Maintaining A Relationship While Recovering

[URMYEVERYTHING]

Hello All,
I need some feedback from some of you out there that may be in the similiar situation. Just briefly, my RBF and I met in March 2008 and have been dating since then. When we met, he was sober with 5 years clean. He told me, on our first date actually, that he was in recovery and that his DOC was Heroin. I admired him for this amungst other qualities. Well, we maintained a good relationship with each other until he relapsed in November 2008. Since then it has been a downward spiral of events. In the midst of him trying to get drugs, he was pulled over and taken into jail for a VOP that he did not handle from 10 years ago. He served 6 months and was released in July 2009. Well, we had a good month until he relapsed in August, using 1 week until I caught him and kicked him out of the house. He has been in rehab since August 19th.

Just to give you some background as well, yes, I have set up boundaries and yes I go to meetings, read books on addiction and I'm a therapist who works with adolescents who suffer co-morbid disorders. So, I know what I need to do in reference to setting up boundaries and taking care of myself and my son.

I guess, my question is what are your experiences in maintaining a relationship after you have already been dating for some time? I know they say no new relationships within your first year of sobriety but this is obviously a relationship we started prior to his relapses and while he was in sobriety. WE both want to remain together and he has signed us up for family therapy to work through the relapse behaviors, anger, etc., etc.

Any feedback would help. I had a rough day on if I should stay or not. He is working his program, his counselor gives me good feedback on him, he keeps in touch through letters, he has accepted the work that he needs to put into his recovery and is doing very well.

I, on the other hand, struggle day to day with missing him. I also wanted to know what support can I be to him at this time. Where does our relationship stand? This is weird. Definately not a typical relationship (if there ever is one).

Oh, to add, you will probably ask me what attracted me to this man. Well, he was employed as a counselor, had his own place, his own car, responsible, good credit (at that time after years of rebuilding it), his co-workers respected him, his upfront honesty and his loving nature. I was able to experience all of this with him and in 2 months it was all gone. I know there is a thing called fantasy thinking... but.... I was able to experience part of that fantasy and boy, do I miss that man. I guess I am praying that he returns and I do believe in hope and prayer.

[Cynay]

You have been dating how long???

How much of that time was he the man you fell in love with and then how much of that time having you been trying to get back to the man you fell in love with?

[ajangels2]

Good point Cynay... you all had 9 months together with him sober. My question is if he was really sober for 5 years prior to your relationship what happened that he chose to go back out and use? Was he really sober for that long or was that an embellishment he told you to make you feel better about dating an addict? Addicts can be very good liars and manipulators.

To stay or to go will be entirely up to what you know you can handle. If you are working harder at your program than he is at his you can be sure he's probably not done using yet. The best support you can be for him now is to stand out of his way and let him handle his addiction and get back on track. He may not be able to do that so easily now. So this can go either way and its completely his choice as to whether he can maintain sobriety or not. Your relationship with him will not look the same as it did when you first met especially if he was not completely honest with you about his recovery time. Do what is best for you and don't worry about how it will affect him...he has his own road to go down and it might be the wrong road for you and your son. Good luck.

AJ