Real love....real life.

[utopia]

Hi,

I'm just looking for help, sharings on when you find real love, how to adjust to it and accept it and not sabotage it. Im afraid that due to a lack of self worth I'm going to ruin a great relationship. After 5 years of hard recovery work with many paybacks I have gotten involved with a very calm, supportive and loving man but now I find myself ina rut. It's only been about 6 months since we met properly and about 4 months committment ( a record fo rme) but I find myself feeling trapped or perhaps a bit bored lately, maybe i feel stagnant. It's a gay relationship and sometimes I wonder if I wouldnt prefer a woman though Im mostly attracted to men and only have kissed women when feeling a need for comfort rather than anything sexual and this has been only witha rare sort of woman as I mostly "gay".......I wonder why I feel like this or is love, reall life in a comitted relationship a bit blase at times,,,,do long term relationships.which ive never had, have moments where things seem a bit boring, why do i worry about him having a bit too much of a tummy for my liking, if hes really "that" good looking when hes such a giving and loving soul......why does part of me feel like its grieving for the days of my past when one night stands, drunken clubbing and masturbating to porno gave me a thrill,,,,i yearned so long to be loved and held and now i am and if he has a day where he just wants to be or i have a dya like today where i just feel a bit ....meh,,,,do i really want to end this, or what is it that needs to end ? im so confused.is my sexuality changing? am i becoming less sexual and more something else? am i just shaming my sexual side that has been explored in a loving and committed fashion for the first time in my life ever, the first time ive been respected and treated not as an object but more as a just a plain ol me, a person, a human.....what the heck do i do with this realtionship thing now that its well and truly here to stay and i have a sense of restlessness? how do i keep myself from sabotaging to chase some distant obscure ":thing" or "place".........any guidance>???

[123bubblegum123]

Utopia,

I wanted to thank you for this post. Although I am not gay or even in a committed relationship at the moment, I can relate to this. I have a long history of being involved in unstable and unhealthy relationships with dangerous men - which has prevented me from getting to know more worthy men and has also enabled me to repeat the bad pattern!

Now that I am committed to sobriety and living a healthier life I'm no longer interested in the losers who I used to be attracted to but for some reason it is hard to adjust! Plus, I'm sure you can relate to the created behaviors of avoiding intimacy and lacking the ability to trust people because in the past letting people in was too costly, so it was much easier to numb emotions and keep everyone else at a safe distance.

I guess the only advice I would have would be to think before you speak. I've noticed that I can be a really jealous and untrusting person when really all that does is push the object of my affection far away and sabatoge any possibility of a relationship. It's also me setting myself up to keep that person at a "safe distance" when really if I'm sober and healthy and they are also healthy, there would be no sane need to do that!

Also, let me say that people attract each other for a reason. Maybe your cool, calm and collected boyfriend admires your quirks and neuroticism? Maybe instead of labeling your behavior as sabatoging, allow yourself to have feelings and call a friend or post on here before acting on anything. I'm horrible with emotions, and I really struggle with explaining how I feel to someone I care about but communication is key in any relationship, so try to initiate some kind of check in talk with your partner and question him to see if he is at all bothered by it. I know I often live in my head a lot, and when I assume things I make an ass out of u and me so why not speak up and set the record straight? If he loves you, or at least respect you, he'll most certainly respond warmly.

I wish you the best of luck and congratulations on opening yourself up to true love!

Hugs & support,
Rach