Still Can't Figure Relationships Out

[Free4now]

Since I have been clean (almost 5 years) I have had only one relationship; a guy I met in the rooms. After several months I left for a week to visit family in another state and he relapsed, stole my new car, I found some girls G-string undies in my hallway by my room and I ended it. I haven't even FLIRTED with any guy and they don't seem to approach me. I am good looking and look young for age (44). I am kind and compassionate but have not always been that way - when I was using I was "gangsta". My youngest son just moved out and I am alone and actually lonely - before one of my four sons was always there. My "picker" has always been quite a bit off so I am scared to be ****** over again. Any advice?

[lovesmenot74]

(((Free4now)))

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you ... I just wanted to send you positive thoughts and strength to protect your heart.

I, personally, think that after this experience I'm going to resolve to be alone ... for me, that is the only action I can take that is guaranteed to keep me emotionally safe. I hope that you are able to find a better way ...

[Cynay]

fWelcome.... so glad your here and trust me your not the only one with a broken picker...... I think I might have discovered the fix for a broken picker though......

Stop picking....

Here is what happened to me.... I always choose guys that were broken, wrong for me, Alcoholic, hard hearted.... you name it.... I have dated more losers then that weight loss program... but finally I got to the point that I was sooo fed up I had no choice but to figure out what was going wrong and the only comon thread in the whole story was ... Me...

That is when I started to work on myself and stop looking for a partner to be with. I started to figure out what type of guy I really wanted... wrote out all the things that were important to me... all the personality traits, character traits... everything.....

Once I had my list I quickly realized that the type of man I was looking for might not be attracted to me because I had alot of work to do on my recovery and myself in general. I wanted a man that was able to have dreams and goals... but I did not have any of my own. I wanted a man with a career that he loved and was a hard worker.... so I realized that there was alot I could do for myself in that department and started looking at careers and not jobs... I started testing and becoming the professional women that would attract a professional man. I wanted a man that could understand my recovery and if not join me at least no think Im crazy.... So I worked my program harder ..... and then I did the most amazing thing.

I let go. I gave it to God and just kept the focus on myself...

Today I will tell you I met the perfect man, he is not perfect ... but so far he is perfect for me and it was totally a Gift from God because I was not looking for him when it happened and to be honest the situation that we met in did not give me reason to think he would be anything more then friends. But as only God can do.... it happened.

Last weekend during a beautiful sunset at the Grand Canyon ... my Mr. Right got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.

If there is anything to take from my story it would be.... Work on the only thing you can... You, be the type of women that will attract the type of man you seek and then let go and let God.

[Ago]

my experience matches Cynay's to a tee

being sober, when I did my steps I found out I wasn't "manager material" and pretty much the three most dangerous words I can say are "I was thinking"

If I have a good idea, I'd better call my sponsor, if I have a "great" idea, I'd better drive straight to his house.

This especially applies to my relationship history, if "I pick them" or "go looking" it's a disaster

If I do the next right thing, clean house, and trust God, it's just like "when the student is ready, the master appears, but with loooove, that has been my experience.

I was in a long term relationship in sobriety, and I just ended up having to move away so we parted ways, she is by far my best friend today.

After I moved, things got "very uncomfortable" so I ran out and got in a relationship to "fill that hole" or avoid my feelings, or whatever, I got in a relationship because I was lonely...I got in a relationship for the same reason I drank, to "change the way I feel"

Also, I need to be careful what I wish for, after I parted ways with my ex, I said only half way joking, OK God, enough with all this emotional stability crap, I want hot sex and drama

I'd like to personally say thank you God for...umm...listening to me and proving beyond a shadow of a doubt I don't know what's best for me.

/mutter mumble gnashes teeth

probably be years of step work and therapy now before I'll be ready to date again

that's humor...but...maybe not.../sigh

I found getting commitments as things as a "greeter" or even secretary helped get me out of my head as well as brought me into contact with men and women both ...you can't be shy and be a greeter you know? doing some "visible" commitments where I had to interact helped me immensly.

Good luck

[lovesmenot74]

well i had signed off from relationships when i met my exabf ... I wasn't looking - I was happy on my own and accepted and welcomed the fact that I was going to be going it alone in life ... I didn't "pick" him ... we were friends and it grew from there ... so I'm not sure that "not looking" really works for everyone ... I thought he was sent to me - in the beginning he was everything I'd ever listed as far as "must haves" but it soon changed.

[sunshinebluesky]

yes,it is a confusing thing,this whole relationship issue. i agree and have lived what two people here said....this one

I, personally, think that after this experience I'm going to resolve to be alone ... for me, that is the only action I can take that is guaranteed to keep me emotionally safe. I hope that you are able to find a better way ...

and this one

I wasn't looking - I was happy on my own and accepted and welcomed the fact that I was going to be going it alone in life ... I didn't "pick" him ... we were friends and it grew from there ... so I'm not sure that "not looking" really works for everyone ... I thought he was sent to me - in the beginning he was everything I'd ever listed as far as "must haves" but it soon changed.

since i left my a-ex, i have not been able to find a decent relationship.over three years now. the longest i have dated anyone is a few months, which i guess is a good thing since i have finally learned not to ignore the red flags. most of the few men i meet that are supposedly interested in me have issues. big issues. the others want sex. to me, i find the men in the past ten years or so,are very different.i,rarely get approached anymore. at first,i thought it was me,but my friends tell me the same.
at times,i do get lonely and long for someone,but times like tonight when i pull out my old journals and read about some of the crap i have put up with, i am actually relieved to not have to deal with it. and i was one who never thought i would feel this way. im not against a relationship,but im happy without one,too. so,just be yourself and let it be. and trying to find someone in this day and age who will understand and support your staying clean,well good luck with that one. five years is awesome,you should be proud of yourself---you deserve the best,dont ever settle for less just because of lonliness.

