my addict boyfriend broke up with me

[mars1789]

My boyfriend broke up with me last night. He was in rehab for 40 days to treat an alcohol and cocaine addiction, and came back about a month ago. He came back full of energy, decided to change his life for good, and he made a commitment to stop doing things that could jeopardize his recovery, like hanging with friends who also have a drug problem, going back to the rehab center every month, and to stop doing things about his job that would make him consume. His energy lasted for about 2 weeks, and he started to make excuses to not do what he had committed, so I told him I didn’t want that, and he promised me again he would do it, and the energy lasted another 2 weeks. Saturday night I saw him almost drinking alcohol, and told him he shouldn’t be doing that, and last night he said we should break up, that he didn’t want to hurt me anymore and that he was tired of having to justify himself to me, and everyone else, and that he wanted to be alone.

I write this here jus because I want to talk to someone who could understand, because I know that maybe this is the best for me.

I just want to know, if it’s normal for an addict to have those mood changes, to want something one day, and not the next. He seemed so interested until Saturday, so I’m a little confused.

[suki44883]

Welcome to SR, mars. I'm sorry you're going through this. It is a very difficult situation to be in. I don't have any advice, but you might receive more response if you post this in the Friends and Family forum. This one doesn't get as much traffic.

(((HUGS))) and take care of YOU.

[kay1234]

Welcome, so sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like he is still struggling with recovery and as many addicts who may have the best intentions that is not enough, they really need to work there program and want to stay sober.

One thing is YOU can't tell him anything, everything he does is going to have to be his choice. And it has nothing to do with YOU...He is going to have to work on staying sober for himself, otherwise it will not work.

Addicts can be very moody, self-centered people...but who can't. I would just make sure you work on yourself, and give him space. Take a step back and see which path he decides to take.

The people here are great, caring people. You found a great place, they have a lot of wonderful advice, and the best thing is they can relate.

[needtolearn]

First, I'm sorry for you.

Secondly, yes, it's very normal for the addict to have mood swings, and addicts are nothing, if not self-centered, and entitled.

It's not fair to those of us who love them, but it's who they are.

The thing is...even though they might be CLEAN, it takes time for them to be SOBER (fully in touch with how the addiction hurt them, and others).

Furthermore, it's going to take some time for the addicts brain chemistry to balance out. The substances have taken a toll on them physically, and mentally. If the brain chemistry is out of wack, the moods and decision making processes naturally are going to be out of wack.

Along with this, addicts carry around so much baggage. Part of that baggage is dealing with shame and guilt. I had to come to the realization, that as unfair as it was to me, my pressence could make my ex's shame and guilt worse. Yes, he hurt me, yes it's his fault, but he's human, and no human wants to go around feeling shame and guilt all the time. So, if a person is recovering from a very toxic place, it might take some time for them to have enough self love, and confidence to face people from the past, without the toxidity of shame and guilt.

My only other advise...don't take it personally, don't take the addiction personally.

Oh yeah, like the poster said, hang out in the "friends and family of" section. They've helped a lot, or it helps to read the post of people like you.

[Sweetiepie1]

Mars,

Is he just paying visits to the rehab centre or is he doing daily Naranon and AA meetings? If it's the former he sounds just like my ex who only managed a month tops before relapsing to the worst he's ever been.

In my experience they need to work a very strong programme to stay clean/sober especially in the early days. My thoughts are if they can't commit to themselves and their recovery how on earth can they commit to another human being.

I know it's tough to deal with as us codies always want to see the best and believe the promises that this time it will be ok, but sometimes we hurt ourselves as much as they do with our own behaviours. Some times it's good to be a cynic

[sk8rvirgo]

To the OP...I feel for you because I can see things from both sides of the issue. I am an addict and have had serious problems maintaining an relationship. I just lost a relationship that should have never been lost....it was perfect in every way but I was not.

Not in defense of your boyfriend...being in recovery is so hard and having anyone look at you in anyway other than you are doing ok, makes you feel that much worse. Plus, there is a lot of guilt that goes with being an addict in a relationship...You feel as if the person you are with should do better than you and that you are never going to be good enough.

