Should RABF have his own space in ‘our home’?

[coping123]

My RABF and I have been together for just over 11 weeks. Today he is 17 days sober.

Brief relationship history: I knew him 20 years ago, went to college together, had not seen him in 20 years & we started dating the 3rd week in August, ‘09. After a week together, he was laid off of work due to the establishment closing. After a few weeks together, I noticed his drinking problem - he was drinking at least a 5th of vodka a day, all day every day; at six weeks he up and pulled detachment from me due to my wanting to talk about his drinking problem one too many times. At nine weeks & after two weeks of starting to talk to each other again, he shows up on my doorstep at his rock bottom, sick & messy & pleading for my help... which I told him that when he was ready I would help him through it and be his support, as he has no friends or family that understand or even want to understand the alcoholic mind enough to help him through his recovery.

Brief history of him: he had his first hospitalization two and a half years ago after drinking four 5ths of vodka & wound up in a coma for six days & hospitalized for two weeks - never seeking any type of aftercare program but stayed sober for 90 days; since then he’s been living with his grandmother and uncle rent free & just helping them around the house to earn his keep on top of working full-time in the restaurant biz until August... and his codependency & stress with his relatives was the catalyst of his drinking getting to the point where he hit rock bottom.

I helped him through the five days of detox at my home without issue, cared for him, etc; day six he was off the couch and back sleeping in ‘my bed’; day 12 I confronted him about our ‘relationship’ and if he was ‘really ready’ to be in an intimate relationship & I asked him to move back to the couch to sleep, as I have no spare room at the moment, & he said ‘just give me a few more days to get my confidence back’ & has continued to sleep in ‘my bed’; that same evening we went to his first AA meeting (as he would only go if I went with to an open meeting, which was fine); day 15 we went to his second AA meeting (open again), and he said he was going to his first closed AA meeting this morning to get his ‘first step’ - and he didn’t go, even though he’s said over and over how excited he was to go to the next meeting. He seems to be in the ‘just one more day’ thinking mode - and I consider him a dry drunk at this point since he hasn’t had his ‘first step’ yet. He’s been doing a lot of writing to purge the muck from his head... but I know that is no therapy like AA or an addictions counselor. Over the last week, we decided it would best if he move in with me officially - as going back to his grandmothers would just send him immediately back to his old habits, due to the stress of taking care of his 92 year old grandmother & his enabling uncle that badgers him day and night. His days of ‘rehab’ with me have been very productive; he keeps busy & does my yardwork & house chores and cooks for us - which is great because I don’t cook. He has had no urges to drink since the stress has been removed, and I believe my home is the best place for him to ‘recover’, under the existing circumstances.

Today is day 17, and I’m getting to a point that I’m starting to feel used... ie - since he has no money, no job, etc. I have to pay for groceries for ‘us’ - which he’s a great cook and says cooking is great for his ‘rehab’ - but not great for my budget, and I’ve had to set boundaries for grocery shopping already (sorry we’re going to have to live on bologna sandwiches & hot dogs for awhile & put the gourmet meals on hold). His ‘few days of confidence gaining’ is on day 5 now, and here is where I’m at a loss on what the right thing to do is: Since we’ve only been together a short time & had an intimate relationship from the get go, I have it in my head that continuing the ‘relationship’ means him sleeping in my bed & eventually soon getting back to the intimacy; we are purely platonic at this point & in all honesty that is just confusing me , considering I’ve been working on my own intimacy issues for years and have finally reached a point in my life where I am ready for a ‘normal’ relationship. He’s had anxiety issues all his life, so him saying ‘just a few more days’ - he will keep stringing me along to the end of never if I let him. I know that in AA they recommend not having a ‘relationship’ for a year - but this is technically an ‘existing’ relationship that he expects to continue to progress and grow every day & says he ‘needs it’ for his rehab - but at what price to me? I know I shouldn’t expect him to be able to jump back into the relationship full speed at not even a month sober... which is why I’m wondering if the ‘right’ thing to do would be to institute the ‘tough love’ program and have him move back to the couch... at least until he’s through his first few steps, ignoring the fact that the little ‘intimacy’ we share by him just sleeping next to me is indeed helping him through his recovery?

I’ve been to one Al-Anon meeting & I am following the steps of that program, but admittedly have not been effected by his alcoholism to the degree of needing regular meetings: I’m OK w/me let’s just say & have no problems maintaining my life & changing my attitudes through this process so far. This is just a tough call for me since I’m doing what I can to maintain a loving household & loving relationship, and knowing that my tough love of ‘kicking him to the couch’ is going to damage his progress just a bit at this point.

