Daughter communication question

[Girlfriend]

Hi all!! Thank God that this forum is still here after all these years and helping people. I know when I have a question, you all will give me the truth and nothing but, so that's awesome

This has been a tough year for most with the recession and I hope, for the most part, everybody is doing well on here.

A bit of history about myself:

I'm an RA of 15 years. Was in an abusive marriage young...from age 16-24. Verbal, physical and financial abuse 24/7. I did have two beautiful children with him, though, that I adore.

My son is 30 and he's working through his A sobriety and doing well. He's on probation for two years for two DUI's, spent time in jail and has progressed since then. He's relapsed once or twice, but that's a part of recovery and he sees that that's not what he wants.

My daughter is 28 and is in a successful music career. Both kids have always been dominated by their Dad. Even after the divorce, he would buy them THEE best of things, give them whatever they wanted, kept them from me (ie: he'd coach my son's football, softball teams. I'd ask where his game was going to be that week, ex would tell me and SOOO many times, it was the wrong place, wrong time--on purpose--- to look like I was a mom that never came to my son's games. When I was told the right area, date, time, my son wasn't "allowed" to talk to me during, before or after the game), used them as pawns to get back at me.

It's not helped them at all. They still rely on their Dad financially, they've been so spoiled that they both don't feel the need to work, start a life for themselves. Why should they? He's always told them what to do, gave them the $ to do it with, just to keep them close to him.

He's never re-married and he's a lonely man. Always denied the abuse, called me a "liar" to my kids and a "psycho". So, naturally, they treated me the same.

I drank after I left him at age 24 because I was scared, no self-worth left and had to keep going with two small children and no family around. So, I did it for false courage.

Since I've become sober, I've done my darndest to be there for my kids. First, out of guilt, to try and give back to them what I couldn't while drinking. But, as the years went on, I stopped doing for my kids out of guilt and just because I wanted to become close to them and vice versa. I've been consistent and loving.

BUT, there is an issue that always comes up at holiday time. Even though my daughter is in the music career, she gets paid well, but not enough. So, her Dad gets her work or her Dad pays her rent....she's 28.

There have been years where I've paid for half of her plane ticket home for the holidays.

Every year, she'll come home for 3-7 days, stays at her Dad's, he's got her scheduled to do this and that and every year, I see her for a few hours on one night for a dinner.

We've been communicating well via text and email and bonding. She'll tell me "Momma, when I come home, we'll have a girl's night and we'll go shopping and just spend alot of time together".

Never happens. She's scheduled to come home soon and again, I get "but, I can spend Sunday night with you while Dad spends time with B (her bf that's coming with her)". Doesn't understand why that hurts me.

If I tell her that I was under the understanding that we were to do more together while she's here, she gets defensive and puts it back onto me by telling me "I won't listen to that" and walks away.

I can never tell/communicate with my kids how I miss them, want a close relationship with them because life is short, too short and when they give me a couple of hours once a year and thinks that's enough.......I keep my mouth shut.

But, I'm 50yrs old now and I explained it to her this way " You two are my whole life and it hurts to only see you for a few hours when you're here for 7 days. So, come when you can, we'll have a great time and I've got to not look to you both for my needs. I need to have my own life, do my own things that I love and always be here for you".

I SO wish I could tell them what I really feel. I feel cheated, I feel like a part time mom and I feel like, any one of us could pass away tomorrow and we'd not have the time and memories left that I wish we could have.

So, I'm asking again for advice..........what do I do, what do I say, I'm walking on eggshells here for fear that I'll push them away, but yet I hurt inside and feel cheated of the time with my kids.


THANK YOU for your advice! I so appreciate it.

[trapeze]

This may be a really silly question, but could you go see her wherever she lives. Go the extra mile, so to speak? I'm 50ish with a 29 year old daughter out of state, and sometimes I get on the plane to visit her, to show her I care about her life enough to put the extra effort into the relationship.

[Girlfriend]

Originally Posted by trapeze

This may be a really silly question, but could you go see her wherever she lives. Go the extra mile, so to speak? I'm 50ish with a 29 year old daughter out of state, and sometimes I get on the plane to visit her, to show her I care about her life enough to put the extra effort into the relationship.

If I could afford it....YOU BET!! I'd love to and have tried every year to save for that.

[Girlfriend]

I just see me being angry still with their dad and that he pays their rent, gives them money and drinks and parties with them.

He still enables them and that's not healthy for them at all.

So, it's not really that they don't spend the time with me, it's that they're choosing to stay close to their Dad when he's enabling them for his own needs.

That's something I don't have control over at all. And, I'll just continue to love them and be here for them and pray alot.