[Ago]

Originally Posted by Cynay

Here is what happened to me.... I always choose guys that were broken, wrong for me, Alcoholic, hard hearted.... you name it.... I have dated more losers then that weight loss program... but finally I got to the point that I was sooo fed up I had no choice but to figure out what was going wrong and the only common thread in the whole story was ... Me...

That is when I started to work on myself and stop looking for a partner to be with. I started to figure out what type of guy I really wanted... wrote out all the things that were important to me... all the personality traits, character traits... everything.....

Once I had my list I quickly realized that the type of man I was looking for might not be attracted to me because I had alot of work to do on my recovery and myself in general. I wanted a man that was able to have dreams and goals... but I did not have any of my own. I wanted a man with a career that he loved and was a hard worker.... so I realized that there was alot I could do for myself in that department and started looking at careers and not jobs... I started testing and becoming the professional women that would attract a professional man. I wanted a man that could understand my recovery and if not join me at least no think Im crazy.... So I worked my program harder ..... and then I did the most amazing thing.

I let go. I gave it to God and just kept the focus on myself...

. Work on the only thing you can... You, be the type of women that will attract the type of man you seek and then let go and let God.

These are the things I found absolutely critical for me to look at, and those were the things that exactly matched my experience.

If any woman actually wanted to date me right now, I'd turn and run, because I have a ton of work to do on myself right now.

It's my experience, and I'm just speaking for me, but I always pick my "mirror", and so have my sponsees...and everyone I know....butttt......

what's the old saying, once is coincidence, twice is unlucky, three times means it's enemy action? Well I can and have been my own worse enemy.

I've actually already walked away from some "attention" without a second thought the last few days. The thought of being with someone intimately makes me nauseous, although I am very lonely and long for female contact.

I'm a walking "commercial" for red flags

newly broken up
in a temporary house (4 months left on lease)
no stable career at the moment
in my first year of sobriety

hey, two months ago you could have added jobless and homeless to that list, I am actually happy where I am right now in life, in order for me to escape my situation I needed to "go", and "go now", I probably wouldn't have picked it say, as a child, but I didn't really plan on growing up and being an alcoholic either.

I had to do what I had to do, and "you can't save your a$$ and your face at the same time, so.....I made a decision, and I aint Muhammad Ali (he always went on about how pretty his face was)

So, for me, it's back to the grindstone, back through the steps, learn the lessons the last few years have brought me, and when I'm ready, not when I think I'm ready, but when I'm ready for real to have a relationship, ready internally, I have no doubt in my mind that that "special someone" will be standing in front of me smiling at me.

[utopia]

well amen people. im feeling the title of this thread big time....a lot of it has to do with the ol childhood (again sigh)....its funny even being aware of what im doing i just do it until i know otherwise. and thats painful to grow into a new way. just cant be bothered investing anymore into illusions. its all bshite to me or so it seems. its not as simple as writing some list and then putting it in a god box. tried it. failed it. people would judge it as a personal failure as not "truly" letting go....for me its coming down to this....im seeking from people what my parents could not. did not. would not provide.....soothing comfort, love, support, safety, belonging, the feeling of being wanted of being welcome in my home, in my own skin....also that i want from people which now, after the damages of alcoholism in my family...only God can provide. the love, nourishment and comfort....perhaps im bitter but its just been a failing to get that from a companion. and if i did get it, they would die or leave eventually and what would i do? be just where i am.....growing spirtually seems harder at first but in reality, noone has the power to GIVE me a feeling of peace....i gave up on relationships the other day or so...its like i still want one but due to my ignorance i dont know how to "do" them so ..if i feel more often than not that people are not capable of unconditional love, not on this planet anyway because its all about adhering to acceptable behviour. you act this way, ill act this way. maybe im wrong. maybe im bitter. but i know im tired and over trying and caring to try. in gods hands i place it all.

[Free4now]

I didn't get into too much about my childhood, but you hit the nail on the head; "could not, would not, did not...". I haven't felt "lonely" these past five years until now. I watched other women around me cry in agony over relationships and was glad I wasn't there. I put on tons of weight; probably a protective barrier that I did not realize until now. I was bitter about men - or more so about my choice in men - why did I feel I deserved to be treated so badly and yet be totally loyal? Dah....

Thanks you guys and gals for giving me insight to the answer which I probably already knew but needed reinforcement. Like they say,"If you need to ask you probably already know the answer."

Getting over the fear of getting hurt is the issue that I need to work on. Someone once said that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Hmmm.

[Free4now]

Just what I needed. Thx. I hear the same from my sponsor and other good girl friends, "you're pretty, have a great personality..." I try to explain to them that it is not what everyone might see or know about me OUTSIDE. It's the inside that is not so cool yet...

I guess more work is needed. More trust in HP. More people like you to comment to my feelings and help me feel understood.

thx again!