Recovery marriage stress

[hps]

Hi,

I was hoping for feedback on my current situation:
Alcoholic, married 11 years, sober 1 year, 2 kids. Out of a job nine months.

Since sobriety, my wife has been quite angry with me and is now reevaluating our relationship. Issues include:
A) why didn't I get sober earlier
B) I'm not what she expected sober, maybe I'm just a nasty person
C) At least I used to be a provider, but now I've failed at even that.
D) She's been depressed, but her depression lifted when the counsellor suggested she consider divorce.
E) due to the financial stress, we have considered selling the family house, and may still have to. This would be a good opportunity for us to part ways.
F) she's suffered enough with raising kids and my alcoholism, she wants the next phase of her life to be different.

We saw a relationship counsellor, who thought she couldn't help: my wife needed to work through her anger and decide whether to forgive me, while I needed to continue working on my recovery and also get my confidence back through a job.

I haven't quite accepted this situation, as I feel my life is falling apart (lost the job, and may be on track to lose wife, kids, house).

There's a lot I can't do about the situation, and I think even if I do the right thing (whatever that is), the dreaded prospect of losing everything is still a possibility.

I'm taking actions on the job front (with no result), and am continuing to work on my recovery, but I don't know what to do on the marriage front, outside of being patient hoping for the best (whilst dreading the worst).

Any suggestions?

[URMYEVERYTHING]

I think you said it best... she has to recover from the anger and hurt she suffered from your addiction. If she cannot do that... it may hinder the both of you to continue.

Is a seperation possible rather than a divorce?

Unfortunately, this is what happens with addiction. It tears families apart and this is a consequence you are probably learning while in recovery.

I wish you luck. Keep us posted.

[ajangels2]

hps... you are writing my story. Gosh I wonder how many of us are in the same boat? First of all..thanks for posting this issue in your life. My RAH is my qualifier. He has been unemployed since December 2008. He's been sober for 8 or 9 months now.

1. you are not what she expected sober, maybe you are just a nasty person... I can't tell you how many times I've thought that about my RAH. He is moody, agitated, angry, and can flip on me at the drop of a hat.
2. At least you used to be a provider and now you have failed at that... well I can't tell you how many times my RAH has said this to me. His job was phased out and since then he has not found anything. He applies for jobs but so many others apply for the same job. He is currently taking care of our year old son during the day saving us daycare costs. He's going crazy... I have been angry at him too for all the junk that he's put us through. DUI's, money gone, irresponsible behavior, etc. etc. We had to have the serious conversation of me coming to a place of forgiveness and letting it go because me holding it over his head was causing more damage to our marriage and our family. We are working towards filing bankruptcy and foreclosure on the condo. Essentially, yes this would be a good time for me to start over and don't think I haven't thought on it. Give your wife some time to sort this out... lift her up in prayer that her HP will help her come to a place of forgiveness. A lifetime of grudges and anger will not bring her peace whether she is separated from you or not. She needs peace just like you do.

Don't beat yourself up hps you are still going through recovery of this disease and work will eventually present itself at the right time, keep looking and keep sending out applications and resumes something will eventually pop up. Keep working your program. I tell my husband this everyday.. I tell him to try and find the joy in where he is now because if his attitude could change just a bit he'd be the best stay at home daddy there was for right now... not forever but just for a season. Best wishes to you all.

AJ

[Cynay]

HPS.... Im so sorry your going through all this....

I want to take a moment to introduce myself.... I am your wife, well I use to be your wife anyway. It has taken me so much time, therapy, Al-anon meetings, CoDA meetings and even AA meetings to work throught all this.... I do however remember all those huge anger issues.

One thing that you will have to come to an acceptance about is that there is always the possibility that your marriage will not work out. I will say that when I was in the relationship with the active alcoholic I was just a deeply sick as he was, you have to know that there is a reason why I choose (and most of my life) to date and marry alcoholics.... When the dymanics of the relationship changed or when the disease got to be too much to live with... I left to find my next alcoholic. Now dont get me wrong... I had every reason in the world to be angry about what happened in the years that I live with my Ex-AH and Im sure there are reasons why your wife feels like she does.... BUT... Im also saying I played a part in that dance. It is hard to recover a relationship under these conditions... but it can be done.

my honest thought here is that she is going to have to make up her mind if she really does want to try and save this marriage.... and just to put this out there .... Is this the person you want to stay with, sometimes when one of a couple find recovery.... there is nothing left in the relationship to fix and the other person might not be the best person for you... just a thought.

But if you do want to I can tell you what helped me .... I started attending Al-anon meeting twice a week and one AA meeting a week. Al-anon helped be become sane again and AA gave me some compassion and understanding of the disease.... and you keeping your focus on your recovery and growth.

That is what has worked for me, but if both are not 100% committed .... just remember you can not force a person to do anything, the first step is what helps me with this....

I wish you all the best!!!

