Dating a newcomer

[Chauncy]

Quick breakdown: I've been clean for a few years and she's been clean for a bit over a month. There's a very strong connection between the two of us that neither of us have ever felt before. Up until now, I've never even considered dating someone new. While I'm aware that there's a possibility that I may be wrong about the situation, I've talked with other addicts and thoroughly examined my motives and it certainly seems genuine. We've decided to wait until we both feel that we're ready, however long that may be. We've also taken a step back to take the space and time we both need to focus on our recovery. We only see and talk to each other about once a week at a meeting.
So I'm asking for anyone's experience regarding getting involved with a newcomer in any similar fashion. What were the circumstances, how did you deal with it, and what was the outcome? And I'm well aware that the common opinion is to never date a newcomer, so please don't respond with "Don't date a newcomer!" or anything of the sort. I'm looking for some significant and thoughtful responses.

Thanks in advance.

[splendra]

Ah yeas! Meeting someone that feels like you have known them all your life the"familiar" I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole myself. Yea it feels so good almost like a relief but be careful cause that could very well mean that you are trying to step back into the abyss.

I believe someone new to recovery needs a lot of time before starting a new "love" relationship. Dating while "new' to recovery is a very good way to get drawn back into addiction even "love" addiction. So be very careful.

Many people have found these types of connection in recovery are really about the issues that have not yet been resolved.

At the other persons stage in recovery I would say she is looking for a way back to the abyss do you want to go with her? Maybe you are obsessing a little bit about this person? Yes? Give her a year see what happens then.

[Sugah]

My suggestion to sponsees isn't to wait a specific length of time before getting involved with someone else, but to postpone it until formal step work is done. If we don't get right with our HP, get right with ourselves, and learn how to get right with other folks, we're just taking the same old addict into something new.

I don't know about you, but if the point is to deal with these character defects that make me toxic not only to myself but to other people, getting involved before I've taken the steps is just a pre-meditated entry on my fourth step list.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[TTOSBT]

I think taking a step back and waiting is a good thing to do right now.
I am a newcomer (I have 10 months) and I can not imagine being able to do the work I have needed to do if I had been in a new relationship. As it is, I am married and have a family. They have had to be very understanding about me needing to focus on my recovery and changing my old behaviors.

If you have a few years then I would think that you just need to stop and reflect on the changes you made the first year or two. Are you the same person you were at a month sober? I know that I am not. Give her a chance to figure out who she is (sober) and what she wants.

Also I think it is very important that she learns to connect with women in recovery and learn to depend on them. She won't do that if she has you to focus on. One day at a time.

I wish you the VERY best. If these feelings are true, you have all the time in the world to explore them. But she needs to get a solid foundation first, IMO.

ETA: Welcome to SR!!!!

[nelco]

There's a very strong connection between the two of us that neither of us have ever felt before.

I have heard people in recovery share this feeling and say "this is a drink on two legs"!!

[CAPTAINZING2000]

How do you tell when, an alocholic/ addict is on their second date? There's a moving van in front of the house

If, it's a connection, stay friendly, let them work on their recovery first. I see people pairing up in rehab all the time and going right back out there!!!

[lizw]

I go to SLAA to avoid dating newcomers. Part of my illness is to choose partners who are emotionally unavail so I don't have to do any work on myself, like I would with someone 'healthy'.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

I'm not sure of your age but, there comes a time in life, where you don't think, you're not complete unless, you have a significant other!

[Freedom1990]

Many people have found these types of connection in recovery are really about the issues that have not yet been resolved.

Amen to that!!!!!!!! Even at 4 years clean/sober, I still hadn't resolved those issues (I flat out refused to address those issues), had gotten in yet another relationship, and the end result was my recovery went right out the window!

Was it worth it? Hell no.

[kj3880]

Whenever I feel that overwhelming attraction that doesn't have a basis in anything real, just chemicals, I have to look at who I'm really attracted to. It's easy to feel the rush of a chemical attraction. That's no more than animal instinct, IMO. And we all are animals. But we need to look at: who is this person, are they good for us, do they fit into our life right now?
30 days!!!! Yikes!!! I have never met anyone at that stage of recovery who's anything other than a hot mess. I'm wondering, with several years of recovery under your belt, what is this really about? I'm not saying it's you, but there are some men in NA who are only drawn to newcomers for the hero-worship and control factor they get. Take a look at what you're really attracted to here. How come you aren't finding that attraction to the many women in your life who have lots of clean time?

