Newly Sober and New Relationship

[norah155]

Hello:

Need some advice regarding my new boyfriend of 2 months who is newly sober for only three months (and struggling through Step 4 for the past month). I have done quite a bit of research regarding the 1 year rule and the likelihood of these new relationships working out. I understand and respect the purpose of the rule.

When we met for our first date we clicked instantaneously. We have a bit of a past, having grown up together, me having a crush on him most of my childhood, and then bumping into each other just recently after not having seen each other for maybe 16 years. The physical and emotional attraction was very fast and very strong. He was very forthcoming about his addiction, made it a point that his recovery would come first, but also indicated how excited he was to reconnect with me and was also committed to finding love, getting married, and starting a family.

Of course there has been some hesitation from both of us in the past month. I am weary that he will slip and go back to drinking and taking drugs. He is worried about his emotions being so raw and exposed that a new relationship may be too much right now, which is completely understandable. However we have not discussed the need to "take a break". He has only indicated that there may be times when he needs some space from me and not to take it personally or as a threat to the relationship.

We have been very communicative and honest with each other and he is going through his recovery in a very committed fashion. He attends AA 6-7 times per week, talks to his sponsor daily, surrounds himself with people from the program, and has his tough moments and always shares them with me. He also has times when he can be distant with me and I can feel him pulling back a little...but he has been pretty forthcoming about his feelings thus far.

So here is the problem. Because of my past with him (knowing him since I was 5 years old), I fell in love with him within the span of about 4-5 weeks after reconnecting with him. There is so much to love about him that it was almost too easy. I told him that I loved him and he has been very understanding and caring, but still, unable to return the emotion. He said that he is falling in love with me, that he believes I am a positive person in his life, that we fit together so well, and that he wants to build a relationship with me. But he said that right now he is struggling with his emotions overwhelming him and he needs to focus on AA and recovery.

He has not done anything to intentionally hurt me. I appreciate and respect his honesty and do believe that if I remain by him and support him and the fact that his recovery needs to take precedent that he will fall in love with me when he is prepared to deal with those emotions. There is a part of me that swears (just gut instinct) that he is already in love with me as well, but that he just does not know how to deal with the feelings that come along with it. Its just that it hurts to not be on the same page. I am feeling alone and angry that his addiction is standing in the way of his focus on a relationship with me.

I would like to be patient and supportive for him. I am lucky to be with someone who, although he is dealing with recovery, is able to be so sensitive and communicative with me. So right now I am looking for a little encouragement and advice from anyone who has been through this (addict or loved one).

Thanks!!

[Cynay]

Welcome to SR Norah... Im very happy to meet you. I have been away for a little while but when I stopped in and was looking around your post caught my attention.

I understand, probably better then many, what its like to fall in love with an Alcoholic/Addict.... I have been doing it all my life, therefore I also understand how much loving an Alcoholic/Addict can tear you apart and feed my own disease. Now dont take me wrong, Im not saying that a relationship can not work... Im currently in a very loving, happy and strong relationship with an Alcoholic that has 3 1/2 years sober... but I can also tell you that he could have distroyed me in the first year. He was 1 1/2 years sober when we started to date and I was his first sober relationship... he was in NO condition emotionally to be in a relationship with me and had I been in a healthier spot I would have known not to get as close to him as I did so quickly..... but I did.

I can honestly tell you that the first year was a series of breakups, confusion, pain, and working my own program with a vengence. I dont think either of us would have come through if we both did not work a serious dedicated recovery program and honestly even with all that I had to end the relationship this time last year because it just became too painful. Many people advised me that to be in this relationship was not healthy for me... and to be quite honest ... they were right in that first year.

I did end that relationship and it hurt very much.... Im happy to say that we got back together after 3 or 4 months... focused hard on our personal recovery and he went back to counceling... I also sought help outside of my recovery program and today we could not be happier....but Im fully aware it is "one day at a time" and there are not guarentees. If I had any advise to give it would be... take the focus off that relationship right now and start going to Al-anon, CoDA meetings... start working a program for yourself because if you plan to have a future with your recovering Alcoholic/Addict there is much you will need to learn... and you will need to work your own recovery and most of all learn to detach. You will have to come to the understanding that you will always come second to their recovery.... because if you came first, there would probably not be much of a relationship to have.... They have to keep that focus on recovery and it can be a very selfish program in the early years.

I wish you the very best!! and look forward to getting to know you better. Hang you and read all you can, check out some meetings and get a really good idea of how it all works before attaching your heart too deeply.

[TheMissus]

Even without factoring addiction into the equation, 4-5 weeks is pretty quick to fall in love with someone, even getting to know someone can take longer than that.
Maybe it's not just the addiction "in the way", people are different and it can take longer to fall for someone and be sure about ones feelings for some people than it does for others. The fact he isn't just telling you want you want to hear is a good thing, you shouldn't be angry, just take things slowly, what's the rush?

[mary77]

i found my love two years ago iam deeply in love with this man