Soon to be Ex-Wife or Girlfriend?

[DJMH]

Hey there everyone.

My name is DJMH and I am an alcoholic. I have been in recovery since Sept 08. When I first joined this site, I was very suicidal, distraught over the damages my alcoholism had caused. My wife had recently moved out with the kids and filed for divorce back then.

Well I have gotten past that. I have been sober for several months now.

And the divorce was supposed to be finalized in Aug of this year.
Funny thing happened on the way to the divorce judge, I met a woman online at a suicide support forum. We just starting chatting thru pm's. I joined that forum around the time I joined this forum. Since I have no longer been suicidal, part of my recovery is helping others who are.

Anyway...this girl and I have been dating for a couple of months now. We are really falling for each other and quite frankly are in love.

I havent felt this way about a woman in a long time. It is a long distance relationship however. She lives 500 miles away. She is planning on coming out to see me in September.

My wife, lives 7 miles away. And in the past month she has made advances towards postponing the divorce. (she did do that) and now she has come out and said that she wants us to get back together.

Now I did most of my drinking at home. And I really burned her with that. And the disease hurt me too.

I really don't know what to do. My best friend at AA tells me I should tell my wife that I need more time. My sponser just tells me to pray on it. Which I have been doing.

I have kids. A 16yr old daughter and an 11 year old son. Sometimes I think it would be better for them if we were back together. But I also know that if it didnt work out, the next time we would split would be extremely painful for all involved.

I am supposed to talk with my wife this Thursday, away from the kids.

Currently my girlfriend is the keeper of my heart. I don't know if I should give it back to my wife.

[cassandra2]

I am gonna try a little tough love here. Not wanting to come off as being mean or anything but the way I "hear" it is that YOU have resentments towards your wife for leaving you???? Am I right? You said that you cant give your heart back to your wife. Why?

Not really sure but you indicated that she left because of your drinking? If that is true then I believe that that is what you are struggling with. She left you. That was painful. Still is. Getting back together with her would be hard anyway you slice it. You would have to work at it. You would have to reexpose all of those painful feelings which is why possibly it is so appealing to start fresh with someone NEW.....

I really think you should do some deep soul searching and figure out why you still have resentments towards your wife. It will be hard work but it will be worth it.

This is just my opinion but I really think that you should also do some soul searching about this other woman. I see potential red flags as far as this relationship goes. Its long distance and you havent met face to face? How do you know that she is really whom she claims to be? Are you willing to jepordize your sobriety if things get hairy in this new relationship (you mentioned she was suicidal previously)?

Have you thought about the long term aspects of this new relationship? Like will you move to be near her or will she have to move to be near you? Is she stable in her own mental health? Are you really in a healthy relationship even though you are still married? How does she feel about you still being married? I know these are all tough questions but they need to be brought to the table to be able to honestly find the answer you are looking for.

I am NOT trying to sound mean or come off as a know it all or anything like that. You are so NEW in your own sobriety that what you claim as love could really be lust or like at this stage in the game. Also, your resentments towards your wife are still kind of evident and maybe that is another reason you are leaning towards this other woman...

I believe that the reason AA or NA recommends no new relationships in the first year is because of some of the questions I posed to you.

I really would hate to see you brush off your wife end up divorced and then realize that maybe your feelings for this woman were NOT as intense as you thought. And now it is too late to try and salvage a marriage with a woman that you obviously still love.....

[Seekingsobriety]

" havent felt this way about a woman in a long time. It is a long distance relationship however. She lives 500 miles away. She is planning on coming out to see me in September."

Have you met this woman face to face at all yet? That is going to tell me alot...............it sounds like you have not?

Not being clear on the details, I agrre with your AA friend and tell your wife you need more time.

My take, having had my wife leave with the kids as well..................(and she was as big of a drunk as me)...........is tell her you need more time. By all means, meet with her and see how things go, see if you have any feelings for her.

If you don't have ANY feelings of love or attraction for her, or there has been too much hurt..................I'd pass. getting back together with her IF THERE IS NO FEELINGS OF LOVE will not do anyone any good. Not her, you, or the kids.
I know for ME (and this DOESN'T MEAN FOR YOU) I've been single now for 3 years. There has been so much pain, hurt and betrayal (she cheated on me) that I could never go back. She left me when I needed her most. Ironically, though, it took me losing her and my kids to finally get to sober and happy.

VERY tough calll man. Take your time. You have nothing to lose, on either front, by TAKING YOUR TIME.

[kotabear]

I'm a wife who left her husband due to his drinking. I left him 3 years ago, we always talked about getting together, but he would fall back into drinking, saying it was cause I wouldn't come live with him, and I wouldn't go back to living with him cause he was drinking. I divorced him 10 months ago, we STILL talk about getting back together, we still say we love each other.

First I left him, cause I was powerless of the drinking, and I had to have a sane place with a normal routine for my very young daugthers, 1 and 3 at the time of seperation. they are now 3 and 5.

My X is getting ready next week to leave the longest rehab program he has ever been in. 6 months. I hope he continues to do well, and I hope for the best, but I fear that my love for him, isn't going to be enough.

Your wife still loves you, she left cause you and your drinking where unmamageable. She still love you as the person she feel in love with, not the drinker. Doesn't she deserve your love?

I know it sounds so easy to begin with someone else, so all those hurtful feelings aren't there.... but we all are still hurting and all still in love.

I gues I have no direction for you, but me being a wife-xwife of a drinker, I can tell you my love for him is still there after all the hardships, and I will always love him, just worry to be hurt again.

Good luck
Kota

[Wolfchild]

How are things working out for you DJMH?