Too late for me, but still need advice

[Inquisitive7]

Hello everyone,

This post is probably too late for me as I already broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years, but I want this information in case I run into someone with addictions again.

I have really been lost in regard to him and things that went on in our relationship. First off, he admitted having addiction problems from adolescence (he is currently 45) at the beginning of the relationship and was in a harm reduction mode. I asked him then if he had ever gotten professional help for additions and he said no, that he just reduced on his own. I have never had drug and alcohol problems in my family or with myself and had never dated anyone who had these issues, so I really didn't know how to deal with this.

At the time I met him, he was using pot once a week (down from daily usage) and was drinking everyday 2-3 glasses of wine. But he had no problem drinking more at times. He never acted drunk when he drank more. The pot use become an issue even though he wasn't using as much (by the time we broke up, he said he was hardly using pot). He used to totally blame me for how I reacted, how I said it changed him, he said I overreacted. He never apologized for coming over when high when we were supposed to have our alone quality time. The subject of his use was tense and sort of a taboo subject.

In general, he was a loving father of 2 kids and was stable in his job. He was a very sweet man in many ways,. But things that contributed greatly to us breaking up are:

- He was passive aggressive and never shared his deeper thoughts and feelings. I felt like he was in the relationship with himself and his thoughts about how the relationship SHOULD be, not how it was.
- He was very reactive to issues I would bring up in the relationship (e.g. wanting increased emotional intimacy, asking for basic respect)
- Had distorted thoughts - e.g., he would engage in all or nothing thing
- Lack of empathizing with me and seeing things from my perspective...He was discounting and disrespectful of my feelings. He was sort of narcissistic, even though his personality wasn't.
- He was very impulsive - he never allowed me to be alone and sort out my thoughts after an argument - he always had some excuse to call or write me...never left me be with my own thoughts and feelings.
- He was insecure and wanted a commitment from me soon after dating...said he loved me after 3 weeks, talked of moving in with him after 4 months. He always kept thinking I was ready to break up with him just for bringing up issues and seeing if we were compatible.

These are most of them, but there are more. I always felt like he misinterpreted a lot of what I was trying to convey to him. I very rarely got angry with him; I always was explaining and constantly rephrasing for him to understand concepts I was talking about that my other friends all understood. I seriously thought on a few occasions he had brain damage or something.

Anyway, this post has gotten too long, but I am still trying to understand the things he said or did that might be addiction related. Does any of this sound familiar to all of you?

Thank you so much in advance.

[suki44883]

Many people who are insecure tend to overcompensate and come across as overbearing or narcissistic and sometimes, even control freaks. This is something that is deep down inside them and not in any way your fault, or caused by anything you did. Drinking or using drugs is just a way for them to cope with their own demons. Until they get help for the underlying cause of their addictions, they are pretty much going to continue acting as they currently do. You will drive yourself mad trying to understand them. It's best to take care of yourself and let them decide when and if to get help for themselves. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but keep taking care of you and don't let the next guy push you into something that you really aren't ready or suited for.

[Inquisitive7]

Thanks for your reply, suki44883....going through this forum I realize there are a lot of threads with a similar subject "help, dating someone with addictions" - hahaha - so thanks for responding. Everyone probably gets tired of these posts. I have read some of those posts to help answer some of my question.

Still, I am wondering from you or others if the behaviors I listed out are directly related to addictions or some are just personality traits - maybe it is hard to separate the two out though.

I tried to be as understanding as I could with him. I did talk with him about his addictions, but always felt like I was walking on eggshells doing so. I was also fearful about where he was at in his recovery and would he relapse? He never understood how I felt coming as someone outside the arena of addiction. It was very scary to me to feel like my emotional investment in him could totally be obliterated at any moment.

[URMYEVERYTHING]

Originally Posted by Inquisitive7

Still, I am wondering from you or others if the behaviors I listed out are directly related to addictions or some are just personality traits - maybe it is hard to separate the two out though.

.

Someone in active addiction can act in the same way as someone with a personality disorder. Addiction changes one personality from what they use to be sober (caring, trusting, loving, etc.) to a completely different person.

I can say that if he's using substance regularly then more than likely his behavior may be contributed to the drug use. Remember, an addict will always under report what he's using. So 1-2 joints once a week equates to 1-2 joints 4x a week.

If not, then it doesn't sound like a stellar man to be with or without addiction int he picture.

[Inquisitive7]

@URMYEVERYTHING
Yes, in my mind, I mostly doubled the amount he was telling me he was using. However, the more secure he felt in the relationship, the more I noticed his usage drop of both substances. I know this because I used to talk with him daily in the evening and knew he wasn't high. He was also active in his kids sports...he was just too busy. He held down a job during the day and I know he didn't use then. It was obvious when he was high, whereas the alcohol didn't affect him much. The only time he could have used was when he saw his friends for happy hour after work or after the kids went to bed. I sometimes wonder if you are correct though because his emotions were so erratic sometimes and I wondered if this was a sign he was using.

In any event, I always felt like I was in the dark....like he wasn't sharing where he was at with his recovery. He got mostly defensive or at the very least, uncomfortable. I also knew those with addiction lied a lot, so that played on my mind too.

Yes, he did exhibit traits of a personality disorder...I imagine this could be due to damage to brain from years of use and/or a sign of continued use. I just never knew what was going on, I always felt in the dark.