Relationship In Early Recovery

[mc20071]

Hi I am new to this site and I am looking for some advice on a relationship that I am involved in.
I have 4 months clean, and she has 6 months clean. We became really good friends within the last month and a half and I can trust her with anything, and she feels the same to me. It slowly progressed to being more than just friends, we didn't have sex which I'm thankful for. I am just really confused right now because I care about this girl so much but her sponsor doesn't think its a good idea for her to be involved in this. I understand she needs to finish her steps as do i. I'm currently working on my 9th step and I really feel like I have made huge progress from my old behaviors. My sponsor always asks me what are my motives behind this, and all I can think of is that I just really care for this girl, and we have a deeper connection beyond "just friends"... She means so much to me, but i'm just really hung up on what to do. Her sponsors suggests that we don't see eachother as much, but then it just kind of feels weird and unnatural because I enjoy her company and I can talk to her about anything thats going on in my life, including my feelings towards her. We have a very open and honest relationship and there is nothing that I feel uncomfortable talking to her about. It's just really hard to feel forced to not see her and not spend time with her because of the "you're not in a place for a relationship" rule... It also gets to me because her sponsor and my sponsor are boyfriend and girlfriend and they were dating while using, and continued to date through rehab, into recovery... Her sponsor has a year and a half and it seems like she is trying to project her will for the situation onto us... I don't know if i'm looking into that too far or what? But, i've been praying to God so much about this the last couple of weeks and it just seems like the natural progression of things were going where they were... We both have said all along to take things really slow, and they are going really slow... But it I can't stop my feelings and emotions for her and just turn back to being "just friends" again... I'm just really confused on what to do... I don't want to use or drink, I just want to be less confused on the situation. I will continue to pray about this and seek god out for his will in the situation... If anyone has any advice, please share.

[Astro]

Hello mc, welcome to SR!

I'll try to offer some brief thoughts, I'm certainly not a guru or expert when it comes to recovery relationships. I've had my experience, it wasn't exactly a good one, but it led me to the healthy relationship that I have today. I've seen relationships that work between two people in early recovery, but they're few and far between, and sadly I've seen more than a few that ended unhappily, or disastrously with one person deciding to "check out" on life because they couldn't deal with the emotions.

I've also heard the comparison that having a relationship is like pouring Miracle-Gro on our character defects, my personal feelings are that it can be like holding loaded guns up to each others heads. I know that sounds harsh, but honestly I needed to stay focused on my recovery and the 12 Steps as much as possible, it was impossible to do that with all the raw emotion I was trying to process over the possibility of an "exciting relationship".

Here's a great acronym too....

Really
Exciting
Love
Affair
Turns
Into
Outrageous
Nightmare
Sobriety
Hangs
In
Peril

If you truly love each other and are meant to be with each other, then can't you wait until you've both finished your Steps and your recovery has a fairly solid foundation? Can you make that commitment to each other and still remain the best of friends until the time is right for your relationship to progress? Just my experience: My fiancee is my best friend, and always has been. That's the most important part of our relationship as far as I'm concerned.

Oh, and sorry to drone on, but here's something to think about if you're contemplating God's will for your relationship:

On His Plan For Your Mate

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God says to a Christian, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living, loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me alone. I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or longings.

"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you that most thrilling plan existing, one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the BEST! Please allow me to bring it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting that satisfaction, expecting the greatest things, and know that I Am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait!

"Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have received. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.

"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you would ever imagine. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time), until you are both satsifeid exclusively with me and the life I have planned and prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me...and this is perfect love.

"Dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly, I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied."

--Author Unknown

[Cynay]

Welcome MC.... Glad to meet you and congrads on your recovery.

Recovery is alot like divorce in the emotional department.... that is probably why your sponsors are suggesting what they are. Im sure you have heard it said in early recovery that "no changes in relationships" that means that if your married or in a relationship ... dont leave it (like it sounds your sonsors did) and if your single ... stay that way. Most professionals will tell you to stay single after a divorce... and I have to agree with them, its the same concept as staying single when getting in recovery.

There are really GREAT reasons to stay out of a relationship and keep the focus on your recovery in the first year.... Trust me when I say that you will not be the same person in a year as you are today.... extreems seem to draw people together. Im sure you have heard of people that meet each other in extreem circumstances, marriage problems, death etc..... and they connect?? I like to think of those people being angels that God brings into my life for the "moment"... people that make a huge impact for that period in time.... but are gone when the "the extreem whatever" is over. I have had many people like that in my life, and for me they were the world when it was happening, but it would/could never have lasted. Some people are with us for a reason, some a season but some are with us for a life time. Most of the people that come into my life during a extreem time are just there for a reason...... some a season, but today I do not share a lifetime with any of them.

Before I could be in a healthy relationship, not only did I have to become healthy (and it did not happen in my first few years of recovery) but I had to allow enough time for me to grow into the person I wanted to become. That takes alot of time and work, sure many times I was attracted and "connected to" a man ... and some I did date with horrible results. Today I respect myself and the man I will marry enough to put my recover on the front burnner..... if my sponsor is advising something, I really listen today because there is usually something very important being said.

[Firehazard]

This advice to me has been golden. I have stayed away for and official year in two days and I do feel different than I did. Many times its hard to put a finger on but generally my self awareness and knowlege is greater. During treatment was the first 'no sex for a year' suggestion and it was non AA. I was curious as to why. The answer the instructor gave me was that it is not just the desire for sex that drives the new in recovery but that we wanted that close intimate feeling to fill in the loneliness. The act was termed fostering a false sense of intimacy. In retrospect that is exactly what I wanted. Yes, it wasn't intamacy that I wanted but blissful excape. Just another drug to get hooked on another crutch.
My communication and relating skills have improved and I'm not really looking for anyone to learn on. I am able to look at my desire to play big daddy and realize that this woman is not a girl and if she is acting like one I walk away. In addition, I have formed a strong sex ideal from the fourth step and know what I'm looking for and what I'm not. I have learned alot from the women's shares in mixed meetings and have been able to listen better without the sex distraction is there. Yes, AA women are really hot at times. Sobriety just helps us in many ways but I look on them as sisters now. I can get many dating tips, secrets and support from them and vice versa