"Healthy Selfishness"

[LaDita]

A long time ago a very wise man at a recovery group told me as I was leaving, "Be more selfish".
I'm pretty sure I know what he meant but it's still confusing to me. To me 'selfish' has always been a bad word. It means 'self-centered', 'greedy', and having a lack of compassion.
But I think what he meant was "Put your needs first".
Sort of like the oxygen mask scenario; always put yours on before you help someone else put on theirs.

I realized after a recent experience (where I gave in to drinking), that I was putting my safety second to the possibility of someone's feelings getting hurt. Then I started to realize how many times I've done that same thing.
I seem to be attracted to or by people who are in crisis. There was a time I lent someone money when I didn't really have it to give away and then found out they lied to me for the reason they needed it.
I am wondering if this is co-dependent behavior and something I should look into.

But does anyone else have an interpretation of what Healthy Selfishness means to them?

Thank you,

LD

[Evanna]

I have heard phrases such as 'healthy selfishness' and while i understand them, like you I have to reframe them in order to make a sense of them that works for me. I like your analogy of putting your breathing mask on first.

I see it as being around priorities and responsibilities. For me, recovery is largely about responsibility but I have to be careful because I can try to take on responsibilities that arent mine. In doing so my true responsibilities get neglected.

My no 1 priority is staying clean as without that nothing else gets done and people get damaged. But it is a juggling act because in order to stay clean i have to behave right.

I often hear people say stuff like 'i have got to look after my needs man' when actually they are just using the phrase to not take responsibility for their actions. If i dont take responsibility for my actions then i am walking dangerous ground and threatening my no. 1 priority of staying clean.

Yet, I have nearly killed myself taking on responsibilities that werent mine. My mum died a few years back and my dad & gran suddenly looked to me to take care of them. I got super over-responsible and took it all on. It was like i was the only adult in the family.

I thought i was being responsible but actually they were adults and looking after themselves was their responsibility not mine. In trying to take care of them i failed to prioritise....staying clean & my son (not an adult) were my true responsibilities & no 1 priorities and i missed them as i had gotten so wrapped up in responsibilities that didnt actually belong to me.

So now in different situations now I try to ask myself what my responsibilities and priorities are. I have to consciously check out whether a thing is my responsibility or someone elses. I have to ask what my priorities are.

[mxchaos]

I've spent most of my life taking care of others I don't regret doing it but I didn't take care of my self which lead my relationships to and unhealthy ending. I'm starting a new life on my own and learning that I need to take care of my self first which in turn leads to healthy relationships with others.

[kidsandmemake3]

I wonder if the phrase "be more selfish" that your friend from the recovery group said was another way of describing detatchment?

[utopia]

well ive heard the phrase but i think for me its about taking care of yourself so that YOU ARE ABLE to care for anyone else.

for me its about recovery's structure. I see it as first things first is God. my relationship with God in steps 1 2 and 3. once understood in my own way I come to know and love me in steps 4 5 6 7.....then in steps 8 and 9 i release the guilt and baggage of my relationships with others.. baggage that has always caused relationship problems.....then in step 10 i maintain the new me. i FORGE the new me with gods help day by day little by little....steps 11 deepen my own purpose and life and step 12 allows me to live a life of example and be there for others......this is it in a nutshell buts its been a much more complex journey......

bascially if i dont feel connected to something bigger than me first thing in the day my relatinship withmyself and others tends to suffer.

according to my dictionary being selfish means "to consider only ones own needs without considering any others" nowhere does it say this is good or bad, nor give it any moral judgment.....for me , taking care of myself first may seem selfish but really is making me more able to give more, and realise what is not mine to change and where i need to let go as well.


i think your friend may have been suggesting just to take more time for yourself, do something nice for yourself and get to know yourself.....its funny u post this today because i read something Buddha once said (messenger not as important as message) something like we look over the world for someone deserving of our love but there is no one more deserving of our love than ourselves...YOU deserve your own love the most.