When will the trust return? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

nsanendmembrain · 11-06-2009, 04:32 AM

I actually am beginning to think that there may be TOO MUCH history with me and my SO. He has never trusted me since we got together and I don't think that will ever change. It is just one thing after another. It doesn't help that we have both had affairs in the past. And he is possessive and jealous.

I put "private browsing" on (the computer) while surfing for f-ing Christmas presents for him. BIG MISTAKE. He found out about it and the interrogation began. I white-lied and said I was looking up something to do with my health. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. oh, BUT IT WAS!!! He brought it all up in therapy the next day and the therapist concluded that to search about my health privately, that I must be obsessed about it, and that obsession is on the path to relapse. I had to focus on the therapist's diploma on the wall to keep from bursting out laughing. I go to meeting every day. I talk to my sponsor every day. I help another alcoholic every day. Miraculously I have been sober for the longest amount of time ever. I wanted to let the cat out of the bag about the fabulous Christmas gift, but I got something really special for him and I don't want to blow the surprise.

He asks me why I never had a surprise 40th birthday party for him. What am I supposed to say? "oh, because you would accuse me of an affair half-way through the planning, that's why".

I have NO privacy. He goes through my things. He has to know EVERY thought and EVERY feeling or he starts wigging out. Well, am I supposed to do? Can't I have a LITTLE privacy? Jesus.

As of today, I want to send the gift back when it arrives back and pack my sh*t and leave. I DO feel angry. Well, not so much anymore...I have turned it over and shared with you all.

I know I am right where I am supposed to be, but is there such a thing as too much history???

DesertKate · 11-06-2009, 05:09 AM

Not sure what you're asking here. Or maybe you're just venting-dunno. I'm not Oprah or Dr. Phil, but I have been around the program for quite a few 24 hours. My reaction to your post is this: how is this relationship affecting your sobriety?

CarolD · 11-06-2009, 05:22 AM

I am sorry you are having difficulties with your relationship.
I was happily divoreced before my drinking became a problem.
No experience to share on your situation....

I can say that prayer calms me when I am disturbed.

Blessings to both of you

Mark75 · 11-06-2009, 05:39 AM

You need to talk to your therapist privately, this is about his trust issues, not your recovery. If you don't trust your therapist, find one that you do.

Don't let this effect your sobriety.... it's about his character defects, not yours.

Mark

smacked · 11-06-2009, 06:16 AM

I'm not a relationship counselor either.. do you have one?

I know personally, I could not be in a relationship like the one you describe, but that's my choice, you have yours as well.

I hope you get some help with this.

Live · 11-06-2009, 06:48 AM

that is emotional and psychological abuse. ABUSE. Please read the stickies at the tops of various forums on this topic, I think it will help.

ClosetExtrovert · 11-06-2009, 07:01 AM

It probably won't ever return because it never was. I dated a man like that years ago and it just got worse and worse until it almost got dangerous.
I hope that isn't the case for you.

towhere · 11-06-2009, 07:56 AM

I'm sorry, but let me get this straight - you are upset that there is no trust from your SO while you flat out lie to him? Why should he trust you? Your probably not as good a liar as you think, and your 'health' explanation probably sounded fishy.. because it was. Why in the world would shopping for xmas presents need to be a 'secret' anyway?

I'm not saying he doesn't have his issues, sounds like he does, but you are certainly feeding into his mistrust.. given the circumstances and history you need to try being open and honest about everything. No white-lies as you call it. That or move on.

As others have mentioned I'm not sure why you posted this in an alcoholism forum but I felt compelled to reply. Hope things improve.

Live · 11-06-2009, 08:11 AM

No one likes to be interogated and everyone has a basic right to privacy.
I like what my guy says: "Jealousy is the best way to run someone off."

***Freedom1990*** · 11-06-2009, 08:18 AM

Quote:

He has never trusted me since we got together and I don't think that will ever change.

I think you just answered your own question.

My EXAH was like that.

I will never ever live that way again.

sailorjohn · 11-06-2009, 08:22 AM

Hard to understand why you would feel it necessary to lie in a therapy session, why attend therapy if you can't be honest with the therapist?

