in a relationship with a drinker

[soozers]

hello all. i am new to recovery (and to this website). my program is pretty strong and i believe am doing what i need to do to stay sober. here is the problem. my fiancee is very supportive of my recovery, but he is a drinker. and not a glass of wine a month type drinker, but a few beers after a long day's work type. what's more, he is a beer fanatic and loves microbrews and beer culture with a hobby of collecting old beer cans and trays and junk. we have tried many different compromises and solutions around this. i don't think it is my place to tell him he can't ever drink. after all, it is my problem and not his. but he feels guilty, and then it becomes my job to tell him it is OK to do. then i get angry. yes, i love him and want this to work. we have been through hell and back because of my alcoholism. but sometimes i wonder if relationships like this can work. i am sick of fighting about it. does anybody have any experience with a situation like this? does it get easier? i would appreciate any advice. thanks for listening.

[123bubblegum123]

hey,

welcome to SR and congrats on getting sober! when i first started really trying to get clean in august of this past year, i had a boyfriend who wasn't really an alcoholic but he certainly loved to party. he tried his best to be supportive of me getting clean, BUT we had been party buddies and i couldn't help but get jealous of him when he'd party. the only way i could seriously get and stay clean was to break up with him and cut him out of my life. now that i've been clean a bit, i realize that i really wouldn't want to date him now anyway BUT what i might suggest is to take some time away from your fiancee. Make a tight group of sober friends from AA or church or whatever and occupy your time. You doing sober activities that you find fun will keep you from having the time to argue about your fiancee's drinking habbits and it will also let you focus on your own recovery rather than on these obstacles.

If worse comes to worse, you can always say you need a temporary break from the relationship and that you'll revisit getting back together in a while or after you get through the 12 steps. Maybe then you'll be in a healthier, more spiritual place and be emotionally and mentally strong enough to realize that there are non-alcoholics in the world who enjoy their brew.

Rach

[soozers]

thanks 123, that is sensible advice. we also used to party together, and it does change things when one stops having that in common with the other. i do get jealous and think it's not fair and feel bad for myself and wonder how healthy it is for my recovery. the hardest thing sometimes is to do nothing and give it over to Higher Power but it has never been the wrong thing yet...

[FunnyOne]

But what about HIS feelings? If alcoholics are by nature selfish, is it fair to throw away the people that helped you GET sober? Maybe you can hang in there and move through this with him and the relationship intact. I have fun partying with people who drink without drinking myself, you can too.

[soozers]

you are right on, funnyone. the thing that has changed is me, not his habits or likes. i wish i could feel comfortable with people drinking, go out and whatever like i used to because the whole self pity thing is based on my belief that being sober restricts me from doing these things. do you have much time? my sponser and others' advice is to stay away at first. but on the other hand, sometimes i wonder if i'm keeping one foot in the old way of life's door in order to remain in this relationship, that we wouldn't be happy together otherwise. Or maybe i'm preferring to stay jealous, angry, and resentful so i have an excuse not to do the work of recovery..."if only i didn't have to smell beer on his breath or hear him talk about drinking or see empty beer cans in the recycling well, then my recovery would be better..."

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by soozers

Or maybe i'm preferring to stay jealous, angry, and resentful so i have an excuse not to do the work of recovery..."if only i didn't have to smell beer on his breath or hear him talk about drinking or see empty beer cans in the recycling well, then my recovery would be better..."

The Big Book clearly states that resentment is the number one offender in alcoholics drinking again. That proved to be the case for me when I drank again after 4 years clean/sober.

I no longer shoot myself in the foot by engaging in relationships with unhealthy men. That was always a distraction for me so I didn't have to look at myself.

Today my recovery is the most important thing to me.

[soozers]

i guess this leads to the next question...does regular drinking necessarily mean unhealthy drinking? i really don't know, because in my experience it didn't. and i can say, freedom1990, that we were probably both unhealthy as individuals before we met, so does it mean this cannot be changed? of course, there is the tendency to caretake, to enable, be codependent...but can it be changed?

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by soozers

i guess this leads to the next question...does regular drinking necessarily mean unhealthy drinking? i really don't know, because in my experience it didn't. and i can say, freedom1990, that we were probably both unhealthy as individuals before we met, so does it mean this cannot be changed? of course, there is the tendency to caretake, to enable, be codependent...but can it be changed?

All I can share is my own experience, and as I stated earlier, I contined to seek relationships with unhealthy men. The end result was me throwing 4 years of recovery out the window.

When I relapsed, I was dating a fellow who was involved in 12 step programs, two years clean. He started going down the tubes, relapsed, and despite the warnings from all the people in recovery who cared about me, I was determined to stick it out with him. The end result was I relapsed too.

Recovery is a full-time job for me, and I don't need the added burden of being involved with someone who isn't healthy for me and my recovery.

Maybe you can. I don't know.