don't want the relationship- sober or not

[kidsandmemake3]

4 months ago I told my pot head husband to leave. After much drama, he has been living w/his mom and has not used since. He has attended meetings a couple times a week, gone to marraige counseling a couple times, and for those on the outside looking in he his really trying.

The thing is... we have only been married 3 years. I did not comprehend this whole addiction thing until his behaviors interfered so much in daily life that I looked into addiction more, figured out that he was an addict, and made the decision to tell him to go. My first instinct was, "this is not the deal I signed up for" in this marraige. I have 2 disabled kids from my first marriage and a whole lot on my plate as it is with work and all. I wanted a partner and thought I had one. It turns out, I think he saw all I did for my kids and thought I would help him like that as well. Wrong. They are kids, he is a grown man. They had no choice about their disabilities, he created his problems.

I am so angry at him for bringing this addiction thing into my all ready extremely challenging life and dumping it in my lap. He has overturned my life and the life of my children who have all ready been through way too much. I just don't want to deal with a spouse, recovering or not, with all this addiction baggage!

Even in his abstinence and the beginnings of his recovery, I feel like I am in a constant pissing match with his addiction. At every turn there is blame shifting, conversational manipulation, strings attached, and the world revolves around himself behaviors and attitudes.

It seems that his progress is made at my expense. I just don't want a spouse who brings more work than blessings into my life.

The tough part is that he does not see things like this. He thinks he is doing the best he can and says he does not want me to throw away the marriage. I am getting so worn out from being honest with him about my feelings and trying not to make too hasty of a decision about divorce. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but his immaturity, impulsivity and lack of initiative leaves not many alternatives for me to choose from.

The sad thing is that he does not or is not willing to understand where I am coming from with this... and even with hours of frustrating, direct conversation he still pulls this 'confused' line of thinking and turns the conversation into a brow-beating crazy making experience. With him, no progress comes without a crisis, ultimatum, or some kind of drama to instigate it. I find he wants me to be in a punitive, disciplinarian role and I won't play that with him so it's like he tries to create a situation where he thinks I will react that way. When I don't, he manuvers to escalate the situation.

Can anyone help me gain some perspective on this part of the relationship cycle? I really don't want this for my life... this abstinence/recovery stage is as hard as it was when he was using... but with different dramas playing out. This is taking a toll on my serenity, my health, my children, and my ability to care for them at the level they need to be cared for.

[CarolD]

Sounds to me you have valid reasons
to sever ties with your husband.

No one wants to live in drama.

Prayers for all of you ..

[Katronia]

I wish I were where you are!

[gal4me]

You must take care of your children ~period~ they come first now and always and if being with him is not what's best for them then I think you have your answer about whether you're doing the right thing.
I don't take this lightly - I am in the process of initiating a divorce with my .ah. of 16 years. Our battles with his addiction have been drawn out way too long. I have always been of the mindset that when you marry it is forever but when it comes to what's best for your children there is a clear exception.
My .ah. went through short periods of sobriety and when things between us didn't snap back the way he expected them to I guess he gave up, I suspect he didn't think it was worth it since it didn't seem to make things better right away. He never has understood how deeply this has affected me and my feelings for him.
I have no desire to continue our relationship even if he does sober up. I can relate with you on that - "big time" But that doesn't make it any easier to do.

I continue to tell myself that I am doing what is best for my kids - I have tried to be supportive while he helped himself recover but he did not give it a full effort and as a result he has made his decision about where things between us will go. Yes - our daughters will be devistated but compared to the potential affect that his addiction has, it is the lesser of two evils. For years I have been torn between which is worse for my girls, divorce or teaching them by example that they should not feel trapped in a situation that is unhealthy for them or even for their future children..... that's heavy for me. And then I have moments where I'm punishing myself for not doing it sooner. It's rough.
In my case, he is their father and will be forever, and so I will request that he do an outpatient treatment and I will support him from a distance but in the end it will be up to me to educate my daughters about his illness and prepare them to deal with it the best way that I can. I pray that it will be enough to spare them the same exprience in their lives.

Doing the right thing isn't always easy and I wish you the strength and courage to do what you feel is best for your kids. I think your instinct is spot on. I think you already know the answer.
Bless you.

~Gal

[kidsandmemake3]

Thanks, y'all. Gal, you are absolutely on-key by teaching your girls by example. My first marraige ended because I did not want my children to think that the way it was with me and their dad was typical. It wasn't addiction that did it with husband #1... it was a matter of control and personal safety. That was tough, I had to literally drive away from my life, friends, house, all my posessions, job, etc. without saying good-bye... the kids and I started over and a decade later (with thanks to God, the many people that helped us along the way, and a vision I have for a future for us that burns like 'fire in my belly') we are better people for it.

