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Old 11-03-2008, 09:11 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I *THINK* my boyfriend is using drugs: Help!

For two and a half years, I've been involved with my boyfriend. We have been through a number of "rough patches". And earlier this year, we welcomed our precious son into the world.

Over the course of this past two and a half years, I've accused him, been very apprehensive to trust him, and been very adamant about showing my distaste for a friend of his that he spends more time with than me. For the past year or so, even before our son was born, I've practically been ripping my hair out trying to figure out what was going on with my boyfriend. It's always been very easy to blame somethings on him cheating, but honestly, I was never satisfied with that. It could explain somethings, but it didn't explain everything. I'm not here to toot my own horn, but I'm a good woman and a great mother. He has told me this and I know it myself. He's said that if he were to get married tomorrow, it'd be to me, so its always been difficult to wrap my mind around him dealing with another woman so much to the point where he would sacrifice us. It simply never made sense. That and so much else, but it's all I could come up with. That is until a few days ago, we had this major blow out and I saw a side of him that scared me and shocked his family. He acted very out of character.

When it comes to this friend, they both "hustle". My friends, family, and I have discussed this situation plenty of times, never quite understanding the "hold" or "bond" between these two individuals that could cause them to spend so much time around one another. Again things are beginning to make sense. MAJOR indicators are (please correct me if I'm wrong):

*Although my boyfriend has been gambling with his freedom and life for years "hustling", he has nothing to show for it.
* His days and night are mixed - he can sleep all day, and stay up ALL night, easily
* His personal hygiene/appearance is not up to par anymore; he can go weeks at a time without getting a hair cut
* MANY times he has said that he was going to do something and never did it (i.e. he'd say he was going to come over later in the night, never to be heard from or seen again...repeatedly)
* Can go days, even weeks, without being intimate with me
* Compulsive liar; he often lies about things that he's either already admitted to or doesn't need to lie about
* Spends a disturbing amount of time with this older, "hustling" friend. He can easily spend ALL day with him, regardless of what is going on elsewhere
* He has no ambition or heed for anything. It is far too easy for him to say, "I don't care" to just about everything.
* Mood swings; one minute he can be giddy, bordering loud and obnoxious. Other times he's in this miserable, almost hateful, defensive funk.
* He's admitted (proudly) to smoking marijuana, but if a bigger habit is even hinted at, he gets very corrective and defensive (i.e. "I ain't no damn *****head")

Am I far-fetching with this one? I love this man with all my heart, but I'm not sure I can take this...or if I'm just looking for other reasons to justify and/or explain him being a total jerk off.
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Old 11-03-2008, 11:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR!

I can't tell you whether he's using something other than pot, but I can understand your concerns.

Regardless of whether he is, or isn't, it sounds like you are getting fed up with his behaviors. You don't have to have "proof" to do something about the situation. A relationship is supposed to be give and take...sounds like you're doing most of the giving.

I highly recommend you check out the friends&family/substance abuse forum. There are a lot of wonderful people there, and it gets more traffic than this thread, although you are more than welcome to post anywhere!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 11-04-2008, 08:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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In my experience, if I take a known addict, he'll be displaying (most of the time) all of the qualities you have shared.

But those qualities alone don't necessarily make someone an addict. I mean, he could just be a good ol' bum!

The impression I get is that he's a pothead.

I also get the impression that you're minimizing the pot use. Let's say it is only the grass and no other drugs. How is that any better than if he is using crack?
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Old 11-04-2008, 10:53 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Well, I only "minimize" its importance, because everybody does it...at least where I live. It's a question asked just as often, or appropriately, as one's name, amongst young adults.

Plus, I know many people who are potheads and they don't careless about themselves; their life, their money, their appearance, their children, and the people that love them. Ok, let me take that back. I don't mean "careless". That's one of the biggest issues.

One minute he is raving about his love for his son, or love for me, or need to change but it's almost like he has no control over his INactions to do anything about it. To be a pothead is one thing - but to be OKAY with your life amounting to nothing? He's in his mid 20's, good looking, and smart. 'Hood', yes, but I've seen many men come up and out of that, if not completely, they make it appear as though they have.
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Old 11-04-2008, 11:06 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome Geminista!

