confusion - what else is new? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

ChangeIsHard · 10-18-2009, 08:53 PM

My exboyfriend who treated my very badly at the beginning of his journey into sobriety have recently contacted me telling me he still has feelings for me. I do not know whether or not to believe him, since all I know of him recently is lies. I fear he is falling prey to a fleeting emotional whim, and is being very charming. Then again, what do you think of second chances?

**Cynay** · 10-20-2009, 09:50 PM

Honestly????

Im a romantic... so I totally believe in second chances......

After a year or more of soberity, after working the 12 steps and after I have 6 months in a programs designed just for me.... then I might "think" about the second chance.....

and boy oh boy would I put the boundries out there and keep them firmly in place.... and to be even more honest... I would always for ever more put my program and recovery first.....

That being said... and sticking to the boundries and rule....

I will marry my best friend, soul mate and the most amazing man I know this Sunday.... and we were a second chance.

ClayTheScribe · 10-21-2009, 11:48 AM

Keep in mind, he's probably your ex-boyfriend for a reason...

Wolfchild · 10-25-2009, 08:27 AM

Is it reasonable to move ahead with this without dealing with the harm caused in the past first? Is it practical to go with this opportunity considering the way you already feel about it? It seems as if you have already given yourself a word of caution about this and know what may be involved in this course of action. i would encourage you to inventory the changes in either of your personalities and to examine if either of you are better able to have a loving and caring relationship.

i was involved with someone in our local fellowship, who i thought had a strong recovery, who i believed would be a good partner. After time went by, we discovered that there were problems with her ability to love and be loved. She made a choice to move out to "work on herself" and i hoped that she would learn & grow from the difficulties she had created in our relationship. After about two months of seeing each other, i saw evidence that nothing had really changed at all. In fact, she shared with me that her recovery was weakening because she wasn't putting in any effort or following the suggestions from her sponsor. i chose to end my participation in the relationship for my own well being. Through abstinance of not seeing her, calling her, or asking about her, i was able to recover from the harm caused and to strengthen my ability to forgive others.

10-18-2009, 08:53 PM	#1 (permalink)
ChangeIsHard Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Toronto Posts: 45	confusion - what else is new? My exboyfriend who treated my very badly at the beginning of his journey into sobriety have recently contacted me telling me he still has feelings for me. I do not know whether or not to believe him, since all I know of him recently is lies. I fear he is falling prey to a fleeting emotional whim, and is being very charming. Then again, what do you think of second chances?

10-20-2009, 09:50 PM	#2 (permalink)
Cynay Forum Leader Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Phoenix, AZ Posts: 3,795	Honestly???? Im a romantic... so I totally believe in second chances...... After a year or more of soberity, after working the 12 steps and after I have 6 months in a programs designed just for me.... then I might "think" about the second chance..... and boy oh boy would I put the boundries out there and keep them firmly in place.... and to be even more honest... I would always for ever more put my program and recovery first..... That being said... and sticking to the boundries and rule.... I will marry my best friend, soul mate and the most amazing man I know this Sunday.... and we were a second chance. __________________ Cynay "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." Harvey Fierstein

10-21-2009, 11:48 AM	#3 (permalink)
ClayTheScribe July 25, 2009 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Thornton, CO Posts: 371	Keep in mind, he's probably your ex-boyfriend for a reason... __________________ If you don't want to slip, stay away from slippery places. -Dual Recovery Anonymous

10-25-2009, 08:27 AM	#4 (permalink)
Wolfchild Disposable Hero Air Attack 2 Champion! Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Being, ME Posts: 3,239 Blog Entries: 3	Is it reasonable to move ahead with this without dealing with the harm caused in the past first? Is it practical to go with this opportunity considering the way you already feel about it? It seems as if you have already given yourself a word of caution about this and know what may be involved in this course of action. i would encourage you to inventory the changes in either of your personalities and to examine if either of you are better able to have a loving and caring relationship. i was involved with someone in our local fellowship, who i thought had a strong recovery, who i believed would be a good partner. After time went by, we discovered that there were problems with her ability to love and be loved. She made a choice to move out to "work on herself" and i hoped that she would learn & grow from the difficulties she had created in our relationship. After about two months of seeing each other, i saw evidence that nothing had really changed at all. In fact, she shared with me that her recovery was weakening because she wasn't putting in any effort or following the suggestions from her sponsor. i chose to end my participation in the relationship for my own well being. Through abstinance of not seeing her, calling her, or asking about her, i was able to recover from the harm caused and to strengthen my ability to forgive others. __________________ Any clean addict is a miracle and keeping the miracle alive is an ongoing process of awareness, surrender, and growth

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