Will this relationship work?

[Aprenna]

Hi group,

I posted this in another forum, but I think this one is a better place to get input.

My boyfriend of about 7 months recently admitted to me that he is a recovering alcoholic, three years sober. I always kinda thought there was something up because he told me he did not drink and was very adamant about knowing the content of cough syrup, food, etc. When I inquired about it, he would say that he was really healthy and careful about what he put in his body. I figured that was likely, so I did not really question him. Now that I am confronted with the truth, I am so confused as to what to do. I have absolutely no experience with addictions. I do not know anyone with an addiction. The one thing I do know is that I have fallen in love with this person and would like to pursue a committed relationship. The fact that he did not tell me the truth in the beginning is not really an issue, because I know I would have ran as quickly as possible. Part of me feels like I should not be concerned with the person he was, but focus on the person he is today and how much strength and character it took for him to turn his life around. However, the realistic side knows that there is always the chance of relapse and that is what scares me the most. I am a very strong person, but I don't know if I can handle dealing with a relapsed alcoholic. Am I being naive to think that I can have a future with this man? Children? In the seven months we have dated, he has not given me any reason to be alarmed, he seems to have his sobriety under control and is not using me as a crutch. He takes antabuse and attends meetings. I love being around him and our relationship has been going wonderfully. I have no idea what to do. I know that no one on this board can tell me what to do, but if someone is or was in a similar situation please share your story with me. I have prayed about this but I am so confused as to what to do. I think at this stage I am trying to convince myself that I am fine with, but I'm not sure. Thanks for reading all of this.

[anvilhead]

Aprenna, it's advised not to "double post" on SR....of course we can explore any forum we wish, but to simply copy-paste the SAME query can be confusing and indicates the poster may be shopping for answers.

i do wish you the best of everything in your life. and i do hope as you further look around SR you are able to use the wisdom and information here.

be well.

[wicked]

The fact that he did not tell me the truth in the beginning is not really an issue, because I know I would have ran as quickly as possible.

This seems to be a contradiction to me Aprenna. If he had said, "I cannot have alcohol because I am an alcoholic, taking antabuse and would have a violent reaction." you would have run away, but it is not an issue now?
By the way, my name is Beth and I am an alcoholic, and have been in love with, married, and had children with another addict.
Any new relationship that could be serious, I let them know I am a recovering alcoholic.

I think if you are trying to convince yourself you are fine with his alcoholism, I hope you get some more knowledge for yourself.

I took antabuse early in recovery, during my wait for in patient treatment when I was active duty in the Army. I am not sure why, if he has 3 years sober, he is still taking antabuse.

Does anyone else have knowledge about taking antabuse for years?

beth

[Aprenna]

I apologize. I am a new poster and someone private messaged me that this forum was better suited for my question. I believe my original post was in a forum more suited for people dealing with recovery issues and relapse. This is my first post on the board, so I do not think it qualifies as 'shopping for answers."

[Aprenna]

Hi Beth, thank you for your response. What I meant by my statement, is that prior to getting to know him for who he is, I would not have thought it was worth it to stay in the relationship, especially since I zero knowledge about addiction. All I would have to go on is the stereotypes that people (incl. myself) have about alcoholics. Now that I know him and have fallen in love with him, I want to better understand his addiction and be supportive of him through his recovery. I have been doing as much research as I can to learn more about this and joining this forum has been a huge help. As far as the antabuse, he does not take it every day. He also suffers from anxiety so he takes Antabuse when he is feeling anxious. He also attends meetings once or twice a week, so he's not simply depending on Antabuse for recovery. In the time we have been dating I have not witnessed any violent reactions to the drug and I do not believe that is a side effect, from what I have been reading. I guess I just want to know what to expect from a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. If he is stable and comfortable with his recovery, is it any different than a relationship with a non-alcoholic?

[wicked]

[QUOTE=Aprenna;2499767]

Hi Beth, thank you for your response. What I meant by my statement, is that prior to getting to know him for who he is, I would not have thought it was worth it to stay in the relationship, especially since I zero knowledge about addiction. All I would have to go on is the stereotypes that people (incl. myself) have about alcoholics. Now that I know him and have fallen in love with him, I want to better understand his addiction and be supportive of him through his recovery.

Ah, I see now. Yes, there are alot of stereotypes, and if you have no kin with an addiction problem, well, you wouldnt know anything. What has he told you about his alcoholism? Has he told you he loves you? Not my business, I know, but I am nosy. And being supportive of him is a great idea, as long as you don't see him as a "project", that was my problem, and I was addicted to alcohol myself. You can imagine how well that worked.

I have been doing as much research as I can to learn more about this and joining this forum has been a huge help. As far as the antabuse, he does not take it every day. He also suffers from anxiety so he takes Antabuse when he is feeling anxious. He also attends meetings once or twice a week, so he's not simply depending on Antabuse for recovery. In the time we have been dating I have not witnessed any violent reactions to the drug and I do not believe that is a side effect, from what I have been reading. I guess I just want to know what to expect from a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. If he is stable and comfortable with his recovery, is it any different than a relationship with a non-alcoholic?

Oh, the violent reactions I was speaking of would be if he drank alcohol while taking antabuse. If he had any alcohol at all, he could be violently ill. It is used as a deterrent to drinking.
I think any relationship with an alcoholic is going to be different from a non-alcoholic one. I could not speak to this, since all I know is addiction and the codependents that go with them. The possibility exists of relapse, and you must have boundaries in place if this happens. Another thread mentioned a Plan B. So far, your boyfriend has been sober for 3 years, that is good time.
But, if he relapses what will you do?

[Aprenna]

He has been very upfront about his past struggles with alcohol. While he did not want to rehash his entire 20 years of drinking, he was very interested in the questions and concerns I had about his addiction. My main concern is relapse and how do I handle it if it happens. He told me that he cannot guarantee that he will not relapse, but he knows he does not want to start drinking again. He offered for me to go to a mtg with him,which I think is a good idea. My other concern is my parents. My bf is 11 yrs older than me and they would flip if they found out he is a recovering alcoholic. For now I am not telling anyone in my family. Finally, yes he has told me that he loves me and thinks we have a future together.