Question. Existing Relationship in 1st Year - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Love22 · 09-15-2009, 08:22 PM

If the gentleman who I am/was dating and I (who is currently a bit over 100 days sober) were dating before he went into AA. And, I (who does not drink, never did drink or drug) am the one who encouraged him going into AA in addition to being a positive, supportive influence ... is it odd that my significant other's sponsor would, still, tell him to not be in a relationship with me for his first year in the program? Evidentally, his sponsor told him he focused way too much on our relationship and if I were to change my mind about the relationship, etc etc ... it could very well compromise his sobriety. In the meantime, he needs to be spending that time on himself and his steps opposed to on the relationship. Of course, I totally understand this... but I still need/want/would like to know if this makes sense by the program's standards...

**Cynay** · 09-15-2009, 09:30 PM

Welcome to SR.... Glad to meet you.

It is my understanding of the program that there be no major changes in the first year if possible. If your in a relationship do not just go end it and if your not in a relationship dont start one.

Sometimes when a person enters recovery they go through a period of time that they are so focused on AA and the people in AA that relationships suffer big time. They dont want to work through the issues caused by their drinking with their spouse and find it much easier to start a new relationship with someone who "gets" them. This is perhaps the reason they suggest not ending the relationship in the first year.

Why not to start one is pretty clear ....

People will change SO much In that first year and he would not be the first or the last to take a drink over a relationship. HOWEVER, it is also my understanding that what a sponsor suggest is just that.... a suggestion. They do not demand..... One thing I will say from my experience is that the first year is hell and they do tend to keep all their focus on their sobriety.... it is not a fun time to be in the relationship but ... he is the only person responsible for his sobriety....

you can not "make" him drink, His soberity is all on him, not you. Stick around and check out the other forms... Friends and Family of Alcoholics could be a great resource too.

preta · 09-15-2009, 09:35 PM

By the programs standards, no. There is nothing in the Alcoholics Anonymous big book describing how people cannot be in a relationship in the first year, etc. The program of AA comes from this book.
There is a trend in AA that people should not be involved in a relationship in the first year, but I think the idea is that newcomers shouldnt be sniffing around other newcomers or running around places trying to meet women. If you're already in an established relationship, and your supportive of him - even in the awful state he's probably in - I see no reason for a sponsor to stick his nose where it doesnt belong.
The duty of a sponsor is to share his experience with alcoholism, and to walk the newcomer through the big book and the twelve steps. Thats it! Sometimes sponsors try to micromanage their sponsees, and IMO this is often a power trip.
So let me get off my soap box before I get in trouble...

**Cynay** · 09-15-2009, 10:10 PM

Love22

I just read the post that you wote on the 9th....

I know that you say you are not co-dependent but perhaps you might take a closer look at why you want this relationship so much. I do understand deeply loving an Alcoholic, but I hear alot of red flags in your post, especially about the cheating...

It sounds like you have been on and off for most of the time, you could always check out some al-anon meetings and get some ideas. You know if it was ment to be, it will be there in a year.... and it would not harm anyone to take that time to let him work on himself and for you to get a good understanding of what living with an alcoholic is about... because even if he remains sober, he will always be an alcoholic.

Love22 · 09-17-2009, 01:10 PM

Preta... that is the feeling I get in this situation, as well. It's almost as if he (the sponsor) is jealous that there is an equally as supportive person in his life. It's rather odd, but I always stay quiet... on the sidelines... My other half? (I really do not know what to refer to him as, these days) is sober for the first time since he was 14/15 years old and he is 32. It is all very confusing to him and I don't say anything as I don't believe he needs to have more on him than he already does. Additionally... I don't really have the time to spend on it... I barely have the time to write this paragraph. I simply feel sorry for him... as I know how much he loves me and I/him... but he is an adult and HAS to start making his own decisions. Although, I'm not quite sure if this was, exactly, his decision...

Tis life. No guarantees.

keithj · 09-18-2009, 11:16 AM

Love22,

Preta is correct in the function of a sponsor. The most I would ever suggest to a guy I'm working with in early recovery is that they not let a relationship sidetrack the recovery work.

I find many helpful suggestions (spiritual directions) contained in the To Wives chapter of AA's Big Book. It may give you some ideas on spiritually sound ways of interacting with an alcoholic, so that you keep your sanity in this process.

justanothrdrunk · 09-18-2009, 11:21 AM

Well...

I had been married nearly 15 years before my last time in treatment. By that logic (said sponsor's logic), I should have divorced my wife when newly in recovery. I'm glad I didn't. Our marriage was still intact, we had/have a young son who is now 4, and divorcing would have put undue burden on me, my wife, and my son.

My understanding (as others have said) is no major life changes in the first year, including no NEW relationships. Existing relationships don't fall into that category. I will say that existing, toxic relationships may need to be evaluated for a different reason. Not suggesting your relationship is toxic. In addition, severing an existing relationship can go against the sentiment of no changes as that would be a change.

I'll also add that I hear of this kind of thing a lot. Sometimes recommendations can get sort of mixed up as they are passed on from sponsor to sponsee and so on.

Wolfchild · 10-18-2009, 08:19 AM

How are things working out for you Love22?