[OtherHalf7]

I am in a similar situation...my bf, a high school chum, and I rediscovered each other in adulthood and have been in a long-distance relationship for some time. I'm here, his family's here, his support system is HERE! He lives 8 hrs. away, and is in a custody battle for his son with no family nor "real" i.e. sober friends, and when he came out of detox 2 months ago, he lasted in day treatment and AA for less than two weeks. He relapsed, too.

I'm a BCBA, and one thing I've told him is that to beat the addictions, he has to change the environment to change the behavior. Both his mother and I, whom I become really close to through this crisis, have both offered our homes to him. He won't make as much money in this area, but his expenses will be less and he will be around for his loved ones' support.

This is all in limbo now, cause he's back to his self-destructive ways, and too far away for me or his mom to get there in crisis.

This relationship has worn me down...the mood swings, the pain, the distance, and the other night I set up a boundary he didn't like...his sobriety is HIS first priority, followed by our kids, careers and so on. I also believe until he gets his faith back in God, he doesn't have much of a chance.

I saw my personal behaviorist today, and she told me I knew as well as she does that this is an unhealthy relationship. She recommended I use the distance for good, keep my priorties in check, and stop being his sole source of emotional support.

Your bf needs space. When my sis celebrated her second-year of sobriety last month, she gave me some very good advice. Her husband and kids made sure she had a quiet place to go to when things get too much for her. She also said I'm to my bf like her hubby is to her; he and I keep our loved ones in check, balance them out.

However, you are not running a treatment center, right? One thing I have to learn is I am responsible for my children, myself, and my clients, to the degree that I give them the tools to help themselves, but I am NOT responsible for my boyfriend, and though I know he needs my support, I'm keeping our relationship on a friendship level, and help him through some issues, but that's as much as I can do, and I can't beat myself up anymore for giving my all and then feeling I've failed him...he's grown, up to him how he wants to live his life. Hope this helps, and hang in there!

[Cynay]

Welcome to SR.... I’m happy to meet you both though sorry it has to be under these conditions. There is a post in Friends and Families of Substance abuse.... It was written by an Addict but it fits Alcoholic behavior as well....

Before you read it I want to add that I’m not some hard hearted want to beat up the Alcoholic... quite the contrary.... But what I have learned in my years of recovery and that includes recovery from unhealthy relationship.... is there are VERY good reasons why they suggest not getting involved with an alcoholic during the first year of recovery. I had to take a good long look at why I want to "save" someone from themselves... Why I would knowingly walk into a relationship and take care of a grow man who is not able to have a relationship in the first place. First of all I don’t believe you will have a "normal" relationship with an Alcoholic, and the only way to ever have a relationship at all that will not be hurtful and destructive is if the Alcoholic is Sober and working a program. I know this sounds rather harsh..... but what worked for me is Therapy, Al-anon, SR, and CoDA.... because once I starting working my personal program I discovered just how sick I was as well and only then could I stop putting myself in these type of relationship....

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

Now I will agree that the depth of this might depend on the stage of addiction, but one thing I know is that untreated addiction will one day get to this depth.

Remember You did not cause it, you can not control it and you can not cure it. Hitting bottom means that you will go to any length…. It could be he is still searching for the softer way…

Just remember my thoughts are just my opinions and remember to take what you want and leave the rest. I have about 45 years of living with Alcoholics and can only pull from my personal experience. I hope to get to know you better, keep posting and reading… there is a lot a good knowledge and wisdom here on SR.

[OtherHalf7]

Thank you Cynay; sometimes, I think "if I had known" I would have never accepted that first date. He said he got sober "for me and his son", and I told him he HAD to get sober for himself. I know there is nothing I can do other than love him and pray, and I know that we can't have a relationship while he's not sober. The hardest part, for me, is that helpless feeling. I'm a natural fighter...have to be, as a single working mom. I can only imagine how hard this is for him, but I've accepted he's grown and has to fight his own battles. I wish he would find some kind of support system where he is, but can't force him. Thanks again for YOUR support

[Cynay]

Thank you, but it only because I am also a fighter.... unfortunally it has taken me so many years to finally get that Im fighting for the wrong person.... I need to fight for my relationship with me.... You do him no favors by making it easier for him....

I compare it to a butterfly that is trying to break out of its cocoon. If you even help a little bit by tearing the cocoon the butterfly will get out only to have weak wings and die.... it you help an alcoholic try to recover and make it even a little easier for him ... he will have a weak recovery and possibly not make recovery at all. It has to be something they want with all there soul... for themselves first otherwise it just does not work.

Remember Loving someone does not always mean taking care of them or fighting their battles. Sometimes the only way to show someone how much you love them is by letting them go so they can hit there bottom and find out how to love themselves.