KJ

[CrackQuack]

I voted maybe, because if the person's DOC differs from mine, I could do it, but carefully. If their DOC was the same, I would feel as if I were playing with fire.... IDK...

[Chauncy]

What's DOC?

[Rowan]

DOC = drug of choice.

I recently started attending SLAA to help me in this area also - I, too, choose partners who are emotionally unavailable - so I steer clear of dating the newcomer, although I have in the past. It's never worked out well.

[barb dwyer]

none for me, either, thanks.

[Rob B]

I've never asked but I'm pretty sure my wife wouldn't appreciate it. Let's say I was single, nobody in early recovery would have anything I would find remotely appealing in the way of emotional stability or a spiritual way of living. Who knows, maybe your situation is different. It'll work out the way it's supposed to.

[Ago]

nobody in early recovery would have anything I would find remotely appealing in the way of emotional stability or a spiritual way of living. Who knows, maybe your situation is different. It'll work out the way it's supposed to.

Beneath every skirt is a slip

I say date her, you want to learn about your issues? You want pain like you have never ever had? You want a growth experience like no other?

Date a newcomer.

I did.

I didn't need to just touch all of the "hot stoves" hell, I had to sleep with them. (I got sober young in a very large youthful fellowship, the dynamics are a bit different with people getting sober in their late teens, early twenties)

When my sponsees in the past have started eyeballing the hot newcomer and the two of them "fall in love" I just step aside and wait for it to pass, sometimes it takes years, sometimes weeks, but I have never seen it happen where my sponsees didn't come back eventually with more desperation and willingness to work the steps even when they walked in the doors of AA the first time, because they were in more pain.

I had to learn the hard way, that "no new relationships for a year" is not there to protect the newcomer (except for sexual predation) it's there to protect us FROM the newcomer, but it was a lesson I needed to learn myself.

This is from a guy who's favorite shirt his first few years in sobriety was a Tshirt that read "Straight Pepper Diet"

"You date a newcomer you get everything you deserve."

That statement has special meaning for me, because I shared that at a pretty large meeting, that week my GF decided to get sober, so the very next week, there I was, at the exact same meeting sitting with a girl as she was holding my hand and raising her other one to identify as a newcomer.

Over the next year or so as I slid into the abyss of insanity and mental pain the likes of which I had NEVER experienced my friends would use that quote and DIE laughing when I called them up to cry about my miserable existence with my insane GF.

I have seen relationships that HAVE worked out like that in many many years of AA, but I also read in the papers about people getting struck by lightning. Much more often I have seen people drink over it, I am one of those people, but IMO they had a lesson to learn, I am not their "God", and "their God" obviously had a plan for them to help them learn something which they weren't able to do painlessly, so stronger measures, ie incredible pain were needed to teach the necessary lesson. Today I try to pay attention to what HP says, because not doing so F'ing HURTS and my HP has a way of ensuring I learn the lesson regardless, it's just the more I "go my own way" and ignore the "signs", the more painful it is, the stupider I insist on being, the more painful the lesson, it's a mathematical certainty.

If you are meant to be together, nothing will keep you apart, and if you are meant to be apart, nothing will keep you together, so waiting a year could only be a good thing, but I suffer from an inability to learn from the experience of others, I suspect you are the same way since you already know the answer to your question but went 'answer shopping" here at SR anyway.

One of the hardest things I learned in AA is I WASN'T unique, and that the "rules" actually DO apply to me, possibly, as was mentioned, you're different.

Stranger things have happened.

Good Luck

[Inquisitive7]

Love your signature, splendra! Gotta remember THAT one.

[vegibean]

So glad I found this thread. Thanks for the shares and thank you to the OP for presenting the question.

[mcasey]

I need to talk to Ago and anyone else who has some thoughtful experience on the matter of newcomer/oldtimer trigger and the aftermath. I need serious replies, only, and would like to hear from those who have experienced the obsessive love of a newcomer. Thanks. I am new and cannot post personal emails. please pm me here if you have some insights on struggling with the aftermath, both publicly and privately.

Thanks - mcasey

[miamifella]

Funny how everyone SAYS they would not do this, but when someone new dates someone in the program it gets praised as a final break with their old life.

[Ago]

Originally Posted by miamifella

Funny how everyone SAYS they would not do this, but when someone new dates someone in the program it gets praised as a final break with their old life.

Not by people with sobriety it doesn't

That doesn't mean we didn't have some sort of experience one side of the coin or the other on this issue, we just know it's not a good idea, but it happens.