From your end I also see the point of view...you were probably there through many very bad times and to have someone you support say they can't handle the relationship, that is tough. I am almost certain that nothing you did or said was done to put them down in any way...rather you were just making sure that they were ok. Being an addictin recovery is so hard when it comes to criticism. That I can attest to

I certainly hope that things get better for you and for your boyfriend. Life itself is not easy...add an addiction or any other disease to that and it only makes it that much harder. I applaude you for staying by his side through what was and is probably the hardest time in his life.

You deserve kudos big time for that!!

[TTOSBT]

Mars, I am very sorry that you are hurt and confused. Know that it is not you. I do have to say because I am an alcoholic addict (sober), it sounds to me like he broke up with you because he wants to use and he doesn't want to have to worry about you seeing it. That is my opinion only but I do think you are better off until he is done and can be there for you.

If he is sober and stays sober, then he will be a better boyfriend to you when he is more solid in his recovery.

[thisisnotmylife]

Maybe I am not the best one to respond because of my own situation but I have advice anyway. When I met my hubby he stopped drinking and I thought for 8 years he was clean and surprise he was an addict the whole time behind my back and has cost us our future. Be happy to move on now before marriage and children. Read these threads and see all the pain and suffering with living with an addict. They will only succeed if they put 100% into their recovery full time. We will never change them and they may never change themselves we can only focus on our own lives and how we can do what is right for us as individuals. I am sorry for your pain. I pray for you a happy future!

[grimace188]

Hello, i am dealing with a very similar situation. Let me start by telling you that i am an intelligent, pretty, and edjucated young woman with a wonderful career and i am in the process of purchasing my first home by myself. So, I am not a dummy. However, love is blind. With that being said, heres my story. Eight months ago, i randomly ran into an old friend from high school. We really hit it off and began seeing each other. I thought that we were both very honest with each other about our pasts, whether we did the wrong doing or not. I just think that honesty will always be the best decision. He was perfect, attractive, funny, nice family, very handy and mechanically inclinded, helped me out in the yard. Every girls dream. He said all the right things and definately did all the right things. WE were so in love. Then people randomly would say things to me like: isnt he on coke? I was so appauled that anyone would say these things cause he was honest and was getting his life in order and i trusted him.. or so i thought. Well, the more suspicious i became, the more i nagged and questioned. This great guy showed up less and less and this othe rside of him showed up more and more. And when i would ask if he was using he would lie. Anyway, he was mandated to go to rehab and i wont get into the story of why, but, the whole time he said he was only going because they were making him and that he didnt have a problem. I knew he did cause i found proof. when i brought it up he still denied right to my face. Well, 3 weeks later when i picked him up, i tried to have a talk with him and he simply said that "everyone has their thing, and this is my thing". CRAZY!! But i loved him and hoped he would get better. Anyway, 2 weeks ago, he randomly broke up with me after waking up at 4:30 pm after an all night coke binge...I'm still wondering what i did wrong...pretty sad. It IS THEM, not me or you..take care of yourself and start putting yourself first. I rearranged my life for him to make him happy and he did not care. I gave more than i was able to, but that didnt matter. And yes, maybe he just didnt like me anymore, but it still has something to do with the fact that he has a drug problem and it is really sad. I cry every night for him but it will not help anything. He needs to hit rock bottom. But until his family finds out and his friends stop enabling him, that isnt going to happen. I would love more than anything to have that guy back that i fell in love with and still am in love with but i dont know if he really ever existed. I dont know what is the truth anymore because of all the lies and manipulation. I know you are hurting but wrent you unhappy all the time anyway because of this problem? Good friends will always be honest with you whether it hurts or not. I am lucky to have them. They told me all the times when i was wrong in other relationships and you best believe they tell me evry day that i should be thankful that he let ME off the hook by breaking up with me. He would have dragged me down and i could have lost everything i have worked so hard for. YES, it is hard and my wounds are still fresh, but i still wake up every day, so it cant be that bad. Remember...take care of yourself first and hang in there.