Marrying a recovering addict - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7 · 01-13-2009, 01:57 PM

This is something I've really been struggling with:
My fiancee' and I have been together for about 4 years (we've known each other for about 12). We have a 2 year old son. During most of that time he's been using. He also has bipolar disorder, he was diagnosed about 12 years ago. He has been using at least that long. Even so, he has been mostly a good father and partner. He went into treatment most recently in October and is going on 90 days clean. He seems to be doing well with his recovery and is pretty happy. We were planning to get married in June. Everyone says you shouldn't get married with less than 1 year clean.

Besides that, I'm having a moral issue with marrying him.
I know that NA and AA and Nar/Al-anon says "just for today" and "one day at a time" but marriage isn't "just for today." Marriage is "til death do us part."

I won't say that I'm consumed by the fear of him relapsing, I don't believe that to be true. But, realistically, I know there are things that could happen that might make me decide one day that I don't want to continue with the relationship. I imagine most people have these "deal-breakers" in their marriages or prospective marriages.

But how can I honestly stand up there and swear to him and to God that I will honor our marriage "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse" when I know there's a chance that someday, if he relapses again and again, I may decide to leave?

Just for today, I truly love him and want to continue our relationship, but I want to do the right thing and I don't want to lie to anyone.

We've talked about it, and his answer is "go to nar-anon." I've been to a few meetings and I want to go to more, but i've just started back to work for the first time since our son was born and i'm unsure about how to balance going to meetings and spending time with him after work. Also, there's an issue with childcare since my fiancee's meetings are in the evenings also.

I guess my question is this: when dealing with an addict, do you have to assume traditional marriage vows or should we use the "just for today" philosophy?

Please offer feedback! I know that some of you have been in similar situations so ANY input is appreciated!
Thank you!

Bamboozle · 01-13-2009, 02:51 PM

Hello, katy. Welcome to SR!

Someone will probably be along soon to help...I just wanted to welcome you to this site. Keep reading and posting!

sailorjohn · 01-13-2009, 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by k1a2t3h4r5y6n7

This is something I've really been struggling with:
My fiancee' and I have been together for about 4 years (we've known each other for about 12). We have a 2 year old son. During most of that time he's been using. He also has bipolar disorder, he was diagnosed about 12 years ago. He has been using at least that long. Even so, he has been mostly a good father and partner. He went into treatment most recently in October and is going on 90 days clean. He seems to be doing well with his recovery and is pretty happy. We were planning to get married in June. Everyone says you shouldn't get married with less than 1 year clean.

Besides that, I'm having a moral issue with marrying him.
I know that NA and AA and Nar/Al-anon says "just for today" and "one day at a time" but marriage isn't "just for today." Marriage is "til death do us part."

I won't say that I'm consumed by the fear of him relapsing, I don't believe that to be true. But, realistically, I know there are things that could happen that might make me decide one day that I don't want to continue with the relationship. I imagine most people have these "deal-breakers" in their marriages or prospective marriages.

But how can I honestly stand up there and swear to him and to God that I will honor our marriage "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse" when I know there's a chance that someday, if he relapses again and again, I may decide to leave?

Just for today, I truly love him and want to continue our relationship, but I want to do the right thing and I don't want to lie to anyone.

We've talked about it, and his answer is "go to nar-anon." I've been to a few meetings and I want to go to more, but i've just started back to work for the first time since our son was born and i'm unsure about how to balance going to meetings and spending time with him after work. Also, there's an issue with childcare since my fiancee's meetings are in the evenings also.

I guess my question is this: when dealing with an addict, do you have to assume traditional marriage vows or should we use the "just for today" philosophy?

Please offer feedback! I know that some of you have been in similar situations so ANY input is appreciated!
Thank you!

Okay, here's how it's supposed to work. We always assume that the addict not in recovery chooses to be an active addict. While it is a disease, it is not a question of 'sickness and health', it is the addicts' choice to go back out again. So it wouldn't be a question of breaking the marital vows if he goes back out, it would be more akin to him being unfaithful.

sailorjohn · 01-13-2009, 07:36 PM

So sorry, can be socially inept at times.

welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

justanothrdrunk · 01-14-2009, 09:38 AM

When I was in treatment, the subject of me and the wife having a child came up in a group session with me, my counselor and my wife. We didn't have any children at the time.

