My (our) relationship

[kotabear]

Hello! This is the first time posting on this board. I've looked mostly at the family and friends of A board.

My x-spouse is a RA.

A bit of a background- He has always drank since I known him, meet him in 1998, I just had gotten out of high school, and was working at the local gas station. He would come in to buy a pint of jack, get gas, the norm. One day he came in and asked me out! I never really had been asked out on a date from a guy, he was cute, 7 years older, and my co-worker said he was a alright guy, so I said sure why not.

After our first date, we where together more and more. My mother got upset cause I stayed at his apartment one night. She called one morning and said well if your going to sleep over you might as well live together. A month later he found a house in the country a few miles from my parents house, and our lives together began. In Oct 2000 we married. I was 20, he was 27. Our wedding was nice, I danced and drank, and had fun with my friends. He danced his dance with me, and hung out at the bar, while his friends feed him shots, he was so drunk by the time we left the reception, I had to drive to the hotel, and help him up to the room. My dream, of my husband taking off my wedding dress, never happened. We took a weekend trip to St. Louis and explored, no mad passion there as well... but ok, we had been together for 2 years.

We went home. Life was the usual work, hanging out. We always drank, I was young, and he was a dranking buddy, I guess. Even though he drank more, and I was the driver. We did some fun wild stuff in those days, and thought nothing of it. He worked in a factory, as a line mechanic, and really got into his job, so he could get a better wage. He said he did it, so he could make me happy, to make life good for me, the wage, all the over time, things of that nature. Once when we lived in our first house he got made at me about something I told a co-worker from the gas station about him, one of his x and his friends x girlfriend, he yelled at me for hours, in my face, he was drunk as well. That became the norm for the next four years... he getting drunk, getting in my face and telling me how much I didn't repect him, love him, understand him, how I had family and he didn't, how I didn't understand his car accident and the suffering he indured while having his leg reattached, losing his mom to a nursing home to to going into a diabetic coma, to come out of it to never talk again, to have a childhood with a abusive father, and later on a step father. He would say how I didn't think truly how he felt, that I would never understand, that I didn't think about it like if it was me. Yet I did, and after hearing about it over and over and over, I got tired.... of hearing it. I just wanted it to stop.

Then he got layed off, I had quit my job a week before. We decided to have a change, he was going to go back to school, I would look for another job, and we would move, north 40 min away to where he was going to go to school. He got into school, worked part time job's, and was still receieving unemployment, to make up for the difference, I got a job at the grocey store. We struggled, money wise, he was stressed over work, school was never a problem, when he went.... he got good grades. I hated the apartment, to much closeness for me.... I was used to the country, and a house. Once night I went out with my best friend, she picked me up cause we only had one car working at that moment. I went out with her, and her boyfriend, he had a friend with him.... that's it. I was never planning on having a affair as my husband I am sure to this day thinks I was going to do. I felt uncofortable... and he had called the bar looking for us, I told him to come over. When he showed up, he was drinking, and of course we all had as well, my friends boyfriend and friend had been doing coke. Things got out of hand, a small fit broke out. On the way home, my husband kept hitting my leg. When we got to the apartment parking lot, I took off walking, one of my friends and a cousin lived on the other side of town, they didn't answer thier phones. I called my parents, they drove the 40 min to the town, and picked me up. The next morning my husband came to my parents house, and my father had words, I went home with my husband, I had to deal with things, my leg was bruised and hurt.... I went to work.

We moved a month later, closer to "home" got a house, and things where good again, for the most part. We decided to work on having a family, that would make things better right?! Finally after a year, we got prego! We where so happy!!! Husband still drank, and talked about his past.... but all was "normal" for us.

I asked him to slow down on the drinking since we where going to have a baby. He was buzzed the night my water broke.