Having the old saying "this is not my first rodeo" under my belt, I do not want to hang on too long like I did with the first marriage and have things become worse because I don't want to face the truth and move on. This time, my children are old enough to remember the details... they were really small when I left their dad... I hope they make better relationship choices than I have because they see me calling it like it is... I can't pretend Prince Charming is still Prince Charming when I open my eyes and realize I have been kissin' a frog.

I would rather deal with consequences that will ultimately lead to the betterment of our lives than be responsible for continuing in the craziness by placing myself and the kids in the middle of it. I am much more serene without husband #2 in my day to day life... when he comes around, the emotional rollercoaster happens.

I have told him that I no longer think of him as a life partner and husband but he is not wanting to grasp it. He is so pathetic and sad, still thinks of me as is wife (but I feel more like a mentor, friend, or even sponsor) and then told me that I would have to be the one to initiate a divorce and move forward with it because it is not what he wants. His addiction has arrested his maturity at about a 13 or 14 year-old level and he really thinks that he has been a good husband. He does not see how difficult living with him is when something occurs that does not revolve around him. Having kids with a high level of special needs means that there is A LOT that doesn't revolve around him... often. Fighting his residual addictive thought patterns is more than I can handle when I am dealing with a developmentally disabled child and another terminally ill child.

It is sooooo hard to tell a person that you care about news that impacts and overturns their life. What makes it even harder is knowing that person does not understand why and probably never will. I am very sad to have to tell my husband that I am no longer willing to be his wife and then to move forward with ending the marriage. I would be even sadder to stay with him because all the work I have done to build a life after the devistation of husband #1 would be underminded. I am most sad because I really thought I had found someone who was interested in being a blessing to me and not a burden.

Doing the right thing can be very lonely. Thanks for your reassuring words and helping me remember to use my courage.

[lizw]

Far out, can I relate to your post.

I've had relationships with 2 different recovering addicts/alkies and then 1 who wasn't in recovery - I didn't even see that one coming either.

And I have been party to what I can only describe as a rather sick relationship with the guy I work for too.

All of these relationships have involved the mental gymnastics you are describing and I think the key to stopping them, including the most recent with the guy I work for, is I stop competing and start taking action instead. I can tell people not to do this and not to do that til I am blue in the face but if they keep doing it, then it is in my best interst to start actiing in away so they can't.

For example, with the guy I work for I have asked and asked and asked for things to be changed. I have been nice, rude, nice and rude but nothing has changed so I have stopped speaking and started looking for another job. Strangely enough though this has not stopped my head coming up with arguments I could start with him but I don't say them out loud because insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. It is insane for me to think, each time I say something, something is going to change when history proves it otherwise.

I don't know what your situation is with your ex, but I'd suggest if you don't want to be in the relationship and he is not listening to you, it may be time to take actions which match your words.

I know it can be hard but after awhile it gets easier.

[kidsandmemake3]

Thank you... I needed to hear that.

[kidsandmemake3]

This past Saturday I met with my recovering AH and asked him to sign divorce papers. It was soooo much harder than I thought it would be. I cried after and he asked me why I was crying if this is what I wanted... I just had no words to describe it to him...

I am really grieving that I thought our marraige was... but really wasn't. This past weekend I have cried so much.

I still have to sign the papers and go file, which I will do by the end of the week. I just cannot believe how addiction made my whole family so sick... how me and the kids got caught in a downward spiral we did not even realize we were in.

I am so sad. I feel like a loser. I just don't have the strength to deal with his addiction with everything else I have to deal with. I hope he stays sober and finds happiness. It is so sad... if he does, he will probably be the man I thought he was and know he can be... in about 5-7 years... but I would not be able to withstand his "growing pains." There would be nothing left of me and my kids would just have memories of a very stressful life... it is all ready stressful enough.

I cried because of the nasty things he has said to me over the past few months... I tried not to take them personally... I know he is lashing out because he is hurt but what about me and the kids? It hurts that everything I have done, every good thing and every mistake, has been turned and used to verbally hurt me in some way. I am crying because that hurts... and I tried my best... and it still was not good enough.

I have to gather up the courage to sign and file day after tomorrow. There is no right answer... only it's just better for me and the kids to not have him living with us. My white flag is up; this addiction thing is just too big for me. I have always been such a problem solver but in this I am learning that no amount of arranging outcomes will change that I am powerless over this addiction that my husband has been dealing with, which has blown our family apart.

Love just isn't enough to make that addiction go away... that's all up to him and I do not trust my AH with our lives... I just can't gamble that big when the stakes are so high.