My wife was concerned about me relapsing after we had our first child. She really wanted children. The counselor asked her if she was okay with being a single mom if it came down to it. And she was. Thus, we had a child and are working on our second. Not pregnant yet, but trying.

Even though there were no vows said when conceiving the child, the sentiment is the same. I didn't vocalize any promises that I would be a father to the child, better for worse, or anything like that. Nor did I think that now I needed to stay sober forever (not just for today) in order to remain a good father to my son.

In addition, what if he weren't an addict? And what if after you were married, he did something horrible like commit murder or some sort of pedophillia (extreme examples, follow me on this one)? You promised, for better or worse, right? This is something everyone could potentially face, not just the future spouse of an addict/alcoholic.

Sugah · 01-14-2009, 09:51 AM

After determining that we were morally on the same page, there were two "deal breakers" my husband and I discussed. One is infidelity and the other is relapse. Although I can't say for certain that I'd leave him if he picked up a drink, I don't promise to stay with him. I've given enough of my life to active addiction, both my own and those I chose to have around me. To paraphrase John, someone working a program of recovery regains choice in the matter of drinking and using. To make a conscious decision to stop working a program and/or pick up is akin to infidelity--choosing to return to sickness instead of maintaining health in a relationship. That's breach of contract.

Sexual infidelity? That's breach of contract, too. I'm outta there. And that goes both ways.

We married when we were both a little over 2 1/2 years sober. We got engaged a year before, and for both of us, I was in no hurry. That's not as long as your fiance has been clean, but I suppose you have up to June to change your mind.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

k1a2t3h4r5y6n7 · 01-14-2009, 12:59 PM

It's not so much that. I am happy with him and whether we're married or not, I want to continue the relationship for - well, for the rest of our lives. I just feel like a lot of people go into marriages on sort of a "trial" basis. You know, "well, if this doesn't work out, there's always divorce." I just don't know if I want to go into our marriage with the understanding that "well, if he relapses, I can back out."
And the possibility of relapse will always be there. That's not really something that will fade away over time.
But I really want our relationship to grow and get stronger and closer. I'm not thinking about leaving right now...

We are meeting with the minister who's doing our premarital counseling in a few weeks, for the first time since treatment. Hopefully some things will be figured out there too.

pegasus · 01-18-2009, 08:47 AM

Hello, just to point out that they are never recovered, once an addict always an addict. Its just if they remain active or not. I would think that the best thing you could do for yourself is to visit the "Family and Friends of Substance Abusers" board and see what kind of lives and issues they are dealing with. I too married a recovered Crack user. Niave at the time to think he was fixed. He was 5 yrs clean when we met. I wish I had known about this disease before I chose to marry him. In brief he fell off a couple of times after 2 yrs of marriage. Then he would fall off every 3 months. Then instead of being gone a day it went to 2 days until his binges kept him away for as long as 2 weeks or how ever long he had money. Everything changed he lied he drained our accounts always promising that he wasn't going to use again. So now we have 2 young children I am alone because he is currently at a 3 month rehab facility. Last year alone he went to 3 one month treatment centers and was fine for about 3 months then it started all over again. Its a hard life. Loving someone so much that we unknowingly become enablers. Everything will be about them. In there addiction they dont care about your well being or security. A few times I needed him to be here for me and he was on a run. It is harder because our kids are getting older and asking "where's daddy" when is he coming home. And you cant answer that.
Please just be prepared and know the reality of this disease before you make your decission. I am sorry if this sounds hard....but its a hard life with an addict.

pegasus · 01-18-2009, 09:01 AM

On another note... I just re-read a few of your posts and I keep hearing what you want....With an addict he will always want his DOC first. That is their love ever more than you and any future children you have. But that's the sad reality of it.

bugsworth · 01-18-2009, 09:08 AM

I think what pegasus meant was the reality is SOME addicts will choose their DOC....not all. I'm glad you will be meeting with a minister, I'm sure it will help answer your questions. Best of luck!

pegasus · 01-18-2009, 09:13 AM

I am sorry.. Bugsworth is correct. I ment for the ones that are in active addiction
Thank you for clearifying that.

