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Old 09-08-2003, 07:06 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Seems Like he's always Mad!! (need some advice!)

I'll try & make this as short as I can, bare w/me I'm under alot of stress & just feel like I'm falling apart at the seems!
My bf is not always in the happiest of moods, he's usally negative. If I try to talk to him about something that is bothering me or that he's hurt me in some way, he always & I mean ALWAYS turns it around on me, he'll find something (& most of the time it's something really stupid, or totally outta the whole thing I'm talkiong about) he just always turns everything around on me!! He's never really had anything nice to say about me, to me, for me etc....he's ALWAYS on the defense!! (especially when I'm not even attacking him) If I try & talk to him about something that he done or said to have hurt my feelings, he'll immediatly get so mad at me, for even bringing it up! I feel like the more I tell him what hurts me, the more he goes outta his way to do so! Another thing is he'll tell my "family" some stuff about me, when I beleive that it's ok to tell someone something outta concern, BUT THERE ARE JUST SOME THINGS YOU JUST DON'T TELL TO FAMILY!!! Do ya'll know what I mean? Well, it's like he starts trouble for me, I don't trust him anymore, and I want to so bad, he's really not supportive of me. I don't talk to any of my "old" dope friends anymore, and now that I think about it, I really don't have not a 1 single person that I can call my friend, they were all dope-related!!! :cry:
I feel like he's taking his anger (what ever anger it is he holds inside him) all out on me.
Just an example~~~ I'll notice that he'll make a trip to the post office to mail some things he has to mail, but NEVER asks me if I need anything mailed (since he is going that way! There are alot of other things to, he's very selfish! As to me, "for example~~~when I'm doing laundry, I'm like a robot, I just do it, so what I'm saying is this...it would be like me picking out all his dirty clothes, and putting them off to the side for himself to do.. But I don't do that, Nor woulod I ever!!
can anyone tell me anything??? Thanks & I'm sorry if I'm making no since, there's just so much damage & so much crap I don't even know where to start~! I'm overwhelmed!! I stop focusing on my Life, I focus only on what he's doing, blah blah blah!!!
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Old 09-08-2003, 08:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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((((((((Butterfly))))))

I understand how you feel. I used to think it was my job to tell my husband when he wasn't doing something I didn't approve of or that hurt me. He would get very defensive and angry and complained that he could never do anything right. After a while, I realized that in my own way I was trying to change the way he thinks or does things, which would make anyone feel threatened. So then I had to start looking at why I was so upset and if I was asking him to do something that I should be doing for myself or asking him to change instead of accepting him as is.

I think that we should either choose to deal with them the way they are or choose not to. My husband has said to me that if he couldn't deal with me, he would just leave rather than ask me to change. I used to think it was a very harsh thing to say, but in his mind you can't make people change and you shouldn't ask them to. And I respect that b/c he has never asked me to be anyone other than who I am.

I'm not sure if this helps at all, but I know where you're coming from. Hang in there.

Hugs,
JG
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Old 09-08-2003, 09:27 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi Butterfly - I can relate to how you feel. I really can. My S.O. has a lot of the same behaviours and there was a time when I used to be hurt beyond words by the way he acted towards me. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't really about me, but about the way he felt about himself and his unwillingness/inability to look inside and deal with his own issues. Instead, he would point out every little thing that he thought was "wrong" with me. When I realized that it wasn't really about me at all is when his words started to have less power over me and the way I felt about myself. I'm not saying I'm a perfect person - we all have our faults - but when someone consistently brings you down and criticizes you, there's something really wrong with that picture. I made a decision to stop reacting to the things he would say - I realized that it takes two to play that game and I wasn't going to be a participant anymore. By not reacting to the things he said it became a one-sided game that he would have to play by himself, and even though it's hard not to react sometimes, it gets easier with practice. And he does it less and less as time goes on.

The next thing I had to do was to let go of expectations - ALL of them. This was hard too, but the less I expected, the less disappointed I would feel. It's normal to have expectations, especially the basic ones like respect and consideration, but if we make a choice to stay in these types of relationships then the only way to be in them without going crazy is to take control of ourselves - our reactions and our expectations. The miracle is that when I stopped expecting things is when I started to get them.

I can honestly say that by using these strategies that over time things have gotten much, much better, and as I change, he is changing too - little by little.

