ex-girlfriend going to alanon. some questions.

[brokenhalo]

what are the experiences for alcoholics who are in recovery who are still together with a significant otherr who attends alanon? i ask this because our relationship was tumultous, and i know a great deal of it had to do with my drinking; however, when i ask her what she hopes to get from it (even though i encouraged it and asked her to go), she says "i'm going to learn how to deal with your crap". in addition to this, she has already used it as a victim card to justify her abusive behaviors. for those of you in alanon, is this the way it works. if the relationship was mutually abusive, is alanon a means of avoiding responsibility, and shifting the entire weight of the dysfunction onto the alcoholic. in truth, i want to meet her at a center and in mutual respect, but according to comments, more ammunition is being built up against me. does that make sense? am i being fair in my fears? am i being fair even expressing fear since I am the loley alcoholic?

i truly want to maintain my sobriety and rebuild my integrity, and i want to eventually work things out with her. what i don't want is to be in constant defense of myself. based on our past together, this is what i have in store. is my thinking twisted about this. i don't mind being called out on this, because i really want a clean and healthy perspective on all of this. if i didn't make sense, please ask and i will try to clarify anything.

regardless, i'm excited for her, because i want her to heal from the relationship as i want it for myself. if at the end of step work we are incompatible, then i hope we can both accept it. thank you in advance for any responses and input.

sincerely,

bh

[brokenhalo]

please note, i am by no means trying to blameshift. i want to acknowledge and own my poor behavior. i want to dig as deep as possible to uncover my unconscious impulses and fears. i WANT to be a better person and experience forgiveness. regardless, i don't want my experience, feelings, emotions, efforts, successes and thoughts to be invalidated because i abused alcohol. in the end, i don't want to lose my right to be a human.

[Cynay]

Wow.... tough subject.... I can only share my experience.

The man who brought me to recovery is an Alcoholic, of course he is not my first.... I have always had alcoholics in my life... but he was the last one I would ever take the abuse from.

When he decided to get Sober and went to AA he strongely suggested that I attend Al-anon.... and honestly that just pissed me off more. At that time I had more then enough of the abuse.... in my eyes AA gave him excuses.... not to take responsibility for what he had done (that was in the past) for not understanding the deep pain I felt inside (because he had to keep it light) for not talking about the depth of the pain his actions brought to the relationship... etc....

I hated AA and when I first went to Al-anon I hated it too.... why should I have had to attend a 12 step program just because he had a problem. Why should my life, activities etc change cuz he could not handle it.... I felt that once again I had to change to adapt to his defects.

It took me at least 6 months in Al-anon to start to figure out that I had issues, that there was a reason I was addicted to alcoholics.... that I had to focus on myself and not on the relationship I had with my alcoholic. That relationship ended, and the next relationship with an Alcoholic ended too.... I was way to angry. Not that I feel that my anger was not justified..... but I was too busy trying to deal with the deep pain and had no time left to focus on myself.

Al-anon is for friends and families of Alcoholics ... it teaches us our part of the dance, how to set boundries and keep the focus on us. IMHO it is SO much harder then AA and what the Alcoholics go though ... mostly because you see the problem .. Alcohol.... and you know what you have to do. Seeing our problem is so much more personal and harder to fix.... because we are the problem... and it takes time to heal and change our behaviors.

When you have more recovery I would strongly suggest that you try a CoDA meeting.... may of my friends in CoDA are alcoholics and some with 10 plus years sober and told me that the really hard work started when they walked through the doors of CoDA.... it could give you an idea of what she is going though in Al-anon, or you could even try going to an Al-anon meeting and listening to their stories.... trust me when I say the pain for them is just as deep as our pain in AA.

After a few months in Al-anon, my sponsor suggested I attend an AA meeting once a week, I think alot of my compassion and understanding about Alcoholics came from those meetings, now might not be the right time to suggest that to her...... but it is a two way street.... maybe your ready to see it from the other side of the street and could consider attending 6 months of a Al-anon meeting once a week.... Im guessing you did not become an Alcoholic alone and have others in your life that you are a friend or family member to an Alcoholic.

[TrainWreckAgain]

I will share my experience as well.

Al Anon is full of people with all different attitudes, experiences and objectives. But, NOTHING I have read in any of the official Al Anon literature is about "blaming the alcoholic."

In Al Anon, we are asked to work the 12 Steps as well. We are asked to examine and focus on our own issues and not be so focused on the alcoholic. There is a key phrase in Al Anon, "You didn't create it (your loved one's alcoholism), you can't control it (meaning the disease), and you can't cure it (only the alcoholic can cure him or herself).

HTH

[boocatgirl]

Dear BrokenHalo,

I just started attending Alanon meetings recently because all the reading and advise I gathered from this site and other sources suggested that I might be a co-dependent. This concept was totally (and continues to be) mind altering for me.

To me the Alanon program provides a methodology and support system for me as I work to learn to take personal responsibilty for MY life choices and to quit focussing on what my ASO is doing that I cannot control.

My experience with Alanon has been one of gentle support allowing me to go at my own pace to learn to focus my energies on my life, my behaviors, and my needs and letting my ASO focus on his own. If I make this sound easy, its not. I just wanted to say what a positive experience I've had with Alanon so far. My ASO has also appreciated my efforts to try to take some pressure off of him as he continues his stay in rehab.

I wish you both peace.

BCG

[brokenhalo]

that all helps alot. like i said, i wasn't trying to be down on it,i just didn't fully understand given the nature of it all. plus, i'm early on in recovery, and am still too focused outward and need to be worrying about my own junk. i put her through alot of hell and know just that. i admire the strength you all have, truly, both for the concern and love offered to the alcoholic, but also for turning around and facing your own demons. i truly wish you the best, and thank you for responding.

best regards,

bh