IMO, your SO and your therapist probably both realized you were lying at the session.

Just my experience, lying in a relationship where there are trust issues isn't conducive to building trust between the partners. Well intentioned or not.

LBW · 11-06-2009, 08:31 AM

I agree with Cubile. I think you should talk to the therapist privately. Tell her what you were really doing. Tell her you feel suffocated... you know you need to earn trust back... but surely there are some limits to what he is allowed to do to verify that trust?? I think the therapist should agree that he's crossing some boundaries.

Maybe he is a controlling jerk who will always do this kind of thing... if that's the case, you may need to figure out a way to end the relationship.

Or maybe he is just a guy who loves you very much but has been really hurt and all this is him just trying to not get hurt again... he is crossing boundaries but it's because of his pain. If this is the case, the therapist needs to work with him to be more reasonable.

Boleo · 11-06-2009, 11:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nsanendmembrain

I actually am beginning to think that there may be TOO MUCH history with me???

I normally don't like the suggestion that someone needs to work a selfish program but in this case - I think it is "Imperative" that you focus ALL of your attention on your sobriety, regardless of how it affects your relationship with your SO.

Without the honesty, open mindedness and willingness of sobriety - it does not stand a chance anyway.

Live · 11-06-2009, 11:54 AM

My thoughts exactly Freedom!!!!!!

Two wrongs don't make a right. Ever.

barb dwyer · 11-06-2009, 08:51 PM

'come back"?

sounds/reads to me like ... there never WAS trust?

CarolD · 11-07-2009, 05:42 AM

Hi everyone.....

I've removed some posts that were off topic
or confusing or not beneficial to our mission of recovery.

If you have no experience to share on a thread
it's not necessary that you respond.

However....this is our Alcoholism Forum
and this is a duplicate posts so it's closed.

Thanks

11-06-2009, 04:32 AM	#1 (permalink)
nsanendmembrain Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 6	When will the trust return? I actually am beginning to think that there may be TOO MUCH history with me and my SO. He has never trusted me since we got together and I don't think that will ever change. It is just one thing after another. It doesn't help that we have both had affairs in the past. And he is possessive and jealous. I put "private browsing" on (the computer) while surfing for f-ing Christmas presents for him. BIG MISTAKE. He found out about it and the interrogation began. I white-lied and said I was looking up something to do with my health. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. oh, BUT IT WAS!!! He brought it all up in therapy the next day and the therapist concluded that to search about my health privately, that I must be obsessed about it, and that obsession is on the path to relapse. I had to focus on the therapist's diploma on the wall to keep from bursting out laughing. I go to meeting every day. I talk to my sponsor every day. I help another alcoholic every day. Miraculously I have been sober for the longest amount of time ever. I wanted to let the cat out of the bag about the fabulous Christmas gift, but I got something really special for him and I don't want to blow the surprise. He asks me why I never had a surprise 40th birthday party for him. What am I supposed to say? "oh, because you would accuse me of an affair half-way through the planning, that's why". I have NO privacy. He goes through my things. He has to know EVERY thought and EVERY feeling or he starts wigging out. Well, am I supposed to do? Can't I have a LITTLE privacy? Jesus. As of today, I want to send the gift back when it arrives back and pack my sh*t and leave. I DO feel angry. Well, not so much anymore...I have turned it over and shared with you all. I know I am right where I am supposed to be, but is there such a thing as too much history???

11-06-2009, 05:22 AM	#3 (permalink)
CarolD Forward we go...side by side Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Serene In Dixie Posts: 37,601	I am sorry you are having difficulties with your relationship. I was happily divoreced before my drinking became a problem. No experience to share on your situation.... I can say that prayer calms me when I am disturbed. Blessings to both of you __________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery!

