeks last year with my mom on vacation, I came back nutty...but then got back to normal again. My mom also is very negative and plays the victim role well enough for an academy award. It has been over 20 eyars since my dad died, but she is still the victim. I am not being cold, but I think you understand what I mean.
Take care of you...pray and come here and vent. Pick up the 700lb phone and call your sponsor if you are really nutso...take the phone in the closet and talk to her if you have to.

We are here and will listen as long as you need us to. But be prepared to be a little nuts..it just is how it is.
Love you!!

JT · 10-25-2003, 08:09 PM

Margo,

Said so well by all. My MIL plays the victim quite well, but I don't have her staying with me for a week. Her poor pitiful self drives me nuts and I try to change the subject when I am around her.

Good suggestions...you don't have to be with him every moment of the week. Run errands and do what you would normally do. Listen once or twice and let that be it.

This is one week...it will be over before you know it.

This is the condenced version of all of the above!

Hugs,
JT

Juls · 10-26-2003, 02:40 AM

((((((((Margo,))))))))

Ditto to what the others said. The brite side is that at least he is not staying with you, so you will only have to deal with so much of him in a single day.

Taking time-outs for yourself is a must. Also, I agree with planning something special for yourself at the end of the week. Good luck.

Juls

margo · 10-27-2003, 08:28 AM

((((((Group hug!!!)))))) Thanks so much for all the great advice. Things are going remarkably well so far. We've been able to spend quite a bit of time together this weekend and it was all very pleasant and he seems to be doing better since I last saw him. We had a really good talk on Saturday about the way I'm feeling about my brother (angry at this time) and he was actually very understanding and respected my feelings and didn't try to discount the way I feel or criticize. So I'm actually really pleased with the way things are going and am looking forward to spending some more time with him this week.

Who would have thunk it??? (Certainly not me!)

Lots of love and hugs,

Margo

2stop · 10-27-2003, 08:31 AM

{{{{Margo}}}} So glad to hear it is all working out well for you..and Big Congrats on the nearly 90 days..Very proud of ya my friend!!!!!!!!

Juls · 10-27-2003, 03:21 PM

Sometimes it is amazing what happens when we simply... let go.

Juls

Paulie · 10-27-2003, 03:32 PM

A gift of your recovery!!!!

10-24-2003, 03:41 PM	#1 (permalink)
margo Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia Posts: 1,727	Need some words of wisdom please! Hi all - my dad gets into town tonight for a week's visit. He is not staying with me, but close by. I am the only relative in this town so he will be spending the majority of his time with me. Just to give a little history, I lost a brother to suicide in May of this year and my stepmom to cancer in August (so obviously, my dad lost a son and his wife). My dad does not do the "stiff upper lip" thing and does cry about these losses when moved to do so, which is fine. The thing is, though - he always wants to talk about how tragic everything is and although it may not sound right, this drives me batty. I don't want to talk about tragedy all the time, even though there has been plenty of it in my family in the past, yet I don't know how to express this to him as I don't want to hurt his feelings. He is also a very negative person in many ways and does a lot of badmouthing of some of my siblings and my mother, who he has been divorced from for 28 years. As I am just shy of 90 days clean, I'm dreading this visit in many ways as my emotions seem to be all over the place lately. I have always been so codepenent with my father and I am fearing that all that I have learned will go flying right out the window when he gets here. Needless to say this is causing me a lot of stress. Any ideas about how to get through this next week without losing my mind? __________________ Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind is bearing me across the sky. ~Ojibwe saying~

10-24-2003, 05:40 PM	#3 (permalink)
journeygal believer Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: walking in faith Posts: 1,023	Hi Margo, First of all, way to go on your almost 90 days - you should be very proud, as I certainly am. I am still very codependent when it comes to my parents and generally just try to avoid them. But it's harder to do when they're physically in your presence, and for a whole week? I wouldn't make it!!! Hmmm, not helping, am I? I think you'll probably have to indulge him in one, maybe two pity parties. After that, try to gently change the subject when he brings it up again or if it gets too bad, calmly tell him that it upsets you to talk about such things and that you would rather talk about something else. Or, plan a bunch of activities and keep him busy so there won't be any time for serious chats! Like Phoenix said, make sure you plan your own time for regrouping and, uh, recovering. The week will be over before you know it! Love and hugs, JG __________________ Whether they find recovery or not, we survive...and then we thrive. ~Gabe