NoChoice · 01-24-2009, 06:50 AM

Hey! I am in recovery...been sober 14 years. I married an A that I had known for a long time. I had no idea. I put on big old blinders because I wanted to be married to him. I remember calling my matron of honor the night before crying, my sponsor told me I could change my mind until I said I do. I didn't listen to my gut. We married and as he (not your finance) continued to use, disrespect, verbally abuse, and reprimand me for his behavior I stood behind my vows...whoa then the lights came on and I realized that my momma didn't raise me to be treated like that. Staying there was not good for me. What you have before the marriage is what you will have after the ceremony. If that is ok with you, great. I guess I would say "listen to your gut" If you feel any uncertainty, hold off. I know it is easy for me to say that things can be postponed and not want I wanted to hear but they can. Best of luck to you!

01-13-2009, 01:57 PM	#1 (permalink)
k1a2t3h4r5y6n7 Searching for Serenity Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: North Carolina Posts: 128	Marrying a recovering addict This is something I've really been struggling with: My fiancee' and I have been together for about 4 years (we've known each other for about 12). We have a 2 year old son. During most of that time he's been using. He also has bipolar disorder, he was diagnosed about 12 years ago. He has been using at least that long. Even so, he has been mostly a good father and partner. He went into treatment most recently in October and is going on 90 days clean. He seems to be doing well with his recovery and is pretty happy. We were planning to get married in June. Everyone says you shouldn't get married with less than 1 year clean. Besides that, I'm having a moral issue with marrying him. I know that NA and AA and Nar/Al-anon says "just for today" and "one day at a time" but marriage isn't "just for today." Marriage is "til death do us part." I won't say that I'm consumed by the fear of him relapsing, I don't believe that to be true. But, realistically, I know there are things that could happen that might make me decide one day that I don't want to continue with the relationship. I imagine most people have these "deal-breakers" in their marriages or prospective marriages. But how can I honestly stand up there and swear to him and to God that I will honor our marriage "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse" when I know there's a chance that someday, if he relapses again and again, I may decide to leave? Just for today, I truly love him and want to continue our relationship, but I want to do the right thing and I don't want to lie to anyone. We've talked about it, and his answer is "go to nar-anon." I've been to a few meetings and I want to go to more, but i've just started back to work for the first time since our son was born and i'm unsure about how to balance going to meetings and spending time with him after work. Also, there's an issue with childcare since my fiancee's meetings are in the evenings also. I guess my question is this: when dealing with an addict, do you have to assume traditional marriage vows or should we use the "just for today" philosophy? Please offer feedback! I know that some of you have been in similar situations so ANY input is appreciated! Thank you!

01-13-2009, 02:51 PM	#2 (permalink)
Bamboozle I got nothin' Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: My house. Posts: 4,814 Blog Entries: 14	Hello, katy. Welcome to SR! Someone will probably be along soon to help...I just wanted to welcome you to this site. Keep reading and posting! __________________ A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

01-13-2009, 07:36 PM	#4 (permalink)
sailorjohn Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Baghdad Posts: 2,824	So sorry, can be socially inept at times. welcome!!! Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here. __________________ Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.

01-14-2009, 09:51 AM	#6 (permalink)
Sugah Om, Aum, Ohm... Mini Pool 2 Champion! Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh Posts: 4,657	After determining that we were morally on the same page, there were two "deal breakers" my husband and I discussed. One is infidelity and the other is relapse. Although I can't say for certain that I'd leave him if he picked up a drink, I don't promise to stay with him. I've given enough of my life to active addiction, both my own and those I chose to have around me. To paraphrase John, someone working a program of recovery regains choice in the matter of drinking and using. To make a conscious decision to stop working a program and/or pick up is akin to infidelity--choosing to return to sickness instead of maintaining health in a relationship. That's breach of contract. Sexual infidelity? That's breach of contract, too. I'm outta there. And that goes both ways. We married when we were both a little over 2 1/2 years sober. We got engaged a year before, and for both of us, I was in no hurry. That's not as long as your fiance has been clean, but I suppose you have up to June to change your mind. Peace & Love, Sugah __________________ There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done Keep me in your heart for awhile ~WZ ANS 01/29/86 - 08/04/08 DAS 02/27/63 - 05/11/12

01-24-2009, 06:50 AM	#12 (permalink)
NoChoice Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Somewhere out there Posts: 156	Been there Hey! I am in recovery...been sober 14 years. I married an A that I had known for a long time. I had no idea. I put on big old blinders because I wanted to be married to him. I remember calling my matron of honor the night before crying, my sponsor told me I could change my mind until I said I do. I didn't listen to my gut. We married and as he (not your finance) continued to use, disrespect, verbally abuse, and reprimand me for his behavior I stood behind my vows...whoa then the lights came on and I realized that my momma didn't raise me to be treated like that. Staying there was not good for me. What you have before the marriage is what you will have after the ceremony. If that is ok with you, great. I guess I would say "listen to your gut" If you feel any uncertainty, hold off. I know it is easy for me to say that things can be postponed and not want I wanted to hear but they can. Best of luck to you!

