In A Relationship With A Man in Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

BLK07 · 08-17-2009, 10:12 AM

Hello everyone. I am just hoping to get some insight and opinions on my current situation.

I am currently dating a man who is actively in recovery. He has almost 6 months sober and is currently in a sober living house. He is doing very welll in his program, and has worked/is working all of his steps. He plans on staying at the house until he has at least 1 year clean, possibly longer depending on if he decides to become a house manager. He attends meetings daily, some days more than one.

A little background on me....I have been around the program for most of my life, as my father and many close friends have been in recovery. I have and do attend Ala-non meetings, and I am currently planning to work the steps myself. I am a "normal" who does not drink or use. Although I may not understand what it is to be an addict, I do understand the program.

I guess what I am looking for is some wisdom and insight on healthy ways of being in this relationship. I want his recovery to remain his number one focus, and I want to be as supportive as I can. Any insight/opinions/feedback would be great.

Thanks!

**Cynay** · 08-17-2009, 01:46 PM

Welcome, it's good to meet you and I will try to be gentle and explin my thoughts And views about this subject, I'm glad to hear you have some time around the program.

It has been my expedience that to start a relationship in the first year of recovery can be fatal to both of you.

Whatt do you think about being friends for the next six months or so? For me it was just not. A good way to start a relationship and I wish I had listened to my sponsor. I'm a Codie and started in alanon and to be very honest I was not ready to be in a relationship till After my first year and working my steps. What are your sponsors suggestions?

Most will tell you not to make any major changes in the first year, especially relationships and there is a really good reason for that. Relationship take two healthy and whole people and I have not personally met a healthy alcoholic that has only six months sober.

I'm not trying to be mean but if you really believe this guy could be the one, my thought would be give him and yourself the time and resources to actually stand a chance of making it. Even with my fiancé having 4 1/2 years and both of us working a strong program it's not an easy relationship. For me it is more then worth it, but not alway easy and relationships in recover have special issues.

justanothrdrunk · 08-17-2009, 02:16 PM

You're probably going to get some static about dating someone who has less than a year sober. So I'll skip that part.

The straight answer is, IMHO, treat him the same as you would anyone else.

anvilhead · 08-17-2009, 03:04 PM

BLK, this isn't directed AT you but what is with this NEED to SUPPORT THEM ANYWAY YOU CAN?????? IMHO it's the first codependent red flag......aka he NEEDS my help, he NEEDS my support, i have the power to screw up HIS recovery.

ok, sorry for the rant. how about just let the guy do his thing and don't buy him any bottles of Absolut?

go slow, dont' rush anything, live YOUR own life first, and give EACH of you room to breathe.

freya · 08-18-2009, 09:41 AM

The healthy way to be in any relationship is to take care of yourself. Working the Steps yourself is a great idea and a great place to start.

freya

BLK07 · 08-19-2009, 06:04 AM

Thank you all for you opinions and advice, it's exactly what I am looking for.

Yes, I know I would take static about dating in the first year of his recovery. His sponsor, although he may not believe it's a great idea, speaks openly to him about it and continues to keep his focus on the steps. My sponsor has just advised to take it slow.

I guess by saying I want to be as supportive as I can, I meant that I DONT want to engage in typical codie behavior. I am very, very aware that he does not need me, and that his recovery one way or another has nothing to do with me. I have learned this through my own program.

I will continue to work the steps, take care of me and make sure that things don't move too quickly between us. I do care greatly for him, and if that does mean taking a step back for 6 months, I would gladly do so.

Thank you again.

vegibean · 09-27-2009, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anvilhead

BLK, this isn't directed AT you but what is with this NEED to SUPPORT THEM ANYWAY YOU CAN?????? IMHO it's the first codependent red flag......aka he NEEDS my help, he NEEDS my support, i have the power to screw up HIS recovery.

ok, sorry for the rant. how about just let the guy do his thing and don't buy him any bottles of Absolut?

go slow, dont' rush anything, live YOUR own life first, and give EACH of you room to breathe.

Amen Anvil.

Wolfchild · 10-18-2009, 08:30 AM

How have things been going for you BLK07?