[Astro]

Originally Posted by hps

my wife needed to work through her anger and decide whether to forgive me, while I needed to continue working on my recovery and also get my confidence back through a job.

I feel my life is falling apart (lost the job, and may be on track to lose wife, kids, house).

There's a lot I can't do about the situation, and I think even if I do the right thing (whatever that is), the dreaded prospect of losing everything is still a possibility.

I don't know what to do on the marriage front

I hope you don't mind me chopping up your post into quotes, nothing personal, I just have an easier time digesting things in small chunks

Wow, where do I start, you shared so much of the same thoughts that were racing, errr make that tearing, my mind apart in early recovery. You mentioned you had a year of sobriety, but didn't mention if you were active in a recovery program (?) so I'm curious about that.

I did lose my wife and marriage in early sobriety, walked away from my job for a few weeks in a fruitless attempt to "find myself and get answers", got kicked out of the home we shared, lost the right to see my kids 24/7, scratched the dogs behind the ears one last time, etc., you get the picture. One thought I carry around with me is that I didn't lose anything, I gave those things away every time I made the decision to pick up a drink, and looking back I have a pretty clear idea of why she wasn't happy about me not sobering up sooner, and why she was in such a hurry to move on with the next phase of her life.

I'm active in AA and CoDA, I've taken the Steps and practice them, and of the many things it's taught me.....I'm powerless over alcohol.....I'm powerless over the wreckage I created in my marriage.....but there is a solution. For me it lies in my programs of recovery and the 12 Steps, but there are many other resources available for anyone who has the desire to recover and go on to live an incredibly rich and rewarding life.

Job or no job, wife or no wife, home or no home, you may have to "lose" or "give away" just about everything. Remember the paradoxes...we die to live, we give away to keep. I can't help but think of God's will for me now. I feel like my purpose is to be a loving, caring, and supportive father, fiance, and friend. God will show me everything else.

I can't tell you what's best for your marriage, but I would suggest you focus on your recovery and allow your wife to focus on hers. I know it's not easy, but cease fighting everything, and your life and world will slowly open up to limitless possibilities.

[SlvrMag]

After I became clean, I went through a divorce, lost my job, lost my car to reposession and my kids are no longer with me. Some people feel that just becoming clean and/or sober should make life instantly better, that's what I thought would happen! Even though life has been so hard, I still hang on tight and know that I am clean and whatever life brings me I can deal with it head-on...so can you!

[hps]

Thanks URMYEVERYTHING, ajangels2, Cynay, Astro, and SlvrMag for your responses.

I'm almost ok with things slipping away for me, it's stressful and draining but manageable. But I worry that in the future, I'll be regretting my current actions or inactions. At least by putting my plight out to this forum it helps me think that at the moment I am doing what I can.

Astro: I am in a recovery program, in that I attend AA meetings regularly, have a sponsor, work the steps. Although I'm stuck at Step 8 or Step 9, since on the amends front my wife is the biggest amend by far. Along your lines of "giving away to keep", I think it is possible my wife has to detach more from me (and I have to let her detach) before she is able to reattach, given my changed (i.e. sober) circumstances. Kids complicate the equation, however.

SlvrMag: Thanks for the support, I agree with you and often tell myself that I am much better able to handle my current problems by staying sober.

Cynay: I reached acceptance that my marriage may not work out when I was actively drinking. At the time she stayed for her own reasons, and now she may leave again for her own reasons (which may be that she is more comfortable being with an alcoholic, in which case it would be better for us to separate). She did go to an Al-anon meeting & didn't find it helpful.

ajangels: I do find praying for her helpful, especially when I am frustrated and don't know what else to do. I managed to get her to see a counsellor about her anger; I think talking to the counsellor is what has kicked off her life reassessment.

URMYEVERYTHING: she has only mentioned separation to me (though her counsellor discussed divorce options with her).

[Cynay]

since on the amends front my wife is the biggest amend by far.

Sometimes all you can do is say your sorry and then make a livings amends. I had to do that with my daughter because she has heard "Im sorry" too many times to believe it.

One al-anon meeting would have scared me away.... I hated al-anon when I first started.... it took me about 3 months of going to finally think... hurmm maybe they do have something I want and then it took me about 9 months to START figuring out what they were about. When it was suggested I attend an al-anon meeting... my first thought was "screw him" he is the one with the problem, Im not wasting my time going to meetings cuz of his problem.

Today Im very happily engaged to a recovering alcoholic. He could relasp and sometimes he slips into "stinkin thinkin" .... today I can say not often but during the beginning of our relationship it was VERY hard... I met my fiance when he was just over a year sober... I do understand that we are only given today.... tommrow could be different and I can also honestly tell you that without my working a strong program in CoDA .... I would not be able to keep my senerity .... I would not have gotten to the place I am today....

And believe me when I say... I live a life that is better then anything I had imagined.

[Wolfchild]

How's it been going for you lately hps?