rebuilding trust after a relapse

[vegan04]

Hi there,

I've been sober since 09-26-2007, and I've been in a relationship for five months with a man I met in sobriety. He had been sober since February 2007, about seven months longer than I. However, last Saturday (six days ago), he called me while drunk at 9:30pm (I'd last seen him around 5pm, sober), and over the next couple of days it came out that he'd been drinking on the sly for about a month. This involved a couple of times I sensed things were "off" but he was able to convince me that he was okay. (Of course, I went through the stages of beating myself up for not trusting my instincts, but I also think it's human nature to give people the benefit of the doubt.)

Anyhow, I do love this man, and I want to continue my relationship with him -- I've told him that if he relapses again, there will be no 3rd chances. (Some background: he's been trying to get sober since 1986, and he's had multiple relapses. The longest he's been sober is 11 years.) I've also told him that if there are any lies -- no matter how small -- then it will be over as well. But even with these things out there -- complete honesty, no more relapses -- I'm having a difficult time figuring out how to rebuild trust.

I've been through all 12 steps of AA, and I have a wonderful sponsor and a solid support network. I go to at least 7 meetings a week (I'm currently unemployed), often more like 10 a week. I don't feel as though my sobriety is in question -- this is more a conundrum of figuring out if I can regain trust in this man, or if it's just a deal-breaker for me.

I realize, also, that I have no control over his behavior, and that I can only work on me. I've been going to Al-Anon meetings to get support in that regard, and it's helping tremendously. And, also, it's been only six days since this all came to the surface, so not a lot of time has passed.

The biggest thing, I suppose, is fear. I'm afraid of being betrayed again, I'm afraid of him relapsing, I'm afraid of continuing to love someone when there is a possibility of feeling so much pain a second time. (My relationship before this one also ended in a relapse, although that time it happened after I broke up with the man for other reasons.)

I do have faith in my bf... I'm just baffled on what steps can be taken to rebuild trust. I've been searching the Internet for advice, and most of what comes up is related to infidelity. And I suppose that's somewhat helpful, but I'd love to hear from other people who have experienced something like this and are able to share their experience, strength, and hope with me.

Thanks, and sorry this is so long.

A

[123bubblegum123]

Hey

First, thanks for posting about it. I think it's fantastic you are staying sober through it all. My only advice for you would be to focus on your own sobriety & recovery, and avoid getting lost in his. It's his life, and if he wants you in it, he'll need to stay sober. For me, If I'm dating someone I let them know "i'm sober, and i'd appreciate you not trying to interfere with that." I also would feel very betrayed if my boyfriend relapsed - i'd actually see it as the equivalent of him cheating on me, even though it's inappropriate to think that way.

You are golden and deserve THE BEST. You need to also remember that there are plenty of amazing men out there who wouldn't choose getting high over being with you. The other way to look at it is he really needs support right now, and if you're spiritually and mentally strong enough to handle it, then by all means stick around. But anything that could jeapardize your sobriety should be avoided at all costs.

Please stay safe and stay in touch,
Rach

[vegan04]

Originally Posted by 123bubblegum123

First, thanks for posting about it. I think it's fantastic you are staying sober through it all. My only advice for you would be to focus on your own sobriety & recovery, and avoid getting lost in his. It's his life, and if he wants you in it, he'll need to stay sober. For me, If I'm dating someone I let them know "i'm sober, and i'd appreciate you not trying to interfere with that." I also would feel very betrayed if my boyfriend relapsed - i'd actually see it as the equivalent of him cheating on me, even though it's inappropriate to think that way.

Thanks for the reply -- yeah, there's no chance I'm going to drink or not stay sober. That's not even an option... and you're right about it feeling as though I've been cheated on. He doesn't at all try to interfere with my recovery -- we actually met through mutual sober friends -- and for that I'm grateful. It's just that whole trust thing... I'm not sure how that comes back, except for time and patience. And, of course, being alcoholic myself, I want everything now!

Thanks again,
A

[cassandra2]

Trust after a relapse is soooo hard to rebuild. When my RA relapsed I wasnt surprised. I could see it coming.

Now trust is a daily issue. The first month or so I would ALWAYS think the worst. FEAR became my enemy and daily I would have to stop and say "he is gonna do what he is gonna do". I also felt as if I had to just watch. He got a job and started working right after his relapse and his first paycheck was a real hard time. But I told myself that I could make this about him or I could make it about me.

I worked REALLY hard to mind my own business and NOT EVEN think about it. Trust the process. Trust myself to know the truth. He passed and even gave me money to help out (we currently are not living together).

But I see with each day I am learning the art of NOT being so INVOLVED in another persons business. Trust in the relationship will come with time. THe wounds of the addiction and relapse need to heal. Once the wounds started to heal for me I was much more able to trust myself and know that either way I was gonna be ok.

Fast forward to today and I feel that trust is being rebuild in the relationship little by little. His actions are speaking that he is clean and trying to make an HONEST living. His actions are backing up his words but that took TIME and it will continue to take time but I can see that it is returning. My first instinct is no longer FEAR but ACCEPTANCE to what will be. Takes alot of pressure off of thinking that you dont trust someone so close to you.