We moved again, the house we lived in was one bedroom, and was bought out from our landlord. We rented a house in the town my husband worked at, the job he had been laid off called him back to work. Life was good, he worked 2nd shift, I was going to school for early childhood development in the morning. I watched a little boy in town, and my niece and best friends girl, who where all the same age. In the fall of 2005 we bought a big white house out in the country, just down the road from his sister, and not to far from my parents. We found out we where expecting baby #2. Before I found out I was prego, and we bought the house, he got drunk on night, and my attitude was bad and sour cause of it, he put his hands around my neck while yelling at me, with baby in hands.

We moved to our first home, that we could call all our own... got settled in, had christmas, things where ok.... baby number 2 was due in May. April, we worked hard on putting in pine trees for a wind block... I seemed to push to get it done, we had a hundred trees to put in and they had been sitting in buckets. He was drunk... it was a choir to get him to want to do it... he would much rather sit in the garage and drank and listen to music, and play. We finally got most of them in. Just to let you know I helped even though I was 8 months prego, I sat in a chair and held the tree while he covered it with dirt. He did have to do the most of the work.

Then he wrecked our car, he was drunk and was playing with the radio and hit a car in town. He ran, he hide, the cops came to the house, and I couldn't really tell them where he was. He was gone all night.... he hide the car, and sleep in the woods. The next day the cops came out, he got off.... he said he hadn't taken his med's... threw all of this the doc. diagnoised him as bi-polar. He was on and off med's. Dranking more and more.

On May 12th 2006 I was to be inducded... the baby was 5 days late, and I was ready. He came home from work to take me to the hospital, he had a half pint, to drank before we went. May 14th Mother's day that year I had a little girl!!!! That night after family and friends came, my husband asked me if it was ok if he went out for a celebration drink.. he would walk the four blocks to the bar. Holding back the tears I shock my head. he came back a few hours later, drunk, bitching to me in the hospital about how much he hated his sister and how I didn't understand it all. All I could think is I got to get out of this hospital. The next morning we left the hospital.... he had went to clean the car, and he was drunk when he came back. I drove us all home, he went in and fell asleep on the couch for the evening. I breast feed the baby, and got up and made a simple supper for our 2 year old and I. I cried! 3 weeks later, he hit a mail box, with our daughter in the truck, he had been drinking the night before, but swears he wasn't drunk, I think he still was from the night before. Our daughter and him where ok. He wanted to go to the hospital, he was spinning. My parents had been very supportive and understood, what I, and him where going there. My father is a manic depressant bi-polar person, from the effect of Vietnam. They had gone threw things like this before. We took him to the captiol city of our state. He was in the hospital for 2 days and I went to visit. I had hemirod's so bad from the birth, and hardly could sit in to drive in the car, for the 3 hours. My mother went with me, to help with my 3 week old daughter, since she couldn't go to the pshyic ward. He wanted to leave. A week later I went and picked him up, he wanted to go right to the liquor store.

My parents adivsed me not to let him live with me. He got his own apartment. His job was premittly laying him off, and he was going to go back to school, again. A few months later, our oldest broke her femur bone, full body cast! He would come out to the house to watch the girls while I worked. We where getting along, by Christmas and the time the cast was to be taken off, he was living in the house again. Things wehre good for about a month. Then the dranking began again!

One night I came home from work, he wasn't home. I knew he was out drinking, he always drank alone as well. He pulled up just as I was putting the kids in the car, I had meant to be gone before he came home. Cause I knew his drinking and my attitude would not mixed well. The reason I knew this is cause I went to a few al-non meetings. The week before we where to go to a open meeting, his sister was there at the house that night, that's why we couldn't go!

