Advice, in love with addict, can he get better

[rachell]

I am involved with an addict, two years although heres the cracker ..... i got involved with him even though i knew he was an addict, ive known him all my life since we were kids im were 30 now. We have a year and a half of maddness, i never used heroin but he did and everything else he could inject up his arm. We started seeing each other as friends but after a couple of months we fell for each other, well i dunno if an addict is capable of love but he tried. He did so many cold turkeys within that first year and a half as he wanted a life for us and he hated using heroin, he has being a user for eight years, being to rehad about ten times and has stayed sober on and off within those eight years. Anyway i ended up leaving him as i was sick of the pain of seeing him in that state as its the worry of you getting a phonecall really that he has overdosed. So he came to me and begged me for one last chance as he got himself on the methadone programe. It seemed to work for him but low and behold two months in he took a load of valium one night and used the next day, i freaked out and left straight away but i couldnt go through with it it was two hard and ended up going back a week later, so i saw it as a blip that only lasted a couple of days but three months on im here again. THis time its lasted a week and a half and within that week and a half hes written off car number four and being in hospital to get his stomach pumped, i just dont understand it as we were really happy, he would constanly say how happy he was and that he can see things clear now and we talked marraige and everything in fact the day before his bender started he wrote me a lovely card with a bunch of flowers saying how happy he was and how he had big plans for our future blah blah...then the next day his bender starts, always with the valium first then the rest follows. I have left the apartment of where we lived as i just cannot cry anymore i really cant, i cannot take the phonecalls i get from him completley out of it and completley throwing my day, how i have not had a stroke myself is crazy! As anyone who is with an addict knows what their like when there on these benders and you would have to see it to believe it. So i was meant to meet him tomor to discuss what i was going to do (i certainly do not want to move back in) and about two hours ago i recieved a call from him from the hospital, im sure ill get a great nights sleep!!!! sorry im having a moan now, but i suppose all i want to ask is from a recovering addict ....is this normal behaviour on methedone, (three months good, two weeks bad, three months good cycle)...and what should i do stay or leave. I truly love him althoug my heart is so broke

[sailorjohn]

welcome!!!

Sure, people recover every day of the week, but it's strictly in their hands.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

[Cynay]

Welcome and my heart goes out to you in dealing with all you are dealing with.

I too find it very hard to leave the people I love so much.... I did just what you are ... and so many of us have. The only help I could give you to what your going through is to get yourself into a program..... in the beginning Al-anon worked for me....then came alot of theraphy.....

Unfortunally there are some really good reasons not to get involved with an addict.... that has no recovery. But besides that I know your heart is now involved and I would strongly suggest you get a support system in place to work with this.

I look forward to getting to know you better.... stick around and check out the Friends and Familys form to get a better idea and more support.

[Joeyboy]

Go to Naranon, take some advice from them, they know what they are talking about. I always say, love the addict, hate the addiction. Your boyfriend has a disease that he cannot control. Tough love works really well. Anyway, there's not much you can do, he has to want it. Hope and pray that he gets it.

[Freedom1990]

As an addict in long-term recovery, and as an addict who was a master manipulator in her active addiction and made damned sure she had her enablers in place, I ask you, how many more years of your life do you want to go through this?

He's been to rehab 'about' 10 times. Hon, he's been given the tools to get clean and stay clean.

He chooses not do so.

What you choose to do with your life will determine whether you continue the dance of insanity with the addict or not.

If you do choose to terminate the relationship, I highly recommend you get some counseling to dig deep and find out why you walked into this relationship knowing fully good and well that he was an addict. Then decide if you're willing to make the changes within yourself to not make that choice again. Take it from a gal who's been there. Till we do that, we repeat the same pattern over and over with different men.

:ghug :ghug

[Joeyboy]

So true Freedom. So true.

[josie25]

I understand what you are going through, as I am working on staying away from my alcoholic boyfriend, as I just couldn't cope any more. I also work with drug addicts and alcoholics. If your partner is on a methadone programme and it held him for two months, it means that he chose to go and use again, as he was not in any physical pain and did not need to use (physically). You have to understand that he wants to keep using at the moment and the addictive behaviour is what is controlling him. He could get better if he wants to - really wants to, not for you or anybody else, but for himself. He is actually not yet in recovery - he is an active user making some attempt to get better for you, but not ready to deal with his problem. I have worked with hundreds of people on methadone programmes - many with no intention of getting clean. It just stops them being poorly if they do not have enough money to score their drugs. You can stay with him if you can cope and you want to cope and he may or may not get better, but at the end of the day, the only decision to make is yours and what you are prepared to deal with. You cannot have a meaningful relationship with an active addict, their drug (addiction) is their marriage partner and you can only ever be the mistress (ie second place). Their needs will always come first and yours will be secondary (if acknowledged at all). There is only you that can make the decision. I decided to walk away and I am finding it very difficult to stay away, as I still love him. I just love me too and know that I want to be happy again. Staying away is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but it was my decision and me who lives with the consequences. I am not fully at peace yet, but know that eventually I will be. Try and find the way where you can have some peace again. I wish you all the best whatever your decision, but let it be your decision, not his or anybody elses, as you will be the one who has to cope with the consequences. Take care of you.

[atalose]

To answer your question: What should I do stay or leave??????

I think you already know the answer to that, maybe you are seeking some kind of approval in order to leave. Leaving an active addict shouldn’t bring about quilt, he’s going to use with or without you. OD with or without you.

I would think that moving out is a good step in the right direction and if you know you don’t want to move back in with him, what is it you do want with him, dating him again? If that’s the case, isn’t that a step in a backwards direction?

The best advise I can offer is work on you and why:

i freaked out and left straight away but i couldnt go through with it it was two hard and ended up going back a week later

.

doing something healthy for yourself was so hard...............