09-15-2009, 08:22 PM	#1 (permalink)
Love22 Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Jacksonville, Florida Posts: 3	Question. Existing Relationship in 1st Year If the gentleman who I am/was dating and I (who is currently a bit over 100 days sober) were dating before he went into AA. And, I (who does not drink, never did drink or drug) am the one who encouraged him going into AA in addition to being a positive, supportive influence ... is it odd that my significant other's sponsor would, still, tell him to not be in a relationship with me for his first year in the program? Evidentally, his sponsor told him he focused way too much on our relationship and if I were to change my mind about the relationship, etc etc ... it could very well compromise his sobriety. In the meantime, he needs to be spending that time on himself and his steps opposed to on the relationship. Of course, I totally understand this... but I still need/want/would like to know if this makes sense by the program's standards...

09-15-2009, 09:30 PM	#2 (permalink)
Cynay Forum Leader Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Phoenix, AZ Posts: 3,795	Welcome to SR.... Glad to meet you. It is my understanding of the program that there be no major changes in the first year if possible. If your in a relationship do not just go end it and if your not in a relationship dont start one. Sometimes when a person enters recovery they go through a period of time that they are so focused on AA and the people in AA that relationships suffer big time. They dont want to work through the issues caused by their drinking with their spouse and find it much easier to start a new relationship with someone who "gets" them. This is perhaps the reason they suggest not ending the relationship in the first year. Why not to start one is pretty clear .... People will change SO much In that first year and he would not be the first or the last to take a drink over a relationship. HOWEVER, it is also my understanding that what a sponsor suggest is just that.... a suggestion. They do not demand..... One thing I will say from my experience is that the first year is hell and they do tend to keep all their focus on their sobriety.... it is not a fun time to be in the relationship but ... he is the only person responsible for his sobriety.... you can not "make" him drink, His soberity is all on him, not you. Stick around and check out the other forms... Friends and Family of Alcoholics could be a great resource too. __________________ Cynay "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." Harvey Fierstein

09-15-2009, 10:10 PM	#4 (permalink)
Cynay Forum Leader Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Phoenix, AZ Posts: 3,795	Love22 I just read the post that you wote on the 9th.... I know that you say you are not co-dependent but perhaps you might take a closer look at why you want this relationship so much. I do understand deeply loving an Alcoholic, but I hear alot of red flags in your post, especially about the cheating... It sounds like you have been on and off for most of the time, you could always check out some al-anon meetings and get some ideas. You know if it was ment to be, it will be there in a year.... and it would not harm anyone to take that time to let him work on himself and for you to get a good understanding of what living with an alcoholic is about... because even if he remains sober, he will always be an alcoholic. __________________ Cynay "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." Harvey Fierstein

10-18-2009, 08:19 AM	#8 (permalink)
Wolfchild Disposable Hero Air Attack 2 Champion! Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Being, ME Posts: 3,236 Blog Entries: 3	How are things working out for you Love22? __________________ Any clean addict is a miracle and keeping the miracle alive is an ongoing process of awareness, surrender, and growth

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09-15-2009, 09:35 PM	#3 (permalink)
preta Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: rochester ny Posts: 29	By the programs standards, no. There is nothing in the Alcoholics Anonymous big book describing how people cannot be in a relationship in the first year, etc. The program of AA comes from this book. There is a trend in AA that people should not be involved in a relationship in the first year, but I think the idea is that newcomers shouldnt be sniffing around other newcomers or running around places trying to meet women. If you're already in an established relationship, and your supportive of him - even in the awful state he's probably in - I see no reason for a sponsor to stick his nose where it doesnt belong. The duty of a sponsor is to share his experience with alcoholism, and to walk the newcomer through the big book and the twelve steps. Thats it! Sometimes sponsors try to micromanage their sponsees, and IMO this is often a power trip. So let me get off my soap box before I get in trouble...

09-17-2009, 01:10 PM	#5 (permalink)
Love22 Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Jacksonville, Florida Posts: 3	Preta... that is the feeling I get in this situation, as well. It's almost as if he (the sponsor) is jealous that there is an equally as supportive person in his life. It's rather odd, but I always stay quiet... on the sidelines... My other half? (I really do not know what to refer to him as, these days) is sober for the first time since he was 14/15 years old and he is 32. It is all very confusing to him and I don't say anything as I don't believe he needs to have more on him than he already does. Additionally... I don't really have the time to spend on it... I barely have the time to write this paragraph. I simply feel sorry for him... as I know how much he loves me and I/him... but he is an adult and HAS to start making his own decisions. Although, I'm not quite sure if this was, exactly, his decision... Tis life. No guarantees.

09-18-2009, 11:16 AM	#6 (permalink)
keithj Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 973	Love22, Preta is correct in the function of a sponsor. The most I would ever suggest to a guy I'm working with in early recovery is that they not let a relationship sidetrack the recovery work. I find many helpful suggestions (spiritual directions) contained in the To Wives chapter of AA's Big Book. It may give you some ideas on spiritually sound ways of interacting with an alcoholic, so that you keep your sanity in this process.

09-18-2009, 11:21 AM	#7 (permalink)
justanothrdrunk Retired Pro Drunk Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Saint Paul, MN Posts: 782	Well... I had been married nearly 15 years before my last time in treatment. By that logic (said sponsor's logic), I should have divorced my wife when newly in recovery. I'm glad I didn't. Our marriage was still intact, we had/have a young son who is now 4, and divorcing would have put undue burden on me, my wife, and my son. My understanding (as others have said) is no major life changes in the first year, including no NEW relationships. Existing relationships don't fall into that category. I will say that existing, toxic relationships may need to be evaluated for a different reason. Not suggesting your relationship is toxic. In addition, severing an existing relationship can go against the sentiment of no changes as that would be a change. I'll also add that I hear of this kind of thing a lot. Sometimes recommendations can get sort of mixed up as they are passed on from sponsor to sponsee and so on.

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