Anyway... as I'm putting the kids in the truck, he pulls up, I say to him "what the F is you problem" he had that look on his face, that I hated to see. He walked over to me, took my keys, and yelled at me that I was his problem, and I was not going anywhere with his kids. He put me up against the porch and put his hands around my neck... I almost blacked out, I had our 6 month old in hands... he made us go into the house, took the phones out of the walls, and yelled and pushed me around for the next 3 hours. Our oldest knew when I said to go into the other room and play to do so, she was three. Our six month old, who could walk! stood besided me a cried. At points he had me down on the ground, twisting my neck, head butted me once, and made my nose bleed. I put the kids to bed, and went to bed. the next morning I woke up, to get ready for work! he left me a note, about how wrong it was of him to do that, how dissapointed his mother would be of him, and how he needed help. For some reason my mother called me that morning, I had hooked the one phone back up as well that morning. She could tell something was wrong when I said hello. I went over to my parents. I never went back home. My parents advised me to get a order of protection, and I did so.

At this point things get a little fuzzy for me!!! things where so crazy, emotionally in me, and with 2 small kids, and a full time job to hold. My grandmother let me move into her house, since she was living with my aunt in town. It was wonderful to have that place to go to, it was where I had the best times of my childhood, and I made it so I and the girls felt safe and at home. My husband a few months later went to rehab for 30 days. He had planned on going to a half way house afterwards. I cleaned the house, and had a realtor come look at it. He instead went to live with a woman who was in the program classes. He used her, and come home to see the girls, bringing another druggie woman, who was recoverying, who had lost her kids. They stayed in our house!!! I took the girls over to see thier dad... that night I went out with my sister, and before going home, went over to the house, in my truck turned up the radio and cut cookie in our 2 acre yard! A few days later he took her back down south, he lived in the house, with no water... for a few months. I would take him water. The garbage piled up on the porches, the yard grew and grew. He somehow was able to go back to school threw unemployment since being a A is considered a diease and was able to get all of his funding for school back. He meet Jenn!

I was crushed and I wanted a divorce, I was tired of hurting. In sep. of 2008 I went to court, my lawyer, the judge and I. I gave my testimony. I was divorced... I cried in the truck cause the judge said to me before I left, may God be with you, and the look of pity in his eyes.

Fast forward to March 2009. I couldn't live in my grandmother's farm house any longer. My youngest sister had come to live with me, her husband kicked her out and divorced her. We would get into yelling fights, and she would come after me. I had to get out.

A week before this my X had his final intrevetion. His girlfriend had kept calling me and texting me, that day, he was drunk, and she couldn't do it anymore, he was asking for me. I went over after work. He was drunk, he was to call Heartland, a recovery community in MO. He couldn't talk, he just kept mumbling the song by eddie vedder, hard sun. He told me he loved me, looked at his girlfriend and shook his head.

I moved in within a month, he was to go to the recovery center the next week, and I needed to house I couldn't live with my sister anymore! I thought I could do this... live with him, for one week, things were ok, till the night before he had to go to rehab. I came home from work, he had the kids that day kept them home from daycare, so he could have one last day with them before his journey began. I got home, and I could tell he had been drinking. I cried, cause he began texting his girlfriend, and then coming in the kitchen to help us with school snacks, like a family man. I finally snapped, I said "we don't need you if you want her, go! If you don't go, I'll make you go. I said girls what your father is doing tonight to us is not right!" He then replied, "You just broke my rules, your gonna get it" I said "no you are, and called the cops" That night he left in handcuff's, he never hit me, he just verbally abused me. He bailed himself out the next morning and his girlfriend took him down to Heartland.

Things got cleaned up, and for the next 30 days the girls and I made the house a home again. He called in his 2nd month in rehab, asking if the girls could come down to see him. I believe my children should have a relationship with their father. I took them down. for the next 4 months we would go down every other weekend, at his 4 month mark we could stay over night in the lodge.

He was sober, it was wonderful, he did his steps, he went to church, and did his thing with God. He was changed. He was sorry, and had ended it with that girl, the day she dropped him off at the center. They won't let him have contact with her anyway if he wanted to. He had told me she was just entertainment anyway, to pass the time, that he only loved one woman, me.

