Lover Issues

[Thami]

Hi All.

After i came out of rehab my fiance was very supportive and she made sure that she was there for me throughout. But of late i am having problems with her, she has become inconsiderate and very demanding. There is nothing i seem to be doing right in her eyes.
Whatever good i try and do, does not seem enough, and she does not allow me to be myself in our relationship.

This is the exact same reason that my previous relationships fell apart, bcos i was not allowed to be myself and to have my own feelings. Everything revolves around her, whatever feels right to her, then it has to be right for me.

I find myself sacrificing and compromising but i am not getting the same from her. To highlight my sacrifices, I accompanied her to a family party (against my will) and the people there were drinking and drugging, as a result I freaked out and almost relapsed. I have been speaking to her about the way i am feeling about her lack of consideration for others to no avail.

i am getting to a point where i am now questioning the relationship despite the fact that I love to her to bits... but I have to put my recovery first....
I don't want to lose her but it seems like the inevitable at the moment....

Any advise or tips would be greatly appreciated....

[freya]

OK to start with, sounds like some Al Anon might be helpful for both you and your GF.

I don't know your GF or her side of this, and I certainly am willing to believe that she might be behaving less than lovingly and helpfully. But, the fact of the matter is that, in order for you to take care of yourself in a way that is going to be conducive to your continued sobriety, you need to clear about what is really going on here and what power you have, what power you don't have, and what choices you're making.

Originally Posted by Thami

This is the exact same reason that my previous relationships fell apart, bcos i was not allowed to be myself and to have my own feelings. Everything revolves around her, whatever feels right to her, then it has to be right for me. ....

I guess maybe I'm missing something here: How can anyone "not allow" you to be yourself???? Maybe there's something you're not telling us here, but I really can't imagine how anyone can actually force you to be someone other than who you are....at least not unless you choose to go along with it....and, of course, if you choose to go along with it, then you're not being forced.

Unless she's holding a gun to your head, you do have a choice.

And you are making a choice.

If you don't like the consequences of the choice you're making, you can make a different choice.

Same thing here:

Originally Posted by Thami

To highlight my sacrifices, I accompanied her to a family party (against my will) and the people there were drinking and drugging, as a result I freaked out and almost relapsed.

Again, did she tie you up and drag you?

Did she hold a gun to your head?

Or did you decide that it was easier for you to go along with what she wanted, than to do what you felt was going to be best for you and your sobriety?

Also, the truth is that no one else -- and no-thing else -- can make you drink or use. If you end up drinking or using, that is becuase you are an alcoholic/addict -- not because you went to a party where other people were drinking and/or using and definitely not because your GF is mean to you or too demanding of you.

Why are you giving your GF SO much power over you?

Unless someone holds you down and pours alcohol and/or drugs down your throat, you and you alone are responsible for your sobriety or your lack thereof.

And I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying it to clarify the fact that you do have some choices, some power, and a lot of responsibility here.

Don't you have a sponsor who can help you sort out what's yours here and what's your GF's?

Originally Posted by Thami

i am getting to a point where i am now questioning the relationship despite the fact that I love to her to bits... but I have to put my recovery first....
I don't want to lose her but it seems like the inevitable at the moment....

Yes, your sobriety must come first.

So, what choices can you make and what can you do differently to make sure that that your sobriety is indeed coming first? I'm sure you've heard it said that we cannot love others if we do not love ourselves. Clearly, if your sobriety is not coming first, you are not loving yourself. Take care of yourself and your sobriety, and let the rest of it all fall into place wherever and however it needs to....

....and, just FYI, it's a lot easier to do this if you have a good, close relationship with a HP, Whom you can absolutely trust to be taking care of all that stuff while you focus on taking care of you and yours.

freya