[coping123]

Thanks to you both OtherHalf7 & Cynay... I needed to make sure my head was in the right place and my codie head didn't take over. We talked about him needing his own space and, although he said he didn't need it, he relocated to the couch last night and this weekend we're setting up my spare room for him. He says he respects my feelings and understands where I'm at and how it is effecting me.... although he needed a prod to get up and move to the couch because I knew he didn't want to... I know he'll be happy about the change once it all sinks in. He's gone to 2 AA meetings in a row now and plans two more for the week - so far so good.

I think about it sometimes that if I would have known about his disease from the get go, I probably would not have accepted that first date. With all of the research I've done in the last month on alcoholism & the steps I've taken to 'understand' his disease, I'm glad I did accept that first date; it's brought to light my codie way of thinking that I've been trying to shake for years - and now I'm on my 3rd codie book & it's working wonders with my attitude. Everything truly does happen for a reason.

There are so many people in this world that do not understand or do not want to understand the alcoholic mind - I'm grateful for being one of the ones that does. It's made me a much better person overall.

Thanks again.

[forjg]

coping I am right there with you. I met a man in April, and found out in the end of July that he was an alcoholic, and he quickly spiraled downhill from there and he had a suicide attempt in September and one in October, he is now in his 4th and final week of inpatient alcoholism rehab. He enters a sober house on Friday for 90 days. I am not a codie. But people still think I am crazy to stick with him. But I have done a lot of reading and I am willing to give him the chance to recover. One day at a time.

[OtherHalf7]

I got a text today...my SO wants to "talk". I said sure. I am being there for him, but still on a friend level. I talked to his mom...she said he's not used to an independant woman who's not an enabler. He told me a few weeks ago that it was a "shock" dating someone who "has it together".

I try to look at everything as a learning experience, and boy have I learned through this. I made a decision today, to not abandon him totally, because that's just not me. However, I'm not playing "the game" anymore, no longer walking on eggshells, nor scheduling my plans around him, and that includes major life decisions and romance.

Thanks to all for embracing me into this fellowship.

[coping123]

Update: RABF and I had a ‘chat’ on Sunday about ‘us’ - he seems to be more tight lipped since he’s been in AA and hasn’t been sharing as much with me... he finally opened up a bit and said that his AA work is separate from ‘us’ and when he’s home with me, it’s about ‘us’ and not AA - which to me struck a red flag, since its all hand in hand, its his entire life. He told me he’s bad at relationships, sober or not - and we talked and it made sense, and he seems to be reacting to me when I’m reacting to him, which put a ‘hold’ on his ‘advances’ towards me. It all sounded to me like he’s working both his program and ‘us’ - and that I should just let ‘us’ continue to try to progress (as in not changing the existing relationship). I told him that if he has an urge to kiss me, etc. - to not ‘wonder’ what mood I’m in and to just do what he feels. He agreed, and with that he moved back into my bed again.

Well it’s been 4 days now, and I’m back to feeling just the way I was when I asked him to move back to the couch. I had ‘expected’ (yes I know can’t do that with an A) that maybe ‘we’ would progress a bit this week, since he’s really positive and has been working his program with a meeting a day... but it’s all still the same... just a ‘platonic slumber party’. I know he feels ‘content’ as he says, with the ‘relationship’ as it is - but to me it’s not a relationship. Well, maybe its a relationship if we were in our 80s and had been together for the last 60 years... but we were only together 6 weeks before he detached, apart for the next 3 weeks until he showed up on my doorstep at his rock bottom and asking for my help and support. Tomorrow it will be 4 weeks he’s sober and has been living with me, Monday he’ll be 1 month sober. And I’m just completely uncomfortable with him sleeping in my bed under these circumstances, wondering if the ‘romance’ will ever come back. I’ve mentioned the whole ‘not having a relationship for the first year of sobriety’ to him, and he’s like ‘screw that - I can’t wait a year’ - just give me a few more days. That was two weeks ago.

I love him and I’m here to support him, I have no plans of changing of that; just confused of what to do at this point. I have set a boundary once; it’s probably time to set it again and stick to it this time and get him his own room to sleep regardless of what he says or feels - even though I know it helps him to progress with ‘us’ while he’s in my bed; what its doing to me is slowly making me shut down emotionally. I fear that when he’s finally ready to put the romance back in our lives, I’ll be too far shut down to even want an attempt.

I’m trying to live one day at a time; the next day is always different than the previous. I know I need to focus on me alone and not ‘us’ or try to ‘rebuild us’ - but with such a new relationship its very difficult to get on that thinking track. And if I do ‘things alone’, he’s hurt that we’re not doing ‘things together’ - which makes it even more difficult to just focus on me.

Still beating my head against the wall....

[OtherHalf7]

Hang in there Coping..my SO and I just split, permanently, I guess...loves the bottle more than me...sending all the positive energy I can to you!!!