11-06-2009, 06:16 AM	#5 (permalink)
smacked Heathen Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: La La Land, USA Posts: 2,544 Blog Entries: 1	I'm not a relationship counselor either.. do you have one? I know personally, I could not be in a relationship like the one you describe, but that's my choice, you have yours as well. I hope you get some help with this. __________________

11-06-2009, 06:48 AM	#6 (permalink)
Live Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Bristol TN/VA Posts: 11,588 Blog Entries: 5	that is emotional and psychological abuse. ABUSE. Please read the stickies at the tops of various forums on this topic, I think it will help. __________________ Each small candle lights a corner of the dark....Roger Waters

11-06-2009, 08:11 AM	#9 (permalink)
Live Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Bristol TN/VA Posts: 11,588 Blog Entries: 5	No one likes to be interogated and everyone has a basic right to privacy. I like what my guy says: "Jealousy is the best way to run someone off." __________________ Each small candle lights a corner of the dark....Roger Waters

11-06-2009, 05:09 AM	#2 (permalink)
DesertKate Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Arizona Posts: 20	Not sure what you're asking here. Or maybe you're just venting-dunno. I'm not Oprah or Dr. Phil, but I have been around the program for quite a few 24 hours. My reaction to your post is this: how is this relationship affecting your sobriety?

11-06-2009, 05:39 AM	#4 (permalink)
Mark75 Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 6,818	You need to talk to your therapist privately, this is about his trust issues, not your recovery. If you don't trust your therapist, find one that you do. Don't let this effect your sobriety.... it's about his character defects, not yours. Mark

11-06-2009, 07:01 AM	#7 (permalink)
ClosetExtrovert Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: New Jersey Posts: 232	It probably won't ever return because it never was. I dated a man like that years ago and it just got worse and worse until it almost got dangerous. I hope that isn't the case for you.

11-06-2009, 07:56 AM	#8 (permalink)
towhere Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: S. TX Posts: 8	I'm sorry, but let me get this straight - you are upset that there is no trust from your SO while you flat out lie to him? Why should he trust you? Your probably not as good a liar as you think, and your 'health' explanation probably sounded fishy.. because it was. Why in the world would shopping for xmas presents need to be a 'secret' anyway? I'm not saying he doesn't have his issues, sounds like he does, but you are certainly feeding into his mistrust.. given the circumstances and history you need to try being open and honest about everything. No white-lies as you call it. That or move on. As others have mentioned I'm not sure why you posted this in an alcoholism forum but I felt compelled to reply. Hope things improve.

11-06-2009, 08:22 AM	#11 (permalink)
sailorjohn Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Baghdad Posts: 2,824	Hard to understand why you would feel it necessary to lie in a therapy session, why attend therapy if you can't be honest with the therapist? IMO, your SO and your therapist probably both realized you were lying at the session. Just my experience, lying in a relationship where there are trust issues isn't conducive to building trust between the partners. Well intentioned or not. __________________ Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.

11-06-2009, 08:31 AM	#12 (permalink)
LBW Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 91	I agree with Cubile. I think you should talk to the therapist privately. Tell her what you were really doing. Tell her you feel suffocated... you know you need to earn trust back... but surely there are some limits to what he is allowed to do to verify that trust?? I think the therapist should agree that he's crossing some boundaries. Maybe he is a controlling jerk who will always do this kind of thing... if that's the case, you may need to figure out a way to end the relationship. Or maybe he is just a guy who loves you very much but has been really hurt and all this is him just trying to not get hurt again... he is crossing boundaries but it's because of his pain. If this is the case, the therapist needs to work with him to be more reasonable.

11-06-2009, 11:54 AM	#14 (permalink)
Live Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Bristol TN/VA Posts: 11,588 Blog Entries: 5	My thoughts exactly Freedom!!!!!! Two wrongs don't make a right. Ever. __________________ Each small candle lights a corner of the dark....Roger Waters

11-06-2009, 08:51 PM	#15 (permalink)
barb dwyer same planet...different world Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: butte mt Posts: 10,942 Blog Entries: 7	'come back"? sounds/reads to me like ... there never WAS trust? __________________ Knowledge is knowing that tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in fruit salad.

11-07-2009, 05:42 AM	#16 (permalink)
CarolD Forward we go...side by side Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Serene In Dixie Posts: 37,601	Hi everyone..... I've removed some posts that were off topic or confusing or not beneficial to our mission of recovery. If you have no experience to share on a thread it's not necessary that you respond. However....this is our Alcoholism Forum and this is a duplicate posts so it's closed. Thanks __________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery!

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