Rediscovering A Relationship

[Wolfchild]

A few months ago, while looking up some people on Facebook, i came across someone i once had a very deep relationship with. We had dated and lived together for many years back in the 1980's. We were both actively using then and our love for each other was very real. Eventually though, our addictions took more of a priority in our lives then staying committed to each other and we parted ways. Our contact thru the years was very sporadic and we each had moved on into and thru other relationships. We never really expressed a desire to rekindle our passion and just let life take it's course. Since contacting her thru Facebook, we have brought each other up to date. She also is recovering and involved in the A.A. fellowship. She is now 18 months clean & sober and working thru the 12 Steps. She has a Home group, a sponsor, and is actively employed. i have let her know about my journey in the N.A. program & fellowship. We were able to make several amends to each other for the harm we had caused in the past. We have sent each other numerous emails since then and have spoken on the phone many times. We have made tentitive plans on a few occassions to get together, but other obligations have played a part in this not happening in our time. There are several other issues in her life that needed to be worked out for her own well being. i will not get into the details. Suffice it to say that she has recently decided to end a relationship with someone who has been actively using drugs.

My feelings about this woman are still strong and i would like to be open to the possibilty of us reawakening our desire for each others company. The amount of love i have for her seems to be realistic and within a proper context. i have inventoried the way this appears to be developing and have been honest with my sponsor (and others) about it. This lady meant a great deal to me and still does, but i do not want to act rashly or inappropiatly with it. i would like to have things progress in God's time and with His guidance. My heart and mind see the possibilties of our lives coming back together at this time. i realize that our lives could have run their course to enable us to be much more to each other than we ever could be before. We seem to have alot in common with each other and are committed to our individual programs of recovery.

My intent in posting this is to get some perspectives on it from my friends here at SR. And yes, i am totally aware of giving her the time & space to begin a healing process from this previous relationship she was involved in. i feel that it is necessary so that i do not become a substitute that could take her focus away from going thru what she needs to go thru at this time. If you would like to share your experiences with similiar situations and what you have learned from it, i would be most appreciative. If you would like to offer your insight on my life from what i have have shared here, i would be very grateful. If you would like to express you care and concerns, please feel free to do so. If you only have opinions on this matter or only want to judge this situation, please keep it moving. As many of you know, i have seldom shared the very intimate details of my personal life here. i have my reasons for that, but i believe that this is needful for me to share about this aspect of my life with you. Thank you all for your continued love and support in my(our) recovery.

[freya]

Well, first off, I absolutely believe that miracles do happen in recovery. And I certainly think that it would be absolutely wonderful to be in a relationship in which both persons are strongly committed to working a 12 Step program. I also think and feel that if you are feeling this strongly drawn to this person and to at least investigating the possibility of renewing your relationship with her, that you probably need to do that....

....but I also think and feel that there is a pretty big potential for hurt and disappointment here and that you need to go very, very slowly and be very, very careful.

Several things from your post that are of concern for me:

* She is only sober 18 months and not yet finished with her way through the Steps for the first time.

* She was until very recently still involved in an intimate relationship with another addict -- that just really raises red flags for me in terms of her general self-esteem and mental health -- not to even get into the whole rebound thing that you mentioned.

* From your post it appears that when the two of you have made plans to meet in the past, the "reasons" for canceling/postponing have been on her side. That, to me, raises some questions about how seriously she really wants to do this....or, at the very least, how comfortable she is doing it.

As I'm sure you know, relationships are very hard work, and, in my experience, As without solid recovery under their belts tend not to be able to do relationships -- of any type -- well. They just don't have the skills and the emotional maturity for it...and, realistically, their first attempts at Steps 8 and 9 are where they begin to develop those skills.

Wolfchild, you seem, in general, to be pretty together and have solid recovery, if you really feel drawn to this, then you probably need to check it out and see where it goes. I wish you lots of luck -- just please, please be careful!

luv,
freya

[OtherHalf7]

I don't have much advice to offer, but more of a heartfelt Thank You. I met my SO on FB, as well; we never dated in our youth, were just friends, and continued an online friendship/telephone for a while before reacquainting in person and falling in love.

I was there when he decided to get sober. I was there for the relapse. Recently, I let him go...not a formal "break-up", but just decided since I don't have the power to keep him sober, it was time to let him sort things out, alone.

I hurt, but know that we can't have a relationship while he's in this state of mind.

It's reading posts from survivors like you that give me hope, for myself, and for him.

It's been a week since I've had any contact with him, and of course the "what if's" are in my head, but that's no way to live.

I think you and your friend have a shot, in time. No rush...concentrate on you first,and let her do the same. Congratulations, and my prayers and blessings are with you both.

[Ago]

In my experience, and I have some, step WAY back, stop thinking, the past is GONE.

This is a chance for an amends, not a relationship, if after a year or two, or maybe even longer it evolves into something NEW that's different.

I have seen this dozens of times, have participated in one or two and when rushed it's never not a train wreck.

Never.

This I have seen with my own eyes repeatedly.

Usually it's GREAT for awhile then worse then it ever was, and yes, these are people in sobriety, I come from a large sexually active fellowship, this is old hat.

Listen to Freya, also I'd suggest reading that bit in the BB where it says: "being new in conscious contact with our creator we are apt to make some howling doozies where we think we know God's will."

I am not saying don't do it, I am saying SLOW DOWN and do NOT listen to your head and that "God's will" bosh when it comes to selfish desires and satisfying your relationship needs.

If you are meant to be together, nothing will keep you apart, and if you aren't nothing will keep you together (except for my vast stupidity and stubborness as I bark at the barn door years after the horse should have been allowed to leave)

[Wolfchild]

As with many situations, experience is a good way to see and learn what needs to change. We we able to enjoy a wonderful weekend together recently and came to realize there are areas of our personal recovery that we need to make progress in. We kept in mind how are actions were affecting the other person and were able to see that we still love each other very much. We went to a meeting, went out for dinner, and got some work done around the house. We were able to laugh with each other, help each other to see things differently, and gave each other opportunites to express who we are. It is very apparent that we both value our individual programs of recovery very much and are trying to practice it on a daily basis. We both felt that our time together was beneficial & productive and will hopefully lead to something more meaningful in the future.