My addict boyfriend passed....need to talk

[rachell]

My addict boyfriend of two years(i posted on this before ) passed two weeks ago. Anyone who is involved with an addict always thinks when they go out the door you may nver see them again, i thought it all the time...but ALWAYS saw him again so in a way i stopped worrying a little bit.....story is i loved him from a kid and got involved with him two years ago knowing he was an addict ... of course i thought maybe things could be differnt this time, he was an addict for six years at that stage...anyway we fell in love ... did a million cold turkeys, tried the methodone programme and six weeks ago he went into rehab for this millionth time....he was meant to stay for twelve weeks but he only stayed for four... i still thought maybe he can do it, so moved back in with me and after a week i suspected him of using and then another week later i asked him to leave, for a few days he was fine, i knew by his voice he was using...as in how he is with me...so i met him four days after i had asked him to leave as yet again i was going to give him another chance, the day i went to meet him he was blantinly on tablets and lighters in his pocket, so on that day i said ok enough now im done ... this is it(i had said that before he went to rehab and when he came out i asked if he was to use again to never phone me ..if he loved me hed leave me alone) and i said ;no im done now, he rang that night and told me he loved me and said he just wants me to be happy and asked me to meet him but i refused...something i never did,that was his last phonecall to me, (something he never did he would never not phone me when he went on a bender)... three days later he died from an overdose, i still am walking around like it hasnt happened but it has hit me more in the last couple of days ...i have so much guilt with it i shouldnt have asked him to leave and i think i should have said i know your using but i was just afraid that i could push him over the edge if i accused him in the wrong even though i was never wrong, i think i just wanted to believe so much he wasnt using and he;d get better, then sometimes i hate him and i know that sounds so bad and i cant believe im saying it but i feel why did he do this to his family and himself....and then i feel guilty as i know how much he struggled as i saw him battle with it, then i have a million questions as now i wonder was he ever sober with me, even when he was on methodone and we went away for five days he was sick for the last day and now i think he could of brought some over with him as he had done that on several other occasions (before i knew him) and then lastly i wonder if he ever loved me at all, did he just hang out with me all the time for just having someone around for when he was stoned, or when we moved in together ok he paid the rent but was that just to make his parents happy and he just needed me to be there as in i could of being any girl...i thought what we had was so special but i dont know what to think, i nearly wish he could tell me he didnt love me as that would stop me hurting so much inside

[tjp613]

((((Rachell)))) My poor dear. I am so very, very sorry for your loss and the anguish you are feeling.

Your boyfriend sounds like a very hard-core user who simply had the unfortunate luck of being bitten by the snake of addiction. This does not mean he was a bad person or that his intentions were never good. It just simply means that he suffered from an incurable disease -- one that can only be managed by the power of God Himself!

Please don't blame yourself -- there is nothing you did wrong at all. You loved him and took care of him the very best you could. Loving an addict is the toughest job there is.

The questions you have need not be answered now. Just allow yourself to mourn this love of yours and try your best to forgive him for what he has done. I'm sure he died with a mountain of regret on his shoulders, but he is at peace now, thank God.

Be gentle with yourself and just go on loving him. It's OK. There is a lesson for you here, however, so be careful to make note of it and don't let this snake into your life ever again.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you're getting along. We are here for you day and night.

[Impurrfect]

(((Rachell)))

I am so sorry for what has brought you here.

As ((tjp)) said above, please do not blame yourself. I am a recovering addict (crack) but I have also abused opiates and have done enough that I should be dead. There is nothing anyone could say or do that would have made me use or made me stop. No one has that much power.

As far as if he really loved you, I think he did. People say that addicts don't really love, they "take hostages". I'm sorry, but I disagree. I think they love you as much as they can. They can't love you like someone who is NOT an addict can, because when we are on drugs we just aren't emotionally available. We run from things we don't want to deal with by using. My boyfriend and I both used. To this day, I still love him and I have over 2 years clean. I am not IN love with him, however, and I have moved on. He is still on crack, in and out of jail, but the few times I have seen him, I can tell...the feelings are still there.

I am sorry you're hurting and I know you have a lot of questions...some that will probably never be answered. I can tell you that the majority of addicts who overdose do NOT do it on purpose. It is usually an accident, especially if it was something injected because you don't know how pure (strong) the drug is or what it's cut (mixed) with).

We also have a grief/loss forum you are welcome to check out, but you are welcome anywhere. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Often times, posting here, reading other posts can help. There are others here who know your pain.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Wolfchild]

How have you been doing lately rachell?