I am so overwhelmed with sadness and loss. This has been one difficult time. My heart is so broken that it cannot be mended... it will have to turn into something new in order to go on.

[MegaMan]

Trust me girl, I know what your going through as I unknowingly made my ex-girlfriend go through a similar experience with me trying to quit marijuana. It seems as though I wasn't quite feeling her pain until after she broke up with me. Its been about 2 or 3 months since she broke up with me and I can't stop thinking, crying, or wondering if I had have done this or if I didn't do this, if we'd still be together, all that.

She doesn't call me anymore or pick up my calls. At this state I'm trying to forget about her but it's hard, especially when your so lost in life you think of the one person that made you feel right in place. I don't cry on purpose, try to feel sad or any of that emo stuff. It's like no matter what I do I can't get her off my mind but anyway this isn't about me.

Depending on long this guys been smoking and how frequently he did it before he quit, it might take him a while to sober up but if you do see that he's REALLY trying and that you can tell that he's been sober for as long as he's saying he's been then I say give him a shot and see how long his commitment lasts, who knows maybe he might go back to person you married at the alter that day but at this point I think it's too late for that though it won't be easy for him to quit after you leave as most likely he'll use the fact that he just lost his wife and kids to "medicate the pain" but if he's strong and he really does love you then he'll come back some day as the person you fell in love with, without the drugs.

[kidsandmemake3]

Thanks MegaMan. I am sorry to hear about your situation as well.

I went ahead and filed for the divorce yesterday. The whole way to the courthouse I was praying and thinking... "if I am about to make a big mistake, than I hope there will be some thought come to my head that will make me turn this car around..."

But then I thought about how sick I felt when I realized that he was smoking pot when I was working my overnight shifts and high while taking care of my children... and how I could have lost my children because of that. Then I thought about all the matters of the heart I have shared with him over the last few years and how those matters were turned and spoken against me... that has really hurt. Then I thought about how his nature is to keep score and how, even if we were to get back together, there would be huge trust issues between us. Then I thought about how my one child has a limited time left and how much I would regret it if there was constant turmoil in my home. Then I thought how sad I would be to live with someone who is unkind to me.

So I filed.

Now I feel like I have been hit by a truck.

[kidsandmemake3]

This is way harder than I ever anticipated. No regrets, but man, this is just so overwhelming at this time.

[Gertiegirl]

Oh my goshness. I am so sorry - I have nothing to offer, no support or experience, I just wanted to offer love and prayer for you. I cannot imagine what you are facing and the emotional upheaval you must be feeling... Im so sorry that you have come to a point of grief, grief for what should/could/would have been without addiction in your marriage.

You have my prayers for you and your little ones.

Luvvies and blessings.

[Kellye C]

What an awful and stressful situation. I kept thinking as I was reading it that you sound like you are done so IMHO definitely doing the right thing. Sounds like you need some support. Do you think Al-Anon would be of help or maybe some counseling for you and the kids to help adjust? Just a thought and maybe something you are doing already.

Prayers going up for healing for you and your babies,
Kellye

[kidsandmemake3]

Thank you GertieGirl and KellyeC. I really was sinking on Sunday but went and talked with a friend who helped me get a little more back on track. I have been trying to climb this ladder one rung at a time this week.

Today I finished packing all the stbx's things and put them on the porch and in a storage shed out back. It is a big weight lifted to have his things out of the house. I am proud of myself: I treated all his things with great care and respect even though he has been extremely hurtful with his words lately. He is really lashing out and saying some berating things about and to me.

I do not feel good about divorcing him, but I would feel much worse if I stayed with him and the kids would really suffer if I stayed with him. It is hard to divorce but his true colors are revealed in the way he is treating me during this time... and my true colors are revealed as well.

Initally I was hoping that I would not lose him as a friend even with a divorce but now I am beginning to think that I do not want a friend who berates me and puts me down so much.

I am proud of myself for not allowing myself to participate in drama with him. I have remained steady in my responses to him and have saved my tears for when I am in private or with a trusted friend. I am glad that I have not said anything to him that I would regret. I pity him because the only coping skill he has is to lash out. He has said many things that would prevent me from wanting him to be a friend to me in the future.

I am thankful that I do not need to lash out at him and feel like the old saying, "But by the grace of God, there go I..."

One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time... I am hanging on until this storm passes...

[GiveLove]

kidsandme,

I've been quietly following your story and just wanted to let you know that you're an inspiration to me.

If only my mom had been as brave as you, and had a future vision for us too. She stayed and stayed and stayed, and life has been a 40 year struggle as a result.

Courage and strength to you to keep climbing that ladder, one rung at a time.