A week ago, I picked him up from his 6 month stay in the recovery community. He's looked and sounded the best he ever has. He is living at his sister's a few miles away. He is looking for a job, and a apartment. We still love each other. We took our kids to a drive in movie therater this past saturday, which was awesome.

Yesterday I had that old fear come back on me kind of like the Nickelback song "something gotta go wrong, cause I'm feeling way to D*mn good" He was to stop by to visit and see the kids that night. For some reason I felt he would show up drunk, or not show up at all, cause he was seen an old friend, or went to see that girl.

ten minutes after writing in my journal he showed up, fine!!!! Oh I hate those old fears, but keep them around.

I have never told the whole story of my life with my husband like this yet. Friends and Family know, but they all can't believe I put up with him.

Am I wrong, should I run, I don't want to get hurt again, but seeing him sober is so nice!!!! We talked about him getting his own place, and just dating taking things slow.

We both long for a family. He admitts his wrongs, and knows that God has saved him, and wants to do the right things in life, and has come to closure with the bad parts of his past.

And suggestions,advice, words of wisome, would be great. I keep reading my al-non, bible, and anything I can get my hands on. I also take it one day at a time. But want some input from the outside.

Sorry this was so long, and if your still reading THANK YOU!

Take Care,
Kota

[kotabear]

I do understand I'm co-dependent, and work on not being.

I also understand that this is the honeymoon stage of his recovery. That he is dry, but not sober.

Just want to check with the outside world to see if I'm crazy or not I guess.

and again, my family and friends, well most my friends, would not be happy to know that I feel this way about my x spouse.

[wanting]

That was really long. I can't believe I read the whole thing.

I think it sounds promising. Are you going to go to marriage counseling? Are you going to al-anon? Is he in AA? I think all three of those would make it much more promising.

[ICant]

I just wanted to offer you love and support. Reading through your post sounded very familiar to me except add 10 years to it. We met when I was 28, married at 30, two children. Blind drunk driving me to the hospital for the first labour, the physical violence after the first was born. Things getting better so I felt safe to have another child and then things got worse. I made plans to leave and he quit drinking. He is in recovery now (9 months sober). I'm in Al-Anon. Sometimes I post things are fantastic. Sometimes I just wish I had kept walking. It's hard because something triggers me and I remember 'those nights' where I wished I was dead or he would die. I don't know myself what I want. Good luck with figuring it out.

[huntsober]

Very nice read...I am sorry for your pain and the level of pain your willing to go through. I cound not help noticing the date of your post 9/23. On that day I was 14 days and 25 years clean and sober. I pray for your kids and you. As for your husband ...he will get sober or died...thats the only other choices left. Bless you ....this disease is strong. The only intervention is spritual in nature. Recovery is done from within not outside us. Its a inside job. I am speechless....god be with you

[Wolfchild]

How have things been going for you kotabear?

[kotabear]

I've been busy with harvest at work.

My x left rehab 4 weeks ago, by the 3rd week he drink and got kicked out of his sister's... he had to be out of rehab 30 days before returning, with no money and no place to go, I let him stay with me, and took his keys for that week, it was a wonderful week.... he never went back to rehab, he asked for his keys one day to go get his motorcycle put up at his sisters... he was drunk when I got home. the next day he left..... this is today......

15.00 dollars in gas to make it from Carthage, to Quincy, back to home.

18.26 dollars in food at McDonalds to feed the kids, myself and G.

Seeing a ring on my X's finger that was from his x-girlfriend, and I believing he is lying about just finding it on his key change, priceless yet again.

G. had asked me over the weekend if it would be possible for me to bring the girls down to see him in Quincy.... where he has got a voucher from the salvation army to stay in the run down part of the Days Inn, for 30 days while looking for a job.

I called him yesterday morning to see if Monday night would work, since I didn't have to work late. In the afternoon, he wanted me to bring his food license so he could apply for a chef job (which I think is so funny, cause if you ever seen how sanitize he is after he's done cooking at home, he sure needs more classes) Let's just say keeping the cooked chicken in the microwave after eating over night, is not right, it needs to go in the fridge. He also wanted his gold clubs to pawn, and some piddle **** that I didn't bother with.

