Hello. I am new to soberrecovery. I do not drink nor do I do drugs... I've never been an addict. I'm not co-dependent. I am, however, in-love with someone who from the age of 15 has been active with drugs and alcohol. He is now 32 and 108 days sober. So awesome
We met in February of 2008. We began dating in July of 2008 and this is when his drug/alcohol problem was unveiled to me. Upon finding out, I was very aggressive about him entering himself into a program (AA/NA). He wouldn't. He said it was stupid, etc etc I was well aware that he would have to WANT IT ... for the program to actually work. This is an obvious, of course. I was so at a loss, because I saw/see so much in this person and love him dearly ... but didn't push it... his life/his decision. Eventually, I broke up with him due to his addiction and he moved away; back home with his parents. We didn't speak for some time (3 months) as he also went through a MAJOR episode at this time (he is bipolar). Then, we became friends and were just friends for many months. Then, he admitted to me one night that he was still very much inlove with me and wanted to try things again. He promised he was not drinking any longer. He hadn't been doing drugs for almost a year at this point. I believed him when he said he had stopped drinking and attending SMART meetings. I went to visit him. Things were great, truly great. Then, upon my arrival home, I found out he had been drinking. I was crushed as I knew I could not be with him if he was repeating the same behaviour and he was definitely doing just that. Big arguments happened (as they do in these situations, I am sure) and we broke up. I truly was "through"; as much as I loved him ... I am not going to live with or enable an alcoholic. He, then seeked out AA. Maybe it was for me at first (doesn't matter if it was or wasn't) but now... it is definitely for him. Thank God. At this point...We decided to stay together. We live in different cities, but have made it work. I can say this... we truly love one another. Still yet, he is sick and has a ways to go. We both know this, as well. I knew this when getting back with him. With this said, both of us are well aware a relationship in the first year is frowned upon.
About a month ago... He went to visit family. He wanted me to go with him... I could have, but didn't due to my responbilities at work... I am small business owner. He cheated on me while he was away. When he came back, after speaking with his sponsor about how he did just this... his sponsor told him not to hurt my feelings by telling me what happened, but to simply break it off with me and remain friends. <<---I learned this tid bit of information after the fact. At the time he was breaking up with me over the phone... (we live in different cities) .... He told me that he had only thought of me as a friend for some time. This simply crushed me. I told him I was confused because at many times in the relationship he (him/not me) had mentioned marriage. He said "I felt that way at one time, but I do not anymore." When he actually did this... I did not know for a fact that he had cheated on me, but I had my suspicions as his patterns of communicating while on vacation had changed with me. He TOLD me when breaking it off with me that I was the best friend he ever had, loved me more than anyone... but could not be in an appropriate relationship at this time... we needed to be friends. I told him that I couldn't do that... That I could not just be friends. Being friends did not meet my needs, but it was more that I had strong suspicions he had cheated on me. That was that. Again, I was done. We did not speak for over two weeks when we usually spoke every day... He tried to contact me over those two weeks... I would not respond. He finally reached out and broke down. He said what I am sure seems like the standard obvious thing to say in this situation, but he did sincerely mean it ... that he missed me more than he ever thought he could miss anyone/anything, that he lied when he told me that about just thinking of me as a friend and that he did not want to marry me... He also told me that he had fallen into a deep depression over the past two weeks and needed to come see me, be with me, etc... he told me that he did cheat on me and how horrible he felt about it ... and he doesn't really know why he did it ... maybe it was because he couldn't drink, he couldn't drug... but he was around it and so he had the same behaviour as he would when he was drinking/drugging... He apologized profusely and actually asked me to please be with him, again amongst many other things. I asked him if he had spoken with his sponsor. He said "No" and that his sponsor would probably fire him. This worried me... ALOT. A week passed... he was acting strange. I knew why... his sponsor (he's a good sponsor) had a big talk with him about re-entering the relationship. He told me that his sponsor sat him down for hours upon hours... then, he (the boyfriend) went into a 20 minute reason as to why. I already knew everything he was telling me. I am completely supportive of it... and my words to him were simply "I understand completely. Your sponsor is right. And if you are ever going to be the person you want to be and the type of person I want to be with... you need to do this."
Now ... what do I do?
Do I come off as a weak person for forgiving him when he cheated on me? Do I still talk with everytime he calls me (many times a day)? Is there some type of protocol to this that I may be missing?
09-09-2009, 09:59 PM
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