Trust

[nsanendmembrain]

I was trying to respond to my post yesterday, but the thread looks closed. (??) To answer some questions, though:

1. I was both venting AND asking for outside feedback. I try to do that instead of going around and around in my brain by myself. (not good)

2. S.O. goes behind me and searches the computer, so Christmas shopping must be done on "private search". I have also been having some health issues and actually was doing some research on cancer (didn't want to wig him out...as he would do). So the "lying" was a lie of omission that I was actually also shopping (I don't think I was clear on that).

3. Was there ever trust there? I don't know. *I* believe that trust is beyond him. Our history just aggravates that.

4. I shared all of this in my appointment yesterday with the therapist. The therapist said that S.O. is mentally ill with a diagnosable anxiety disorder and I set it off when I do *anything* that is not 100% transparent. (BTW, s.o. sees the same therapist for individual and we see her together for marriage counseling....every week.) I asked her about "my" privacy and she said that if I want to stay with him, I have none. (I get questioned if I close the door for using the toilet or showering....that's what I mean by "none")

I am trying to focus on my recovery as much as possible, but it's hard when that entails phone calls and meetings (he checks up on my phone records, and quizzes me about meetings..."how was meeting, who was there, what was the topic, who chaired...etc."). I think I didn't realize that this is abuse because he is very codie, has never hit me, and assumes the victim/martyr role.

I want to leave but I feel stuck. Maybe the homeless shelter will have more appeal after the holidays. I just want to give the kids a nice Christmas first.

It really helps me to write it all out and look at it. Makes it real. **sigh**

Thanks for letting me share.

[smacked]

Do what's best for your and your recovery. Sounds like a relationship that I would personally not choose to be in or stay in, but you're choosing it for yourself and I guess it's good you're in some counseling. Congrats on your sober time.

[CarolD]

Hi again...
I moved this to this Forum from Alcoholism
as it is clearly about your relationship issues

I have also re located your first post in Alcoholism
that I closed earlier.

I do hope you can continue your early sobriety
as you work thru this situation...

[wanting]

I'm so confused. Your post in the F&F section talks about your spouse as "she, she, she" and here your spouse is "he, he, he." Am I going crazy?

[mfanch]

Yes, the he/she thing is odd. But does gender really matter? I hope to hear back from you, nsane. It is hard to reach out, believe me, I know!!

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by nsanendmembrain

I want to leave but I feel stuck. Maybe the homeless shelter will have more appeal after the holidays. I just want to give the kids a nice Christmas first.

Just my experience, back about 22 years ago, I was living pretty close to downtown, out of work, just recently divorced, and as circumstances turned out, living directly across the street from a Salvation Army family shelter.

I went across the street, asked if they needed volunteers, and they did, liked me so much they offered me a job after a period, had to refuse the job due to the unemployment compensation I was collecting, but I continued to volunteer there.

It was a very rewarding experience, one that I'll never forget, and I'm sure you and your children would find it a great place to stay temporarily, and maybe just as rewarding as my experience. The corp has shelters all over the country, and even though it's actually a religious denomination, they don't push it on anyone.