10-24-2003, 06:09 PM	#4 (permalink)
Stephanie Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: The Basement Posts: 724	Hi Margo, I have learned a lot of parental boundaries in my recovery. Most of the boundaries have to do just with me and not with them at all. My parents tend to be very judgemental and very overprotective. It's a negative thinking thing too. It gets too me in my gut sometimes but I have learned to hold my tongue and let them be who they are. Evidently a lot of stuff I do bothers them too, they just choose to tell me all about it. I feel like it doesn't get us anywhere when they do that. I basically just ignore them and know that this is the way they are. I try to accept them for who they are without trying to bend over backwards to please them all the time. If I need a break, I leave. I say I have something to do and that is it. I can't change who they are and I don't want to spend my time trying. Being new in recovery is hard and my suggestion would be to make sure you take extra good care of yourself. Leave when you have to or tell him you have some errands to run and you'll meet him at dinner later or something. Make sure to hit your meetings and stay close to people in recovery. If you really are distraught by his behavior you may want to say that you are having a hard time with some things and would rather not focus on certain things. The main thing is that he goes back home and all is well again. Sometimes we make sacrifices for our parents but not at the detriment of our sobriety. I don't know if I've been much help. You'll be fine sweetie. You know where to find us......right here waiting to see how it's going __________________ It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out â€“ it's the grain of sand in your shoe. Robert Service

10-25-2003, 10:27 AM	#5 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,785	Margo - Steph said it so well - (and the others too) We can't change who they are and we shouldn't spend our time trying. WOW - so simple yet so difficult. I have the same issues with my mom, different circumstances...but same kinda stuff. You are doing great, make time for you....do what you told yourslef you would do this week, which includes your meetings. And you know what? You may lose your mind for the week...but you will get it back when he leaves...and this comes from spending almost 3 weeks last year with my mom on vacation, I came back nutty...but then got back to normal again. My mom also is very negative and plays the victim role well enough for an academy award. It has been over 20 eyars since my dad died, but she is still the victim. I am not being cold, but I think you understand what I mean. Take care of you...pray and come here and vent. Pick up the 700lb phone and call your sponsor if you are really nutso...take the phone in the closet and talk to her if you have to. We are here and will listen as long as you need us to. But be prepared to be a little nuts..it just is how it is. Love you!! __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

10-25-2003, 08:09 PM	#6 (permalink)
JT Supply Manager Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Cleaverville Posts: 2,903	Margo, Said so well by all. My MIL plays the victim quite well, but I don't have her staying with me for a week. Her poor pitiful self drives me nuts and I try to change the subject when I am around her. Good suggestions...you don't have to be with him every moment of the week. Run errands and do what you would normally do. Listen once or twice and let that be it. This is one week...it will be over before you know it. This is the condenced version of all of the above! Hugs, JT __________________ The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind~Wayne Dyer

10-24-2003, 04:48 PM	#2 (permalink)
phoenix Paused Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Dreaming Summer Posts: 803	Is it possible to put your feelings in writing? To give to him or not.Sometimes just getting things out in black and white helps.And try to plan some mini breaks,for meetings,sponsor time,and anything that will give you a few moments of peace.Maybe plan something really special for yourself for when the visit is over. Have cheesecake on hand at all times...lol. Oh...and earplugs are indispensible phoenix

10-26-2003, 02:40 AM	#7 (permalink)
Juls Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: California, USA Posts: 1,095	((((((((Margo,)))))))) Ditto to what the others said. The brite side is that at least he is not staying with you, so you will only have to deal with so much of him in a single day. Taking time-outs for yourself is a must. Also, I agree with planning something special for yourself at the end of the week. Good luck. Juls __________________ Think World Peace

10-27-2003, 08:28 AM	#8 (permalink)
margo Member Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia Posts: 1,727	((((((Group hug!!!)))))) Thanks so much for all the great advice. Things are going remarkably well so far. We've been able to spend quite a bit of time together this weekend and it was all very pleasant and he seems to be doing better since I last saw him. We had a really good talk on Saturday about the way I'm feeling about my brother (angry at this time) and he was actually very understanding and respected my feelings and didn't try to discount the way I feel or criticize. So I'm actually really pleased with the way things are going and am looking forward to spending some more time with him this week. Who would have thunk it??? (Certainly not me!) Lots of love and hugs, Margo __________________ Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind is bearing me across the sky. ~Ojibwe saying~

10-27-2003, 08:31 AM	#9 (permalink)
2stop ~Author of My Life~ Join Date: May 2003 Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't.... Posts: 4,794	{{{{Margo}}}} So glad to hear it is all working out well for you..and Big Congrats on the nearly 90 days..Very proud of ya my friend!!!!!!!! __________________ Many Hugs and Hope too, Tammie "Think of all the beauty still left around you and BE HAPPY." ~Anne Frank~ "Things do not change, WE change." ~Henry David Thoreau~

10-27-2003, 03:21 PM	#10 (permalink)
Juls Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: California, USA Posts: 1,095	Sometimes it is amazing what happens when we simply... let go. Juls __________________ Think World Peace

10-27-2003, 03:32 PM	#11 (permalink)
Paulie It is what it is!!! Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Sobriety Posts: 5,785	A gift of your recovery!!!! __________________ I know more about how to live than I did yesterday, but not as much as I'll know tomorrow. Today, Ill learn something new~JFT, 1/27/06 The difference between a good day and a bad day, is about 2 days~Ann of SR

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