08-17-2009, 10:12 AM	#1 (permalink)
BLK07 Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 2	In A Relationship With A Man in Recovery Hello everyone. I am just hoping to get some insight and opinions on my current situation. I am currently dating a man who is actively in recovery. He has almost 6 months sober and is currently in a sober living house. He is doing very welll in his program, and has worked/is working all of his steps. He plans on staying at the house until he has at least 1 year clean, possibly longer depending on if he decides to become a house manager. He attends meetings daily, some days more than one. A little background on me....I have been around the program for most of my life, as my father and many close friends have been in recovery. I have and do attend Ala-non meetings, and I am currently planning to work the steps myself. I am a "normal" who does not drink or use. Although I may not understand what it is to be an addict, I do understand the program. I guess what I am looking for is some wisdom and insight on healthy ways of being in this relationship. I want his recovery to remain his number one focus, and I want to be as supportive as I can. Any insight/opinions/feedback would be great. Thanks!

08-17-2009, 01:46 PM	#2 (permalink)
Cynay Forum Leader Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Phoenix, AZ Posts: 3,795	Welcome, it's good to meet you and I will try to be gentle and explin my thoughts And views about this subject, I'm glad to hear you have some time around the program. It has been my expedience that to start a relationship in the first year of recovery can be fatal to both of you. Whatt do you think about being friends for the next six months or so? For me it was just not. A good way to start a relationship and I wish I had listened to my sponsor. I'm a Codie and started in alanon and to be very honest I was not ready to be in a relationship till After my first year and working my steps. What are your sponsors suggestions? Most will tell you not to make any major changes in the first year, especially relationships and there is a really good reason for that. Relationship take two healthy and whole people and I have not personally met a healthy alcoholic that has only six months sober. I'm not trying to be mean but if you really believe this guy could be the one, my thought would be give him and yourself the time and resources to actually stand a chance of making it. Even with my fiancé having 4 1/2 years and both of us working a strong program it's not an easy relationship. For me it is more then worth it, but not alway easy and relationships in recover have special issues. __________________ Cynay "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." Harvey Fierstein

08-18-2009, 09:41 AM	#5 (permalink)
freya ...all this, and brains, too! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 1,146	The healthy way to be in any relationship is to take care of yourself. Working the Steps yourself is a great idea and a great place to start. freya __________________ I never did give anybody hell; I just told the truth and they thought it was hell. -- Harry S. Truman

10-18-2009, 08:30 AM	#8 (permalink)
Wolfchild Disposable Hero Air Attack 2 Champion! Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Being, ME Posts: 3,243 Blog Entries: 3	How have things been going for you BLK07? __________________ Any clean addict is a miracle and keeping the miracle alive is an ongoing process of awareness, surrender, and growth

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08-17-2009, 02:16 PM	#3 (permalink)
justanothrdrunk Retired Pro Drunk Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Saint Paul, MN Posts: 782	You're probably going to get some static about dating someone who has less than a year sober. So I'll skip that part. The straight answer is, IMHO, treat him the same as you would anyone else.

08-17-2009, 03:04 PM	#4 (permalink)
anvilhead Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 10,007	BLK, this isn't directed AT you but what is with this NEED to SUPPORT THEM ANYWAY YOU CAN?????? IMHO it's the first codependent red flag......aka he NEEDS my help, he NEEDS my support, i have the power to screw up HIS recovery. ok, sorry for the rant. how about just let the guy do his thing and don't buy him any bottles of Absolut? go slow, dont' rush anything, live YOUR own life first, and give EACH of you room to breathe.

08-19-2009, 06:04 AM	#6 (permalink)
BLK07 Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 2	Thank you all for you opinions and advice, it's exactly what I am looking for. Yes, I know I would take static about dating in the first year of his recovery. His sponsor, although he may not believe it's a great idea, speaks openly to him about it and continues to keep his focus on the steps. My sponsor has just advised to take it slow. I guess by saying I want to be as supportive as I can, I meant that I DONT want to engage in typical codie behavior. I am very, very aware that he does not need me, and that his recovery one way or another has nothing to do with me. I have learned this through my own program. I will continue to work the steps, take care of me and make sure that things don't move too quickly between us. I do care greatly for him, and if that does mean taking a step back for 6 months, I would gladly do so. Thank you again.

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