Any advice for a recovering alcoholic and parent?

[paulmh]

My kids are ten and eleven - I got sober when they were four and five. I'm mindful that they are still the children of an alcoholic, drunk or sober.

I know this is a terrifically general question, but what would you have liked your parents to have done differently? I'd like to be a better parent to my kids, but sometimes, like anyone I suppose, I feel too close to be able to see what's going on. Some principles to be borne in mind would be gratefully received!

I posted this in ACoA too..

[Astro]

Originally Posted by paulmh

I know this is a terrifically general question, but what would you have liked your parents to have done differently? I'd like to be a better parent to my kids, but sometimes, like anyone I suppose, I feel too close to be able to see what's going on.[/I]

That's a great question Paul, my fiancee and I were discussing this last night while mulling over what to do about my son, we're struggling with his selfishness, ego, entitlement, and being spoiled in general.

My kids are 11 & 13, they were 7 & 9 when I stumbled into AA, they witnessed plenty of my drinking, the fighting, their Mom's affair, the divorce, etc. So I guess I can never say "my kids have never seen me drink".

Honestly, I think my parents did a pretty good job. Dad worked his butt off and went to school to always better himself, Mom was a housewife and did an admirable job of raising three boys. They always told us they loved us, did their best to teach us responsibility, and they both drank and fought way too much. So if I had one wish, it's that I didn't learn about relationships from watching them. I grew up thinking it was OK to drink and fight as long as it didn't turn physical.

I often have to think about one of the AA Promises, we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Sometimes it's so painful to look back, but in looking forward I'm inspired to do the next right thing, and to keep my side of the street clean. I tell my children I love them every day, I lead with my example, I give careful thought to my actions and behavior around them. I'm way too hard on myself sometimes, I'm probably a darn good parent and you probably are too, most parents in recovery seem to be that way. So let's give ourselves a pat on the back, at least for today, OK?

I like to read this part of The Prophet sometimes, it helps put things back in perspective for me......

On Children
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children." And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

[Sugah]

The Gibran passage has been the guide that I've followed imperfectly since my children were born. My biological children were nine & twelve when I got sober. I have had a gaggle of step kids over the years, and five years ago, I got two more, both with a sober dad. There's no doubt that I'm a much better parent these days, though still admittedly and (most of the time ) humbly imperfect. My kids are now 15, 19, 19 & 20.

The things that I wish my parents would have done differently would crash the server were I to list them all -- and at the same time, I know that the way they raised me is part of what makes me who I am today.

What do I do differently? I talk to my kids. In as much as I'd like to be a friend to them, I let them know that I can't put aside my parental role -- ever. I'm a mom first, friend second. No subject is off-limits. We've had some very detailed discussions about sex, addiction, politics, religion, etc. I let them know that they have my unconditional love, but not my unconditional approval of their behavior. I value them as individuals and also impress upon them that they are part of a family. Sometimes, one person requires more attention or resources, but no one gets to dominate all the time. I try to listen more than I speak (and with teenagers like mine, that's not hard to do), and if I see that something's troubling them, I ask. I don't wait for them to come to me.

There's more, but I have to listen to a pitch about why a python makes a good pet

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[paulmh]

Thank you both - the two areas of my life where I feel I can't "coast" in sobriety are as a parent and as a worker. Scratch that, the three areas are parent, worker and spouse - hang on the four areas are parent, spouse, worker and friend



When Astro said this -

we're struggling with his selfishness, ego, entitlement, and being spoiled in general.

I thought he was talking about me..

It's funny how my mind keeps trying to tell me that everything is about destinations - oh you've arrived at "good parent" - but my recovery is showing me all the time that I travel, and it's how I travel that matters, not where I'm going. So, thinking about the example I give, Astro, will be something I'm going to try and keep at the forefront of my mind. Thanks for that.

[Astro]

Ha ha, I definitely wasn't talking about you, Paul!

In AA our primary purpose is to "stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety", but I like to think that there's another side to my recovery......that of being, as you said, a good parent. So that part of me has another primary purpose. To be the best father, friend, employee, and partner/spouse that I'm capable of being.

That's just as challenging as my recovery, I truly enjoy trying to be all of those things.

[Sugah]

Okay, so we have a python now.

I just wanted to add that there's a very cool side-effect of our twelve-step recovery. If we're really doing the deal, our kids see it, and just as they'll model our bad behavior, they very often model the good stuff, too. It's a trip sometimes when it hits me that there are four teenagers (okay, so one is slightly beyond) and two drunks in a house, and there are no fights. There are disagreements, and sometimes, voices are raised, but only one time have my boys thrown knuckles -- and it was over almost before it got started. What happened next? They made amends to each other.

Yes, my children are the offspring of alcoholics, all the way around (we are a blended family), and yes, they have suffered because of it in the past. These days, though, being the children of recovering alcoholics, I think the benefits outweigh the liabilities.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[newme27]

hello I am new to computers but not to recovery. I am having great difficulties with one of my boys. He was brought up in recovery now he is 18. He has been using for 4 years been in rehab twice in the last year. Now he has always been a high need kid but I am struggling with how to be an addict in recovery raising 3 boys with his selfish addicted behaviors. I guess what I am asking is what do other people do for appropriate family living? I think I do well then I start to let the words get to me and doubt seeps in. The latest is we do not seem to connect anymore. How do you show some one you love them and want to spend time with them even when you don't like their behaviors. Can an 18 year old be responsive to family activities?