Should I talk to his sponsor? what limits do I have!

[grateful4me]

He is sleeping even though he has so much to do!!!

Ok, my boyfriend (sober 49 day, myself 50) is sleeping all the time. He gets up only to go to court (he is an attorney). There are things that need to have his attention and he is waiting to the last minute and therefore, when he finally gets the work done, I am rushing to type it up. Also, there are numerous things around the house that need to be done but he is not willing to help.

I know he is worried about finances and work (very slow right now) but staying in bed is not helping, right?

I am trying not to be controlling over this but it is so hard because it effects me having to rush and get things done at the last minute because he procrastinated.

How can I get him to realize this without as he says "making him feel guilty."

He also says that I am resentful, perhaps I am but I feel very pressured myself. I realize that I have to work on my own sobriety and self and he has to work on his own.

Should I talk to his sponsor?

[freya]

You should not talk to his sponsor; that qualifies as serious control behavior as well as triangulation and manipulation....and because it does, it is also a good sign that you should talk to your own sponsor. If you do not have sponsor, then all of the above is a good sign that you should get one.

And why are you rushing to type his stuff anyway? Poor planning -- or laziness or apathy or what-the-h*ll-ever-his-problem is -- cannot constitute a crisis for you -- unless, of course, you choose to let it.

Figure out what you can do comfortably in what time period and with what notice. Tell him that it is stresing you out to have to so a rush jobs at the last minute. Tell him exaclty how much you are willing to do in what time frame and tell him how much notice you need. Tell him that, if he gets you what you need to do within the parameters of what you have determined you can do comfortably, then you'll be glad to do it. If he can't get it to you within the parameters you set, tell him he'll have to find someone else.

Tell him this simply and without upset or blame -- simple statements of fact. These are your parameters -- your boundaries -- they are not up for discussion. If he wants to argue about it or whine about it or cry about it or feel like you are being mean to him or do the poor-me-poor-me-pour-me-a-drink thing about it, that is his choice....It is also his problem, not yours. You are not responsible for what he does with it or about; nor are you responsible for his feelings. It is highly advisable not to allow him to draw you into any discussion or drama around it. You say what you have to say and that's that.

Enforce what you tell him -- with zero tolerance for non-compliance on his part. But enforce it calmy and without debate or protracted discussion.

If you take care of yourself in this manner, the chances are that any resentment you have will begin to ease-up -- because, after all, if you do not allow him to use and isrespect you, you won't have any reason to be resentful anyways.

freya

[123bubblegum123]

Grateful,

First, congrats on your own clean time! 50 days (now 51 i guess) is HUGE so rock on! IMO, its hard enough managing your own life sober, and its easy to get bogged down in helping other people. Maybe try focusing more on your own personal recovery rather than on your significant others'? His mistakes arent directly harming you - you're just putting forth too much effort to help him out. Why not let him learn from his own mistakes?

Also, when it comes down to it, would you want him calling your sponsor to complain about your behavior in early sobriety? Didn't think so.

I vote no.

[grateful4me]

Thank you Thank you Thank you, Freya and Bubblegum! After a night at a little league game and a night sleep and my morning workout and praying and giving it to God. . . I came up with the same resolution that both of you are offering.

I have taken care of him for so long that it seems like the thing to do. . . insanity = doing the same thing hopeing for diffent results! I am gradually changing my old behavior (yes, my counselor and I are working on the Co-Dependency issues I have) but I slip ocassionally. I do need to find a sponsor but I have not clicked with anyone yet (even though I am very outgoing) soon I hope!

I am beginning to take care of myself but still fall for the wanted/unwanted requests of him meaning. . .he enables me and my co-dependency. . . I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!! Cheers (clinging my bottle of water) to become a STRONG women!

Thank you soooooo much for confirming my thoughts. . . I love this site!