01-14-2009, 09:38 AM	#5 (permalink)
justanothrdrunk Retired Pro Drunk Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Saint Paul, MN Posts: 881	When I was in treatment, the subject of me and the wife having a child came up in a group session with me, my counselor and my wife. We didn't have any children at the time. My wife was concerned about me relapsing after we had our first child. She really wanted children. The counselor asked her if she was okay with being a single mom if it came down to it. And she was. Thus, we had a child and are working on our second. Not pregnant yet, but trying. Even though there were no vows said when conceiving the child, the sentiment is the same. I didn't vocalize any promises that I would be a father to the child, better for worse, or anything like that. Nor did I think that now I needed to stay sober forever (not just for today) in order to remain a good father to my son. In addition, what if he weren't an addict? And what if after you were married, he did something horrible like commit murder or some sort of pedophillia (extreme examples, follow me on this one)? You promised, for better or worse, right? This is something everyone could potentially face, not just the future spouse of an addict/alcoholic.

01-14-2009, 12:59 PM	#7 (permalink)
k1a2t3h4r5y6n7 Searching for Serenity Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: North Carolina Posts: 128	It's not so much that. I am happy with him and whether we're married or not, I want to continue the relationship for - well, for the rest of our lives. I just feel like a lot of people go into marriages on sort of a "trial" basis. You know, "well, if this doesn't work out, there's always divorce." I just don't know if I want to go into our marriage with the understanding that "well, if he relapses, I can back out." And the possibility of relapse will always be there. That's not really something that will fade away over time. But I really want our relationship to grow and get stronger and closer. I'm not thinking about leaving right now... We are meeting with the minister who's doing our premarital counseling in a few weeks, for the first time since treatment. Hopefully some things will be figured out there too.

01-18-2009, 08:47 AM	#8 (permalink)
pegasus Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 30	Hello, just to point out that they are never recovered, once an addict always an addict. Its just if they remain active or not. I would think that the best thing you could do for yourself is to visit the "Family and Friends of Substance Abusers" board and see what kind of lives and issues they are dealing with. I too married a recovered Crack user. Niave at the time to think he was fixed. He was 5 yrs clean when we met. I wish I had known about this disease before I chose to marry him. In brief he fell off a couple of times after 2 yrs of marriage. Then he would fall off every 3 months. Then instead of being gone a day it went to 2 days until his binges kept him away for as long as 2 weeks or how ever long he had money. Everything changed he lied he drained our accounts always promising that he wasn't going to use again. So now we have 2 young children I am alone because he is currently at a 3 month rehab facility. Last year alone he went to 3 one month treatment centers and was fine for about 3 months then it started all over again. Its a hard life. Loving someone so much that we unknowingly become enablers. Everything will be about them. In there addiction they dont care about your well being or security. A few times I needed him to be here for me and he was on a run. It is harder because our kids are getting older and asking "where's daddy" when is he coming home. And you cant answer that. Please just be prepared and know the reality of this disease before you make your decission. I am sorry if this sounds hard....but its a hard life with an addict.

01-18-2009, 09:01 AM	#9 (permalink)
pegasus Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 30	On another note... I just re-read a few of your posts and I keep hearing what you want....With an addict he will always want his DOC first. That is their love ever more than you and any future children you have. But that's the sad reality of it.

01-18-2009, 09:08 AM	#10 (permalink)
bugsworth Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,877	I think what pegasus meant was the reality is SOME addicts will choose their DOC....not all. I'm glad you will be meeting with a minister, I'm sure it will help answer your questions. Best of luck!

01-18-2009, 09:13 AM	#11 (permalink)
pegasus Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 30	I am sorry.. Bugsworth is correct. I ment for the ones that are in active addiction Thank you for clearifying that.

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