I am in early recovery, and he still uses. I too had no clean friends where we live now as everybody I knew was also a user. I felt so alone and isolated, just like you do now. After trying to do it alone and failing, I made a decision to start attending NA meetings to help me with my recovery, and I've started to get to know new people who are clean and who have much to teach me. I have a wonderful sponsor who I can talk to, not just about recovery, but also about the ordinary, day to day things in life and we are becoming friends. I've always been very shy around women, but there are one or two other women in the program who I am getting to know and who I hope to become good friends with. I'm not sure if you attend meetings or not, but if you don't I'd urge you to try it. You will get the support that you need for your recovery, and you will have the opportunity to meet people who are clean and sober and who really care about you and your life.

It's not easy, Butterfly. You can't change him or the way he behaves by asking him to, but you can change some things of your own it will have an affect on him and also the world around you.

Love and hugs.
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Old 10-02-2003, 01:59 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I recognize your situation so much

I can totaly relate to what your saying......all I can tell you....is that it's not about anything he say's it is.....it's not about you, the laundry the mail. It's about him, He's angry with himself. He's trying to avoid feelings.....about or with you....it's about him not you.
I live with a moody (active) (A) my husband,Oh how I can relate. It is very hard not to take it personaly.....cause it hurts.....nobody has the right to verbaly abuse sombodyelse. Unfortunatly the same rule applies over and over.....we can't control,fix,change anyones elses behavour. we can however decide that We don't deserve to be used meanly...

It's funny that I came across this bullitin today, because I was going to write a bulliten about the affects of the verbal abuse, It has a real affect on me...I try to block it out, and I know that it's not really about me...and I try not to let him push any buttons. But it hurts.....it hurts like hell......to be the target of someones angery words. I was feeling down today because of it...and My self image, self esteem.....has really been affected. Theres a little part of me.....that believes what he say's to be true......
and thats my issue to work on(I am realizing)....but I tell ya......even the most sanist person is sure to be jolted. I ask you if your a Pear, and everyday someone yells at you telling you your a peach........maybe....you'll question it..... silly but....hey......it's all apples and oranges....
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Old 10-02-2003, 04:36 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I agree with Margo and Sally,

I live with the same thing. I try to let it roll off my back, somethimes tho it builds up and I have a hard time not throwing something. I do know that I must get out of this relationship. He won't change, we went to counseling for a year and it didn't help. He's happy with "status quo" yet keeps telling me how unimportant (verbally & non verbally) I am. So I tell him to get out if I am so awful. Then he says he loves me and doen't move out. Sometimes he agrees to leave, then doesn't.

All I know is that after 4 years I have seen my self esteem sink, my work fail, friends move on and my alcoholism increase.

I posted somewhere else a quote that I myself need to take heed and that is: if you have no goals or dreams your life will be about your problems.

for what its worth...

Carla
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Old 10-02-2003, 05:09 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Dear carla

Hello Carla

I know how hard it is, I know, believe me I know.
The only thing we can do is work on ourselves, It's our responsibility, it's our life. I too am still struggling with this. After spending almost 20 yrs with my A , and giving so much of myself. It is hard to find yourself again. And I know they won't leave...of course they won't leave, cause they have it just the way they want it. They made sure their needs were met. So it seems......So if you don't care about you.....really and sadly no one will. We have allowed people to treat us this way....so they do....and they will continue....why would they change........No need to.
I like your Quote....it's true very true....Iam just starting to look at my issues.....ME.....It ain't all pretty......I've allowed myself to get pretty messed up. And I don't think I'll ever have all the answers...and If I knew how to fix it -Damit I'd have fixed it long ago.....but every mountain is climbed with one step at a time . So today.....just for today.....I will.....take care of me..one day at a time.....one step at a time.....I'll set little goals....which may lead to big ones.....the important thing I find for myself is that I just keep stepping. Sometimes I stop..I get stuck....I fall back down.....But I notice Iam much happier when Iam stepping, working towards something......living.....for me....living my life....the only life I'll ever have.
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Old 10-03-2003, 05:56 AM   #7 (permalink)
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You go Margo!! I couldn't have said it better myself!! And it is so true!!!

Anyway I just wanted to say if Ward had been my boyfriend and not my husband he would have got the boot. Saving a marriage is one thing, dating a jerk is another.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 10-05-2003, 07:05 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I wanted to give a big hug to all of you, and especially to....

(((((((((((((JT)))))))))))))))) and (((((((((((Margo)))))))))))))))))

I love what you both shared



Love
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