relationship prior to recovery

[Soleus]

Hello, I'm new on here and came across this forum today. I just want to say I'm really glad I did, it's exactly what I needed. Let me explain a little about my situation- my boyfriend and I had been dating a year before I found out he was an addict. He's been an addict for 8 years and I didn't know it, I'd known him a few years but we didn't talk much during that time. I'm not an addict or mess with drugs or anything like that. Clean, sober person. I was shocked when I found out he was a drug addict because I had no idea and I'd never dealt with anyone personally like that. I didn't know what to do so I broke up with him. He went into rehab for 4 months and got out 2 months ago.


I couldn't help thinking that everything would be fine and we could work through it. I got back with him the second day he was out of rehab and we were together 2 months. He recently had a relapse and I broke up with him again thinking that he needs to focus on himself and not a relationship right now.

The problem is he thinks that if I loved him like he loved me I'd stay with him and we'd work through things. I know they tell recovering addicts to stay out of relationships for at least a year, I've read that in many places on this forum : ) thanks for that, that was a reminder I needed.

I've read a lot of posts about people who MEET recovering addicts and get with them. My question is- what about a sober person who was with an addict and then becomes a recovering addict, is it the same rule that even though you were together you should still let that person have a year to themself? I feel like that, I think less damage would be done that way and we'd hurt each other less. I just don't know how to explain it to him. He thinks the rule is different since we were together prior to him going into rehab. What do you think about that?

I'm SO sorry this is so long! Any advice or thoughts on the situation are greatly appreciated!

[justanothrdrunk]

There's no "rule" in AA or NA regarding relationships - not a written one at least.

I have heard this before though (no relationships in the first year of recovery) and I believe this came about as being a common recommendation by rehab centers.

Though I think this recommendation gets a little twisted around. When I was in rehab (3 times), we were always told no major life changes for a year if they can be avoided. In my mind, an existing relationship is not a life change.

The above - FYI - is just my experience with what I was told and what I have observed.

[Alizerin]

Heya,

Check out the "family and friends" section of this forum. Chalk full of people where you are, and where you've been. :-)

[55438]

Hey Soleus,

Welcome to SR. I agree with Alizerin about going to the friends and family section. Listen to what they say and where they are with their addicted family member. Then ask yourself if you are ready for that and is that what you want for your life.

55438

[Soleus]

Thank you, I wasn't sure where the best place was for this. I just noticed it said 'relationships and parenting in sobriety' so this probably isn't the best place. Thanks for redirecting.