I swore I'd never date a newcomer again and the girl I was dating went to a few alanon meetings and figured out she was an alcoholic, started comong to meetings and raising her hand, there I was again, 15 years later dating a batshit crazy newcomer girl.

And for the people that did date a newcomer or dated in their first year but recommend against it without coming clean they did it themselves, Fook em, AA has hypocrites just like everywhere else, I find hypocrites tedious in the extreme.

"New" people dating is fun to watch, like Tidal waves, Nuclear explosions, and Jerry Springer is fun to watch.

No one with time or that has worked the steps will "praise" such utter lunacy though.

What is YOUR experience with dating in the program?

Have you dated someone with more then a year in the program? less then a year? have you ever gotten a year and then dated?

NA isn't AA.

[ElegantlyWasted]

Never say never, talk to your sponsor ( I know what the " suggestion" will be). Some people need to learn from experience. I have a feeling if you look back at others you have dated you can find a similar situation outside the context of aa. Suffice it so say my opinion is that the odds are heavily against anything constructive comming out of it. This newcommer still need to figure out who they really are, before anything real can happen IMHO.

[Threshold]

Newcomer here...began recovery in April. Pledged to no new relatinships for two years. 6 weeks later a man with 3 1/2 yrs clean time who I had previously entertained a relationship with and I got interested in one another.

I thought about my pledge, justified it as not being technically a NEW relationship....and the relapses began...

Relationship ended 2 months ago...more roller coaster using fun, my response to abandonment, losing the love of my adult life, etc etc. I finally got hit hard enough up side the head by reality, the degridation I fell to, and some interesting information about the actual situation of said boyfriend....and hit recovery hard...and how.

THIS MORNING! It dawned on me that all that relationship was, honestly, was another drug to me. I never stopped using, I just was using the thrill of the chemistry, no wonder I couldn't stay clean for more than a couple weeks.

I have no skills,judgement, boundaries, or anything resembling them to have a healthy relationship. It's not possible for me now. My original pledge was wisdom, pure wisdom, NO new relationships until I have two years clean time..not even (maybe especially not) with other recoveries.

I was taking emotional hits off him and freaking out when he wasn't available to give me my fix...

Today I am clean, for real, I don't crave what "we had" because I understand finally, that what we had was nothing but another lie. I don't need more emptiness and hollowness in my life, and frankly neither does he.

If you won't stay away from a newbie for the sake of your own sobriety...do it for the newbie's sake. Some of us don't realize that we use relationships the way we use...everything else. And we can't stop using until we recognize what we are doing.

He and I are out of contact, but I honestly worry about the risk he put his own recovery in by getting involved with me...I know now that there was a whole heaping lot of dishonesty and "covering up" he did on his side. I'd hate to think I was in any way party to him relapsing...but I didn't know the very real danger the relationship put us both in...I thought we could be there for each other, he could help me in my recovery, etc etc...

I never felt about anyone the way I felt about him, a real strong connection that just grew and grew over the months, etc etc etc...hey...sounds a heck of a lot like an addiction.

tread carefully

[miamifella]

Ago--

This is one case where I feel the literature has it right and the practice does not. I just think that it is detrimental to recovery to date people you see in the rooms.

I have been very uncomfortable in some groups when I got hit on.

You say NA is not like AA. Maybe it is different--I am a lot more familiar with AA than NA. I am starting with NA and it hasn't come up yet. But in AA, dating within the program has always been seen as a positive in both cities where I attended meetings.

[Ago]

Originally Posted by miamifella

Ago--

This is one case where I feel the literature has it right and the practice does not. I just think that it is detrimental to recovery to date people you see in the rooms.

I have been very uncomfortable in some groups when I got hit on.

You say NA is not like AA. Maybe it is different--I am a lot more familiar with AA than NA. I am starting with NA and it hasn't come up yet. But in AA, dating within the program has always been seen as a positive in both cities where I attended meetings.

Well I'm glad you think it's detrimental, hopefully that will keep you focused on sobriety long enough to actually acquire some.

What I write is in line with what "The literature" says, I know what that is, do you? I actually have it memorized...do you?

So please go to any AA meeting in the world and ask if anyone thinks this is "a good thing": Quick breakdown: I've been clean for a few years and she's been clean for a bit over a month. There's a very strong connection between the two of us that neither of us have ever felt before

When the laughter subsides, the consensus will be among experienced sober people that the "strong connection" between the two of them is their matching mental illnesses

Anyway, this is a case of me not being interested in an opinion you have of something you have no experience with, think what you like, and it's probably a VERY good idea you don't date in the rooms for a number of reasons, not least is your own sobriety.