He very well may just be a jerk and/or a pothead BUT the statement about him sleeping all day or up all night makes me suspicious that it is more than that. The pot I have smoked in the past, does not lend to these actions.

I am curious though what exactly you mean by hustling? I can't help but think of billiard players, lol. Have you seen any other signs such as teeth decay, pupils dilated, stain/burn marks on fingers, needle marks, stuffy nose all the time, etc?

Most importantly I think you need to refocus on you and your baby. There is nothing you can do about him. You can not control him, you can only control you. Please visit the friends and family forum area. There is LOTS of support there!
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Old 11-04-2008, 11:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Speaking as a woman who came from where you are I am going to give you my advice......if you do not quit nagging you are going to lose him because of YOU. I know having a child can cause your hormones to go nuts but you have to find a way to chill-ax.
You picked this man. All you can do is accept him the way he is or express what YOU are having issues with and ask if he would consider changing his ways for the relationship......or leave.
You can't just have a baby and think they grow up or they become some great picture perfect guy.
The majority of the time woman grow up and step up to the plate while the man returns to whence he came.... a boy.
You can not pick his friends, his hobbies, his bad habits, his sleeping pattern, etc.
I suggest sitting down with him as an adult and make a plan for your future. Nit picking is going to cause that sweet baby son to become a paranoid, narotic, full of anxiety child.
Try and find a co-dependant meeting. Your child deserves to have all of you and you can not be that if you are being Capt detective.
I wish you the best.
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Old 11-04-2008, 06:59 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Geminista,

I am sorry for what you're going thru. As you've probably figured out, many of us here have had circumstances similar to yours.

Here's what I learned in my journey:

I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it.

Whether or not my loved one is an alcoholic or addict isn't for me to decide. I can determine that someone else's behavior is a problem for me and that qualifies me for Al Anon or Nar Anon.

I learned that no matter what I said or what I did, my loved one was going to do what he was going to do. It wasn't about me. He wasn't doing it TO me, he was just doing it.

There is a lot of terrific information here on the forums. You might find it helpful to read the stickies at the top of the various forums. We have specific places for friends and family members of alcoholics and addicts, each has its own information and threads.

When I realized that my life was unmanageable, I sought out a counselor who sent me to Al Anon. I can honestly say that Al Anon saved my life. I learned a new way to cope with the craziness around me. I learned to focus on me and my behaviors. I learned (for the first time, really) that I had choices.

All of these things are available to you if you choose to seek them out. As they say in the closing at Al Anon and Nar Anon meetings - "many of us find help. You can find serenity and even happiness whether the alcoholic or addicts continues to drink or use or not."

Welcome to SR. I hope you are able to find the help and support and answers you're lookng for.
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Old 11-05-2008, 07:56 AM   #8 (permalink)
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TTOSBT

Yes, exactly. I've seen my fair share of laziness, immature irresponsibility, and, well, potheads, but I've never seen marijuana bring on effects such as that. Not unless it's been tainted with something that is significantly mood altering; particularly when it's not being smoked.

Again, I could be totally wrong, but it's making the most sense. It explains his actions, but I will admit that I don't see too many physical (appearance) signs of drug abuse other than this his eyes being either blood shot red or yellow. No track marks or stuffy nose.

And when I say he's a "hustler", he's a petty dealer. No big bucks are coming from that, which is another, significant indication in my eyes. Why do it at all?

Stubborn1

I understand what you're saying. I really do. I've heard this time and time before, and will not hesitate to admit that my "nagging" has made the situation no better, by any means. But it's a lop-sided issue for sure. Truth of the matter is, I was very honest with the kind of person I was and what I wanted from day one. Now, in my eyes, I don't feel he was the same. I feel as though he was deceitful, which means all bets are off, and it's time for me to respond angrily. Everyone makes their own choices, yes, but I don't need to reiterate how LOVE and HOPE can make a person go gaga, especially if they're repeatedly being told what they want to hear.

"All you can do is accept him the way he is or express what YOU are having issues with and ask if he would consider changing his ways for the relationship......or leave."

That's exactly what I have done, repeatedly. But what do you do when you've expressed this, realized the person won't (or isn't now) changing, express separation and the person won't leave you alone? He knows just what to say to keep me holding out.

CatsPajamas

Thank you so much for the intellectual, kind words! I really appreciate that.
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