Trying to see things from my RAH perspective

[mizserenity]

So I was set on divorce, and AH started an outpatient rehab 3 weeks ago. But I am still so frustrated with my life being in limbo, as he is still exhibiting some really unacceptable behaviors (sleeping all day on the weekends, for instance). He wants me to give him another chance.

So last night we had a "talk" and I tried to explain how difficult the last few years have been. Also said that he never ACTED like someone who wanted to be married and certain things are dealbreakers. Anyway, in one breath he is saying how he wants to do this (recovery) for himself and for our kids no matter WHAT happens with us. In the next breath he informed me that if I did go through with a divorce that he would make it really difficult for me.

Seriously. What.the.heck. is he thinking? My head is spinning with a "threat" like that. WHY would I want to stay married to someone like that? Of course there is a part of me that wants this nightmare to end and a fairytale "happily ever after" ending. I would love for him to get clean and sober and HAPPY and LIKE HIMSELF and stroll off into the sunset together. But how can I even consider staying with him when he says stupid sh.it like THAT?

[hbb]

hi there,

I don't have a heck of alot of advice other than i can relate and sorry for your pain. Although i was never married to my exrabf, his drinking effected me badly. After 3 months together i couldn't take it anymore and i told him that he needed to seek help or i wasn't the girl for him. He tried to convince me that he could do it on his own and be a "social drinker". I said no. He went to AA weekly but not really working a program, going through the motions. Drinking O'douls, hanging out in bars and the same drinking buddies.

This went on for the next 6 months, he was like you say, sleeping ALL the time. Blowing off everyone/everything he committed to. He was depressed, miserable, financial ruin and never sought therapy. Ultimately he left me which i still struggle with due to all my love and support.

I'm not sure how long your husband has been clean but it's horrible when you thought that all you want them to be is to be clean or sober. Mine was so much worse. Like you, i wanted the fairytale and to ride off into the sunset. When he told me he would quit i can remember jumping for joy, thought it was the only thing wrong...it wasn't unfortunately.

I'm so sorry your going through this and for him to threat that he will make your life hell is awful. PM me anytime if you want to talk. Take care of you and your first and foremost.

hugs to you

[Gman813]

First, was his drinking the only reason you wanted a divorce? If not then you have your answer. If that was the single (or greatest) reason, then you may want to put those plans on hold. I can tell you without question, early recovery is harder than living with the drinking, but things do get better.

My AW has been sober for nearly 5 months now. Drinking was the only reason I was considering leaving, and we are slowly getting back together. But, especially the first 2-3 months it was very hard. I'm beginning to understand why they tell them in AA "don't make any life changing decisions for the first year." You both are changing and it may be a good idea just to sit back and re-examine things for a while. My theory is that I stuck around for many years of the problem, I can at least hang in there for another year to see if it improves.

Have you looked into Al-Anon for yourself? It’s very easy to point at our A’s and say they have a problem, it’s much harder to look into a mirror and say the same thing. Many of the “tools” we have used as a means of self-preservation during the active years, are more detrimental in recovery.

Should you choose to stay, prepare yourself for a rough ride in the short term at least. Nobody ever said the road to happiness was well paved. But often you find the best places after a few potholes.



______________________


May your strength give us strength
May your faith give us faith
May your hope give us hope
May your love give us love


Into The Fire
By Bruce Springsteen

[mizserenity]

I have been going to al-anon for over a year and a half. And to answer your question, Gman, he hid a porn addiction from me from day1 of us moving in together 15+ years ago. He has anger management issues, and would yell at me to go to sleep. It took me years to figure out that it wasn't ME that was the problem. I have seen him go from addiction to addiction and now he is in outpatient rehab for pot smoking. I had to take away access to our savings account and make it difficult to get to our checking acct. This was all after we had been together for 9+ years and had our first child, who is about to turn 6 now. We also have a 3 year old.

And he isn't entirely clean; he has told me that he has smoked pot since he started rehab but "nowhere near as much." He also admitted to me that there was a month where he did absolutely nothing at work, which explains why he is so stressed all the time about work and having to work weekends.

I have been doing my one day at a time thing for a long time. I am just starting my journey to really "work the steps" with my sponsor. But I am TIRED of living in limbo with this person. I am hesitant to commit to a future with him when he really hasn't shown me he is going to change. I've had my retainer in with the lawyer since the first week of Jan and I have paperwork to complete, that I have been really procrastinating on.

hbb, I do post often in F&F of Substance Abusers, and I pop into the F&F of Alcoholics. I posted here because I am looking for another perspective; maybe someone in recovery themselves would help?

I am just tired. He says I owe it to our kids to try again with him. The only thing I owe to my kids is a safe, happy, stable home environment and I haven't given them that. I WANT to give them that even if it means moving into something smaller, without a yard and if they share a room. He says it's killing him to think of us in a townhouse. I said that is STILL not a good enough reason for us to stay married!!! This is all STUFF. What about the damage we are doing to them by seeing us in a dysfunctional marriage?

Sorry to be so disjointed. I am really frustrated and tired today.

[Gman813]

No need to apologize at all, As I said, IF drinking was the only issue. Otherwise, you need to do what is best for you and your kids...point blank. Sounds like you have a very full plate of issues, trust that everything will work for the best. You have thought on this for quite a while, you and only you know what is best you and your children.

Best of luck as you move forward!!!


sorry

[anvilhead]

so he's IN outpatient rehab for pot smoking........but still smoking pot. hmmm. that sounds like somebody who really doesn't WANT to quit, nor is putting 100% effort into quitting.......that sounds like somebody who wants what they want and expects everyone else to do all the footwork into assuring their lives don't have to change. he expects you to give him ONE more chance, that YOU owe it to the kids, blah blah, but yet he is still doing what he's doing and putting forth zilch in the effort department to craft any type of meaningful change....you've had to ride roughshod over him and his various addictions for years, mind the farm, control the finances, basically give him the same latitude as you would your 6 year old.........

he's yet to MAN UP. and you're tired of raising adults. they suggest we look at our addicts like we are watching TV with the sound off.....what do you SEE? what does the ACTION on the screen tell you?

[mizserenity]

anvilhead, there aren't enough "thanks" buttons in the world to express how grateful I am for what you wrote to me. The guilt part really sucks, but I can't fall into it.

[anvilhead]

oh honey, no need to thank me!!!!

here is a link to a great site that deals with lots of "issues", including GUILT!
Guilt

remember you are NOT responsible for any other adult's circumstances, happiness or lack thereof. it is not your job to fix HIS life. you can't quit drugs FOR him. if and when HE is truly ready to quit, he will..........regardless of how close to him you are standing at the time.

hugs kiddo