Last night I, yes I, ruined the night!!!! We arrived at the roach motel, and went in, told G that his golf clubs where in the back of the truck, when he came back in from getting them, I seen something on his finger. It was a ring. The very ring, that was such a big deal to give back to his girlfriend before he left for rehab, the ring they thought I stole off of his dresses, in turn it was daughter and she had put it in her barbie purse. I said how did you get that????? He said oh I found it on my key chain. I said well that's funny cause the week you stayed with me, I kept your keys from you and I never seen it, he reply's yeah I know... I totally forgot about it to!!!

I looked at him, and said your lying!!!

We took the kids to McDonalds, where they ate and played and I'm sure they had a wonderful time. I sat and listened to how much money he had, what his plans where for looking for jobs, and what ever other bullshit he kept talking about. I kept trying not to cry, but they would fall out every once in a while. I had found a cross at linni's in the bath rub, and I held that in my hand tight, trying to think of my cousin... and you know who you are!!! and thinking, god how does he do it!?!?

Course, G just kept on talking and I really was having a hard time being there, he told me how I was being a fool, and thinking of stuff in my head, that he found it on his key chain. That if I loved him so much, that I shouldn't hide him from my family and to let him live back with me and love him for who he is. That I don't love him, I just love the idea of him. I do love him as a person, the sober person he is, he's a dry drunk at this time, even though he told me he went out saturday with a guy that he went to school, and had a couple a couple of beers. In conversation it was let out that the guy and the old girlfriend run around in the same circle. Hmmmm

So he's story last night, was he found the ring... on the key chain.... that for the past 4 weeks of leaving rehab, living with his sister, and then with me, he never even noticed, and neither did I when I had his keys IN MY PURSE, and IN MY TRUCK that the ******* ring was on there.... Funny ******* thing!!!! Layla your just being ridiculous!!!! Your ruining the night over a ******* ring!!!!!

Ok so the whole point of the night was for him to see the girls.... so for the past hour, you have been sitting in mcdonalds telling me about what YOU are going to do, not playing with the kids, and to your 20 comments about yourself, 2 about the girls.

I feel SO used last night and SO lied to. It hurts SO much. He told me if you don't want me layla and don't care about me, you need to let me go! Well I do realize that I have to let go of him, to let him live his life the way he wants it to, which I'm sure is with booze, and woman. It just hurts, to work and take care of the girls, to see him like last night, and know how nice it is for him to be part of the family we intend, yet not to have a "contract" with him, to say I love you guys more then life it's self, that I have hit bottom, and I will do anything possible never to drink and get anger again.

If I didn't care about him, I after I divorced him a year ago, I would have not taking the girls to see him rehab, with drawn the domestic abuse charges, and taken them 50 miles on my red checkbook to see him...... but I'm the fool, cause I made a big deal about him and his little ring.

I know I've said this for the past 3 years.... but I've got to let go!!! I can't talk to him..... I can't commit to anything that he wants even if it involves the girls, cause at this point it would just make me fall back to far! The girls will wonder where daddy is, and I'm sure when he get's a job, and a place he'll be asking for his weekends, and he'll buy them things..... yada yada..... and I'll be Layla, and life will go on.......the way god intended it. With me not with the man I had thought I'd married... or I guess had hoped I married. I know I've got to be strong to be stable for the girls, cause that's what is important! That is my taking action in the situation.

And who knows maybe I'm wrong about the whole ring thing.... but after 10 years of hearing, no I haven't been drinking, to find the fifth of kessler's in the freezer the next morning... it's hard to believe when the truth may be told. To believe "his truth" as well would only just hurt me more later down the rode, when my gut feelings had told me long ago that my truth was what really was going on.

Ok have a good day!
Take care, and thanks for letting me vent!